Day 29, 30, & 31: Like a Nighthawk, baby

I figured out that I am like Batman, a creature of the night.  Some of my best runs are ran in the night time, the time when immortals take the form of man and run incredibly fast.  A lot of SLOW people i know like to run in the morning... I understand it makes it easier to get your "run" out of the way early on, but sometimes i spend hours into the wee morning hours looking up my name on google to see if anyone wrote any articles on me and i also delve into the athlinks to see if there are any new times posted on my page, or if any of my rivals had times posted on their page, or to see if anyone wrote on my wall.  I also like to provide minute by minute updates on facebook letting people know when i drink tea, use the restroom, buy a sweater, or look at DJ from "Full House" in an inappropriate manner because I feel that these are important things for SLOW people to take note.  After all, everyone wants to know what the fast people do, what they think, what they eat and how they live, so this is a free service i provide them.

Busse Woods (Day 29)
So two nights ago i ran an exhilarating 7-mile run through Busse Woods at 11:30 PM.  It was one of those wild times where none of the usual SLOW people are out, although i saw some of those orange people i have been seeing lately... I think they run for Kock Lakes Running Team or something.  Well on this night there weren't many runners out at all.  The goal was to kick in a 5:15 clip type effort to prep for a Saturday Morning 5k race.  I hit the first mile pretty hard at a 4:30 pace which felt good but i knew that i had to back down the effort based upon the lake effect coming from Lake Michigan into the Schaumburg area.  Sometimes the lake effect severely speeds up my breathing and gives me leg pain as if i am overexerting myself and tonight was no different... Around mile two, i noticed what was one of many interesting things for the day.  I saw a tea party going on in the forest.. and it just felt right.  I would've joined in but i would never want to disturb a tea party as an uninvited guest..  Upon closer inspection, i realized that it was no dinner party at all but rather a homeless guy drinking a Four Lokos beverage (probably the fumes remaining from a can left on the ground) and he was having a discussion about politics with a squirrel.   After hearing some of his points, i really didn't feel that Obama caused the Vietnam War and was hording oil  in a Subaru Outback located in Austrailia, Middle East.. SO i moved on.  i hit the next three miles at a 5:25 clip and was going smooth until i ran into a herd of moose.  It seems like they some how got trapped behind some type of fencing... There were about 12 of them in what made probably the third best looking herd of moose i have ever seen in the last 3 years.  I felt bad so i lifted the botttom of the fence up and started to let some of them out... Well one of them got his antler stuck in the fence and the others started moaning... I tried to lift the fence up further but could not... Then i realized that i had left my garmin on and my overall clip was slowing byt he second.. Well, i am pretty important and i gotta finish the run so i took off.. Besides, the moose got himself into this mess and could probably get himself out of it.  He is an adult.  He should probably get a job while he's at it too...  Anyways, i ended up finishing the run in 38:00 and didn't really feel all too bad.  I had run 20 miles earlier that day so this was a good effort pre-5k race.

Day 30: Recovery Run
I ran 16 miles of recovery run at a 6:34 clip.  I am not really sure what else to write about this.  I wore tights and stuff.  I ate a bagel, it was sesame seeded and i used nutella spread.  I love Nutella spread.  it is pretty cocoa-ey and really makes for an excellent topping..  I talked with some friends and they also use Nutella spread.  Oh, i also wanted to mention that i ran this run in a pair of Saucony brand running shoes.

Day 31: The Race
Today i had signed up for my first 5k race of the season.  The race was pretty huge and i heard a lot of people like Ryan Hall were going to be there... The race was called "The St. Josaphat Church Fun Run to Raise Awareness About Africa And Stuff" so i knew it was a super important date on the racing calendar... As usual, i arrived at the place exactly three hours prior to race time.

I immediately talked to the race director when i got there to discuss the logistics of my Elite Starting Corral and what types of foods & accomodations i would need for the race, before and after. The race director was some guy named Dan and he had no idea i was going to be here.  Geez!  Fricking SLOW amateurs... I told him that i sent an e-mail with my demand list and request for comped entry months ago.  he said he had thought it was a joke and that no one in their right mind would make such requests for a "fun run".  I told him that there ain't nothing "fun" about my sweet running moves and how fast i am going to be at the finish line.  i then said that my performance would probably inspire a nation and spike up registration for next year.  You see, being fast is my business, and making money is the result.

He then told me that there were some bananas on a table somewhere and that i should find them somewhere in the opposite side of the room.  I asked if they were Chiquita bananas because any other bananas would be the equivalent of crap!  I don't think he heard me because he began walking away mid-sentence.  oh well, at least i can potassium-up.

Well i got to the start line and i appeared to be the only one wearing racing spandex.  There was also no Elite Corral.  This was completely unacceptable but since it was the first race of the year, i was ok with it.. I guess.  And then i didn't see Ryan Hall anywhere.. That is until this shoe salesman came up to me and asked me if i thought i was gonna break 20.  i told him that he was clearly too SLOW to speak to me and that he should leave the Elite Corral which was now the 5 foot diameter surrounding me.  I let out a pre-race fart and then the gun went off...

I immediately took the lead and was on pace for a 4:20 first mile.  I looked around and there was no one in sight.  Not even a person on the bike to lead this thing......  I followed some cone thingys and there were SLOW people at certain corners directing me where to go.  I hit the first mile at a 4:36 and was still pretty alone.  I looked around and could not find where my water bottle was gonna be placed.  You see i gave Dan my water bottle which contained Natual Spring Water, HGH, Gatorade, Pig's Blood, Orphan tears (Sudanese orphans, they cry the best), and other race fluids... What the Eff?  What gives?  Well anyways, i wouldn't let this ruin my race.    I turned around mile two and my clip slowed down to a 4:45 pace... There was still no one around.  Some little boy was walking down the street and asked me what i was doing..  I told him that  i could give him autographs later but right now i had a race to win.

I headed towards the final stretch... i could see the finish line.  There was a clock but there were... no Volunteers?  I crossed the finish in 14:37 and saw that there were no people around to take my time, record a result, congratulate me, tell me how awesome i was, hand me a post-race concoction or anything... I walked over to Dan and asked him what gives!  he said that there were no official results because this was a "fun run".  I asked him what the "f" was so fun about racing a 5k with no results... he looked confused and said that it was for charity and that it was good i donated.  I should have known that when i was the only one on the starting line with my own personalized BIB that something was awry.  I asked Dan what my award was for winning it and he said that it was the pride of knowing that people are more aware of Africa for my donations.  I punched him in the face and took his clip board.  This will serve as my reward.  Well, i thought i had hit him hard but there didn't turn out to be a lot of blood.  he started cursing and asking for people to joing him...what a good time for a cool down.  So i decided to run a good 7 mile cooldown east of where this event took place.  Ironically it was where my car was located..  I managed to escape but then i got a voicemail message saying that i was forever banned from the event.  So what!  No Spring Water, no results... who cares.

Overall, these past few days have been pretty good, but i need to step up my game.   A 14:37 5k will win you a "fun run" but it won't get you anywhere with the ladies or pay your rent or buy you Kanye West CDs.  Which reminds me, i need to find a lady to pay my rent and listen to Kanye West CDs with... If anyone knows of such a person, please forward their contact information, race times, and three letters of reccomendation my way.

Thanks!

Day Twenty Seven & Twenty Eight: My Run Is All I Have To Give!

Well it seems over the past few days that I am finally getting over my cold.  While deep down inside i blame SLOW people, i feel that this is another test along the way in my quest for Olympic Greatness.  Although I am sure that most people would try to use a "sickness" as an excuse for losing.  me, no!  In fact, yesterday, I ran 32 X 400 on the 2:00.  This gave me 1:00 rest between each interval...  Even though i coughed what i thought were my left and right kidneys along the way, i felt that this was the only way to beat sickness was to look it dead in the face.  With each breath growing stronger, i could feel mucus accumulating in my lungs.  This was a good thing as I would not want mucus to accumulate in my nose or nasal passages and its about damn time my lungs do something. 

Last night, approximately 5 hours after my track workout, i went for a little 7 mile run at a dec (Deese) clip.  I wanted inspiration. I wanted to feel like i was coming back.  I wanted glory.  So i converted my Backstreet Boys "Millenium" album into MP3s.  wow!  What a rush.. With each step, i could feel those feelings that i had back in my glory days.  Back when i used to be king of the track and was able to go on dates with ladies and stuff...But now aint nothing but a heartache, nothing is a mistake....I dedicated each mile of the run to each member of the Backstreet Boys, with the exception being miles 6 & 7, which were given to Howie & Brian, whom i related to the most, and therefore, were most deserving of two miles each.  For the AJ mile, i decided to age grade at a 90% and run a 4:25.... After all, he was the crazy one!  The song which came on was "I want it that way".....  So I ran my ass off and sang out loud.  I must have been a good singer because soon after i started, every dog and cat in the neighborhood started making noises and singing along with me. 

