Well, i have had the best couple weeks of training. I was able to get in 175 miles in the last 14-days at an average clip of 6:10 which includes some recovery runs. While doing it, i was also able to shed about 25 pounds.. To date, i am only 15 pounds over my racing weight which is good because i am hoping to go sub-racing weight by this year's Boston Marathon and for sure by the 2015 Summer Olympics which my friend Iron Mark told me were being hosted in Afghanistan. He also mentioned that i should make sure to book my flight and hotels because they usually sell out three years in advance. So in addition to my running goals, i now have the goal of raising $4,500 to book the trip (which i am pretty sure i will receive back thirty-fold in endorsements and prize money for breaking 2:00:00 in the Olympic Marathon finals). The only trick is to figure out how to raise this money. I am too talented to waste 8 hours of my day at a job to make money, surely there is some type of way in which an ELITE FAST ATHLETE can make cash fast. While I plan on phoning Obama about this one, the second best thing i figure i can do is daily visits to the sperm donation bank. After all, who wouldn't want their children to be as beautiful and as fast and as dashing and as modest and good at heart as myself. I am the dream!
Today starts a new week. Yes, i am aware that others like to go Monday through Sunday or Sunday through Saturday for their 7-day running weeks, but i would like to refer to those people as SLOW in this business. Real men start on a Thursday and end it on a Wednesday and in doing so cram in around 200 miles. While i am still 8 weeks away from my first 200-mile week, i have scheduled only a pedestrian 125-miles for this week which is in line with the 50% rule. As a conservative measure, one should never increase one's weekly mileage by more than 50% from the previous week... Lest one is super fast and awesome like myself and has olympic sperm and blood running through one's body. Yet, i will stay a little cautious this week, i don't want to risk my fat ass getting injured. As embarrassing as it is being 6'2" and 170 pounds (FAT), it could be worse and i could be back in that hospital.
Today's run was a 20 X 1GRRR with 20m KI plus 40m KO followed by 6 X 400s at 95% AG then finally finished with a 6m RECO @ 5:54. In laymen's terms, the workout is going to start off with 20 by 1-mile repetitions at Greater than Really Rapid Running Pace (4:40 average) with 20 metre Kick Ins (Foot to Chest) followed by 40 metre Kick outs (foot to ass) on the 3:00 pace with 1 minute rest between each repetition. Afterwards i am going to run 6 X 400-metre runs at a 95% age-graded pace (49 seconds) with about a minute rest between each one. Finally i am going to finish with a 6-mile recovery run at 5:54 pace (Easy).
overall, the workout went really well. While i was only able to hit about half of the miles at sub-5 pace, i really felt like i dominated the Kick-outs (my ass is bruised). There was a bit of wind on the track whcih i think caused my lungs to over-act and require me to breathe heavier and wheeze a bit. This was most apparent after the fifth mile all the way until the 20th rep. However, i still hit the last one at 4:59.55 so it was good. It was so good in fact that some kid who was running on the track alongside me (until i pushed him out of the way) cheered me on when i left the track and headed on my 6 mile run home. I think his dad liked me too because they honked the horn while following me for a bit and yelled some stuff out. Of course i couldn't hear what they were saying as i was jamming to some "i'm yours (The Remix)" by Justin Bieber featuring Hot chelle rae... It is probably ten times as good as the jason mraz original.
As soon as i got home, i made sure to properly nutrition myself with a healthy mix of mueslix, ten gel packs and porn. After finishing my nutrition process, i was very tired and took a three hour nap just awaking to the sounds of my landlord pounding on my door. I opened the door and he asked me where my rent was. I told him that its at the finish line of my next race and when i win all of that CA$H, i will totally pay him back for this month's rent as well as prepay at least three months worth. He was seemingly not impressed (because he is FAT and SLOW and does not understand anything other than blah!blah!blah! bitch where my money) but he said he would give me another 30-days as that is how long it would take him to find a replacement tenant to "occupy this shit hole! get your shit together, bitch face!" and then he slammed the door.
Shit! Now i need to raise $550 for this month's rent on top of the $4,500 i will need to book my trip for the 2015 Olympics in Afghanistan. Looks like i am going to have to pick up the training and find me some races. In addition, i wanted to avoid this but it looks like i can't. I am going to have to start racing on the Chicago Underground Racing Circuit.... While you can make a quick buck, rumor has it that people get injured and some people even die. You see, all of the races are done underground in the sewers and there are lots of people watching and gambling. As a result, it is very high stakes but the winners get good cash. When you don't trip and fall on the random AIDS-infested objects on the ground, sometimes people in the crowd will throw shit at you too... Or even worse, cut off your arm. If you ever wondered what happened to Alan Webb or Jon Chermak, two of the greatest runners to ever race in high school then look no further.... They were just two victims of being at the wrong prostitute attended high stakes underground mile race at the wrong time.
You call it dangerous.... I call it life!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Ultra Marathons = Ultra SLOWness
Oh boy what a weekend. I think i have the most fun weekends of all time, i am like Tommy Lee. First of all, on friday i was able to get in a good morning run and good pm run. On saturday, i got in a good morning run, a solid afternoon run, and then a great evening run. For lunch, i met a friend at a panera bread from like 11:00 AM until 11:20 AM (Its called a social life, losers! so glad i have one). Then yesterday, i woke up early (having passed out like late night on saturday round 7:30 PM) and was able to run 20 with a friend in the AM followed by a solid PM run.. Man, i did so much this weekend, its hard to believe i had time for it all. But you gotta remember, I am a FAST guy and people love me.. So that is why i get the killer weekends and all of you SLOW kids have like loser weekends.
While i was able to get in a paltry 60 miles this weekend, its tough sometimes to remind myself that i AM just starting off and that we all begin somewhere. You don't just start running 200 mpw weeks off the bat. I mean, that pussy Ryan Hall probably has never even heard of 200 mile weeks... But that is where i will be very soon.
While most of my runs were held at a steady-state pace with age-grading between 88.78% to 90.755%. I really had fun with my long run... My buddy Iron Mike came out and met me in this place called Barrington, IL. It is a pretty serene type place with many retail buildings, diners, and cougars to fill one's heart content. They say that it is the type of place where old money lives but only at the expense of your soul and your dreams. Trade in that freedom for a Lexus. Most of all, it is filled with SLOW people. God made this place hilly because he knew that this was where the SLOW would take refuge. By putting those hills there, he ensures that studs like myself can run without having to give autographs, converse with strangers or otherwise break out of my olympic routine.
Iron Mike is a crazy guy. He is kind of slow but ballsy. He ran a slow 2:30 boston or something (i don't think they record results for marathons after 2:14:59... the clocks just turn off. That is what i've heard). But he started off the race with a 3:59 first mile and that is like ok. Nothing like the low 3's that i usually run, but he was deemed suitable for today's run because i am just starting off and i need someone who has some talent and could hold a conversation with me.
We decided to run 20-miles because i was in need for a recovery run and i guess he was too. So we set off from the tennis courts of the high school, which i think served as the set for that Friends television show everyone loved.. The first mile was kind of rough, but we hit it at a 7:30. a seven f%**ing thirty. Seriously, who the f%**% is this guy?!? I asked him if he left his testicles at home because this was unacceptable. He said he ran a 60-mile run the day before and was kind of tired... I asked him what pace he ran it at. he said like 7:40s.. WHAT!? How can you be tired? I was like I can run 7:40s for 458-hours straight! That's right, there is no typo there. 458 hours straight. he said i was exaggerating, and i told him to exaggerate this and sped off for a 4:55 mile. Haha! F%*% Iron Mike, enjoy your slowness and all of your slow people races.
You see, he told me he is planning on racing a 50k, 100k, 100 miler, and some weird 24-hour race in Indiana or Ohio or one of "THOSE" states... For you beginner runners who are NOT in the know (and are probably SLOW), you have to understand the thing about these "ultra" races. They are for "ultra-pussies" who run "ultra-slow" over "ultra-long" distances. If God gave you running talent, you RUN and you RACE. If God didn't give you running talent, you COACH. If you can't COACH, you bowl. If you are TOO SLOW for bowling, you "run" ultra races. its like the republican party. No one with any real chance or plan goes to these things, but somehow we end up with a winner. A winner who ultimately is a loser and has no talent and you have to wait until the next race to find a new one.
