The BIG Announcement

I know that a lot has happened since the last time I wrote you, but i guarantee you that nothing will be as big or as significant as this ANNOUNCEMENT that i am about to hit you with.  So stay tuned for the end of this post for my BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.  It is so huge and I feel that it will definitely change your life for good.  Like the kind of change you seek when you want to seek medical help to surgically repair your private parts because you feel that God made you a woman in a man's body.  Anyways, why don't i catch you up on what has happened.  Because this will be a cooler journey than a Jonas Brothers song.. Actually probably not because the jonas brothers rock my world!

First of all, the Super Fast Elite Chicago Racing Team of Chicago (SFECRTC) is up and running.  We have had many inquiry since officially announcing our existence and try outs last week.   However, this is not the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT but i would like to say that I am a bit disappointed with the level of quality in our applications.  We had some guy named Peter apply who did not meet any of our criteria as he definitely was NOT physically or mentally superior to any other runners let alone himself.  However, he jogged a 2:50-something marathon in Grand Rapids or something and I felt that it entitled him to become Captain of our water support team for the runners.  See, SLOW people can make a difference when it comes to thirst and satisfying the nutrition needs of actual real runners.   There was some dude named Brendona who applied too.  His times were no where close to those of people who are good enough to cool down with me.  I wish he didn't include instagrams of his gps watch verifying that he is SLOW.  I also wish he didn't send me naked pictures of himself... This is not that type of running club...  He should use jdate or something for that type of action.  Anyways, i may not have any members yet but this club will grow.  Who doesn't want to be ELITE and get free stuff? 

I found a new coach!  However, this is NOT the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT so stay tuned for more on that.  its true... I found this guy on Craigslist in the casual encounters section.  .   How did he know that my quads are my favorite muscle?  I had to engage him as i figured he wanted to be my coach.  I mean, why else would anyone make a comment like that?  So i gave him a call and figured i would check him out.

                                        Picture of Juan Sisterino, a potential new coach
                               http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/4298682883.html

His name is Juan Sisterino and he lives in Logan Square.  Luckily for him, that is a neighborhood of Chicago located only 24 miles from my studio apartment... So i arranged for him to meet me at some park in 2 hours because that would be ample time for me to run there.  So i laced up my Saucony brand running shoes.  They were red and fierce and had an 8mm drop.  The backs of them made a statement like "I win" and "You lose".  They were lightweight but provided ample support... Anyways, i started off at a 5:20 mile which i believe is a z2/87.5AG x2.3 type of run.  I was able to maintain this pace for at least 10 nautical miles.   After that i made a left turn onto this random street that said "Forest" and picked it up from there.. I mean, it looked familiar and that is the name of a movie so i knew it wouldn't be a bad idea... Well, my watch was manually ticking off miles every 5:30 meaning that my pace slowed considerably.. My watch read 2:04 which meant that i had gone at least 22 miles and was no where near where i wanted to be... I saw a train station ahead of me and there were some blue coloring around it so i figured i was getting close..  As i approached the train station, i noticed that the blue coloring was a tagged gang symbol and not representative of the type of Illinois Metra train system at all.  Around the spray paint was a group of young men in leather jackets with neat blue hankerchief hats and blue shirts.  They were diverse in that there were members of the African American, Latin American, Asian American, and Caucasion American communities there.  There were about 8 of them, so i figured i would ask them if I was in Logan Square.  As I approached, one of them threw a spray can at me and it hit me in the head.  Crap!  That really hurt... but that guy was only kidding.  Haha!  I love jokes, so i walked closer and noticed that they were starting to circle me.>  One guy ran in and gave me a pat on my stomach.  Only i don't think he knew the power of his strength because it hurt even more than the spray can and nearly took the air out of me.  I fell the ground.. I noticed something red dripping onto the ground.  Oh, my God!  Is that ketchup?  Crap... that is my nutrition pack i was suppposed to take after mile 24!  I can't eat that now and this jerk ruined it... I tried to stand up when another extended his leg into my stomach?  Ouch!  and why are these guys focused on my sexy abs?? it was at that moment when i noticed that my ketchup packet was fully intact in the middle of the underwear of my shorts.  Oh no.. that means... "BLOODS!  BLOODS!  I SEE BLOODS!"  i screamed aloud as it was protruding from my head.. All of a sudden the young men starting running off in the distance and said they were going to get back up... back up?  But they were never down, how could they get back up?  From what?  Stupid teenagers.... So seeing as my ketchup packet was intact, i continued running  until I was far enough away.

