This morning I decided to do a fartlek run for 7 miles with the goal of average 4:45. I think "fartlek" means "to run as fast as a fart" in swedish. SO i made sure to eat a lot of bananas and eggs prior to my run so that I'd be SUPER fast.
I stepped out the door and immediately hit my stride... My first mile was probably at a 4:40 clip although my watch revealed it at 4:48. it was probably due to the heat wave we've been having in the chicago area. Sometimes things like weather can affect the satellites which relay the GPS signal to your watch thereby resulting in a reported time much slower than that which you actually ran. I was halfway through mile 2 when my stomach started hurting a bit. It wasn't an immediate need to fart at that moment, but i knew that one was in the making. So i decided that this was the time to implement a two minute sprint. I moved very very quickly and boom! I hit my second mile and was at a 5:00 clip.... Now my stomach began hurting a little more, but i figure it must be the weather and i chose to ignore it. I tried to release the gas from my body, but it just wouldn't work. Boom, i hit mile three and i am back down to a 4:59 clip. Now my stomach was really hurting, so i decided the best thing to do was run it out of me. So i decided to sprint as hard as i could and focus on releasing the "negative energy" stored in my body.... Well i made it 200 yards when splat! I accidentally "sharted". Now i don't know if any of you have ever done this before but i was in a pit of disgust and angst... I tried to run but it was a bit much with what just happened... I was running by a group of SLOW people when before i could yell "TRACK" i heard one of them ask what that awful smell was and then they started puking in the snow as i passed by. The next two miles were probably the hardest i ever had to endure....
How could this be? IS this what Swedish people do when they fartlek? Other than the fact that it helps you lose some unwanted pounds, this was not a very pleasant type of run! I was rounding the street on the way back to my apartment when i just felt squishy in my tights. Yuck! OMG! Then i decided to look at my watch. 7 miles in 37:16... WTF! Now that made me even madder than the "accident" during the run. How could i not hit my pace?
Well anyways, i immediately took off the dirty running clothes before i entered my apartment and set them afire in the parking lot. I was about to walk into my apartment when my neighbor opened the door to go to work. I ducked and tried to cover my naughty bits as they walked down the stairs, well nearly tripped, trying not to look at me. I then realized that i had my keys in my tights which were ablazing... So i yelled "TRACK" and tried to fly past my neighbor when the door swung hard into my face. WHACK!
I woke up an hour later with a blanket and a note that read "Please get help". I looked in the lot and saw the pile of ashes which used to be my "crappy" old running clothes. I sifted through the remains when i found some type of metal object which i believed resembled my key. I got into my apartment with great success and showered and cleaned myself up for work. This time included a solid two hour bath in rubbing alcohol to cleanse myself.
I finally got to work around 11:30 AM and was only 4 hours late. not a big deal at all.. I called my mom and she said it wasn't a big deal either and that the workplace was very lucky to have such a talent like myself working there. well my boss didn't think so. He asked me to come into his office... He asked me why i was late. I began by telling him about my run and the mile splits i hit (minus the accident) and how i somehow had a door slammed in my face. He said that my fiction rivaled that of a script written for the Myley Cyrus show and that he was sick of it. He finally said that I was fired. I told him that I quit. I then asked if i still got paid. He said no.
Well I was planning on this for a while but i am finally free to train. Now work isn't holding me back anymore, but now I'll need to trust in my running more than ever to make money. Maybe i can sell my running to people on the street? How much would i charge? How many clients could i find in a day? I guess i'll have to find these answers out in the future but in the mean time, i have a run i gotta do with Iron Mark.
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