Mile 2 was dedicated to Howie so i ran it at a 5:25 clip and with style.  Every corner i would do a two step... I would keep running.  The goal of this mile was to quit playing games from the start and just live my life...  The only problem came when i hit a corner, tried to twostep and ended up sliding into a lamp pole which in turn flipped me in the air causing a 180 degree of difficulty belly flop on the ground.  However, with the backstreet boys music going on, i knew that i was too strong to let the old lady snickering get to me so i picked it up and finished the mile. 

Mile 3 was all about Brian.  So i hit that one at a 5:00 clip but made sure to put on a love making face for all of the ladies i ran past..  I found one lil beauty in the parking lot of a Jewel Osco.  I don't think she noticed my "o" face so i decided to run circles around her... Well now i got her attention, because she pulled what appeared to be some sort of spray out of her pocket.  So i paused the garmin and decided to serenade her like Brian would.... I began by serenading her with a lil "Larger than Life" and before i could hit the chorus i heard a spray sound and soon was crying on the ground with the most burning feeling going on  in my eyes.  I asked "Why?  Why would you do this?" to which i heard nothing but running footsteps as a reply.  I gathered myself and decided to continue my run....

Now that i was covered in pepper spray and a mess emotionally, i knew that mile 4 had to be all bout Nick..  So of course, i got all up angry in my face and decided to take it out at a 4:54 pace..  I thought about everything that ever bothered me in my life and just ran it out of my system.  I hit the half at about a 4:30 pace when i just had to pause my watch and bend down and cry.  I don't know if it was "My Love is All I HAve to Give" or what.. but the way Nick hits that solo is just absolutely amazing....  It made me think of the girl I am really in love with.. If she can get FAST enough, i would give her nothing but my love as it is literally ALL that i have to give..  Literally!  I sold all my possessions to buy more Saucony brand running shoes and apparel because nothing makes a run better than wearing Saucony and showing other people that you wear Saucony brand running gear because that drives a lot of respect.... I also have no money because my sponsorship isn't paying the bills... Anyways, i got all of my tears out of the way and proceeded to...

Mile Five was all about Kevin, the mysterious one.  So since it was a mysterious mile, i decided to do a little fartlek in dedication to him.  A good fartlek consists of inserting sprints in your run (which should already age grade at 85% minimal) so that you can step in front of SLOW people and fart on them... I noticed that there were some more of those damn runners who wear orange so i made sure to sneak up on them (NO yelling Track).. "Hi Matt" i heard one call to which i replied with a fart... and then sprinted off..  That is what Kevin would do.... I was able to finish this mile in about 5:30..

Miles six and seven were just repeats.. I finished the run in about 34 minutews which was ok timing, but the experience was one that i'll never forget.  Wow!  A rekindled love i developed for that girl and a fresh energy produced from the Backstreet Boys.  If any of you SLOW people have the chance, you should totally pick up the album.  it is around 10 years old and a classic.  Whether you are running, making love to a partner or yourself, or just sitting in your mom's studio apartment watching "Yes Dear" reruns, this is THE album for you!

Today was just a 20 mile run... but nothing compared to that magic!

Day Twenty Five & Twenty Six: The Sauckness!

Two more days have passed since I've been able to report to you about my Olympic training.  While i do not apologize, because that is only a refuge for the SLOW, I can understand your great desire to hear about and possible envision the fast running of me.  Since Saturday, I have developed some sort of acute cough mechanism in my throat which has not been able to cease even after copious amounts of Whiskey and Turkey Broth (reccomendation from one of my readers).  I have taken approximately 12 dayquil pills and am starting to see my shadow perform actions and movements which do not mimic mine.

But fear not, unlike those running against Rahm Emmanuel, I will not be giving up so easy.  Now the smartest thing that you can do when drenched in a sea of illness is exercise, exercise, and exercise.  The second smartest thing you can do is refrain from eating.  You see, when the illness takes you, it limits the level of output your body can perform.  Since you are not performing at an optimal level, you are not burning calories at an optimal level, so if you eat when you get sick you will become overweight and SLOW.

After a six mile recovery run at a 6:20 clip this morning, i decided i needed to go shoe shopping.  Now there is no better place to buy shoes than my favorite running shoe store in the northwest suburbs of Chicago, Kock Lake.  I walked into the store and immediately the salesman greeted me.  He asked me how much i was willing to spend today.. I told him that i only had about $100 remaining in my checking account from my sponsor.  He said that he could sell me something for that amount.  he then asked if he could observe my gait.  I told him that i was a professional runner and that his careful observance of my "gait" as he put it would be nothing short of mere adulation and possible stalking.  "Fair Enough" he replied and we proceeded to walk over to the shoe racks.  Now there were some other runners in the store at the same time as me... They looked like they were very SLOW and just returned from a run..  Many of them were wearing weird colors like orange or green.  It made me laugh... Don't these fools realized that one should only wear black running clothes because they do not reflect light?  When you are running and you are reflecting light, it really slows down your pace and results in an 8% downgrade to your overall performance.  Idiots...

Anyways, the salesman then asked me what kind of arch i had in my foot.  I slapped him in the face and told him how that was a very personal question and how uncomfortable i would be with answering that... Just as he was about to walk away and tell his boss, i told him that i wanted the new pair of Sauconys.  I said that not only are Saucony's a high performing running shoe but it was also a trusted name in the market.  Saucony offers a wide variety of shoes for every kind of runner big or tall, fat or small, man or woman, normal or canadien.  They offer road flats, track spikes, minimalist shoes, trainers, and even cross-breeds like the Kinvara or Mirage which offer the same support as a trainer but also the unique lightweight feel of a road flat.  Saucony shoes are also a way to improve your life.  I find that when i approach women in a brand new pair of Sauconys, they take to my compliments better and let me buy them stuff.  I also noticed that when i slipped on a pair of Saucony brand running shoes, the size of a certain part of my anatomy, was approximately 5.85% larger than what it was before.  i also noticed that when i was running in a pair of Saucony brand running shoes once that i was able to bench press 1,000 pounds, rescue a lady from a burning building, throw cars high into the air and deep across the ocean, become a five star general in the National Guard, sink an NBA style three point basket, get an autograph from Lebron James, and eat my own weight in Papa John's pizza.  I also find that whilst wearing my Saucony brand running shoes, i am able to give people better directions and offer my friends better love advice.

Now after i purchased my pair of Saucony running shoes from Kock Lakes in the northwest suburbs of Chicago, IL, i couldn't help but notice that my bank account was run dry.  I felt sad, but then decided that hey, i have a pair of Saucony brand running shoes on, and went for a run.  Not even five hours into the run did i find a $20 bill on the street.  That, my SLOW friends, is what we call "ROI" in the business...

Days Twenty Three & Twenty Four: ABS-O-LUTELY

I apologize for not updating the blog yesterday.  I was at the gym working on abs for my annual Ab-A-Thon event.  Basically it raises money for fast runners in need and the contest measures how many crunches you can do in a 24-hour time period.  Of course, i won the event with 23,304,230 repetitions, which was a course record.  The only problem is that no one else had the guts to participate in this competition and there were no SLOW people there to cheer me on...  I had paid a man named Libertine a few dollars to keep count for me. 

Today I put in a 20-mile recovery run in the morning to get the legs fresh for tonight's super hard workout.  The run was performed in 2:04 which age grades pretty decent, for a recovery run.  Now i have been getting a bit of a sore throat lately, and am not sure i should continue my running as is or if i need to make an 8% downward adjustment towards my mileage over the next day and a half, which should put me back in God's healthy graces again.

Another activity i was thinking of doing is to replace some of my 10X2X5X4X10X5X56X4 runs with long-track speed skating so that i can hone my long distance anaerobic skills.  I was watching the 1984 winter olympics on the tv and it was just so inspiring to see these people do 5ks in 7:00 and 10ks in 13 minutes.  I feel that once i start doing that, those times will be easier for me to achieve with just running alone.

Final order of business is that there will be the first SLOW person Q & A session coming very shortly.  Please make sure to either post a question on this entry or e-mail one to matt@jeromix.net.  Now i am sure that most of the questions will deal with "why can't i be fast?" but i will do my best to help you out. 

Olympic Marathon Qualifier Goal Time:  2:02:59
Olympic Marathon Gold Medal Goal Time:  2:00:00

Day Twenty Two: This run is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S?

Today was the first day i decided to try that new diet i concocted.  The goal was to consume as many bananas, gel packs, gatorades, water, and monster energy drinks as i could before this morning's run.  Then i was going to make sure that everything was "sealed" so that i could maximize my pace potential by having all of those nutrients stay in my body.

So i used a lot of duct tape, petroleum jelly, and weezer albums to make this happen.  Finally, my theory could be proven true.  The goal was to do ten miles and i felt i could get it done.
I started off pretty well, although i felt my stomach gurgle a little bit, but i figured this is what would happen.  its like bringing a picnic basket to the park, its all heavy when you take it out of your 1986 volvo station wagon, and then you gotta tell your date that your other newer car is in the shop,a nd then bring that heavy picnic basket to an area where there are very few people and where visibility is at its least, and then tell your date to try all of the foods in the picnic basket while you just sip on water and wait... err.. I mean, my body is like a picnic basket as its heavy at first and then gets lighter as the food is processed. 