Well, after that 4:55 mile, my stomach started hurting and my lungs were a little "sore". I knew they were sore based on the panting and the heavy breathing which had to be an allergic reaction to something. So i stood by the side of the road for like a minute just to puke out the energy gu gel bar i ate when Iron Mike comes running by and asks if i needed any help. Um, NO! Go run your 7:40s buddy... Maybe you can get some 70-year old grandmas to be your pace leader. LOSER! So i muscled enough energy and hatergy to sprint right past him and zoom in some good miles.. 4:45, 5:00, 5:15, 5:30, 6:00, 6:30, 6:45. It wasn't until i ran a 6:59 when i looked at my watch and realized i wasn't sustaining a 4:30 pace like i thought i was (remember i write these times post-humously which means after the run). I think there was something wrong with my garmin because that pace was totally 4:30. And i know i didn't lose that much talent over the 90-days and 50 pounds where i couldn't hit a 4:30 clip for 20-miles... well, the stomach hurt again and this time i fell to the side of the road.. fifteen minutes later, Iron Mike runs by and gave me a number one sign with his middle finger. Boom! I know i'm number one and i appreciate his effort and honesty about my superior running skills...
Well, i get back and just re-fuel my run with some more Hatergy (like energy but fueled by hate) and hit the next sequence of miles at 4:55, 5:33, 5:45, 5:59, 5:59, 5:59, 6:01, 6:02, 5:59, 5:59, and 6:40... Again, i looked at my watch and was pretty pissed off about the clip. I mean, what is going on with all of those satellites? How are THEY this far off. I've been running so long that i know what pace is. I know what pace feels like. i was going to be a pacer for the 2004 Olympic marathon as a teen ager but i chose not to because i had homework to do that weekend. I finally got to my car, and somehow i was weezing and panting again. What is going on with this? This was not a good day. Not at all. Ryan Hall must have screwed with my Garmin when i was sleeping last night and then put random tear gas bombs along the route to screw it up for me...
Well, this was a complete disappointment. I hit my "recovery" 20-miler at 2:03 something. Absolutely pathetic. If i keep this up, i will never win any races, i will never get a girl, i will never become a homeowner, i will never become an olympic champion and i sure as hell will not be able to beat that pussy Ryan Hall. So tomorrow, we are doing a double. We are going to do a HUGE track workout in the AM followed by a 12 X Mile X 200 X 30 X 44 X MILE X a-squared type of tempo-fartlek-kickers run on the progressive. This will kick us back to our original shape.
If you really want to be a champion, you have to follow through on every word you say. But you have to follow through!
While i was able to get in a paltry 60 miles this weekend, its tough sometimes to remind myself that i AM just starting off and that we all begin somewhere. You don't just start running 200 mpw weeks off the bat. I mean, that pussy Ryan Hall probably has never even heard of 200 mile weeks... But that is where i will be very soon.
While most of my runs were held at a steady-state pace with age-grading between 88.78% to 90.755%. I really had fun with my long run... My buddy Iron Mike came out and met me in this place called Barrington, IL. It is a pretty serene type place with many retail buildings, diners, and cougars to fill one's heart content. They say that it is the type of place where old money lives but only at the expense of your soul and your dreams. Trade in that freedom for a Lexus. Most of all, it is filled with SLOW people. God made this place hilly because he knew that this was where the SLOW would take refuge. By putting those hills there, he ensures that studs like myself can run without having to give autographs, converse with strangers or otherwise break out of my olympic routine.
Iron Mike is a crazy guy. He is kind of slow but ballsy. He ran a slow 2:30 boston or something (i don't think they record results for marathons after 2:14:59... the clocks just turn off. That is what i've heard). But he started off the race with a 3:59 first mile and that is like ok. Nothing like the low 3's that i usually run, but he was deemed suitable for today's run because i am just starting off and i need someone who has some talent and could hold a conversation with me.
We decided to run 20-miles because i was in need for a recovery run and i guess he was too. So we set off from the tennis courts of the high school, which i think served as the set for that Friends television show everyone loved.. The first mile was kind of rough, but we hit it at a 7:30. a seven f%**ing thirty. Seriously, who the f%**% is this guy?!? I asked him if he left his testicles at home because this was unacceptable. He said he ran a 60-mile run the day before and was kind of tired... I asked him what pace he ran it at. he said like 7:40s.. WHAT!? How can you be tired? I was like I can run 7:40s for 458-hours straight! That's right, there is no typo there. 458 hours straight. he said i was exaggerating, and i told him to exaggerate this and sped off for a 4:55 mile. Haha! F%*% Iron Mike, enjoy your slowness and all of your slow people races.
You see, he told me he is planning on racing a 50k, 100k, 100 miler, and some weird 24-hour race in Indiana or Ohio or one of "THOSE" states... For you beginner runners who are NOT in the know (and are probably SLOW), you have to understand the thing about these "ultra" races. They are for "ultra-pussies" who run "ultra-slow" over "ultra-long" distances. If God gave you running talent, you RUN and you RACE. If God didn't give you running talent, you COACH. If you can't COACH, you bowl. If you are TOO SLOW for bowling, you "run" ultra races. its like the republican party. No one with any real chance or plan goes to these things, but somehow we end up with a winner. A winner who ultimately is a loser and has no talent and you have to wait until the next race to find a new one.
Well, after that 4:55 mile, my stomach started hurting and my lungs were a little "sore". I knew they were sore based on the panting and the heavy breathing which had to be an allergic reaction to something. So i stood by the side of the road for like a minute just to puke out the energy gu gel bar i ate when Iron Mike comes running by and asks if i needed any help. Um, NO! Go run your 7:40s buddy... Maybe you can get some 70-year old grandmas to be your pace leader. LOSER! So i muscled enough energy and hatergy to sprint right past him and zoom in some good miles.. 4:45, 5:00, 5:15, 5:30, 6:00, 6:30, 6:45. It wasn't until i ran a 6:59 when i looked at my watch and realized i wasn't sustaining a 4:30 pace like i thought i was (remember i write these times post-humously which means after the run). I think there was something wrong with my garmin because that pace was totally 4:30. And i know i didn't lose that much talent over the 90-days and 50 pounds where i couldn't hit a 4:30 clip for 20-miles... well, the stomach hurt again and this time i fell to the side of the road.. fifteen minutes later, Iron Mike runs by and gave me a number one sign with his middle finger. Boom! I know i'm number one and i appreciate his effort and honesty about my superior running skills...
Well, i get back and just re-fuel my run with some more Hatergy (like energy but fueled by hate) and hit the next sequence of miles at 4:55, 5:33, 5:45, 5:59, 5:59, 5:59, 6:01, 6:02, 5:59, 5:59, and 6:40... Again, i looked at my watch and was pretty pissed off about the clip. I mean, what is going on with all of those satellites? How are THEY this far off. I've been running so long that i know what pace is. I know what pace feels like. i was going to be a pacer for the 2004 Olympic marathon as a teen ager but i chose not to because i had homework to do that weekend. I finally got to my car, and somehow i was weezing and panting again. What is going on with this? This was not a good day. Not at all. Ryan Hall must have screwed with my Garmin when i was sleeping last night and then put random tear gas bombs along the route to screw it up for me...
Well, this was a complete disappointment. I hit my "recovery" 20-miler at 2:03 something. Absolutely pathetic. If i keep this up, i will never win any races, i will never get a girl, i will never become a homeowner, i will never become an olympic champion and i sure as hell will not be able to beat that pussy Ryan Hall. So tomorrow, we are doing a double. We are going to do a HUGE track workout in the AM followed by a 12 X Mile X 200 X 30 X 44 X MILE X a-squared type of tempo-fartlek-kickers run on the progressive. This will kick us back to our original shape.
If you really want to be a champion, you have to follow through on every word you say. But you have to follow through!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Hurting for a Spurting
Have you ever felt sick before a run? Like really felt sick.... Ever since Monday i have just been sore and my body has not been responding to certain runs as i've liked. For example, this morning during my pick-up run my goal was just to run 5 miles easy followed by 5 miles hard with a 5 mile kick. So for example, i would want to hit my 15 miles in less than 1:20 for it to really count for weekly mileage. However, i was so sluggish in the beginning that my easy miles only came in at a 5:52 clip.... Then when it was time to go hard, i hit my first mile in 4:58 followed by 5:50, 6:30, 7:45, 9:02.... then when i went to kick (the actual workout part of it), i had nothing left... i jogged in a 6:20 something which equates to like a pathetic 2:50 marathon. jog! SLOW! What is wrong with me?