Good thing was i found Fullerton a few miles down.  Unfortunately, i was not able to stop my watch during that whole ordeal and now it will seem like i was actaully running during the entire time.  That sucks even more than the stomach ache.  People are going to think i am SLOW!  I am not a SLOW guy.. If I were i would go join the parade with that Brendon dude who seems to think that his mediocrity should be worshiped or something... Crap!  I figured it out.  I lost 2 minutes... Ugh!  Well, i finally made a right onto Pulaski and then onto ARmitage and made it to Mozart park to meet Juan Sisterino.... Boy was he mad!  It took me 2 hours and 10 minutes to run that 24-miles... Well, it actually took me 2 hours and 12 minutes when you include the time i spent hanging out with those blue guys.  Crap!  He was soo mad... but then he approached me.  I asked him if he was Juan and he said yes... He kept staring at me and really studying my running physique.  Then he kept looking at my shorts area.  He asked me if i got done running... Um, yes!  What a moron?  What else would i have been doing?  He then asked if i was ok and pointed at this red stain near my crotch area.  Oh no!  My ketchup packet... What will i eat now to replenish all of those carbs i burned?  I said that i was ok and that it was only ketchup... At that point he got closer to me and was really insistent on cleaning me up.  He even said it would be ok for me to remove my shorts so he could clean them for me.  i told him that i am ok and would really rather focus on the workout he had planned... He said that the only workout he could think of was indoors at his apartment.  Um, what would he mean?  We are at a park... I could do wind sprints, we could do fartleks, we could do repeat 1000s... Why would we need his bedroom?  I appreciate his progressive approach to running but i was starting to think that this guy is not the type of coach that i need.  It was at that moment when i felt his hand on my ketchup packet... So i ran!  This is not going to be my coach!  He tried to chase me but unfortunately he is one of the millions of Americans who suffer from SLOW disease and he would not catch up.  First he wanted to limit my running productivity by taking me to his room.  AND Then he was SOOO greedy that he wanted to steal my race nutrition.  Screw that guy!  Last time i turn to a free internet forum for a free coach. 

I jogged a 6:10/mile clip the rest of the way... Didn't really plan on a cool down like that as i was hoping my new coach would have access to transportation and could have driven me home as well as been able to drive me to and from different marketing events around Chicago at all hours.  When i got home, i saw a weird dude in his car wearing a singlet and with very hairy shoulders and back.  It was Brendon.  He asked if i got his application.  "NOT NOW BRENDON" .  Jeez!  What was this guy's problem?  I saw his times.. he ran like a 16:02 at some halloween race last year.  I didn't have to look at anything else on his Athlinks.. He is not SFECRTC material..  I told him to go away and go run or something.  He could use the training... i told him if he runs a 14:59 in a 5k in the next two months, i will reconsider.  He said thanks and drove off.  Quite peculiar as he seemed too happy.  Oh well, at least he left me alone.


Ok, ok, i will get to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.  Thank you for waiting for this as this is huge!  HERE IS MY BIG ANNOUNCEMENT:  From now on, i will switch my recovery run day from every third Tuesday of the month to every Second Wednesday.  Boom!

The Super Fast Elite Chicago Running Team!

Have you guys ever had a bad day?  I mean, like a really bad day?  I know i am usually very positive when i write to you, but today was just one of those days when nothing seems to go right.  Until at the very moment when you want to give up, an idea or an inception hits you, that makes it even better.  This was that day for me.  I had a team/sponsor tell me they weren't interested, and then an idea to start my own team and get my own sponsors came to my mind.  I feel like all those prayers Ryan Hall said for me are coming true.  I'm still going to kick his ass in the Olympics, but I'll give him some props here. Still, my day was worse than the Chicago Cubs new mascot, Clark:

The day started off like usual... Did a 22-mile recovery run.  I tried to keep it at a Z3/Z5/90%AG but for some reason my pace declined after each mile passed.  I noticed a lack of energy and for some reason the wind must have been really strong and entering my lungs because i found my self breathing harder and out of breath.  I was only able to get the 22 miles run in 2:20:05 which is probably the crappiest run that anyone could ever go on.  I should probably kill myself, but i think i won't.  I know i will have greater days to look forward to.