The first mile was slow at a clip of 4:55, but i figured with all of this food, that would be how it is.  Right when i made a right turn for the second straightaway, that is when i felt the first stomach ache.  Now normally during a run, this is where you burp or fart or something to clear the line... But since that was not an option, my body kind of did a reverse fart which not only created an even bigger stomach ache, but i could feel it heading north on the body by jake parkway...  Ugh!  Well i fought and fought and made mile two at a clip of 5:20.  Only eight more to go they say.  I then proceeded to make my right turn on to Evergreen Street, which happens to be my favorite street based on the number of red cars which park on the street.  I feel i run faster when there are red cars, don't know why, but my average age grade is typically 1.15% higher.  Now, i rounded mile three and i knew there was a problem.  You see, my stomach felt heavier and heavier and soon i felt the need to turn around... quickly.... ahhhhh!  So i did a little turnaround and was going down the street at a substantially rapid pace.  Now as the pace picked up, i felt that the food in my stomach was moving just as fast... I looked at the average clip at mile four and we were at 5:15 which means i hit a 4:59 for that mile.  I kept moving and kept moving... Soon it was as if the Greeks delivered the Trojan horse and were trying to break down my city walls, which were protected by duct tape at this moment...  A mile and a half i kept telling myself...

Now i was running and i kneew this was a time bomb.  I kept picking up the pace as i didn't want this thing to go off.  I saw an oncoming car approaching me from the opposite lane and they turned on the left blinkers.. Ok, i am 200 yards away, there are no other cars around.. make the turn. NOPE!  The person kept looking at me as if i were moving 100 mph.. I motioned my arm for them to turn, but they just sat there.  Finally i am about to reach the intersection and they moved one inch forward, whcih caused me to stop... I moved an inch forward, then i stopped because i saw she started moving... "Move your f%&&%ing car, i am trying to run"  "TRACK"  "GO" are phrases which i yelled at her as she just stared blanklessly apparently in fear that i was going to run into her car and hurt myself.  We were at a deadhalt for about 20 seconds when i started to move again, when all of a sudden she moved... UGH!  I stopped and yelled "JUST GO ALREADY" to which she waved for me to cross.... I then proceeded to wave for her to cross.  For a period of five minutes, we were waving for each other to either turn a car or cross a street.  There were cars lined up behind me and cars lined up behind her, honking, waiting, wondering just what the hell was going off.   It looks like we have ourselves a Classic Texan Standoff.  So i sprinted forward for five yards further (only two yards to go) when her car turned as well and nearly hit me.  I jumped up in the air like Wilt chamberlain at an orgy and was able to jump over the front bumper of her car.  What i didn't realize was that this athletic manuever, this leap of faith, this masterful example of human perfection was the straw which would break the levy...Like Justin bieber would say "Baby, Baby, Baby NOOOOO!!!".. I will remember what happened next for the rest of my life in slow motion... As i landed this manuever, i absorbed the impact with my legs and bent down on my knees just a little bit.  At the same time, the tape broke off and there was an "Exorcist" like emission of energy drink, gel, banana, and everything else moving out.... which propelled me in the air again... This time i flew about seven feet up in the air and was not as agile with landing my fall...   which was right on the hood of the lady's car... Splat!  It was a giant mess.  by this time, people were walking out of their cars and just standing in awe trying to determine what just happened here... I looked at the ground and there was just a pile of well, energy drink mix, we'll call it which was kind of shaped like the Voltron symbol from the 1980s.....   Now, i no longer had a stomach ache so i decided to continue running..  I finally got home and burned all remaining evidence which i was wearing that day.

After a nice cold bath of rubbing alcohol and hydrogen peroxide, i put on the Lady Gaga "Fame Monster" CD to relax.  What a long day.  I plugged in my garmin and it did reveal some of the best paces for the first five miles of that run that i have hit in two weeks.  Overall, my five miles were at 25:59.. Mile six included an hour of a Texas Standoff so i disincluded it from the list.  SO while my diet proved to make me a little faster for this marathon tempo paced run, it was not worth all of the baggage... Project Fail.  At least tonight i know to go untaped....

Day Twenty One: Not So Neighborly

Today started off with a bang.  Literally!  I woke up fifteen minutes early to the loud sounds of pounding.  The source of the disruption appeared to be from my neighbor's apartment above my unit.  He may have been getting injured as there appeared to be a lot of furniture moving and i thought i heard a scream or a moan.  I decided that this was the sound of an emergency so i quickly ran upstairs, kicked open the door and ran to his bedroom, which seemed to be the area of action.  Much to my dismay, it was.  I saw my neighbor on his bed with a partner, and they both were in the buff..  Suddenly, they noticed that i was there and stopped moving.  I heard a "What the F$&& are you doing?" and soon a footchase was underway. 

My neighbor

Now i was only in a compression thong, but the situation called for a run.  I decided that rather than run to my apartment, i would take an opportunity from this moment to get a good run in.  It was more of a natural run for me anyways.  No Garmin, No Shoes.  Just a thong and two angry men chasing me.  I quickly made a left turn onto the main street.  The shouts in the backdrop started to dissipate and pretty soon it was just me, the street, and the morning.  I decided that i was gonna run the ten  mile loop today.  After the two mile mark, i started to notice that it was pretty cold out.  Now don't get me wrong, it has warmed up a bit since last week, but forty degrees is pretty cold when you don't have a shirt on.  My feet were also hurting from the pounding on the cold pavement.   I had memorized where each telephone pole was so i was staggering from side to side to avoid getting within ten feet of one during the run.  Around the six mile marker, i was kind of numb and feeling like i was hitting a good clip.  I ran by a couple walking their dog.  I must have caught them by surprise as they didn't give me their usual "number one" gesture. After i passed them, i thought i heard the sounds of someone puking followed by a "Put on some clothes".. But it must have been something else going on back there.  I finally got back home.  Wow!  This barefoot running thing is A-MAY-ZING!  My feet barely hurt and although my chest was cold and i couldn't feel my nostrils, i felt this was the healthier way to run.  I figure i should really nail a few of these runs in every other week.

Now I came across another genius running idea as well.  As some of you SLOW readers out there know, i like to dole out sage like running advice which will help put some pep in your step and make you less SLOW.  Today, i was thinking about how awesome it is when you take a gel pack and the burst of energy which ensues.  Well, don't you hate it when after you drink an energy drink, take a gel pack, eat a banana, and drink a gallon of water six hours before a race you have to use the bathroom?  It makes me mad because my body is practically wasting all of those nutrients which i had put into my body to help with my running in the first place.  So i decided that for tonights run i am going to make sure that all exits are "locked" with some type of duct tape or staple or something so that my retention ratio age grades at a 100%.  I will let you know how this goes...

Day Twenty: Running for an Egyptian

During this morning's run, i couldn't help but think that there are other parts of the world outside of the places that i run.  This made me really sad because that means that there are millions upon millions of people who won't be able to experience the joy, the passion, and the glory of watching me train, stretch, race, sprint, and hustle on a daily basis.  These people must be sad and depressed because I can't think of anything else that would make their life fulfilling.  Plus, I am sure that all of them are SLOW because where can you run at?  On a field?  On trails?  Ha!  Nobody's been able to train to be fast on anything other than paved roads and tracks and streets and stuff.

I ran around 10 miles in 52:04 this morning for a nice easy "get the rust out" type of jog.  Plus i wanted to get my body recovered from yesterday's debacle.  There sure were a lot of supporters on the route today too, because everyone i ran by kept giving me the "You're #1" symbol.  Plus all of the cars would honk at me multiple times as they drove by my right and my left side... Its days like these when you realize how awesome of a human being you are.  But then again, i thought about all of those other people who live in Africa, Egypt, and Delaware who don't even know how beautiful my gait is.  They have never seen the sweat glisten across the backs of my hamstrings as i stroll along in my compression suit.  Being the good person that i am, i figured that this was to happen no more.  I must now reach out.  But how?  My sponsor can barely cover my rent and my shoes and my gel packs.  There is no money left over for a flight to Egypt.  That would cost at least $140 USD.  So i decided to start a fundraiser. 

First i would need an envelope to put checks in and a t-shirt that said "Help me Help Egypt".  So i found a permanent marker and wrote that on one of my undershirts.  There was only one in the drawer which did not have any gel pack stains on it.  Now, i know i was saving this for a formal occasion, but i was in dire financial straits and sometimes you just gotta wear your sunday best, you know.  So i started off going door to door.

You wouldn't imagine the support i was receiving.  People were just handing me checks and cash and stuff.  They asked what i was doing and i told them "I am here to free Egypt from their pain and boredom.  I am going to visit them and bring them faith and happiness.  Please donate to help me help Egypt."    People were just super supportive and kept giving me money.  I moved this on to the city of Chicago as i figured what's successful in Roselle would be at least 4 times as successful in the city.