After talking with a doctor yesterday, it made me realize that i can't trust anyone. Doctors just wanna make money so they WANT me to believe something is WRONG with me. Others are hired by Ryan Hall, that pussy, to try to prevent me from training... Some people are just TOO SLOW to even understand what a fast person's issue could even be... I am quite perplexed, like at the creative writing table for that Chipwrecked movie coming out...
I spent the rest of the afternoon throwing a tennis ball against the wall and made a game of it. My mom asked me if i was ok, and i told her to leave me alone. Can't you see i'm trying to get back to my fastness! She then brought me down a gallon of Edy's ice cream.. yum! ate that shit right up.
At 8:00 i was scheduled to run 6 miles at a tempo (4:45 clip). Well that is what i used too run. I don't know any more... So i just took off. The first mile went ok at 4:45 when i started to get a stomach ache.... the next few miles are too slow to mention (non sub-5) but i will just let you know i came within three inches of puking on a raccoon and about four minutes close to rescuing someone from salmonella... After i got home, i just fell to the floor. I could not move. what is wrong with me? My body hurts! My legs hurt... everything is so tiring.. Why? I know i haven't run in 3 months but its not like i am training hard... I can't take a day off. I won't take a day off!
Perhaps i'll schedule a run with Schmo Nukeits and the Silver Fox tomorrow. They probably will have some advice. They are pretty slow but i gotta figure this out. After all, if i can't train hard and return to greatness and beat that pussy Ryan Hall.. Then what is the point of life?
After talking with a doctor yesterday, it made me realize that i can't trust anyone. Doctors just wanna make money so they WANT me to believe something is WRONG with me. Others are hired by Ryan Hall, that pussy, to try to prevent me from training... Some people are just TOO SLOW to even understand what a fast person's issue could even be... I am quite perplexed, like at the creative writing table for that Chipwrecked movie coming out...
I spent the rest of the afternoon throwing a tennis ball against the wall and made a game of it. My mom asked me if i was ok, and i told her to leave me alone. Can't you see i'm trying to get back to my fastness! She then brought me down a gallon of Edy's ice cream.. yum! ate that shit right up.
At 8:00 i was scheduled to run 6 miles at a tempo (4:45 clip). Well that is what i used too run. I don't know any more... So i just took off. The first mile went ok at 4:45 when i started to get a stomach ache.... the next few miles are too slow to mention (non sub-5) but i will just let you know i came within three inches of puking on a raccoon and about four minutes close to rescuing someone from salmonella... After i got home, i just fell to the floor. I could not move. what is wrong with me? My body hurts! My legs hurt... everything is so tiring.. Why? I know i haven't run in 3 months but its not like i am training hard... I can't take a day off. I won't take a day off!
Perhaps i'll schedule a run with Schmo Nukeits and the Silver Fox tomorrow. They probably will have some advice. They are pretty slow but i gotta figure this out. After all, if i can't train hard and return to greatness and beat that pussy Ryan Hall.. Then what is the point of life?
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Return from Innocence
Went to the doctor this morning to see what is wrong with me. After hours of blood work, diagnostic checks, and other medical testing.. the doctor informed me that i was suffering from fatigue. I told him about the lame 25-miler i did a few days ago and he said that it was a phenomenal feat and that i should take a few days off from running and whatever else i do. what a quack. I can't believe he would reccomend such things. Its probably because Ryan Hall, that pussy, hired him to stop me from training and getting better. Stupid doctor, i'll show him.
First thing i did when i got home was reweigh myself. Look at that. I lost 2 pounds. Woo hoo. Only 48 more to go til i'm back at race shape. To celebrate my feat i ate 8 gel packs and a gallon of edy's ice cream... it was a habit i picked up during my time in the hospital. I only had myself, that silly bird in the window and the seemingly unlimited supply of mackinac island fudge ice cream from edy's to keep me company. Oh, and that cool television program "Friday Night Lights". If only God made me as good at football as i am at running, i would be the next Smash Williams.
Seeing that my legs were still feeling a little thrashed, i decided to go for a 10 mile run without the watch. Running without a watch is quite possibly the dumbest thing anyone could ever do besides fecalphelia. How the hell do i know what pace i am going? How about how many miles i've gone. It seems like its been two hours already when i passed my old coach's mailbox... 1 mile. damn! this is going by slowly. so i decided to pick up the pace. I was running pretty hard when i came around Old Hillman's Hill which was a 25 degree downgrade made up of cement with yellow stripes in the center lane indicating that there is traffic on both sides. There were curbs on the east and west sides of the street with an adjacent sidewalk situated about 24 inches from it. A few telephone poles lined the street as well and they were connected by wires... It seemed that every few hundred feet or so there was some type of sewer duct too. It was at that moment when i realized how beautiful my settings were that i ran into a telephone pole... BOOM! Wow, the shot hit my forehead like kim kardashian with an STD test. I was on the ground feeling very woozy... my head was throbbing and i felt nausea and dipsea all over the place... I picked it up and continued running.
Wow was i dizzy and it wasn't clearing up. So i ran into a 7-11 and filled up a large slurpee cup. I didn't have any money so i explained to the guy that i was an olympic athlete and i needed the fuel and it was his duty as an american citizen to allow me to take it. He didn't seem to care about the slurpee as much as my demeanor. He asked if i was alright.. i sadi of course. He showed me a mirror and i saw a huge bruise over my eye and i was bleeding... oh no! What if i can't finish the run? I can't let that happen... absolutely not.
So i finished my slurpee really quick to get back to my run when... F*(#! What was that? My head hurts even worse nwo..... i threw the cup at the guy and asked him if Ryan Hall put him up to this. Why is everyone trying to get me today? I proceeded down the street when i hit the home depot. That was the five mile marker usually when i go this route and judging by the sun's reflection off of the cars i would say its 3:15. Wow! I started at 3:00 PM. What that means is i just ran 5 3:00 miles (World Record) which included stoppage time for the fall and the slurpeee.. Holler! And i knew because of how great i was there was absolutely no way i could be wrong about this.
So i trekked it back home, slowing it down a little bit. After all, i just set the world record for the 5-mile road at 15 minutes and change.. i deserve to take it easy. As soon as i got home i wrote a letter with my finest pen on the only available paper i had, the back of my T-Mobile phone bill.. I mailed that letter straight to the USATF to let them know about my feat. I also put down "CC: That pussy Ryan Hall". hehe. I think our champion is back!
First thing i did when i got home was reweigh myself. Look at that. I lost 2 pounds. Woo hoo. Only 48 more to go til i'm back at race shape. To celebrate my feat i ate 8 gel packs and a gallon of edy's ice cream... it was a habit i picked up during my time in the hospital. I only had myself, that silly bird in the window and the seemingly unlimited supply of mackinac island fudge ice cream from edy's to keep me company. Oh, and that cool television program "Friday Night Lights". If only God made me as good at football as i am at running, i would be the next Smash Williams.
Seeing that my legs were still feeling a little thrashed, i decided to go for a 10 mile run without the watch. Running without a watch is quite possibly the dumbest thing anyone could ever do besides fecalphelia. How the hell do i know what pace i am going? How about how many miles i've gone. It seems like its been two hours already when i passed my old coach's mailbox... 1 mile. damn! this is going by slowly. so i decided to pick up the pace. I was running pretty hard when i came around Old Hillman's Hill which was a 25 degree downgrade made up of cement with yellow stripes in the center lane indicating that there is traffic on both sides. There were curbs on the east and west sides of the street with an adjacent sidewalk situated about 24 inches from it. A few telephone poles lined the street as well and they were connected by wires... It seemed that every few hundred feet or so there was some type of sewer duct too. It was at that moment when i realized how beautiful my settings were that i ran into a telephone pole... BOOM! Wow, the shot hit my forehead like kim kardashian with an STD test. I was on the ground feeling very woozy... my head was throbbing and i felt nausea and dipsea all over the place... I picked it up and continued running.
Wow was i dizzy and it wasn't clearing up. So i ran into a 7-11 and filled up a large slurpee cup. I didn't have any money so i explained to the guy that i was an olympic athlete and i needed the fuel and it was his duty as an american citizen to allow me to take it. He didn't seem to care about the slurpee as much as my demeanor. He asked if i was alright.. i sadi of course. He showed me a mirror and i saw a huge bruise over my eye and i was bleeding... oh no! What if i can't finish the run? I can't let that happen... absolutely not.
