New Year's Grieve?

It was Saturday December 31 and i set out to complete the last long run of the calendar year 2011.  I had decided earlier in the week to try to run with the running team based out of Schaumburg, IL that is sponsored by both Saucony brand running shoes and running gear as well as Kock Lake, a local running store chain.  We met at Barrington High School which was uniquely named as it was located in this community called Barrington.  Everyone had met there at 8:00 AM to go for the run, but i showed up at 8:15 and made them wait.  Rule #1 when you are  a FAST Superstud like myself and celebrity is that you should NEVER show up to any event on time.  While it is already super exciting for everyone just to have the honor of running with you (for a quarter fraction of a second), it makes  it even greater when they have to wait a little longer for said glory.  I told everyone to relax because i was finally there, to which the entire group showed support with the "you're number one" hand gesture involving the center finger which i am so accustomed to receiving.  I love being loved!

Everyone was going some weak distances (12 to 15 miles), so i decided to run with whoever was going to go the fastest.  It turned out to be some kid going 6:40s which was weak sauce but i decided to "active recover" for five miles and chat with him.  After the five, i looked around and no one was in sight.  Pussies.  What kind of running club is this?  Maybe its a jogging club or jelly of the month club.  Either way, i turned up the heat and blasted through the next 10 miles at 5:10 average clip.  I started to circle around just to see if i could find anyone?  I didnt' find them.  I did see a lot of horses and all of the streets looked the same with the exact street names seemingly going forever.  Whatever, i am so fast i just beat these guys by 15 miles before they reached 4. ha!  I am so FAST and such a stud, i guess you can't buy talent!

I ran for what my garmin read as 10 more miles but at a 5:40 clip. I slowed it down because i started to see the same scenery again and i think something was wrong.  The same three horses on the MacDonald ranch... and there was the same dead squirrel doing some weird form of a sixty nine position on the side of the road at Ridge Ave.  Hmm... Something was wrong.  I have gone 25 miles and am yet to see ANYONE! 

So i ran a little further (like 2 miles at a 5:50 clip) and then decided to head back.  I made a few turns and looked at my watch... 6:30 clip.  What the hell?  Something is wrong as i don't EVER run this slow when there is effort involved.  I think my garmin was broken and then i also saw those horses again and that same DAMN dead squirrel... so i decided to sprint until i saw something familiar.  BOOM!  I ran so hard and made it to that stop sign and decided to go right.  I ran all the way until Algonquin Rd as i had been doing and then made a right on this other street which seemed familiar.  I then made a right turn at Ridge Avenue and discovered that same DAMN SQUIRREL AGAIN!  FUCK!  So i kept running and then noticed the same three horses on that damn farm.  Looked at my watch and just hit 6 miles at a 6:55 clip.  I have now gone over 30 miles... AHHHHHh!  Where am i?

So i decided the best thing to do was run foward until the stop sign.  There was a  left turn arrow on the ground which was seemingly left by someone wanting to be followed.  So i instinctually made a right turn.  Then i reached Algonquin Road.  I know this street so i made a right turn.  I then hit this right on other street that seemed familiar.  Then made a right on RIdge.  uh oh.  Why do i keep ending up int he same spot?  It took about 4 more hours of running and the clip kept getting slower until i finally figured out i was running in circles and got to my car at a 12:00 clip.  Wow!  I just ran 60 miles when i had only set out to do 20.  Ugh.  What a terrible way to end the year.  So i drove my car to that dead squirrel and brought him for my wall.  I needed a reminder of my failure to recognize direction or signs..

Later that day i went over to Iron Mark's house for a New Year's Eve party.  I was not invited but i noticed that this girl, with whom i was involved in a stalking relationship with (i need more background information before i ask her out and we make sweet love), had RSVP'd to his party.  Then i got an address and boom i showed up.

As soon as i got there, i announced to everyone that i would not be drinking because i was a runner and in training for the Olympic Marathon.  I also said that i would be leaving around 10:00 PM so that i could wake up early and go for a training run.  People called me lame and said that it was NYE and i should at least party a little bit.  SLOW!  That is what i declared all of them.... SLOW!  FAT & SLOW!  They don't understand how to be awesome and live awesome.  LIFE is way more fun when you are training and winning stuff.  So i decided to stick to my plans.

Iron mark said that he understood my stiuation and handed me a drink.  i took a sip and nearly spat it out... "Why does this orange juice taste funny?"  he said it was because i was soo thirsty from my long run and proceeded to hand me another... and another.. and another.. Before i knew it i had my shirt off and was singing clay aiken songs on his karaoke player... My  head felt really weird but i had SOO much energy!  I kept drinking the OJ he gave me.  But now i was hungry.. He said he had burgers to which i declined... i am on a diet.  He said that they were fat free burgers from McDonalds.  YUM!  So i ate 15 quarter pounders with cheese... they tasted SOOO good.... i took a sip of my drink and looked around... uh oh!  The room began to spin.  Next thing i knew i woke up on the floor next to a garbage pail and my eyes were watery.  What was in that orange juice? I looked in the garbage and saw puke galore... YUCK!  the smell made me puke more.  i looked at the clock and it read 10:30 PM.  That must be wrong... So Iron Mark asked if i was thirssty. I said yes and he gave me some more orange juice and as soon as i took a sip the world went dark.

I woke up again and the lights were off in the house.  Somehow, i was naked next to the fire place.  I looked at a clock and it read 4:35 AM.  What the hell?  My body felt destroyed... There was puke everywhere and i think someone threw all of his couch cushions all over the place and broke all the beer bottles everywhere...I was thirsty.  So i went to the fridge to get another orange juice drink to quench the thirst.  There was a note.  It read:

"Dear Running Fast Man,

please get the F%*$ out of my house.  You've ruined everything and its going to cost me thousands to fix it.  You weren't even invited to the party.  I think you even made out with a picture i had on the wall.  Then you tried to go further.. By the way, i put vodka in your drink so now your new years day running plans are F$%*ed.  Ryan Hall put me up to this.  Good luck recovering from this, bitch! On a side note, i look forward to kicking your ass in the Indoor Marathon.

i hate you,
Iron Mark"


Boy i felt like crap.  I have never consumed alcohol before but i swear i will never have another sip ever again!  I wish i could remember more but for some reason i can't.  I all know is that Iron Mark cannot win that marathon.  I will destroy him.  and that pussy ryan hall!  Time to go for a run!