So i decided to kick that pussy Matt off this blog because no one wants to hear about some SLOW ass douchebag running in circles around ice rinks at SLOW-ASS 6 minute paces. I mean, if i really wanted to read about that, i would walk into an abortion clinic and have them cut off my scrotum and feed it to me and then after i processed it through my butt, i would go to a plastic surgeon and have him surgically stitch my scrotum back in place. Anyways, your favorite future Olympic marathonner is back and this time i got some beef with every f***ing pussy slow runner who has tried to take my roost in my absence.
As you were aware, i suffered a concussion and was hospitalized a few years back and gained 50 pounds. I tried to come back and return to form but it just didn't happen for me as quickly as i had wanted it too. So rather than blow your mind with beautiful anecdotes about me attempting to run, i decided to let the doucherino blog a bit. I mean, he seemed alright and kind of funny at first, but now he is just a SLOW WHINY BITCH. I can't fucking take it anymore and then he fucking writes the same poem from the movie "The Grey"! Are you FUCKING SERIOUS? That is like Ryan Hall going out to a race and claiming he is going to win. It just doesn't fucking happen. I am over that pussy. I let him win the Olympic Trials or whatever... and then what does he do? He backs out of the race. Sad. Its really sad. We have like zero sub-2:00 marathonners here in The America of United Estados or something. Are we a generation of pussies? I mean, Pre could run like 60 sub-2:00 marathons in a matter of two months. He could run a 2:15:00 marathon as a recovery run. And now you have all of these articles in Running Times or SLOWRUNNERS WORLD about guys who can barely jock off a 5:00 mile pace for 20-miles. Well, fuck it. I'm back. The king of running has returned and i will have my veangance!
So today is the first day of training. I ran an easy 20-miler at a 4:45/clip which consisted of a two minute warm-up, 30x100 metre striders followed by 1x3:00 hard; 1x5:00 hard; 1x60:hard. Repeat. That is how men do fartleks. Who the hell came up with 1:00 hard/1:00 easy. Who needs easy? If i wanted to run easy, i would just pace Ryan Hall. Hell to the no. You think the Kenyans run easy? Do you think the Ethiopians run easy? No. They don't! And neither should you.
So it feels good to have 20-miles on the week. I have been training a bit beforehand, but i should get going again soon. Tomorrow i feel will be a good time to explain to my boss that i will not be working at Burger King anymore. Hell no, my friends. I am going back to running full time and i will blog about it. You can use my training as your lessons on how to run. I will also take questions.
Lesson of the Day: When you go on a long run. Try not to drink any liquid at least 24-hours before hand. Weather doesn't matter. The goal is to train your body to create its own fuel. How do you think Galen Rupp got so mediocre? So for you SLOW people out there, don't drink fluids. Seriously. You're probably FAT as a result of your being so SLOW so you could use the weight loss. Water weight is bad. You don't want to look like Zach Galifinakis in a swimsuit. I mean shit! Its bad enough that you can't even break 4:00 for the mile, hold off the water there hoss!
Ok. I am about to eat a champion's dinner: One slice of wheat toast with a Burger King ketchup packet.
Shit... that reminds me. I need to get a sponsor again. And i need to get a coach. I guess I got some work ahead of me.
I am inspired by your story. Your humility is a model to us.
ReplyDeleteYou are almost as impressive as an Aussie Clydesdmaid friend of mine.
Michael 'Musafa' Cauley.