So i finished my slurpee really quick to get back to my run when... F*(#! What was that? My head hurts even worse nwo..... i threw the cup at the guy and asked him if Ryan Hall put him up to this. Why is everyone trying to get me today? I proceeded down the street when i hit the home depot. That was the five mile marker usually when i go this route and judging by the sun's reflection off of the cars i would say its 3:15. Wow! I started at 3:00 PM. What that means is i just ran 5 3:00 miles (World Record) which included stoppage time for the fall and the slurpeee.. Holler! And i knew because of how great i was there was absolutely no way i could be wrong about this.
So i trekked it back home, slowing it down a little bit. After all, i just set the world record for the 5-mile road at 15 minutes and change.. i deserve to take it easy. As soon as i got home i wrote a letter with my finest pen on the only available paper i had, the back of my T-Mobile phone bill.. I mailed that letter straight to the USATF to let them know about my feat. I also put down "CC: That pussy Ryan Hall". hehe. I think our champion is back!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Day 2: The Trackwreck
Woke up today feeling a little sore, but i think it has more to do with the fatness than my superb running abilities and supersonic recovery speed. You see, people who are fat and slow take longer to recover which is why they can never get good workouts in like me. While they will never hit levels that i hit in my runs, they make up for it with other skills like being able to get me water whenever i need it, eating taco bell tacos, or even advancing to super awesome levels in the World of Warcraft. not me though, because even at 50 pounds overweight, i am like super fast still and nothing can stop me.
As i finished my Mueslix, something odd struck out at me. My legs still ached and i felt this sense of lacking energy, but i don't know why. So i looked at the box of mueslix, and yup there it was "Use by 12/15/2020". Man, i should've known. It is an industry secret that you have to eat cereal 12 years before it expires otherwise you get achy. I knew something was up and it had nothing to do with my recovery. Still, i loves me mueslix like lil wayne loves hoes and tattoos so i finished off the bowl and put on the running gear and headed out the door.
The objective today is to do a track workout. Yesterday was a complete failure with my 25-mile suck-ass run so i was going to make up for it today. For all you beginner runners out there, whenver you have a bad workout or have to miss a day due to injury or illness (SLOW people disease), it is always best to double up not only on miles but on effort too for your workouts the next day. Otherwise your 7 day running week will be well, weak.
So i popped a gel pack and got going. it was a 3 mile run to the track and i was going to do 17 x repeat miles on the 4:45 just to take it easy but let out some steam. I am about two miles into my recovery/warm-up run when i just feel achy and slow. Why the hell am i so achy? I look at my watch and the garmin shows i am at a 7:30 pace. WTF! This is like the worst warm-up pace ever. McMillan totally outlines me at a 5:42 warm-up pace because i can run a 3:15 mile so this is crap. So i decide to sprint the rest of the way... OUCH! My legs hurt but i am up to my 5:42 pace for warm-up..>> Now there must be that smog in the air because my lungs are hurting too and my breathing is out of whack. I hope i didn't catch one of those respiratory illnesses again... Well i finish my warm-up run and get to the track. CLOSED FOR WINTER is on the sign.... So i just assume it means "CLOSED FOR LOSER SLOW PEOPLE", "WINNERS ENTER WITH CAUTION". Well it didn't say it, so i spelled it out with my urine in the snow.
I did my striders and got to stretching... My legs still ache. Ok, this is crappy. How the hell does my body ache after a stupid 25-mile run at a GOD awful slow pace of 5:52. Yuck! So i crank out the first mile.. I am about at a 5:30 pace halfway through and just feel like absolute hell. I finish it at 5:40. Ugh! Recovery pace. That is one. Only 16 to go. I get through the second one and it is 5:44. I get through the third and fourth ones at 5:50 & 5:55,respectively... Now, i am on the ground in absolute pain. My knees hurt, my legs hurt, my balls hurt (from that raccoon yesterday), and i am on the ground heaving... But it obviously is because of the smog that gave me a respiratory illness.. Definitely nothing to do with a 25-mile recovery run.
I start my sixth one and just slipped on a patch of snow. Nothing is broke but my body is hurting... I got after five minutes when a security guard comes and flashes a light onto me. That's when i realize i am bleeding a little bit. But no problem. I Thank him for his help and continue running. I get one lap in and he stands in front of me and says "HEY! Track is closed". I told him that i know its closed to slow people so i won't tell any. See that is why FAT & SLOW people are good people, they can keep the track clear of riff raff so that winners like me can train. He then said "NO! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! You've already fallen and hurt yourself.. you CAN'T be here" and calls someone on his radio. He then asked if i saw anyone piss outside. i told him no. He said just in case, i should wait here while he calls an ambulance to treat my wound. Right when he turns around, i take off and just get going..
I don't know if it was the adrenaline but i feel like i was going super fast. I think the FAT security guard took two steps and then was out of breath because he is SLOW. I was hitting a great pace when i realized! I forgot to stop my garmin when i fell. My mile split is currently at 20:05. SHIT! I knew something shitty would happen. Now my garmin mileage is going to be tainted and screwed up because this 20:00 minute mile. Damn it! I am going to have to change my computer's password again just in case anyone figured it out the last time. Ooh, there is a good password "time". Aha! Now my secret is safe and i don't have to kill the security guard to protect it. #winning.
The next two miles were at a 6:50 & 6:30 pace. ouch. SLow and my body absolutely aches... I get inside and am about to drink a gallon of orange juice (runner's post-workout secret) when i notice a picture of that HOT Jenny Simpson on the cover of my running magazine.... Although the magazine sucks ass and is nothing compared to the genius that is Chicago Athlete Magazine. Uh oh, my legs are wobbly and i feel a little bit dazed... As i feel my body fall to the floor, i can't help but think.... Why does my body need a recovery after a 25-mile r..... WHAM!
As i finished my Mueslix, something odd struck out at me. My legs still ached and i felt this sense of lacking energy, but i don't know why. So i looked at the box of mueslix, and yup there it was "Use by 12/15/2020". Man, i should've known. It is an industry secret that you have to eat cereal 12 years before it expires otherwise you get achy. I knew something was up and it had nothing to do with my recovery. Still, i loves me mueslix like lil wayne loves hoes and tattoos so i finished off the bowl and put on the running gear and headed out the door.
The objective today is to do a track workout. Yesterday was a complete failure with my 25-mile suck-ass run so i was going to make up for it today. For all you beginner runners out there, whenver you have a bad workout or have to miss a day due to injury or illness (SLOW people disease), it is always best to double up not only on miles but on effort too for your workouts the next day. Otherwise your 7 day running week will be well, weak.
So i popped a gel pack and got going. it was a 3 mile run to the track and i was going to do 17 x repeat miles on the 4:45 just to take it easy but let out some steam. I am about two miles into my recovery/warm-up run when i just feel achy and slow. Why the hell am i so achy? I look at my watch and the garmin shows i am at a 7:30 pace. WTF! This is like the worst warm-up pace ever. McMillan totally outlines me at a 5:42 warm-up pace because i can run a 3:15 mile so this is crap. So i decide to sprint the rest of the way... OUCH! My legs hurt but i am up to my 5:42 pace for warm-up..>> Now there must be that smog in the air because my lungs are hurting too and my breathing is out of whack. I hope i didn't catch one of those respiratory illnesses again... Well i finish my warm-up run and get to the track. CLOSED FOR WINTER is on the sign.... So i just assume it means "CLOSED FOR LOSER SLOW PEOPLE", "WINNERS ENTER WITH CAUTION". Well it didn't say it, so i spelled it out with my urine in the snow.
I did my striders and got to stretching... My legs still ache. Ok, this is crappy. How the hell does my body ache after a stupid 25-mile run at a GOD awful slow pace of 5:52. Yuck! So i crank out the first mile.. I am about at a 5:30 pace halfway through and just feel like absolute hell. I finish it at 5:40. Ugh! Recovery pace. That is one. Only 16 to go. I get through the second one and it is 5:44. I get through the third and fourth ones at 5:50 & 5:55,respectively... Now, i am on the ground in absolute pain. My knees hurt, my legs hurt, my balls hurt (from that raccoon yesterday), and i am on the ground heaving... But it obviously is because of the smog that gave me a respiratory illness.. Definitely nothing to do with a 25-mile recovery run.
