I started off pretty well, although i felt my stomach gurgle a little bit, but i figured this is what would happen. its like bringing a picnic basket to the park, its all heavy when you take it out of your 1986 volvo station wagon, and then you gotta tell your date that your other newer car is in the shop,a nd then bring that heavy picnic basket to an area where there are very few people and where visibility is at its least, and then tell your date to try all of the foods in the picnic basket while you just sip on water and wait... err.. I mean, my body is like a picnic basket as its heavy at first and then gets lighter as the food is processed.
The first mile was slow at a clip of 4:55, but i figured with all of this food, that would be how it is. Right when i made a right turn for the second straightaway, that is when i felt the first stomach ache. Now normally during a run, this is where you burp or fart or something to clear the line... But since that was not an option, my body kind of did a reverse fart which not only created an even bigger stomach ache, but i could feel it heading north on the body by jake parkway... Ugh! Well i fought and fought and made mile two at a clip of 5:20. Only eight more to go they say. I then proceeded to make my right turn on to Evergreen Street, which happens to be my favorite street based on the number of red cars which park on the street. I feel i run faster when there are red cars, don't know why, but my average age grade is typically 1.15% higher. Now, i rounded mile three and i knew there was a problem. You see, my stomach felt heavier and heavier and soon i felt the need to turn around... quickly.... ahhhhh! So i did a little turnaround and was going down the street at a substantially rapid pace. Now as the pace picked up, i felt that the food in my stomach was moving just as fast... I looked at the average clip at mile four and we were at 5:15 which means i hit a 4:59 for that mile. I kept moving and kept moving... Soon it was as if the Greeks delivered the Trojan horse and were trying to break down my city walls, which were protected by duct tape at this moment... A mile and a half i kept telling myself...
Now i was running and i kneew this was a time bomb. I kept picking up the pace as i didn't want this thing to go off. I saw an oncoming car approaching me from the opposite lane and they turned on the left blinkers.. Ok, i am 200 yards away, there are no other cars around.. make the turn. NOPE! The person kept looking at me as if i were moving 100 mph.. I motioned my arm for them to turn, but they just sat there. Finally i am about to reach the intersection and they moved one inch forward, whcih caused me to stop... I moved an inch forward, then i stopped because i saw she started moving... "Move your f%&&%ing car, i am trying to run" "TRACK" "GO" are phrases which i yelled at her as she just stared blanklessly apparently in fear that i was going to run into her car and hurt myself. We were at a deadhalt for about 20 seconds when i started to move again, when all of a sudden she moved... UGH! I stopped and yelled "JUST GO ALREADY" to which she waved for me to cross.... I then proceeded to wave for her to cross. For a period of five minutes, we were waving for each other to either turn a car or cross a street. There were cars lined up behind me and cars lined up behind her, honking, waiting, wondering just what the hell was going off. It looks like we have ourselves a Classic Texan Standoff. So i sprinted forward for five yards further (only two yards to go) when her car turned as well and nearly hit me. I jumped up in the air like Wilt chamberlain at an orgy and was able to jump over the front bumper of her car. What i didn't realize was that this athletic manuever, this leap of faith, this masterful example of human perfection was the straw which would break the levy...Like Justin bieber would say "Baby, Baby, Baby NOOOOO!!!".. I will remember what happened next for the rest of my life in slow motion... As i landed this manuever, i absorbed the impact with my legs and bent down on my knees just a little bit. At the same time, the tape broke off and there was an "Exorcist" like emission of energy drink, gel, banana, and everything else moving out.... which propelled me in the air again... This time i flew about seven feet up in the air and was not as agile with landing my fall... which was right on the hood of the lady's car... Splat! It was a giant mess. by this time, people were walking out of their cars and just standing in awe trying to determine what just happened here... I looked at the ground and there was just a pile of well, energy drink mix, we'll call it which was kind of shaped like the Voltron symbol from the 1980s..... Now, i no longer had a stomach ache so i decided to continue running.. I finally got home and burned all remaining evidence which i was wearing that day.
After a nice cold bath of rubbing alcohol and hydrogen peroxide, i put on the Lady Gaga "Fame Monster" CD to relax. What a long day. I plugged in my garmin and it did reveal some of the best paces for the first five miles of that run that i have hit in two weeks. Overall, my five miles were at 25:59.. Mile six included an hour of a Texas Standoff so i disincluded it from the list. SO while my diet proved to make me a little faster for this marathon tempo paced run, it was not worth all of the baggage... Project Fail. At least tonight i know to go untaped....
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