The day started off like usual... Did a 22-mile recovery run. I tried to keep it at a Z3/Z5/90%AG but for some reason my pace declined after each mile passed. I noticed a lack of energy and for some reason the wind must have been really strong and entering my lungs because i found my self breathing harder and out of breath. I was only able to get the 22 miles run in 2:20:05 which is probably the crappiest run that anyone could ever go on. I should probably kill myself, but i think i won't. I know i will have greater days to look forward to.
After my run and after I ate two halfies, which are partially filled gel packs i found on the ground after the Chicago Marathon, I started to feel better. I actually have a freezer filled with 1,000 halfies. They make for great meals, especially after recovery runs. Some taste like dirt but what are you going to do? God gave us this green Earth and it is up to us to use it.
I then went to the local running store, Cock Ponds, which is right down the street and asked about their local running club. They referred me to a guy named Dayne Caifers who engaged in a brief discussion with me. He told me about how the team was about being friends and achieving goals together and everyone being selfless and for each other and other crap like that. I told him that I could give a flying flip about that as there was probably no one as fast as me in the club to train with and that the 2 friends i currently have are good enough. I then asked him if the club sponsored elite runners like myself and was able to provide the following:
1) Free race entries
2) Training Run Support from SLOWer runners
a. Water stations set up whenever and wherever i run
b. Multiple stop watch managers at every track workout
c. Towel people to dry me off mid-run
d. Massage artists to make sure i have no cramps
e. Hookers who will have sex with me for free
3) Free running shoes, at least 19 pairs per year
4) Free running gear for life.
5) Access to a limo, private jet, and speedboat to take me to and from races, training runs, and other endeavors which i may engage into.
6) Access to a 40,000 SF mansion for me to reside in and keep refreshed between performances.
I couldn't even get through all of my little requests before he interrupted me. He told me about another running group and said they would be more interested. He then told me to go away. How dare he? Does he know who i am? I don't need this... so i told him to get out of my face and to go away and I left the store.
Processing my thoughts, i decided that I would form my own super team of people who are slower than me but could provide me with company during my recovery runs as well as provide me with the services listed above. Now, i can't have people who are TOO SLOW as those people suck and will probably just hold me back so i need to establish time standards... Maybe people who can at least run under 5:00/mile for a 5k. Lets be honest, this will probably open the club up to 1,000,000,000 people plus the entire country of China. Seriously, if you can't run a 15:29 in the 5k then there is something wrong with you. You probably should quit running, change your name to Ian Suckington and move to a fucking bed and breakfast in the state of Ohio where you will spend the rest of your sad and pathetic life catering to 60 year old douche bags and divorcees.
Once i obtain those members, i figure i will charge them a $1,000 membership fee. I keep 100% of the proceeds from the first 100 people who join. But, here is the thing, once they get 10 additional members to join beyond the first 100, those members can keep 10% of the membership fee from the new members they brought in. Then if those new new members bring in 10 additional people beyond the 100 who came in before them, then they can keep 10% of the membership fee from anyone beyond that. Its like i am a genius for figuring out this complex financial infrastructure. And i am a generous guy for allowing other members of this running club to get rich.
Well, i am about to go for an 8-mile fartlek/tempo/z591.5%AG run. But if you are interested in more details about the club, here they are:
The Super Fast Elite Running Team of Chicago (TSFERTC)
Calling all sub-sub-elites
in the greater Chicagoland area. We are
seeking to form a Racing Team to compete against other racing teams in the
area. We hope to have a sponsor soon who
will provide an unlimited supply of shoes and training gear as well as cash
stipends for travel, meals & entertainment costs. We are working with area race directors about
free race entries, individual porta-potties, and personal nutrition station set
up on race courses. If you feel you are
interested in being a part of this team, please send an e-mail to: SuperFastEliteChicagoRunningTeam@yahoo.com
Lets face it, the
running world benefits by the presence of sub-sub-elite runners. We have earned our confidence and the right
to bestow it upon any other runners we come across. We
deserve to gain free entry into all races we choose to participate in because
our quickness inspires slower, inexperienced runners who don’t work as hard as us
which is evidenced by their slower times.
Time Qualifications / Performance Qualifications:
1.
5K: 15:29; 8K: 25:09; 10K: 33:18; Half: 1:11:37; Marathon:
2:32:00
2.
Finished
first in at least 4 local races for at least 3 consecutive years.
3.
Finished
top 20 in the largest world-class super regional local races such as Shamrock
Shuffle, Soldier Field 10 mile, or Chicago Half Marathon.
4.
Commitment
to meet and train at any time.
Training Qualifications:
1. Must be physically and mentally superior to
other runners.