After my run and after I ate two halfies, which are partially filled gel packs i found on the ground after the Chicago Marathon, I started to feel better.  I actually have a freezer filled with 1,000 halfies.  They make for great meals, especially after recovery runs.  Some taste like dirt but what are you going to do?  God gave us this green Earth and it is up to us to use it.

I then went to the local running store, Cock Ponds, which is right down the street and asked about their local running club.  They referred me to a guy named Dayne Caifers who engaged in a brief discussion with me.  He told me about how the team was about being friends and achieving goals together and everyone being selfless and for each other and other crap like that.  I told him that I could give a flying flip about that as there was probably no one as fast as me in the club to train with and that the 2 friends i currently have are good enough.  I then asked him if the club sponsored elite runners like myself and was able to provide the following:
1) Free race entries
2) Training Run Support from SLOWer runners
     a. Water stations set up whenever and wherever i run
     b.  Multiple stop watch managers at every track workout
     c.   Towel people to dry me off mid-run
     d.   Massage artists to make sure i have no cramps
     e.   Hookers who will have sex with me for free
 3) Free running shoes, at least 19 pairs per year
 4) Free running gear for life.
5)  Access to a limo, private jet, and speedboat to take me to and from races, training runs, and other endeavors which i may engage into.
6) Access to a 40,000 SF mansion for me to reside in and keep refreshed between performances.

I couldn't even get through all of my little requests before he interrupted me.  He told me about another running group and said they would be more interested.  He then told me to go away.  How dare he?  Does he know who i am?  I don't need this... so i told him to get out of my face and to go away and I left the store.


Processing my thoughts, i decided that I would form my own super team of people who are slower than me but could provide me with company during my recovery runs as well as provide me with the services listed above.  Now, i can't have people who are TOO SLOW as those people suck and will probably just hold me back so i need to establish time standards... Maybe people who can at least run under 5:00/mile for a 5k.  Lets be honest, this will probably open the club up to 1,000,000,000 people plus the entire country of China.  Seriously, if you can't run a 15:29 in the 5k then there is something wrong with you.  You probably should quit running, change your name to Ian Suckington and move to a fucking bed and breakfast in the state of Ohio where you will spend the rest of your sad and pathetic life catering to 60 year old douche bags and divorcees.

Once i obtain those members, i figure i will charge them a $1,000 membership fee.  I keep 100% of the proceeds from the first 100 people who join.  But, here is the thing, once they get 10 additional members to join beyond the first 100, those members can keep 10% of the membership fee from the new members they brought in.  Then if those new new members bring in 10 additional people beyond the 100 who came in before them, then they can keep 10% of the membership fee from anyone beyond that.  Its like i am a genius for figuring out this complex financial infrastructure.  And i am a generous guy for allowing other members of this running club to get rich.

Well, i am about to go for an 8-mile fartlek/tempo/z591.5%AG run.  But if you are interested in more details about the club, here they are:
                                                                                                                                                                    

The Super Fast Elite Running Team of Chicago (TSFERTC)

Calling all sub-sub-elites in the greater Chicagoland area.  We are seeking to form a Racing Team to compete against other racing teams in the area.  We hope to have a sponsor soon who will provide an unlimited supply of shoes and training gear as well as cash stipends for travel, meals & entertainment costs.  We are working with area race directors about free race entries, individual porta-potties, and personal nutrition station set up on race courses.  If you feel you are interested in being a part of this team, please send an e-mail to: SuperFastEliteChicagoRunningTeam@yahoo.com

Lets face it, the running world benefits by the presence of sub-sub-elite runners.  We have earned our confidence and the right to bestow it upon any other runners we come across.   We deserve to gain free entry into all races we choose to participate in because our quickness inspires slower, inexperienced runners who don’t work as hard as us which is evidenced by their slower times.