I start my sixth one and just slipped on a patch of snow. Nothing is broke but my body is hurting... I got after five minutes when a security guard comes and flashes a light onto me. That's when i realize i am bleeding a little bit. But no problem. I Thank him for his help and continue running. I get one lap in and he stands in front of me and says "HEY! Track is closed". I told him that i know its closed to slow people so i won't tell any. See that is why FAT & SLOW people are good people, they can keep the track clear of riff raff so that winners like me can train. He then said "NO! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! You've already fallen and hurt yourself.. you CAN'T be here" and calls someone on his radio. He then asked if i saw anyone piss outside. i told him no. He said just in case, i should wait here while he calls an ambulance to treat my wound. Right when he turns around, i take off and just get going..
I don't know if it was the adrenaline but i feel like i was going super fast. I think the FAT security guard took two steps and then was out of breath because he is SLOW. I was hitting a great pace when i realized! I forgot to stop my garmin when i fell. My mile split is currently at 20:05. SHIT! I knew something shitty would happen. Now my garmin mileage is going to be tainted and screwed up because this 20:00 minute mile. Damn it! I am going to have to change my computer's password again just in case anyone figured it out the last time. Ooh, there is a good password "time". Aha! Now my secret is safe and i don't have to kill the security guard to protect it. #winning.
The next two miles were at a 6:50 & 6:30 pace. ouch. SLow and my body absolutely aches... I get inside and am about to drink a gallon of orange juice (runner's post-workout secret) when i notice a picture of that HOT Jenny Simpson on the cover of my running magazine.... Although the magazine sucks ass and is nothing compared to the genius that is Chicago Athlete Magazine. Uh oh, my legs are wobbly and i feel a little bit dazed... As i feel my body fall to the floor, i can't help but think.... Why does my body need a recovery after a 25-mile r..... WHAM!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Day 1: Ground Zero
It was a crisp morning, it was the first morning of my new running regime. As i sat on my living room floor naked eating my bowl of mueslix and listening to the radio, I couldn't help but get excited to be fast again. Although i had no milk to enjoy my cereal with (thanks mom, way to be SLOW and not supportive of olympians), there was a murmur in the background that made everything okay. I think it was the sound of someone's car playing Lifehouse "hanging by a moment" or it was my alarm clock which i programmed to play the same song every single day.
Now today's run was a scheduled 25-miles at somewhere in the 5:50s. Although i gained 250 pounds and looked like Meatloaf from "Fight Club" (Fat & Slow), i knew i could at least hit this pace. I have known all kinds of slow idiots with no talent who run this type of run all of the time. So if THEY could do it, being completely inferior to me in every single way, i knew that i could do it too. The goal for this week is to just ease into running again slowly. You know, something like a 90-mile week. A week where there is no pressure as i don't need to hit anything dees until tomorrow when i try my first track workout. Yup, like my senior prom when i actually became more of a virgin than i was before, i was going to take this slow.
I laced up my Saucony brand running shoes and put on my compression socks, not recovery socks (those are for pussies). Although the main difference between compression socks and recovery socks (other than being a pussy) is $15. That is what my good friend at Kock Lakes told me. His name is John Itchmyson. I like a lot of support for my long runs, so i put on the Saucony Hattori which provide me with 4.4 ounces of cushioning.
Boom! I opened the door and took right out the door. The garmin seemed to be working fine and Al Roker said that it would be absolutely perfect weather. I started the run around 10:00 AM So that all of those SLOW people who lack TALENT could go to their loser jobs and allow WINNERS like me to get my training runs in undisturbed. Who needs money when Saucony will give me money. Once i get my "wings" back, they will pay me probably somewhere in the millions. ALbert Pujols got like $250MM and he is a pussy like Ryan Hall. If he can make that kind of money swinging his stick at some balls being thrown in his face, then i definitely will make billions. I think Meb made a cool million..probably wasted it on things like a wife, kids and ahouse though. Those are the type of things that will hold you back. Ooh! Just checked the Garmin, i've hit the 0.50 mile marker and we are at a 4:59 clip. Dees, but good that i started off that slow...
Seemingly a good day, but then i made a turn around this street corner and slipped a bit. The type of slip that splits your tight shorts in half like a fat guy at a Nickelback concert. No, literally! My tight shorts split in half.. shit! I looked at the Garmin and i'm only 4 miles into this run and my average clip is 5:40. Shit! Not only have i slowed to beyond recovery pace but now my boys are hanging out in the back. Oh well, i am a champion and the ladies can now see what a true champion works with.
I was able to get 7 more miles in at a 5:55 clip. Slowing down, yes! but only 11 more to go and i am not too worried about pace this run. it is the first run of what will be my greatest season ever. Things were starting to click a lil more, and by that i mean the chafing was now numb so my underbody was finally under control and my clip was up to 5:40 for the next 3 miles. Then i saw a mother and her three children walking down the street with a police car coming from the other side... Oh Shit! if they saw me with my split shorts, they're gonna think that I'm wanting to horse around with children like a Nittany Lion. So i think and then jump over this fence into someone's back yard. well i landed in a bush and noticed that i was laying on something furry and moving... i get up to begin running again (my garmin is going and i really need to hit my average of 5:50 clip) and then noticed a mother raccoon and her cubs were upset and chasing me in a small enclosure. So to keep the run going i begin running in 10 metre circles around the raccoons.. They seem to be confused and held back accordingly... the mother would occasionally lunge forward but then back up when i would make fart noises near her cubs. Looked at the watch, boom! Just hit a 6:05 mile (shit!) that is so off.... so finally i decide to make my way to the fence. I take a big leap and stretch my arms over the fence and start pulling myself up. That's when i realize that my backside is exposed and thats when i feel her claw in a certain area which resulted in a shot of pain that went straight up my spine and launched me in the air and about five feet into the street below...
Ouch! I am laying there and all i can think about is that my garmin is still going and i need to pick it up and run. I get up and start going. i get around 3 miles and i start to feel a little dizzy... I look at the garmin and i seemed to have gone about a 6:30 clip. Shit! I reach behind and just graze my finger on my buttcheek (left) and brought it back. yup! blood.... how am i going to get this run finished at my clip if i am bleeding. Luckily it was only the first run so i didn't need to worry about pace. Yeah, no worrying about pace as long as i can maintain between a 5:50 and 5:51 clip then pace won't matter.
I picked up the gait a little bit and make it about 2.5 miles to a street light. Looked at the watch and hit about 5:45... awesome. Picked up the clip. Picked up the clip. But luckily the pace didn't matter as this was just a recovery run. I can run a lot faster than this after all, o ne would only have to take a look at my athlinks to realize that i am way faster.
FInally, i hit the home stretch and am about to finish my run in the driveway when my neighbor comes home playing some Britney Spears garbage from her car. I sprint to the finish and told her to shut her crap off. Looked at the garmin.... Finished my 25 miles in 2:26:55. Shit! That effing sucks, on a run when pace didn't even matter i end up running a piss poor 5:52. What the hell are people going to say when they break into my computer and read my Garmin? They're gonna know... OK, so i will change my computer password ... aha! now people will not be able to see this poor of a day. Luckily athlinks doesn't show training run times otherwise that would be embarrassing to show too.
I hate it when you do a race and don't PR. Then people think that like you're that slow when you totally can hit that PR time or better. I always correct people and let them know that i can run it like a minute faster and that today was just a tempo run. Yup... this run today was just a tempo. Pace doesn't matter although a 5:52 is really shitty.... Stupid pace.
Now today's run was a scheduled 25-miles at somewhere in the 5:50s. Although i gained 250 pounds and looked like Meatloaf from "Fight Club" (Fat & Slow), i knew i could at least hit this pace. I have known all kinds of slow idiots with no talent who run this type of run all of the time. So if THEY could do it, being completely inferior to me in every single way, i knew that i could do it too. The goal for this week is to just ease into running again slowly. You know, something like a 90-mile week. A week where there is no pressure as i don't need to hit anything dees until tomorrow when i try my first track workout. Yup, like my senior prom when i actually became more of a virgin than i was before, i was going to take this slow.
I laced up my Saucony brand running shoes and put on my compression socks, not recovery socks (those are for pussies). Although the main difference between compression socks and recovery socks (other than being a pussy) is $15. That is what my good friend at Kock Lakes told me. His name is John Itchmyson. I like a lot of support for my long runs, so i put on the Saucony Hattori which provide me with 4.4 ounces of cushioning.