So for the next three hours, i was raising money by the handfuls for my Egypt trip.  People were hugging me and telling me how good of a person i was, not that i need to know, but it is cool when SLOW people recognize your awesomeness.  It was four o'clock when i counted my money.. Wow!  i had raised $5,540.40.  That would totally get me to egypt.  When all of a sudden some cops approached me and asked me what the hell i was doing.  I gave the full explanation... I told them about my morning run, i gave them my mile splits, i told them what i ate for breakfast and then i told them about how i was gonna save egypt by showing them my running prowess and that it would make them be inspired to be NOT SLOW.  The cops then informed me that number one, i had no permit to solicit donations, and number two, i was being fraudulent and ripping people off.  Apparently there had been some turmoil in Egypt over the past few weeks and people may have gotten the wrong idea about what my intentions were.  SLOW people are such jerky idiots.  So for the second day in a row i was thrown in a jail cell.

Unfortunately today, my mom was on a date with Hector seeing some Adam Sandler movie so no one could bail me out.  In fact, the cops took my money and split it amongst themselves for "beer money' as one guy put it.  I was stuck in a jail cell now with no money and now no Egypt fund.  Damn!  But what i did keep on was my garmin watch and i was getting a signal, so i figured i would go for a second 10 mile run.. Not sure how many laps it will be, but i gotta stick with the dream.  Never Say Never!  Bieber it up!

Day Nineteen: The Longest Yard

Today just seemed like one of those days where i felt my training has been strong, but i haven't had any real hard tests yet.. until today.  The goal for the day is to test out the legs and run as far as i can.  But before I do this, i decided it would be good to consult Bart Yasso, Greg McMillan, Alberto Salazar, Steve Prefontaine, and my ole coach from college. 

Unfortunately, i was unable to reach any of these people.  So i decided  to review whatever training plans they had available on the internets, for free, at 7:00 PM, on a monday night, in the year 2011.  Upon reviewing their logs, i was unable to find any training plans for super advanced future gold medal marathoners.  All these people kept posting was "rest day", "recovery day", "Don't train too hard", "injuries", "sleep", "Nutrition", etal...  Blah!  Blah!  Blah!  I can understand if i were a SLOW runner and hoping to finish a 5k, these would be useful to me.  But I am not that person.  God made me fast so i decided to make modifications.   One of the plans suggested a run of 26.2 miles on a day called "Race Day".  There was very little mileage scheduled before it.  How stupid.  If you are training for a marathon, you should train hard.  Why would he schedule these days off?  Anyways, i figure if a begginner is gonna run 26 miles, then i will go twice that distance.

Well the goal was to go 52 miles at a 5:50 pace (i figure i'll cut the clip down a bit to account for more miles)... I was gonna go out as far as i could and then turn around.  I think once i reach chicago city limits, that would be a solid turnaround point.  I figure a great path to get there would be I-90 at around 5:30 PM.  So i set off from my apartment and began the run... I learned from yesterday that it is much warmer out (thanks weather channel) and that some compression socks, shorts, shirt, arm sleeves, neck guard, ear covers, eye brow holder and hat would do me just fine.

The first mile was a breeze as i reached the highway at a 5:30 clip.  A little too fast but things went fine enough.. Traffic was a little heavy and people were kind of being JERKS honking at me so i decided running in the median wasn't the best option.  I immediately took to the shoulder of the road.  This seemed to be ok, as most cars weren't even moving.  In fact the next five miles flew by as not one car moved even an inch forward during that time..  I looked at my watch and we were at a 5:41 clip.  Whew!  I was happy to be through six miles, only 46 to go... I was running pretty smoothly when suddenly someone opened up their door.  I am not sure if you've ever been on I-90 before but it knocked me from the median to hanging off the ledge.  Some man walked out and asked me what i was doing?  When i got up... he said something very inspiring "Are you some kind of erotic superhero?  why is your clothing so tight?"  Wow.   this guy was amazing, the first SLOW person to recognize that i am beyond human and am actually the fastest person in the world.  Well i bid him adieu and trudged along continuing this long run....

Well i hit mile sixteen and hit the Cumberland toll booths at a 5:55 clip.  Oh shit!  I forgot change to pay for the tolls.. how could i forget this?  Darn!  So i ran up to the toll booth operator and pointed to my garmin watch.  I explained that my GPS watch was still going (because only SLOW people pause it) and that i just needed an envelope so i could mail in my toll change when i return home.  I explained that the United States of America needed me to complete this run so she needed to let me pass.  She explained that only cars go through here.  She said i was a crazy superhero freaky dude and then called security.  Well, i thought i needed some speed work so i decided to sprint... There were about five guys chasing me so i started weaving in and out of traffic.  Like in the movie Die Hard, i saw each security guard, one by one fall down or get hit by an oncoming vehicle.  Whew!  Back to the long run..  I felt good being back on foot.  Except the stoppage lead to my watch showing at average clip of 6:30 at mile 20.  Well, it was time to pick things up.

I decided to do a little tempo run to make up the mileage...The strategy seemed to work as i was back to an average clip of 6:10 by mile 26 except i was in absolute pain at this point.. But no worries, i brought gel packs.  I ate three packages and continued on my way.  Flip, Flop.  Flip, Flop.  My stomach ache was starting to build up... It must have been the coca-cola classic i drank in the third grade.  As a result of this, my legs were aching too.  But i mustered up the courage to get past mile 27, but unfortunately my clip fell to around 6:11.  Ugh!  It was getting colder out too.  I knew this because my breathing was starting to increase... but i kept stepping, prodding forward.  But this weakness kept occuring.  Maybe someone hexed me.  So i continued running and hit mile 28 at a clip of 6:20.  My body was hurting from that coca-cola so i decided that the best remedy would be more gel packs.  Obviously they got me this far, so they would help me finish too....

I got about three more miles in, when i felt kind of sick.  Then all of a sudden the gel pack i took was immediately expunged from my body at a rather quick velocity...  I felt like i wanted to nap... so i decided that maybe fifteen minutes would be good.  There was an abandoned Chevy aveo left unlocked so i took shelter in there.  Six hours later, i woke up in the back of a police car.  How could this be?  I wasn't sure where we were but it was very dark out.

I asked the policeman where we were going and he said "Aha, if it isn't the Green Dipshit!  Welcome back to wakey land.. haha" what was this.. where was this wakey land.  Finally, we arrived at the Chicago Police Station.  I told them what happened and they decided not to press charges.  I called my mother and she came by to pick me up.  i got home around 5:00 AM.  I looked at my garmin watch and it was still going.  Fail.  Overall, i was only able to 31.35 miles in.  Very weak today, i will have to improve on this if i am going to win.  Today was very weak indeed.

Day Eighteen: No Love Run

As we are all aware it is the day before Valentine's Day (or VD as they say in the biz) and this fast dude has not been able to court his lovely crush from the gym.  I was able to see her latest 5k time (which was SLOW and run in Tuscaloosa, AL) by reviewing every race result on active.com for the past three weeks.  As sad as it is.. that she has been unable to break 16 minutes in the 5k... I still must do the right thing and tell her tomorrow that I can no longer continue this love until she shows improvements.  Be it mile splits, a thorough review of her training calendar, or maybe some character interviews with her parents and friends to see if she is truly committed to her plan.

I began this day with a wonderful 10 mile run in the morning... I hit it at a simple 5:25 clip and couldn't help but notice something peculiar.  Now i wore the same outfit i wore the past few weekends, but for some reason i couldn't stop sweating profusely.. I think it might have been the Thai Food i ate the previous Thursday..  normally i eat my thai food spicy because spicy means fast.  SLOW people would typically only dine upon non-spicy foods so that is something i can't do.  But anyways, my gloves, my thermals, my compression sleeves, my two running hats and three t-shirts seemed to be too much for today.  Normally after the first mile of a run, i am not the least bit parched but today i would have drank a vial of cat urine just to quench this insatiable thirst....  Why would it be this way?  Was i getting sick?

Anyways, i got back home and looked at the temperature of the thermometer and it read 45 degrees..  Now that couldn't be right.  I know they shut the cable off when i stopped paying due to not having a steady source of income (to which i told them the milllions i would make running and that their letting me have free cable could be a tax writeoff since i am an olympic champion).  But it was nice, and i just enjoyed that the run was over and i could relax until the next run.

Whilst reading through the latest chatroom topics on letsrun.com, i couldn't help but remember my first speed workout.  My father, not my mom's boyfriend Hector, but my actual biological father started re-entering my life when i was twelve.  He heard that i became a phenomenal runner and told me that he wanted to help me get faster.  Now for all those SLOW people out there, i would reccomend you using these tactics on your children if you wish to break the SLOW disease curse bestowed upon your family generations ago. 

1) The Tack-o-meter:  Make sure to superglue six tacks (pins pointing up) in the sole of your child's running shoe.  Then have the child do a speed set of 30 X 200 metres on the 0:45.  What this will teach the child is how to run on the front of the foot.  Afterall, you don't want little Johnny to be a heel striker.  No heel striker has ever been a fast runner, ever!  So the sooner you can incorporate this work out the better chance you may have to save your child from failure.

