Gotta Stay Gellin?

Started off the morning on the right foot and on time.  By the time the clock hit 4:30 AM, i was already in my running gear and take on the day!  Today I scheduled a 10 mile run which was to be performed at a 4:30/mile clip.  I decided to switch back to miles from kilometers because when i was updating my running spreadsheet, it got very confusing.  I ended up googling some guy in England (first name to pop up in google phonebooks) and gave him a call.  I don't think he understood the metric system any better than I did because he kept asking who i was and what the hell i was talking about.  I provided an explanation about how i needed help converting my day's kilometers to miles, and he suggested that i convert my face into my arse or something.  I then proceeded to write down "arse", which is how it spells out phonetically, and plan on looking it up later.  "Arse" must mean "wind breaker" because it sure was windy this morning.

Over the previous night, I had a dream about being in a race and getting really, really tired and soon it became a nightmare because it seemed every SLOW person I met was passing me by in this race and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.  That is until I took a "gel pack" and then ended up winning the race, which in turn lead to me winning the girl, the car and the giant mansion.  For those who do not know what a gel pack is, think of the effect of "crack" on homeless people or "Chicago Home Address" for Rahm Emmanuel.  When you take it, this great wave of power and energy hits your body and allows you to run bigger, faster and stronger.  Normally it comes in a little packet which you can bite open and swallow down.  But sometimes, my ole coach in college said he had to inject it into me to help with the race.  These injections seemed to occur after drug tests... Maybe the extra sugar and carbs in the gel packs would skew those results.. so i never questioned it.  Although he did hand me a lot of "gel packs" at an airport once and said they were for my races back "home."

Well anyways, before I digress too much longer, I have decided to go on a "gel pack" diet.  Instead of food, water or vitamins, i am going to take a gel pack every hour of the day.  If one gel pack is able to make me run faster in a race, think of how much faster I'll be when i eat them all day, every day.  I bet you that idiot Ryan Hall will never think of this!  That is why his slow as took second on Sunday at the USATF Half Marathon Championships with an ok 1:02.  Not sub-1, but hey, he is getting pretty old....

So I took three gel packs and then stepped out my door and began the run...

The Run
The first two miles felt great!  I never had so much energy in my life... Although I was only at a 5:20 clip, I knew that this was just warming up and that I all i needed to do was average the paltry 4:30 per mile clip.  I noticed that there was a little snow left over from last night which caused my footing to be a little off, and the wind must have hit my lungs the wrong way because I was starting to feel the effects of that recurring upper respiratory problem which throws my breathing out of whack...Anyways, I hit mile 3 and soon felt very tired.  My turnover was slowing down and I looked at my watch and saw my average clip fell to 5:40, which age grades at a sub-slow percentile of 70ish.  The wind sure felt hard..  The next two miles hit me harder and I kind of felt more tired and sleepy.  My breathing was way out of whack and I just seemed to lack the overall energy i typically have for "easy 4:30s" as i call them.  I stood strong and just kept running.  I finally hit the final mile and finished the run in 59:44.  Wow!  this had to be one of my worst runs to date... How could this be?  How could i be this slow?  Then the answer hit me as clear in the head as anything possible:  I didn't eat enough gels.  I guess for tonight's run I will eat ten gels beforehand and we'll see how that works out.

Post-Run
I did some deep thigh stretches in the mirror to work on my toning and flexing.  Then i realized that I must hae been doing the mirror stretches for too long, because it was time to go to work and I haven't showered yet.  I decided that i would skip the shower and just cover up any odor with deodorant and that no one would notice.  The car ride there sucked because i like to keep the heat on and I started to perspire like a elderly person on the price is right bidding on a washer.

I finally arrived at work and walked straight to my desk.  I kind of noticed a hint of musk, but was 2 feet away from my co-worker Topher and figured he would not be able to detect that which i was emitting.  Things were going smooth until he started making loud snorting noises through his nostrils and asked if i had smelled a dead cat in the room.  I told him that i did not, but was glad he hadn't smelled me yet.  Five minutes later, he came back with an aerosol can from the bathroom and started spraying around my desk with copious amounts of Fresh, Fresh Garden scent.  I immediately slapped the can out of his hand and told him that i didn't know where the dead cat was and he needs to stop.  He then said something very disturbing... He said that he knew there was no dead cat in here at all, rather, he knew i was the smelly one and was referring to my man musk as an expired feline.  what, what?  I was about to lay the smack down, when he pushed me away and i fell to the ground.  It was at that moment that i noticed a dead mouse near his desk... whew!  i immediately moved the mouse to his nose and said "Hey, is this the smell?"  it must have been, because he quickly ran to the bathroom.  problem solved from my end.

My boss then invited me back into his office and asked me what the commotion was about.  He then told me that i need to go home and shower because i smell like Sour Donkey Urine and it is seriously making him ill.  I told him that my manmusk was the result of my champion training and that he needs to take back those words.  he said that he may take away my job and that i should never skip showers after runs.  I said "never say never" to which he sent me home for the rest of the day.  I guess he finally understood and all it took was quoting the biebs.  He let me have the day off for being so awesome and I'm sure enjoyed my man musk... I guess I would suggest to any new runners reading this blog to enjoy that smell you "earn" after a run.  And although you may never be considered fast and probably only able to run a sub-15 five kilometer race at best, at least you'll have your musk.  I know i always will!