Boom! I opened the door and took right out the door. The garmin seemed to be working fine and Al Roker said that it would be absolutely perfect weather. I started the run around 10:00 AM So that all of those SLOW people who lack TALENT could go to their loser jobs and allow WINNERS like me to get my training runs in undisturbed. Who needs money when Saucony will give me money. Once i get my "wings" back, they will pay me probably somewhere in the millions. ALbert Pujols got like $250MM and he is a pussy like Ryan Hall. If he can make that kind of money swinging his stick at some balls being thrown in his face, then i definitely will make billions. I think Meb made a cool million..probably wasted it on things like a wife, kids and ahouse though. Those are the type of things that will hold you back. Ooh! Just checked the Garmin, i've hit the 0.50 mile marker and we are at a 4:59 clip. Dees, but good that i started off that slow...
Seemingly a good day, but then i made a turn around this street corner and slipped a bit. The type of slip that splits your tight shorts in half like a fat guy at a Nickelback concert. No, literally! My tight shorts split in half.. shit! I looked at the Garmin and i'm only 4 miles into this run and my average clip is 5:40. Shit! Not only have i slowed to beyond recovery pace but now my boys are hanging out in the back. Oh well, i am a champion and the ladies can now see what a true champion works with.
I was able to get 7 more miles in at a 5:55 clip. Slowing down, yes! but only 11 more to go and i am not too worried about pace this run. it is the first run of what will be my greatest season ever. Things were starting to click a lil more, and by that i mean the chafing was now numb so my underbody was finally under control and my clip was up to 5:40 for the next 3 miles. Then i saw a mother and her three children walking down the street with a police car coming from the other side... Oh Shit! if they saw me with my split shorts, they're gonna think that I'm wanting to horse around with children like a Nittany Lion. So i think and then jump over this fence into someone's back yard. well i landed in a bush and noticed that i was laying on something furry and moving... i get up to begin running again (my garmin is going and i really need to hit my average of 5:50 clip) and then noticed a mother raccoon and her cubs were upset and chasing me in a small enclosure. So to keep the run going i begin running in 10 metre circles around the raccoons.. They seem to be confused and held back accordingly... the mother would occasionally lunge forward but then back up when i would make fart noises near her cubs. Looked at the watch, boom! Just hit a 6:05 mile (shit!) that is so off.... so finally i decide to make my way to the fence. I take a big leap and stretch my arms over the fence and start pulling myself up. That's when i realize that my backside is exposed and thats when i feel her claw in a certain area which resulted in a shot of pain that went straight up my spine and launched me in the air and about five feet into the street below...
Ouch! I am laying there and all i can think about is that my garmin is still going and i need to pick it up and run. I get up and start going. i get around 3 miles and i start to feel a little dizzy... I look at the garmin and i seemed to have gone about a 6:30 clip. Shit! I reach behind and just graze my finger on my buttcheek (left) and brought it back. yup! blood.... how am i going to get this run finished at my clip if i am bleeding. Luckily it was only the first run so i didn't need to worry about pace. Yeah, no worrying about pace as long as i can maintain between a 5:50 and 5:51 clip then pace won't matter.
I picked up the gait a little bit and make it about 2.5 miles to a street light. Looked at the watch and hit about 5:45... awesome. Picked up the clip. Picked up the clip. But luckily the pace didn't matter as this was just a recovery run. I can run a lot faster than this after all, o ne would only have to take a look at my athlinks to realize that i am way faster.
FInally, i hit the home stretch and am about to finish my run in the driveway when my neighbor comes home playing some Britney Spears garbage from her car. I sprint to the finish and told her to shut her crap off. Looked at the garmin.... Finished my 25 miles in 2:26:55. Shit! That effing sucks, on a run when pace didn't even matter i end up running a piss poor 5:52. What the hell are people going to say when they break into my computer and read my Garmin? They're gonna know... OK, so i will change my computer password ... aha! now people will not be able to see this poor of a day. Luckily athlinks doesn't show training run times otherwise that would be embarrassing to show too.
I hate it when you do a race and don't PR. Then people think that like you're that slow when you totally can hit that PR time or better. I always correct people and let them know that i can run it like a minute faster and that today was just a tempo run. Yup... this run today was just a tempo. Pace doesn't matter although a 5:52 is really shitty.... Stupid pace.
Monday, December 12, 2011
The Return of the King
I return to this blog, not as a champion but as a failure for a human being. Not long after my last post, I suffered what appeared to be an insigificant injury whilst running on the Ice Age Trail in Wisconsin. I was moving along at a substantially rapid pace (3:45 per mile clip) which is like a really good tempo run. I was about ten miles deep into the run when it hit me.... I tripped over a root and collapsed about 100 feet into a deep gorge. To put the fall in laymen's terms, try to compare it to the Chicago Bears second half game plan against the Tim Tebow.. Except in this situation, the Tim Tebow could not perform a miracle on my leg. The fall lasted what seemed like a lifetime over the course of 7 seconds. The 7 seconds to change my life. There was a bone protruding from my leg and it was at that moment, when looking at my bloody leg, that i realized that my biggest fears would come true: I would not be able to finish today's run.
I had been averaging around 205 miles per week for quite some time, like around 10 days. I felt like spiderman when it came to my running form because it was perfect... except without all that spidey web goo. There was about 30 days left before my big test to get into the Olympic Qualifier Marathon. So as you can imagine, i needed this 23-mile tempo run. I needed it more than it needed me. And i failed. As the ambulance took me away, some guy kept touching my arm asking me if i was ok... What a jerk! Here i am sitting there with a bloody leg knowing damn well that i was unable to fulfill my daily miles today and he is trying to horse around with me like Jerry Sandusky... Well as they took me to the hospital, i knew in my mind that things needed to change. BADLY. SO I planned on reducing my workout for the next day to only 30 X 400 repeats on the 1:20, that way i can get :25 seconds rest. Easy stuff....
Well the accident occurred about 3 months ago. I just returned home from the hospital and the doctors, who obviously are SLOW people, wouldn't even let me run or try to figure out how i could run in bed. I think that Ryan Hall set this up because he knew how great I was. I bet he hired those doctors to hold me back to keep me from running, to feed me gallons of vanilla ice cream while i watched people dance on the Ellen show. Sometimes a bird would fly to my window and i would hold great conversations with it.... It was boring though. Life without running is like rock music without Lifehouse.
The good news is that i can walk again. The bad news is that I've gained 50 pounds since the accident. I have returned home to my parents basement and have come to grips with the reality that i will not be able to race in the Olympic Trials Marathon in January. However, i know i am fast because you just don't lose fast. Slow people can't lose their slowness, but i will never lose my fast. Tomorrow, i begin my new journey. After three months off, i will begin training again. Not because of the Olympics, no that is four years from now. NO, this time i am going to train so that i can once again step on the battle field and defeat Ryan Hall in a foot race... because he is a pussy.
Tomorrow's run is scheduled for 25-miles at a 5:45 clip. I figure with three months off, i am probably fat & slow so going at a recovery pace is probably the best idea. My sponsor dropped me, so i will probably have to stop by Kock Lake's running store and pick up their complementary shoes that are located in a basket near the door. I think they leave them there so elite runners like myself will always have something to run in. Not like music by Gavin Degraw which creates sound you want to run from. The only problem is they don't clean the shoes and they smell... but oh well, new beginnings.
I had been averaging around 205 miles per week for quite some time, like around 10 days. I felt like spiderman when it came to my running form because it was perfect... except without all that spidey web goo. There was about 30 days left before my big test to get into the Olympic Qualifier Marathon. So as you can imagine, i needed this 23-mile tempo run. I needed it more than it needed me. And i failed. As the ambulance took me away, some guy kept touching my arm asking me if i was ok... What a jerk! Here i am sitting there with a bloody leg knowing damn well that i was unable to fulfill my daily miles today and he is trying to horse around with me like Jerry Sandusky... Well as they took me to the hospital, i knew in my mind that things needed to change. BADLY. SO I planned on reducing my workout for the next day to only 30 X 400 repeats on the 1:20, that way i can get :25 seconds rest. Easy stuff....