2) Taco Hell Mile Bell:  One way to show junior the benefits of a good diet are to teach him the pains of a terrible diet.  We start this exercise by waking the child up at 5:30 AM and telling them to put on his running stuff because we are going to Disney World.  We then ask if they are hungry, which they are, and stop at Taco Bell.  We make junior eat 17 softshell tacos, or a number near that threshold, and give him coca-cola classic to wash it down.  Within fifteen minutes of the completion of the final taco, we take junior to the local track and tell him that the car doesn't have enough fuel to go to disney world and we'll need for him to generate a sufficient energy supply by running mile repeats.  Since junior will be kind of full, i would reccomend limiting the workout to 14 repeat miles on the 6:40.  This should give him about 1:30 rest betwixt reps.  Now he may have overindulged on the tacos and become very ill.  But do not fret, he will have plenty of time to recover after the workout.  Just make sure you don't head home until the workout ends.  Whenever he complains, tell him that Disney World is just that much further away.  Upon completion, take your kid home to shower (because he will smell of taco bell puke and sweat) and then take him to Disney World... or the car wash, whichever is closer.  Just tell him its disney world.  He'll never know the difference.

3) Enhance:  Make sure at a young age you sprinkle steroids and other performance enhancing drugs into every meal you prepare for your child. This will ensure that he will develop properly and be able to outperform all of his other classmates, the SLOW people.  Plus, as he gets older, he will be able to adapt to the newer and more technologically advanced performance enhancers on the market which will be undetectable by current USATF standards.  Although shipping these enhancers from Malaysia may prove expensive, they will be well worth it in the long run.


Now I must get going on run #2 of the night, which is an easy 5X2X3X3X4X4X20 on the treadmill along with 20 X 200 on the 0:30 on the track.  But i hope all of you, even the SLOW people, enjoy the VD.

Day Seventeen: Treadmill Dirty Bit

So a friend e-mailed me a link of the Super Bowl halftime show this morning.  It was probably the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life.  You see this band, The Black Eyed Peas, performed and sounded absolutely amazing... I was shocked that they performed halftime at the Super Bowl, because I had never heard their music before..  They performed these songs "Lets Get it Started", "Where's the Love" and my personal new favorite "Time of your life, Dirty Bit".  Well, i know i don't have a job and am down to my final $200 in my bank account, but i decided it would be best to purchase every single song they have ever made from i-Tunes to employ into my iPod for training purposes.  After all, it will be from my running that this bank account will be replenished.  And greatness needs to listen to greatness.  Game recognizes game, so i thought it was probably the most worthwhile investment one could make when in my situation.  But I am sure you have some difficulty understanding this as you are not in my situation, because, you are probably slow and may barely be able to squeeze in a 4:48 mile or so.

So today's training will just consist of a 20-mile treadmill run for recovery purposes at probably a 6:06 clip.  And i used the remaining funds that i had in my bank account, net of the iTunes purchases, to buy speakers for my iPod.  Now it has gotten warmer in the Chicagoland area, but the snow has not melted as much so i determined it to be in the best interest of the United States of America to train inside.

I arrived at the gym promptly in my "compression" garb.  Luckily most of the treadmills were empty as all of the SLOW people took days off.  It seems to be a contributing factor to their slowness, DAYS OFF.  Real runners don't rest.  In fact real runners don't sleep either.  look at Tera Moody, she doesn't sleep.  WELL she doesn't win either, so nevermind.

I set up my speakers on the treadmill and the plan was to play "Time of Your Life / Dirty Bit" for the first hour of the run.  I began the run and decided that 80 decibels was gonna be sufficient volume for the run.  I wanted it loud enough to energize my recovery run (and make tomorrow's run better) and make me feel like i am at the concert seeing them perform live.  Plus i get such a buzz from hearing the song that i figured 10 times in a row would just put me over the top.  After 15 minutes of this, i noticed there were other people ont he other treadmills, they appeared to be upset.... One guy started looking at me and was mouthing something, but i couldn't hear it because the music was on loud.  He was probably telling me great job and that i was inspiring him to complete his run too.  I was now through 45 minutes and was on the seventh playing of the Dirty Bit, when one of the managers just stood behind my treadmill.  He was probably trying to analyze my form as i know that could be of use for their personal trainers... Either way, i just kept running and smiling and occasionally singing  "IIIIIII HAADD THE TIME OF MY LIFE!!!"

Now 20 minutes passed, and the manager was still just standing there.  He had one of the personal trainers come along.  They just stood there.  What were they doing?  What were they saying?  No seriously, what were they saying?  I couldn't hear them because my Black Eyed Peas music was playing so loudly... Finally the trainer comes around to the front of my treadmill, picks up my speakers i had set up and throws it on the ground behind me.  The manager then took out a sledge hammer and smashed my music set up to pieces... I asked "What gives bro?  You ruined my TUNES!!"  and before they could say anything, everyone in the place started clapping and cheering....  It was as if everyone was against me. Everyone was against my run... Clearly it had nothing to do with the BlackEyed Peas because everyone has to love their music.  They are quite possibly the greatest band ever.

Well i finally finished my run in 2 hours and 2 minutes.  I was very sad at this point and disappointed.  Why would they destroy the one thing that I had spent my last monies on.... So i decided to go home..I was amid tears when one of the managers pulled me aside before i reached the exit door and said "I've had the time of my life, And I've never felt this way before, And I swear this is true, And I owe it all to you!!!"  Then the other trainer said "Douchy Twit" and pointed at me... JERKS!  SLOW JERKS....

Well i lost $200 today and i will no longer be going to this gym.... I guess people just don't have an appreciation for a great runner who listens to great tunes.  I was just trying to share my happiness and appreciation for the Black Eyed Peas with everyone... to quote Eminem, I guess that is why they call it window pane... 

 

Day Sixteen: From Fartlek to Going Pro?

Today was not only the end of the week, but the end of me working a "day job."  No longer will I waste my time earning an income when "not running".  I figure that this whole work thing is holding me back and preventing me from becoming the fastest runner in the world.  Besides with my new sponsorship taking up around 40 hours a week as it is, i no longer have time for this commercial banking thing.

This morning I decided to do a fartlek run for 7 miles with the goal of average 4:45.  I think "fartlek" means "to run as fast as a fart" in swedish.  SO i made sure to eat a lot of bananas and eggs prior to my run so that I'd be SUPER fast.

 I stepped out the door and immediately hit my stride... My first mile was probably at a 4:40 clip although my watch revealed it at 4:48.  it was probably due to the heat wave we've been having in the chicago area.  Sometimes things like weather can affect the satellites which relay the GPS signal to your watch thereby resulting in a reported time much slower than that which you actually ran.  I was halfway through mile 2 when my stomach started hurting a bit.  It wasn't an immediate need to fart at that moment, but i knew that one was in the making.  So i decided that this was the time to implement a two minute sprint.  I moved very very quickly and boom!  I hit my second mile and was at a 5:00 clip.... Now my stomach began hurting a little more, but i figure it must be the weather and i chose to ignore it.  I tried to release the gas from my body, but it just wouldn't work.  Boom, i hit mile three and i am back down to a 4:59 clip.  Now my stomach was really hurting, so i decided the best thing to do was run it out of me.  So i decided to sprint as hard as i could and focus on releasing the "negative energy" stored in my body.... Well i made it 200 yards when splat!  I accidentally "sharted".  Now i don't know if any of you have ever done this before but i was in a pit of disgust and angst...  I tried to run but it was a bit much with what just happened... I was running by a group of SLOW people when before i could yell "TRACK" i heard one of them ask what that awful smell was and then they started puking in the snow as i passed by.  The next two miles were probably the hardest i ever had to endure....


How could this be?  IS this what Swedish people do when they fartlek?  Other than the fact that it helps you lose some unwanted pounds, this was not a very pleasant type of run!  I was rounding the street on the way back to my apartment when i just felt squishy in my tights.  Yuck!  OMG!  Then i decided to look at my watch.  7 miles in 37:16...  WTF!  Now that made me even madder than the "accident" during the run.  How could i not hit my pace?

Well anyways, i immediately took off the dirty running clothes before i entered my apartment and set them afire in the parking lot.  I was about to walk into my apartment when my neighbor opened the door to go to work.  I ducked and tried to cover my naughty bits as they walked down the stairs, well nearly tripped, trying not to look at me.  I then realized that i had my keys in my tights which were ablazing... So i yelled "TRACK" and tried to fly past my neighbor when the door swung hard into my face.  WHACK!

I woke up an hour later with a blanket and a note that read "Please get help".  I looked in the lot and saw the pile of ashes which used to be my "crappy" old running clothes.  I sifted through the remains when i found some type of metal object which i believed resembled my key.  I got into my apartment with great success and showered and cleaned myself up for work.  This time included a solid two hour bath in rubbing alcohol to cleanse myself.