Time Qualifications / Performance Qualifications:

1.       5K: 15:29; 8K: 25:09; 10K: 33:18; Half: 1:11:37; Marathon: 2:32:00

2.       Finished first in at least 4 local races for at least 3 consecutive years.

3.       Finished top 20 in the largest world-class super regional local races such as Shamrock Shuffle, Soldier Field 10 mile, or Chicago Half Marathon.

4.       Commitment to meet and train at any time.

Training Qualifications:

1.       Must be physically and mentally superior to other runners.

2.       Must be able to put in at least 80 miles to 140 miles per week while maintaining your full time job.

3.       Must have the courage to turn down slower runners as training partners.  Even our recovery paces have to be done at a certain speed.  We don’t need dead weight.

4.       Must be willing to race in at least 25 races for 2014.  As a team, we must remain committed to have the same training and racing schedule.

5.       Be willing to market and advertise our membership.  The only way we can continue to attract faster, better runners and gain their friendship is to pay them and provide them with free shoes and gear.

6.       Willing to do whatever it takes to fulfill every need of the team President as he trains and prepares for the 2016 Olympic games in the events of:  Marathon, 1500m dash.

Marketing/Data Sharing Characteristics:

1.       All members are required to review the Letsrun.com message boards for a minimum of 3 hours per day, and be able to contribute post volumes of at least 5 replies per day.

2.       All team members are required to post their mileage on Athleticore for everybody else to admire.  It is proper etiquette to always round up your training mileage and round down training times.

3.       All team members must post details of every completed run on multiple social media sites – Facebook and Twitter are required. Extra consideration will be given for those teammates posting pictures of racing flats/running watches with splits on Instagram.

Other Characteristics/Qualifications:

·         Must be a former college runner.   You have years of wisdom and experience on your legs.  You know what it takes to be at least the 12^th best on your team.  You have faced the pressures that come along with volunteering as a member of a local community college or division III team that does not cut members.  After 5-years at your local, non-descript liberal arts school and through hard work and effort, you were able to shave 2 precious seconds off of your best high school mile time. We do not want any non-collegiate runner because they are not as committed or as dedicated to the sport of running.

·         Willingness and courage to provide a realistic opinion about the state of American distance running anonymously on various online forums.  Also, since you ran in college, you have the right to use the collective “we” when comparing yourself to professional, elite runners.  After all, the only difference between you and them is the pay check.  Lets face it, if you haven’t broken 75 in the half marathon, you probably have no idea how to run and do not know the state of running itself nor have the ability to determine what is good for distance running.  Who else will anonymously post that any runner who can’t break 3:40 in the 1500 should either retire from the sport or kill themselves?  Who else has the bravery to anonymously tell Ryan Hall how to train and that a 2:06 marathon is not very impressive nor is a wind-aided 2:04? Who else can cite the fact that as long as there are at least 3 Ethiopian or Kenyan runners who are faster, then the state of American Distance running  sucks?  Who can explain that everyone who is trying to compete sucks and always will for as long as there are at least 3 individuals in the world who are faster?  Why can we express these opinions freely and anonymously?  Because the only difference between us and these sucky professionals  is that we don’t have the time to train like them.  Just because we have never run those times ever and have no idea about other circumstances surrounding their individual training situations, doesn’t mean that we can’t offer our opinions.  Positivity is for the slower runners.  Professional runners need our input as it will inspire them to run faster.

·         Willingness to use your ego and confidence to inspire slower runners.  In college, the best runners treated us like dirt because they earned that right.  In the current state of road racing, we have earned that right to treat slower, neophyte hobbyjoggers like garbage due to the time and effort we put in.  Lets face it, if you are not running as fast as we are, then it definitely means that you are not working as hard.  We owe it to the sport to always let slower runners know their place and that if they don’t achieve certain times, then they will always remain a hobby jogger who is not good at running and should probably quit.  Whenever we have a bad race, we should let slower runners know about it and reinforce the idea that time does matter.  They, in turn, will be inspired by this message, because lets face it, the fact that we ran in college and because of the sub-sub-elite times we run means that they worship the ground we walk on.  Its called paying it forward and that is what this team will be all about.