Well the accident occurred about 3 months ago. I just returned home from the hospital and the doctors, who obviously are SLOW people, wouldn't even let me run or try to figure out how i could run in bed. I think that Ryan Hall set this up because he knew how great I was. I bet he hired those doctors to hold me back to keep me from running, to feed me gallons of vanilla ice cream while i watched people dance on the Ellen show. Sometimes a bird would fly to my window and i would hold great conversations with it.... It was boring though. Life without running is like rock music without Lifehouse.
The good news is that i can walk again. The bad news is that I've gained 50 pounds since the accident. I have returned home to my parents basement and have come to grips with the reality that i will not be able to race in the Olympic Trials Marathon in January. However, i know i am fast because you just don't lose fast. Slow people can't lose their slowness, but i will never lose my fast. Tomorrow, i begin my new journey. After three months off, i will begin training again. Not because of the Olympics, no that is four years from now. NO, this time i am going to train so that i can once again step on the battle field and defeat Ryan Hall in a foot race... because he is a pussy.
Tomorrow's run is scheduled for 25-miles at a 5:45 clip. I figure with three months off, i am probably fat & slow so going at a recovery pace is probably the best idea. My sponsor dropped me, so i will probably have to stop by Kock Lake's running store and pick up their complementary shoes that are located in a basket near the door. I think they leave them there so elite runners like myself will always have something to run in. Not like music by Gavin Degraw which creates sound you want to run from. The only problem is they don't clean the shoes and they smell... but oh well, new beginnings.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Day 54: Preparing to take down Iron Mark
I can't believe its been 54 days of Olympic Marathon training and i was at a running camp. I know that the training might be getting to me as my weight has dropped down considerably and i appear to resemble some form of a Robert Deniro in the morning when i wash my face with lye soap. Now not the Taxi Driver Robert Deniro, but the sad one from those Meet the Parents movies they seemingly keep releasing..Now aside from looking old, and feeling old, i read somewhere that runner's are very smart people. Now given that I am the best runner, I figure I must be the smartest person in the entire world. So I immediately asked Vin for a pencil and paper because i was going to write MENSA a letter about not only joining but becoming their president.
As I sat there eating Mueslix right out of my Saucony brand running shoe (they trapped one of the tigers in the kitchen, he refuses to leave so i am unable to get a bowl at this moment.)
How did i get the cereal and milk you ask? Well, being as smart as i am, i always carry a box of Mueslix on me because it is by far the greatest cereal ever made in the name of all that is Holy! The milk was a little more work. You see, i have never milked a goat before so I asked Vin to show me. At first he hesitated... I think its because he saw that i am faster and better than him, so his heart filled with envy, a deadly sin. But then he must have saw how hungry i was because he pointed to a goat sitting outside our cabin. He said "Make sure to milk the billy over there in an aggressive fashion. Remember they only have one utter so you need to make it count." Well, he didn't actually say that. I had Floyd Landis do some translating for me... In return, i had to hide more of his drugs. I am beginning to think that he wasn't telling the truth when he said he didn't use performance enhancing drugs. And to think! I risked my good name defending him in honorable forums like letsbike.com, ilovebiking.com, and eharmony.com.. Anyways, so i started working the utter as Vin told me to and nothing really seemed to be working.. So i kept at it and eventually i got a sufficient amount to put in my cereal... However, this goat must have been sick or something because the milk was more of a solid like form and kind of sticky. Anyways, i didn't let it take away from my Mueslix.
Now Coach told me that he is hosting a half marathon race for all of the campers tomorrow at 7:30 AM. He said that a good portion of the course would be on the roads which surround our camp and that there would be a lot of hills. He also said that he was bringing in three of the Chicago areas best runners for the 33rd Annual Skerry March Madness Half Marathon: Iron Mark Makillme, Chadwick Warehouse, and some dude named Jeff Gingervitis. or at least that is all i heard because i couldn't believe that coach was bringing in these SLOW people to even challenge me. I bet they couldn't even break 1:04 for a half marathon... ha! I couldn't wait to race them. The plan will be to run a slow 4:49 for the first mile and then actually try the rest of the way..
Now the game plan is to get up in the morning around 5:30AM, in preparation for the 7:30AM start. I usually like to sleep in two hour segments the night before a race, in which i do a set of 15 crunches, two push ups and i eat an eggo waffle then go back to bed. For the final set, i get up around 2 hours before race time in order to eat, digest, poop, imbibe human growth hormone, drink monster energy drink and fully wake up before a race.
I asked my coach about an elite staging area. He asked me what the hell i was talking about. i said... you know. With this race going on, since i am going to win it, do you expect me to sleep in a cabin with Vin? Obviously i am a winner and winners sleep at Holiday Inns. I am also a genius and that is where they stay as well. he said that the "elites" like myself would be sleeping in the kitchen with the tigers since we shared the same blood. I told him that i was ok where i was with Vin and that i really didn't feel like hanging out with my relatives... i did tell him though, that when Ryan Hall travels, he gets like hotels, gear drops, nice bathrooms, food, orphans to serve him, deer blood, and anything he wants. Since i am better than ryan hall, i deserve more.. but i guess all in due time.
Now, in order to have a perfect race, its all about the weather. A runner needs the Temperature to be in the upper 90s for race conditions to be perfect. you see, when it is that hot out, you sweat out all of the bad water, and then you can replace it with the good water. Now elites like me hire SLOW people to drive in golf carts and get me my "Me Fuel" which consists of my racing nutrients in a water bottle. Its good to sweat. its also good to be fast, so i guess you can't have it all.. haha.
Finally, in order to have a perfect race, you also need the following:
Split Elapsed Time Notes
Mile 1: 4:49 4:49 Taking it easy.. Just to mess with iron mark
Mile 2: 4:48 9:37 keep it consistent
Mile 3: 4:45 14:22 now is when i throw in a hammer for training purposes
Mile 4: 5:00 19:22 This is where a 500 foot hill with a steep incline lies
Mile 5: 5:10 24:32 After a 1/2 mile of downhill, there's another hill of 300 ft
Mile 6; 5:05 29:37 I don't want to kill myself for tomorrow's w/o, holding back
Mile 7: 5:00 34:37 Figure i could make it a semi-progressive run
Mile 8: 4:50 39:27 Again. gotta throw in a hammer.
Mile 9: 5:00 44:27 I like this pace... its not recovery, but i figured i'd throw it in
Mile 10: 5:15 49:42 This is where there's a 600 ft 10 grade hill.. Mount Suckass
Mile 11: 5:10 54:52 There are two hills, both small, but may take it easy at 5:10
Mile 12: 5:05 59:57 Figure i'd progress it at this stage.
Mile 13: 4:45 1:04:42 Gotta lay a hammer down. This is my actual race pace.
Mile 0.1: 0:17 1:04:59 God gave me speed and i gotta use it.
Well, i spent the rest of the day just gameplanning on how i am going to destroy iron mark. But i think i may have to actually try against Chad Warehouse and Jeff Tonsilitis. So i decided that a 20 mile run at a 5:15 clip followed by 30 400s on the 1:15 (finish them in :55, 20 seconds rest... its like a recovery run). Laying in bed, i must have been antsy because my legs hurt and i felt really tired. So much for recovery. Guess we all can't be eminem.
As I sat there eating Mueslix right out of my Saucony brand running shoe (they trapped one of the tigers in the kitchen, he refuses to leave so i am unable to get a bowl at this moment.)
How did i get the cereal and milk you ask? Well, being as smart as i am, i always carry a box of Mueslix on me because it is by far the greatest cereal ever made in the name of all that is Holy! The milk was a little more work. You see, i have never milked a goat before so I asked Vin to show me. At first he hesitated... I think its because he saw that i am faster and better than him, so his heart filled with envy, a deadly sin. But then he must have saw how hungry i was because he pointed to a goat sitting outside our cabin. He said "Make sure to milk the billy over there in an aggressive fashion. Remember they only have one utter so you need to make it count." Well, he didn't actually say that. I had Floyd Landis do some translating for me... In return, i had to hide more of his drugs. I am beginning to think that he wasn't telling the truth when he said he didn't use performance enhancing drugs. And to think! I risked my good name defending him in honorable forums like letsbike.com, ilovebiking.com, and eharmony.com.. Anyways, so i started working the utter as Vin told me to and nothing really seemed to be working.. So i kept at it and eventually i got a sufficient amount to put in my cereal... However, this goat must have been sick or something because the milk was more of a solid like form and kind of sticky. Anyways, i didn't let it take away from my Mueslix.