2. Must be able to put in at least 80 miles to
140 miles per week while maintaining your full time job.
3. Must have the courage to turn down slower
runners as training partners. Even our
recovery paces have to be done at a certain speed. We don’t need dead weight.
4. Must be willing to race in at least 25 races
for 2014. As a team, we must remain
committed to have the same training and racing schedule.
5. Be willing to market and advertise our
membership. The only way we can continue
to attract faster, better runners and gain their friendship is to pay them and
provide them with free shoes and gear.
6. Willing to do whatever it takes to fulfill
every need of the team President as he trains and prepares for the 2016 Olympic
games in the events of: Marathon, 1500m
dash.
Marketing/Data Sharing Characteristics:
1.
All members are required to
review the Letsrun.com message boards for a minimum of 3 hours per day, and be
able to contribute post volumes of at least 5 replies per day.
2.
All team members are required to
post their mileage on Athleticore for everybody else to admire. It is proper etiquette to always round up
your training mileage and round down training times.
3.
All team members must post
details of every completed run on multiple social media sites – Facebook and
Twitter are required. Extra consideration will be given for those teammates
posting pictures of racing flats/running watches with splits on Instagram.
Other Characteristics/Qualifications:
·
Must be a
former college runner. You have
years of wisdom and experience on your legs.
You know what it takes to be at least the 12th best on your
team. You have faced the pressures that
come along with volunteering as a member of a local community college or
division III team that does not cut members.
After 5-years at your local, non-descript liberal arts school and
through hard work and effort, you were able to shave 2 precious seconds off of
your best high school mile time. We do not want any non-collegiate runner
because they are not as committed or as dedicated to the sport of running.
·
Willingness
and courage to provide a realistic opinion about the state of American distance
running anonymously on various online forums.
Also, since you ran in college, you have the right to use the collective
“we” when comparing yourself to professional, elite runners. After all, the only difference between you
and them is the pay check. Lets face it, if you haven’t broken 75 in
the half marathon, you probably have no idea how to run and do not know the
state of running itself nor have the ability to determine what is good for
distance running. Who else will
anonymously post that any runner who can’t break 3:40 in the 1500 should either
retire from the sport or kill themselves?
Who else has the bravery to anonymously tell Ryan Hall how to train and
that a 2:06 marathon is not very impressive nor is a wind-aided 2:04? Who else
can cite the fact that as long as there are at least 3 Ethiopian or Kenyan
runners who are faster, then the state of American Distance running sucks?
Who can explain that everyone who is trying to compete sucks and always
will for as long as there are at least 3 individuals in the world who are
faster? Why can we express these
opinions freely and anonymously? Because
the only difference between us and these sucky professionals is that we don’t have the time to train like
them. Just because we have never run
those times ever and have no idea about other circumstances surrounding their
individual training situations, doesn’t mean that we can’t offer our
opinions. Positivity is for the slower
runners. Professional runners need our
input as it will inspire them to run faster.
·
Willingness
to use your ego and confidence to inspire slower runners. In
college, the best runners treated us like dirt because they earned that
right. In the current state of road
racing, we have earned that right to treat slower, neophyte hobbyjoggers like
garbage due to the time and effort we put in.
Lets face it, if you are not running as fast as we are, then it
definitely means that you are not working as hard. We owe it to the sport to always let slower
runners know their place and that if they don’t achieve certain times, then
they will always remain a hobby jogger who is not good at running and should
probably quit. Whenever we have a bad
race, we should let slower runners know about it and reinforce the idea that
time does matter. They, in turn, will be
inspired by this message, because lets face it, the fact that we ran in college
and because of the sub-sub-elite times we run means that they worship the
ground we walk on. Its called paying it
forward and that is what this team will be all about.
·
Demonstrate a willingness to pace SLOW runners. Sometimes,
we have to set our egos aside and show these inexperienced hobbyjoggers how to
properly run a race. Do not fret about
what others think about seeing you with these SLOWer runners. You will be provided ample opportunity to
defend your running integrity at any time because whenever you come across any
random bystander you can inform them that this is a slow pace for you and that
you normally run much faster than this. Another great technique is to
make dramatic and unnatural movements and engage your slower pace with a full
discussion about various political topics during their race. After pacing
the slower runner for a few miles, it is often customary to drop out of the
race, thank them for being your cooldown partner, and letting them know that
you have to leave early because you have a second run to do hours later.
·
Demonstrate
a willingness to commit to the workout and its thresholds. For
example, this might be happen if you ever train with slower runners who don’t
understand the significant impact it will have on training if you extend any
rest period by even a fraction of a second during interval training. These slower runners will thank you for
shortening their rest as it will make the workout tougher and in turn allow
them to become faster runners.
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