·         Demonstrate a willingness to pace SLOW runners.  Sometimes, we have to set our egos aside and show these inexperienced hobbyjoggers how to properly run a race.  Do not fret about what others think about seeing you with these SLOWer runners.  You will be provided ample opportunity to defend your running integrity at any time because whenever you come across any random bystander you can inform them that this is a slow pace for you and that you normally run much faster than this.  Another great technique is to make dramatic and unnatural movements and engage your slower pace with a full discussion about various political topics during their race.  After pacing the slower runner for a few miles, it is often customary to drop out of the race, thank them for being your cooldown partner, and letting them know that you have to leave early because you have a second run to do hours later.

·         Demonstrate a willingness to commit to the workout and its thresholds.  For example, this might be happen if you ever train with slower runners who don’t understand the significant impact it will have on training if you extend any rest period by even a fraction of a second during interval training.  These slower runners will thank you for shortening their rest as it will make the workout tougher and in turn allow them to become faster runners.

RUSH to World Champion!

Today I watched the preview for the movie "Rush" from a computer at my local public library and it changed my life.  Being as fast as a runner as I am, I really could relate the story of two men who risked it all for the chance to take greatness.  I realized that there is a lie that I often tell myself every time i lace up my shoes "Death is only something that happens to other people".

Even as the librarian kept mentioning that my time was up, i couldn't help but shush her back.  After all, I am the next world champion and on the verge to become world champion again!  Nothing will prevent me from hitting this goal, not even a 60-minute time limit at a workstation at the library.  Some fat and SLOW guy in a Weezer t-shirt kept staring at me and expecting the librarian to immediately kick me off.  How pathetic.  That must be why SLOW people stay SLOW.  They expect others to run fast for them.  Not me... and you know what, i got my 63 minutes of watching the "RUSH" movie preview so screw them.  I am going to run.. its time to run.

When i went home, i opened up my closet which is a shrine dedicated to my hatred of all things Ryan Hall.  He is like the Nicki Lauda to my James Hunt.  I will be champion and I will beat him.  When i was fat in the hospitable, all i could do was think about all of the races he won without me being in them.  I will not let that happen again!  No, not this time!

Today was just a 10 mile run in the AM followed by a 10 mile run in the PM.  A double double digit, yo.  That is how i roll.  I hit the first mile in a 5:30 which was fine as it was good to get the rust out from yesterday's shitbag of a run.  Maintained pace in probably a Z3/Z4 pace around the 90 percentile age grade.  As you are aware, i know the science of running.  I am like a doctor.  I don't gauge my runs through a garmin GPS watch.. Those things are for SLOW pussies.  No, i just need a watch with lap splits.  I know when we reach a mile... i know that distance.  I've run so many that i can barely keep count.  Well, i can.. 10,001,023 miles to be exact.  Well i just hit mile 2, so you'd better make that 10,001,024 miles to be exact.  I run because I am great and I am great because I will be the champion... The world has not even begun to see my fastness.  Pow!  Zoom!  Its hard to create for the reader the scene or a demonstration of my running but those are noises that are generated from the quickness of my feet touching the ground.  STRIKE!  KUMPOW!  I just took two more steps... then two more.. then one hundred more.. mile 3 and i hit it in 4:50 and i am feeling strong...   Sometimes you just have to go and ignore the pain.  You just have to run... like you are born to run.  Born to run but not like a minimalist pussy who runs in Vibram footshoes because, guess what?  Those are still fucking shoes?  The only minimalism being applied when you buy those is a demonstration of your minimal manhood as well as your paying of a stupid person tax to minimalize your wallet... But i digress.  KAPOW!  My left quad stretches out to the heavens allowing my toes to strike BAM!  I just hit miles 4, 5, and 6 at 4:55, 5:01, and 4:59 respectively.  This isn't a fast run by any means, but it is still getting the job done.  BABOOM!  KAZAM!  BALOOONS!  Just nailed miles 7, 8 & 9 in 5:02, 5:02, and 5:03... and I am feeling strong.  The only signs of tiredness are the barely visible red lines in my eyeballs, the heavy breathing from my lungs and the fact that i just landed headfirst into a squirrel nest which conveniently laid before me in a bush ahead... I get up.   I must get up and finish what i started... SHAKOCKA!  Just nailed mile 10 in 4:50.  That's right!  Negative split bitches!  Eat crow, Ryan Hall... You did not win this battle today.  Tweet that and an oatmeal pancake.