I finally got to work around 11:30 AM and was only 4 hours late.  not a big deal at all..  I called my mom and she said it wasn't a big deal either and that the workplace was very lucky to have such a talent like myself working there.  well my boss didn't think so.  He asked me to come into his office... He asked me why i was late.  I began by telling him about my run and the mile splits i hit (minus the accident) and how i somehow had a door slammed in my face.  He said that my fiction rivaled that of a script written for the Myley Cyrus show and that he was sick of it.  He finally said that I was fired.  I told him that I quit.  I then asked if i still got paid.  He said no. 

Well I was planning on this for a while but i am finally free to train.  Now work isn't holding me back anymore, but now I'll need to trust in my running more than ever to make money.  Maybe i can sell my running to people on the street?  How much would i charge?  How many clients could i find in a day?  I guess i'll have to find these answers out in the future but in the mean time, i have a run i gotta do with Iron Mark.

Day Fifteen: The Holy Divine

Today after my morning run of 17 miles at a 6:01 clip (recovery), I got a call from my friend Tim (remember SLOW guy who can barely break 4:20 for a mile).  He said that he was helping some first communion children for his local Catholic Church and asked if I could speak to them about running and God.  I told him that this would be an honor for the children to have someone of my stature speak to them and that i looked forward to it.  So I put on an outfit which I thought the kids would really look up to me in and set out to Purpleslake, IL.

Tim told me that the meeting started at 3:30 PM so I arrived at 4:15 PM sharp.  I wanted to teach the kids early that sometimes in life we have to wait for great things to arrive.  In this case, for great people to arrive.  I would have been there earlier, but my gold chain got caught in my car door and I was unable to move for 30 minutes.  Luckily some tow truck driver saw me and freed me.

I arrived and Tim welcomed me in the church with raised eyebrows and a new watch.  well i think it was a new watch as he kept pointing at it and mouthed three words.  Not sure what they sounded like "Shut the truck"... maybe he left his car unlocked.  I wasn't sure but i decided that rather than wait, we will begin this thing right now.

I introduced myself to the children in verse.  I learned long ago that gangster rap was the only way to reach children 6 and under.  I said the following:
"My name is M-Dogg and that is fact,

Even though you're slow, I've always been fast,

I'm the ladies man, from what i've heard,

My mother said that ladies would be lucky to date me cuz my looks are absurd,

I run so fast in my tiger tights,

I run so hard it don't seem right,

I run the marathon and I'm gonna beat Ryan Hall at it,

Because that dude be slow as SH____" 

Suddenly Tim cut me off and said thanks Matt that will do.  I then began a discussion with the kids about my last week's training.  I told them about my treadmill runs, my outdoor runs, my speedwork.  Then i went into every mile split of the week and told them what my thoughts and feelings were at the time.  After forty minutes of this, Tim asked that I tell the children how i found running and how religion is important in my life.  I told the children about running home from Toys'R'Us and then about how whenever other kids would jog in gym class, I would always do sprints because people who jog suck and I don't suck.  I told the kids that God plays a role in my life in that he provided me with gifts and an understanding.  I told them that God created me to inspire others with my speed, and that God created SLOW people to help me along the way by providing me with water, nutritional advice, letting me use their restrooms in their homes on a training run, letting me date their daughters, letting me borrow money from their wallet when they aren't looking to buy shoes, letting me drive my car really fast, and anything else necessary to allow me to win a Gold medal.

By now Tim walked off and he seemed mad.  But it must have been because of something else going on in his life so i did a little Q & A with the children.  Here are some of the questions:

Q:  Mr. Matt, can i be as fast as you one day?

A:  Well Tommy, if that is your name.. oh its not.  Well you will go by Tommy from now on.  Well answer me this, how old are you and what is your mile time?

Tommy:  I am this many (holding up six fingers) and what's a mile time?

A: Well Tommy, a mile time is what people have to determine if you're fast or not.  When i was your age, i was able to hit 4:30 miles easy.  Since you do not know your mile time, you are not fast.  But its ok, your dad was probably not fast either so i am sure there won't be any disappointment.  But don't fret, the world needs people to work the drive thru of Taco Bell.

Tommy:  (began bawling uncontrollably)

Q:  Um, I think i am fast, what type of training should i do.  Oh, I am six years old too..

A:  Well Jimmy.

Billy:  Its Billy.

A:  Anyways Jacky, a good fit six-year old should be able to run 50 miles a week.  What your major runs will consist of will be a long run of at least 15 miles at a clip of 6:10, seven repeat miles at 5:10, and a tempo run where you can at least hit two consecutive 4:50 miles.  That is what i'd prescribe.  You should start next week.  If you are unable to do it, then that would mean you arent' fast and should quit immediately and never take up running again.

Q:  Could you please leave?

A:  But Tim i was just getting started....

And before i could say anything else, these two priests walked me out of the building.  There must have been a time limit or something because I am pretty sure i inspired these children to become the best they can be.  Later that night, as i was passing by SLOW people yelling "TRACK" during a 5-mile run at a 5:55 clip, i couldn't help but feel proud for the job I did in showing the children the light!  Although not one of them will become FAST, or President of the United States, or graduate high school, I know that one of them will eventually end up on my running route, and they will have the distinct honor of getting out of my way when i yell "TRACK".  I guess we all are blessed.  But not everyone is as blessed as me.  Thank you God!



Day Fourteen: Sponsor this

Well its hump day, and as we all know its a pretty good day to get a tan and remove excess from my body.  It was also a sad day, as my one time rival, Alan Webb, failed to break four minutes in race, and thus, has become SLOW.  I will now take it up on myself to become the fastest man on the planet.  I wanna be like Usain Bolt, albeit i refuse to wear the Puma brand, because the pumas are the slowest of all the big cats.  At least that is what my father told me before he sent me to boarding school down the street when i was younger.  Turns out boarding school lasts 24 years because that is how long it took for him to pick me up from it.  Anyways, back to running like material.

After my morning run of 6 miles at a 5:40 clip, which had splits of:
Mile 1: 4:35; Mile 2: 5:00; Mile 3: 5:30; Mile 4: 6:05; Mile 5: 6:10; Mile 6: 6:40

I'm not sure why the clip was on the decline but i imagine its because of alan webb's failure.  His failure hurt my focus, my speed, my inner connection which takes my feet to the streets.  Well afterwards, i went to my favorite running chatroom http://www.letsrun.com/ and started a conversation about how alan webb sucks.  To my surprise a lot of people disagreed with this opinion.  They then revealed that they were SLOW by posting their best times across a variety of race distances.... why do SLOW people feel the need to do that?  Express an opinion in a chat room and then have under their signature "Marathon -  5:10 Topeka, KS; Half marathon PR - 2:45".  First of all, I am not sure who told you those times were respectable because they are not.  Second of all, posting them only hurts your opinion in the chat room.  Of course, the "ADMINS" of the site always try to ban my screen name so i constantly have to change it to "Go Fast Man" or "Fast Dude go" or "Running Fast guy" just so people know that i am a man who runs in a fast manner.

Anyways, prior to doing my evening run, I decided I needed a sponsor if anyone was to take my Olympic run seriously.  So I ended up calling Nike, Saucony, Reebok, Asics, Adidas, and New Balance and no one answered the phone.  So I then visited every store in town which retailed these brands.  I explained to them that I was A) Fast; B) In need of shoes and gear; C) needed money for flights, hotels, and pay-per view movies; D) needed a new iphone (my second one broke on the run this morning, i guess it isn't safe to text and run, but third time will be a charm).  They explained to me that i needed to prove myself in a race.  I then explained to them how hard I train and how as a result of this training my races can hurt sometimes.  I also explained about how weather, type of cement used in constructing the roads, type of paint used to decorate the street, type of water given at water stations, what side of street water is available, left turn/right turn ratio, what degree of left turn it is, and other important factors can turn a sub-13 5K into a 16:25 5k really quick.  I then told them that i run sub-3 minute mile pace all the time and that I am the real deal and when i win the olympic trials, everyone will want to be like me and will buy everything i touch.  Like Midas Oil change....They told me i wasn't good enough.  They explained that there were runners out there who actually weren't affected by these variables i provided..  I said that it was a load of BS and i could run fast whenever i want and they weren't good enough for me.

I was heading back home when i wanted to get some peanut butter.  I stopped at a 7-11 to pick up some peanut butter when i saw my next sponsor.  It was in neon lights and the store looked like it was still open.. i walked in and immediately was treated like a king.  In fact there was no one else in the restaurant, it was as if they cleared everyone out because they knew i was coming over to meet with them.  Well I talked to a guy there and he agreed to give me a full sponsorship.  He said he would buy me shoes, a shirt, some shorts, and all my compression thingys and in exchange i would come in to the place and help out every once in a while.  Like a press conference or something.  He said my main job would be to focus on my running from the dishwasher, and then when i was done there i could discuss it in further detail with the cooks while helping with the dinner shift and then all i had to do would be to pick  up the place and then start again tomorrow.  How awesome!  I now have a sponsor!  I believe this is how sponsorships go.... I gave him my sizes and he said thank you to me. 