As i sipped on my recovery shake which consists of two burger king ketchup packets, some sweet & low sugar, and a taco bell fire sauce packet all mixed in with some rain water i collected in an old boot outside of my studio apartment.  I couldn't help but just bask in this greatness.  My greatness.  So what if i could barely break 50:00 for a 10-miler today which any SLOW person could do... It didn't matter because in 4 years or however long the 2016 Olympics are.  I will be standing at the podium wearing a giant GOLD medal.  Everyone will be staring at me knowing that i am the best in the world.  All of my haters, all of my doubters, and ESPECIALLY that pussy Ryan Hall will just have to stand there and watch... and that is when i will finally achieve my life's goal.  After I post my 1:44 marathon, no one will be able to stop me.  I will become President of the United Estados of America... I will then become President of GE and i'll drive a Buick.  I will be the richest and most celebrated man in America.  Yes, friends.  This will happen so you'd better make sure you support me now.... and make sure you buy Saucony brand running clothes and shoes (Please sponsor me, need money and running gear).

Well, i am going to take a nap... Then its on for 10 miler #2.  And you'd better believe it will be even faster and even harder.  SHAKOCKA!

New Watch / The Mile

Have you ever woke up one day with bundles of energy and more inspired to do greatness than you could ever imagine.  I had dreamed all night about running my marathon PR of 1:44 in front of the billions of running fans across the world.  Crossing that finish line and putting that gold around my neck.  It would be as awesome as getting a blumpkin from Oprah while at the same time your favorite episode of "That's So Raven" comes on TV.

Well i used that energy to continue this Olympic dream.  You know the routine.  Four gel packs as soon as wake up followed by a quick 5-mile 1x1x0.50x3800xAx30x40 work-out.  Took it out at a Z2 and then finished at a Z6 but didn't waste my nut on a Z7.  its like keeping a steady age grade at 91% but not above 97%.  You gotta save yourself for the races, you know.  Still, I am not a SLOW guy so you can't go EASY.  I feel that is what's wrong with SLOW runners... they are always running easy.  They are always running in groups and laughing with each other and looking like they are having fun.  Running is not fun.  Running is not for friendships and groups.  Running means a lot of pain and sacrifices and finally showing Ryan Hall that he is a SLOW pussy and that he should have given me that autograph when i saw him at Chuck E. Cheeze rather than walk away from me.  I keep that memory with me for every long run, every tempo run... I will show him!  I must show him! 

Anyways, I decided to buy a new watch because when i woke up - mine wasn't working.  It started when the screen looked a bit faded.  I typically use one of those cheap GPS watches that you find at a Walgreen's for $9.99.  You know, the kind that measure your mileage and pace but don't specifically display that information forcing you to press the lap button when you feel you come across a mile.  So i really invested into this nice Speedo Watch which should do the trick.  It is made for lap swimmers... While they are SLOW, they still are an underappreciated group who really loves measuring distances and times and stuff.  See the picture below and make sure to put a napkin on your keyboard as you will drool all over it like a teenager attending the boner fest they call 90210.. wait, is that show still on tv anymore?  I was always a Brenda Fan.

For my afternoon run, i decided to test my new watch on the track.  I like to use the local track at my high school down the street.  It has 8 lanes and is the color red for veangeance.  Today is my favourite workout, Repeat Miles.  I went to the track at 3:00 PM so those mean school kids weren't there to say disparaging remarks about how good looking I am and how sexy my legs are when i train in my marathong.  Normally i would wear the 3 inch Saucony shorts, but it was feeling a little warmer this day, and i really wanted my legs to be free so i could run faster.

I stepped to the line and went.  BOOM!  I took off like a rocket... I didn't look at the watch but i could tell i was going really fast.  Now, you know i have run sub-3:00 miles before so i was pretty pumped.   Finished the first lap and felt great so i threw on a big Serj.  Getting faster and rounding the corner.. When all of a sudden, i felt the air coming out of my lungs before completing lap 2.  That is crazy, my lungs don't fail 2/3 into a mile.  It obviously can't be me, because i am in phenomenal shape..  Oh, those dickhead throwers didn't cover up the fences surrounding the track.  I watch the weather channel and it is true that wind carries much faster on Tuesday Afternoons when you are running on a track in a valley.  THat is why high schools don't have meets on Tuesdays.  You  have to optimize performance.

Finally, i hit my third and final lap of the mile and stopped the watch.  A fricking 3:10.  There must be something wrong with this track.  It took me 3 minutes and 10 seconds just to run a FRICKING Mile.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Am I old?

And then it hit me.  The stupid wind.  I decided to run a 10 mile cool down and think about my failure to break 3:00 for the mile.  Right when it seemed everything was going my way... This sucks.   I feel like an Australian in the Olympics... I guess tomorrow I will have to be better.  I must be better.  Otherwise, if i am not better... Ryan Hall wins.  And worse than that, he will beat me because i am too effing SLOW! And then he'll probably tell me that I did a good job and that he'll pray for me or something stupid like that.  UGH...... Maybe its the fucking watch.

The Beast is Back - 2016 Olympic Gold Dream

What is up, my SLOW bitches?

So i decided to kick that pussy Matt off this blog because no one wants to hear about some SLOW ass douchebag running in circles around ice rinks at SLOW-ASS 6 minute paces.  I mean, if i really wanted to read about that, i would walk into an abortion clinic and have them cut off my scrotum and feed it to me and then after i processed it through my butt, i would go to a plastic surgeon and have him surgically stitch my scrotum back in place.  Anyways, your favorite future Olympic marathonner is back and this time i got some beef with every f***ing pussy slow runner who has tried to take my roost in my absence.

As you were aware, i suffered a concussion and was hospitalized a few years back and gained 50 pounds.  I tried to come back and return to form but it just didn't happen for me as quickly as i had wanted it too.  So rather than blow your mind with beautiful anecdotes about me attempting to run, i decided to let the doucherino blog a bit.  I mean, he seemed alright and kind of funny at first, but now he is just a SLOW WHINY BITCH.  I can't fucking take  it anymore and then he fucking writes the same poem from the movie "The Grey"!  Are you FUCKING SERIOUS?  That is like Ryan Hall going out to a race and claiming he is going to win.  It just doesn't fucking happen.  I am over that pussy.  I let him win the Olympic Trials or whatever... and then what does he do?  He backs out of the race.  Sad.  Its really sad.  We have like zero sub-2:00 marathonners here in The America of United Estados or something.  Are we a generation of pussies?  I mean, Pre could run like 60 sub-2:00 marathons in a matter of two months.  He could run a 2:15:00 marathon as a recovery run.  And now you have all of these articles in Running Times or SLOWRUNNERS WORLD about guys who can barely jock off a 5:00 mile pace for 20-miles.  Well, fuck it.  I'm back.  The king of running has returned and i will have my veangance!
 

So today is the first day of training.  I ran an easy 20-miler at a 4:45/clip which consisted of a two minute warm-up, 30x100 metre striders followed by 1x3:00 hard; 1x5:00 hard; 1x60:hard.  Repeat.  That is how men do fartleks.  Who the hell came up with 1:00 hard/1:00 easy.  Who needs easy?  If i wanted to run easy, i would just pace Ryan Hall.  Hell to the no. You think the Kenyans run easy?  Do you think the Ethiopians run easy?  No.  They don't!  And neither should you.

So it feels good to have 20-miles on the week.  I have been training a bit beforehand, but i should get going again soon.  Tomorrow i feel will be a good time to explain to my boss that i will not be working at Burger King anymore.  Hell no, my friends.  I am going back to running full time and i will blog about it.  You can use my training as your lessons on how to run.  I will also take questions.

Lesson of the Day:  When you go on a long run.  Try not to drink any liquid at least 24-hours before hand.  Weather doesn't matter.  The goal is to train your body to create its own fuel.  How do you think Galen Rupp got so mediocre?  So for you SLOW people out there, don't drink fluids.  Seriously.  You're probably FAT as a result of your being so SLOW so you could use the weight loss.  Water weight is bad. You don't want to look like Zach Galifinakis in a swimsuit.  I mean shit!  Its bad enough that you can't even break 4:00 for the mile, hold off the water there hoss!
 

Ok.  I am about to eat a champion's dinner:  One slice of wheat toast with a Burger King ketchup packet.

Shit... that reminds me.  I need to get a sponsor again.  And i need to get a coach.  I guess I got some work ahead of me.