So i am very pleased to have this sponsor!  For 40 hours of ambassador work a week, i get to have my running clothes, shoes and some travel expenses covered.  I am not sure why i had to fill out a w-2, but they said it would help with the deal.  Now i gotta figure out which race i wanna do soon to show off my sponsorship.  I am also pondering a q & a session for sometime to answer any SLOW runners questions about how to not suck at running.  

Day Thirteen: T-W-R spells Fail!

I can't believe I am nearing nearly two weeks of solid marathon training.  And not just the walk by the lakeshore type of training that SLOW people do. Only they jogwalk in groups of thirty five on the small lakeshore path and complain when other people use the trail.  The worst part is, when i yell "TRACK" they always scatter like a bunch of pigeons in every which way direction so i end up with a mile split like three seconds slower than my target clip.  Anyways, I fortunately do not have to run the lakeshore path til the summer time when i can just be one with nature in God's perfect running outfit:  Compression Socks, Compression Shorts and my lucky cleveland marathon "Gel Refueling Dispenser Station" which goes around my waste and can hold up to 14 gel packs.

After this morning's run (which was a 5-mile run at a 6:00 clip - RECOVERY SLOW), I decided to pick up an i-Phone so that i could use its functions to better track my mileage and chat with other runners.  I went to the Apple Store in the mall and immediately the sales staff assisted me.  They were very helpful because not only did they make sure I bought my i-phone for $700 but they made sure I protected my investment with a $500/year insurance plan to cover damages to it, should they occur (excluding water, cracks, battery usage, overtexting, and any act of God).  The sales person was also nice enough to make sure that i took care of my phone with three leather carrying cases which clip on my pants at $50/each (she said it would make me more attractive), two extra car chargers at $30/each (in case i lose one, i'll have a back-up), three home chargers (one for the bedroom, one for the tv room, and one for the bathroom) and then a second i-phone for $700, should my first iphone break and i need to use one while i wait for the insurance plan to replace it.  All in all, i think i got a sweet deal and am very excited to try the i-phone whilst running.

Well the other day when i was at the gym, i saw this very beautiful girl on the treadmill.  I totally analyzed her form and then gave her my analysis and some reccomendations on improvement when she finished.  She may have been out of breath but the way her eyes raised, I could tell she really appreciated it.  Now she only ran at 9.0 MPH for 30 minutes, but give her some time to work on being NOT SLOW and she would be very dateable.  Now I walked her down to the women's locker room because i am a gentlemen.  She must have been trying to race me there because she would speed up whenever i walked by her side.    Well she finally got in the locker room, and she had dropped her ID card.  Now I couldn't walk in there so i decided to wait until she got out.  After fifteen minutes, she returned and must have been surprised to see me as she jumped about five feet back.  She asked 'have you been standing there this whole time?" and it seemed as if she were reaching her hand back to pull out something from a holster on her side.  When i told her she dropped her card and handed it to her, she replied "How sweet?" and I said "No problem Andrea".  She was stunned and asked how i knew her name, and then i told her the card and she sighed... Then ran in a dead sprint towards the exit.  After she had left, i decided that she not only would need more of my guidance due to me being super fast but also would probably love for a FAST person to call her.  Especially a future gold medal olympian... So i went into the gym's membership database and got her phone number and home address.

Well fast forward to earlier tonight.  I programmed her number into my i-phone and set my garmin watch.  The goal tonight was to run outside for 6 miles at a steady 5:20 clip and text her advice whilst doing this which would make me the fastest texter of the southwest sector of Roselle, IL.  So I began the run and turned onto the main street and began texting...."Hello, how are yo.........." I was about to finish the text when i heard honking and then ending up jumping over the hood of a car.  What the hell!  Its bad enough that the weather conditions are harsh but what is this JERK doing driving all over my training grounds.  I was wearing my USA Olympic jacket i bought off ebay so people would know that an olympian is training in process and don't disturb him.  I got back to the run and looked at the watch and saw that i was at a 5:55 clip (thanks to the stupid car).  So i picked up the pace and saw a text from my future wife.  It read "???? Who the F is this???"  Hahahahaha!  I can't believe it, not only is she gorgeous but she has a sense of humor.  So i began texting "This is M-A-T......" when all of a sudden my footing felt funny and i looked up.  I couldn't avoid it!  I ran right into the front window of the general store on Main Street.  Luckily there was a stuffed bear in the window to break my fall.  But seriously, what JERKS!  Don't they think to place their store in an area more conducive to olympic marathon training.  You know what?  I plan on boycotting their products... and writing a letter to the Gazette in hopes that it will spread the news about how they try injuring runners.  Anyways, i brushed the glass off of my jacket, which had a growing red stain beginning to form on the shoulder..  Maybe its the colors of the flag running because the ink was such high quality?  Anyways, i moved on.  I got about another mile in and was soon at 3 miles going a 6:05 clip (Thanks to JERKS).  So I finished the text "This is Matt from the gym, the guy who anal......." When all of a sudden i ran into a snow bank, managed to do a back flip in the air and land face first on the front windshield of a car.  The worst of it was my i-phone landed on the street and shattered.  My shoulder kind of hurt but i knew the important thing to do was continue running and hit my target clip.  I started running away when i heard yelling in the distance.  it was the driver of the car that stopped my fall.  He must have been cheering me on.  Thank goodness for people like him because without his car, i would have fallen right onto the street and hurt myself.

I finally finished the run in 32:02 which is too slow to even age grade!  My shoulder was in pain and the red ink kept leaking and spreading all over the jacket.  Thank GOD I bought the second i-phone!  Anyways, i think it might be best to save my texting for when i am doing my deep thigh stretches as it Roselle was clearly not built for running and texting. 

Day Twelve: Can two tens buy a story?

Probably my sixteenth most favourite time of the year would have to be the day after the Super Bowl is played.  I guess there was some kind of football match on last night, not sure who was playing, but i heard it went all the way to the fourth inning.  As i said before, i went to my friend Jeff's Super Bowl party from 5:15 PM until 5:45 PM.  Although it was nice to see good friends, the hosts didn't even have gel packs to offer the FAST guests.  I'm not trying to be rude, but they knew i was coming in advance, as i indicated on facebook that i would be coming exactly thirty seconds after its publishing.  And everyone there was drinking this "beer" stuff which made them louder the more they consumed.  Some people must have been thirsty as they would cut a "hole" into the beer and drink it really fast.  Although some of the beers seemed to have gone bad because others would threw up after drinking them this way.   The toughest part about last night was limiting my discussion of how my training is going to my friends to 30 minutes.  As soon as i got there, i told them what my mile paces have been for every run of the week and how i rated my performance on each day.  Some people were rude asking me to stop because they were trying to watch television.  What SLOW idiots.  They clearly don't know a good story when they hear one.  I guess that's why they watch television.  Idiots.

Anyways, I did my morning run and for some reason there weren't a lot of cars on the road at 4:45 AM.  And it must have been icy because the ones that were sure swerved a lot.  One drove into a snow bank.  Must have been driving a while because when i ran by, he was taking a nap.  Must have been a really SLOW person trying to recover from a short 9 mile run.  Anyways, The goal for the day was to run two ten mile runs.  Hit this run at about a 58:33 which is ok for a monday morning.  I didn't really feel like age grading it as i knew it would be disappointing.  Didn't even feel like calling the ole coach either because we haven't talked in a while.  I just hope the evening run would go better.

Later tonight, I was scheduled to run with this running guy named Matt Odin.  A weird name indeed, as i think his surname was Norwegian for chocolate pudding.  Anyways, he is kind of slow but he does try with these cute 110 mile weeks.  I told him that i used to run 110 mile weeks, and then i turned 14.  he didn't find this as funny as i did.  Anyways, we hit the first mile at a 4:45 clip.  We tried to converse during this warm-up but the winds were blowing in an easterly direction and we started off heading southwest which as you know causes the air to affect your lungs in a manner in which your breathing falls out of whack.  Well, HE decided that we should be SLOW and we hit the second mile at a 5:10 clip.  WTF!  I immediately told him that I was training for the olympics and not the Park Ridge Charity Classic.  He told me that we were going pretty fast.  I said that this was probably the slowest mile i have ever run in my life.  I decided to leave him.  So i sprinted and hit the next mile at 4:59.  Those winds must have gotten to me because the breathing fell out of whack again and also my legs began hurting.  I think it was the way i sat at work today.  Sometimes when you don't sit indian style in a desk chair, your legs will do funky things.  well i thought i lost him, when during the fourth mile this kid comes running back to me.  We hit mile four at 5:20, SLOW, DOH!  Well clearly this run isn't going anywhere.  So we get to talking and i ask him how his training is going.  He said something about a run, when i got lost in my thoughts thinking about the olympics.  I hate it when people actually answer the question.  The point of me asking you how your running is going is so you can ask me the question back and then i can tell you how its going.  Well i began to tell him mile-by-mile how my recovery run went and about how awesome my boston jacket was and how i felt during the first mile of this run.  I told him about my diet and about some races i was planning on doing... He started to go on about Boston but i cut him off because i wasn't done talking yet.  We hit mile 9 and i noticed we were at a 5:33 clip.  How the "F" did we keep losing time?  it is totally his fault.  Anways, i started talking about my wednesday run when i noticed he ran across the street from me.  So i quickly caught back up to him and told him more about key runs for this upcoming week.  HE sprinted really quick and then turned a sharp left which was not our planned course.  So i caught up to him and then told him the target mile-by-mile splits for my upcoming marathon.

Finally we get back to our cars, but not without this little game of cat and mouse, where he kept moving to different sides of the street.  Turned out we ran more, we hit 13 miles in 1:13 which is ok, as i think it age grades at an 81%.  But he seemed out of breath as he was hunched over and seemingly in a hurry looking for his keys.  So i figured it would be a good time to relive one of my ole college races with him.  I began telling him about this one 8k i ran when he got into his car and began to drive.  Well i knew he would love the end of my story so i followed him home and then told him as he walked to his apartment.  We walked to his door and i was right about to get to how i was feeling at mile three when he shut the door on me.  I then decided to talk to him through the door.  I don't know what he said through the door but it was loud..i think he was looking for mile splits so i gave them to him.  It was finally 8:45 PM and after three hours i was done with the story and headed home.  After all i gotta get some sleep.  can't be entertaining people all night.  On my way out, a few police officers parked a car and headed to my friend's building.  I wonder what's going on there.  Well i didn't have time to stay so i just went home.

Overall it was a good day and i was very happy i could keep my friends entertained with my great running stories.

Day Eleven: The Super Bowl Run-Day (its a pun, get it?)

I woke up this morning and felt different.  I kind of felt like the champion that i am training to become.  The first thing i did was use the bathroom to relieve myself of the 12-gallons of water i drank the night before in an effort to keep hydrated for today's runs.  I knew today was different, because aside from the normal burning sensation, I truly felt like it was excellence streaming out of my body.  when you train like i do, it is always best to hydrate well.  A good rule of thumb for beginners is that while you can never over-hydrate, beware of under-hydrating.

I went out for my morning run and noticed there was a sprinkle of snow on the ground.  The plan for the AM was just a 5-mile run with a 5X4X3X2X1.  What this run entails, is 15-minutes of sub-5 minute pace wedged into a non-effort clip of 5:57.  This is the exercise that Geb did exactly 92 days before he ran the 5k which preceded the half marathon which preceded the marathon that he ran before he ran the 2:03 marathon.  By my calculations, the successful implementation of this run will get me exactly 2% closer to my goal of winning the olympic trials.  Ultimately, my goal is to break 2:00 in the marathon, but even ben roethlisberger had to start somewhere.  Before he was making love to girls in bathroom stalls at night clubs, i am sure he had dry runs in bathroom stalls inside of burger kings in urban environments.

Well the run started out fantastic, I hit the first mile at 5:57 exactly.  Then like fireworks in the katy perry song i went boom at a 4:45 pace for 5:00 minutes exactly.  All of a sudden i hit an unpaved side street and noticed that my footing was slipping..  I skidded into a parked car and made the alarm go off.  I think i cracked the mirror and scratched the paintjob, but thankfully i was ok.  Who knew that when you run on snow, you cannot get the proper footing.  I got up and ran another mile at a 6:15 clip but it was too late.  I decided that the best way to take care of this would be to deduct 2:00 per mile to account for the snow, the hills, and the headwinds so i could get a better idea of what pace i was actually running.  I ran the next four minutes at a 4:55 pace, or after my calculations, 2:55 mile pace.  Wow!  I knew i was fast but i never knew i was this fast!  Amazing.   I plan on submitting these times to the US Olympic committee so they can give me money, awards and celebrity.  The next mile flew by at an easy clip of around 5:55 (or 3:55) and then i totally nailed my 3,2 & 1 at clips of 2:55, 2:54, & 2:52, respectively. Man, i am such a genious and soo fast too.  I can't wait to show these speeds off at the track when the snow clears.  overall, i finished the five and was ready to shower and go to a super bowl party.

The plan is to go to the super bowl party for the first quarter.  I will then head home to go to sleep so i can hit some good runs tomorrow morning.  Today is a success.  But tomorrow will be better.  I plan on using doing some McMillan type training....

Day Ten: The Boston Jacket

This was one of the first saturdays in a while where i actually felt a preference to use the treadmill for a 16-mile run in lieu or running outside.  I noticed last night that after I would hit a 4:30 pace for 300 metre sprints, an upper respiratory infection of some sort would augment my breathing causing me to take deeper breaths more rapidly.  I did 20 of these puppies and came to the conclusion that something was up so when i felt a lil out of it this morning, i knew the treadmill was the solution.

When i was getting dressed for the gym, i put on the usual garb: compression shorts, compression socks, compression vest, compression hat, compression arm sleeves, compression gloves.. but then i came across something i have not seen in at least 2 business days.  My 2010 boston marathon jacket.  Now while i truly believe that they should increase the qualifying standards for boston to a 2:15:00 across the board, men & women.  I still hold pride when i wear this jacket.

I arrived at the gym, when i noticed the workers looking at me.  I went over and began a conversation to the extent of " Do you like my jacket?" to which the 20-year old vixen replied "Huh?  Do i know you?".  Ha!  This lil lady was playing coy, she wanted to know more about it.  I felt it in my veins.  So i began telling her how awesome of a marathoner that i am and gave a mile-by-mile analysis of my last Boston Marathon, which was a disaster, as i barely limped across the line in 2:49:16 due to upper respiratory infections, insufficient tapering, sleep deprivation, the use of tap water employed at water stations in lieu of spring water, to name a few..  After 45-minutes, she had quite a quizzical look upon  her and kept looking at the clock and over at one of her co-workers.  I think her eyes rolled a little bit which indicated that she thought i was dreamy.  Well anyways, i told her that maybe one day if she were to remove her SLOWNESS disease, she could have a Boston jacket and then we could marry.  But until then, i will not be able to converse with her any longer.  Upon saying this a smile came about her face and i think she said a prayer because she gave the sign of the cross.  I think this means she is praying that she will be able to train sufficiently enough to get faster and be able to date me.

Anyways, i walked in the lockerroom and saw three naked old dudes talking about the war or something.  I interrupted them and asked them if they liked my jacket.  I told them that it was my BOSTON jacket and that it made me someone they should worship.  They looked confused, so i provided them the background story surrounding my training leading up to it as well as a mile-by-mile analysis.  After an hour of talking, i feel they respected me better.  One of them said that i reminded them of a grandson they would like to have.. die before them.  what an honor!  This man wants for me to be his grandson.  I then asked him his mile times.  He said he didn't know, he wasn't aware he had to have mile times.  I said that he was too slow to be my grandfather then.  I said that until he age grades at 95% or better, then we probably shouldn't talk anymore.

I finished loading stuff in my locker and then headed to my treadmill.  I chose my favorite treadmill and found that girl who liked me from a few days ago was on the adjacent 'mill.  I took off my jacket and laid it over the arm bar of her treadmill.  I started my 16-mile run at a 5:52 clip (warm-ups) when i felt a tap on my shoulder.  it was the girl who wanted me.  Before she could say anything, i looked at her treadmill and noticed she was running at 8.0 MPH.  Albeit slow, i think she could really improve if she kept it up and finally be worthy of dating me.  I asked her what was going on?  I told her how much i missed seeing her?  She looked confused and then asked me what the f$&% my jacket was doing on her treadmill.  She must have had problems communicatng because i think what she meant was "What is this beautiful jacket?  How did you earn it?"  So i went on for an hour and fifteen minutes about training for boston, running in boston, what went wrong in boston, the suicide attempts for not breaking 2 hours at boston, my psychiatrist, my nutrition.  When i was finished, she said "Wow, you actually spoke for over an hour without asking me one thing.  you must be taken."  To which i replied "no, no i am not."  She then said "How surprising.  Well anyways, my name is Kate and if you ever fucking talk to me again i will use my Tae Bo to fucking kick the living shit out of you.  You are a horrible human being.  I hope you get hurt and learn what its like to not run."  She then walked away.  Wow!  What i took from this was that she wanted to know if i was single and that she does tae bo and her name was kate.  I think a little love is in the air.  Obviously, this kate wants me and would kill to have me in her life.  Well, if she really improves her times and can let me review her athlinks.com account, then i think there is a slight possibility that we could date.

I got off the treadmill and noticed that i ran 16 miles in 1:33:32 which is around a 5:51 clip.  Although this was not a challenging run, i just felt like getting some slow miles in.  It did age-grade at a 78% so this was maybe a step up from a recovery run.  But overall, today was a good day.  I got to show people what it meant to be a champion and what it takes to wear a boston jacket.  I also think i may have found someone who may be worthy to date me in three months when her 5k times are down.  Love is in the air!