Now Coach told me that he is hosting a half marathon race for all of the campers tomorrow at 7:30 AM. He said that a good portion of the course would be on the roads which surround our camp and that there would be a lot of hills. He also said that he was bringing in three of the Chicago areas best runners for the 33rd Annual Skerry March Madness Half Marathon: Iron Mark Makillme, Chadwick Warehouse, and some dude named Jeff Gingervitis. or at least that is all i heard because i couldn't believe that coach was bringing in these SLOW people to even challenge me. I bet they couldn't even break 1:04 for a half marathon... ha! I couldn't wait to race them. The plan will be to run a slow 4:49 for the first mile and then actually try the rest of the way..
Now the game plan is to get up in the morning around 5:30AM, in preparation for the 7:30AM start. I usually like to sleep in two hour segments the night before a race, in which i do a set of 15 crunches, two push ups and i eat an eggo waffle then go back to bed. For the final set, i get up around 2 hours before race time in order to eat, digest, poop, imbibe human growth hormone, drink monster energy drink and fully wake up before a race.
I asked my coach about an elite staging area. He asked me what the hell i was talking about. i said... you know. With this race going on, since i am going to win it, do you expect me to sleep in a cabin with Vin? Obviously i am a winner and winners sleep at Holiday Inns. I am also a genius and that is where they stay as well. he said that the "elites" like myself would be sleeping in the kitchen with the tigers since we shared the same blood. I told him that i was ok where i was with Vin and that i really didn't feel like hanging out with my relatives... i did tell him though, that when Ryan Hall travels, he gets like hotels, gear drops, nice bathrooms, food, orphans to serve him, deer blood, and anything he wants. Since i am better than ryan hall, i deserve more.. but i guess all in due time.
Now, in order to have a perfect race, its all about the weather. A runner needs the Temperature to be in the upper 90s for race conditions to be perfect. you see, when it is that hot out, you sweat out all of the bad water, and then you can replace it with the good water. Now elites like me hire SLOW people to drive in golf carts and get me my "Me Fuel" which consists of my racing nutrients in a water bottle. Its good to sweat. its also good to be fast, so i guess you can't have it all.. haha.
Finally, in order to have a perfect race, you also need the following:
- Great training (200 mpw)
- Great health
- Great competition (yeah right, not when there are only 2 people in the world who can outrun me... One of them is named Pre and he is dead)
- Hills
- Hot 90 degree temperatures
- Saucony Brand Running Shoes
- Haley's comet
- Race-day magic
- Lose at least 20 pounds the night before a race.
Split Elapsed Time Notes
Mile 1: 4:49 4:49 Taking it easy.. Just to mess with iron mark
Mile 2: 4:48 9:37 keep it consistent
Mile 3: 4:45 14:22 now is when i throw in a hammer for training purposes
Mile 4: 5:00 19:22 This is where a 500 foot hill with a steep incline lies
Mile 5: 5:10 24:32 After a 1/2 mile of downhill, there's another hill of 300 ft
Mile 6; 5:05 29:37 I don't want to kill myself for tomorrow's w/o, holding back
Mile 7: 5:00 34:37 Figure i could make it a semi-progressive run
Mile 8: 4:50 39:27 Again. gotta throw in a hammer.
Mile 9: 5:00 44:27 I like this pace... its not recovery, but i figured i'd throw it in
Mile 10: 5:15 49:42 This is where there's a 600 ft 10 grade hill.. Mount Suckass
Mile 11: 5:10 54:52 There are two hills, both small, but may take it easy at 5:10
Mile 12: 5:05 59:57 Figure i'd progress it at this stage.
Mile 13: 4:45 1:04:42 Gotta lay a hammer down. This is my actual race pace.
Mile 0.1: 0:17 1:04:59 God gave me speed and i gotta use it.
Well, i spent the rest of the day just gameplanning on how i am going to destroy iron mark. But i think i may have to actually try against Chad Warehouse and Jeff Tonsilitis. So i decided that a 20 mile run at a 5:15 clip followed by 30 400s on the 1:15 (finish them in :55, 20 seconds rest... its like a recovery run). Laying in bed, i must have been antsy because my legs hurt and i felt really tired. So much for recovery. Guess we all can't be eminem.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Day 53: Running Fast Camp
Sorry friends for the delay in my blog reporting but i have taken shelter in the most ultimate and enduring training camps known to mankind (and womankind, but only those woman who run a 5k faster than 16:30, otherwise you are not considered for feedback purposes. Sorry, i don't create the rules, Pre does). I have been training at this camp for about 1.50 years now, so i would consider myself very familiar with the set up and the training regime.
The camp is run by the brother to the neighbor of an uncle who is somehow related to Greg McMillan, the so-called expert running guru guy. Now, G-Mac (as i call him) and I have had some differences in the past regarding what would constitute a "good training" program. he doesn't feel that my 20-mile recovery runs serve as a good recovery run when performed under 6:00 / mile. Whilst explaining to him that I time myself at 3:45 miles all the time for fun, he just doesn't get it. Kind of like a SLOW person with an NCAA bracket. He just randomly guesses what would make a good running program using idiot stuff like science, historical figures, statistics and analytics. Yeah, like that could prove anything. Anyways, enough about that idiot, you could always check out http://www.mcmillanrunning.com/ for more details.. Only if you were one of those SLOW people who could not break one hour for a half marathon.. then it might be of use to you. But then again, so could being fast so whatever.
Anyways, Coach Magellan assembles the camp by selecting a very elite crew. For this year's camp, you couldn't get more elite. it was like an A-LIST P Diddy White Party (or D Diddy Daddy Money or whatever he calls himself). First of all, you had a future olympic champion in myself, we had three random runners frm some tribe in kenya (not sure how coach found them, i think he just literally picked out three random people from a village... they didn't really seem to understand whats going on, but aren't all kenyans fast? So i figured they'd get it), we had former cycling champion Floyd Landis, we had Olympic Sprinter Michael Johnson, we had some guy who went to Oregon in 2002, and two chicks from the 2007 Stanford Women's National Champion NCAA Cross Country team, and a guy named Pedro. Pedro was pretty fast, he said he could run three minute miles too so we got along just famously because Game recognizes Game.
Day 1: We were woken up by the camp rooster Dick Spond (yes he has a name) at a nice bright and early time of 6:00 AM. The day began with an easy 5-mile warm-up followed by 40 repeat quarters on the minute which were performed at :47 by yours truly for the first 5. But you don't need to know the remaining 35, just know that i ran the first five in :47. Well i seemed to have taken to the workout well, but i was worried about pedro. I had a sneaking suspicion that he didn't have a championship running background as he stood there in a sleeveless undershirt, hanes briefs with a cup of coffee and a cigarette asking me if i liked to party... The first repeat was pretty fun although Michael Johnson pulled out after 200 with what appeared to be a hamstring injury and then Floyd asked me if we were testing... I said that i didn't think there'd be a test at the end of this because i didn't read any books lately nor was i instructed too.. He kind of laughed then had a cigarette with pedro.
Later that day i decided to eat lunch with the kenyans. I introduced myself to one of them, i couldn't pronounce his name so i decided to nickname him Cal and the other one Vin. Get it? yeah, the second one was named after famous actor Vin Diesel who starred in my favorite movie of all time, Babylon AD. Well they told me they were from a village on the north side of kenya and that they came to america to start a business. i asked them what mpw they were pushing and they asked me what mpw was. I said that it stood for miles per week and that everyone knew that.. For future reference, why don't you learn more about America! to which the one said that i was an idiot and that he knew more about america than i did. he asked me who our first president was. I said that our first president with the surname of bush was named George. They laughed... ahhh, we got along famously. I then proceeded to tell them about how bad we have it in america... about how my apartment is not big enough, about how little money my sponsor gives me, about how saucony brand running shoes when purchased at Dick Pond Running Stores can improve your luck with the ladies, about how AIDS isn't as popular here as it probably is there (yeah, not really a cool disease to have), about how the toilets flow one way. Then i decided to talk to them about my famous Park Ridge Charity Classic 5,000 metre classic from 2006 in which i won it. I explained every mile and how i felt. i talked about how in love the crowd was with me and about how the volunteers refused to set up a water bottle station for me (i am elite, this is what you do) or comp my $20 entry fee.... and how since they neglected those things, i vowed to never run it again to whcih they DQ'd my 13:57 course record and took my time out of the record books. By the time i finished, i realized that i had spoken for three hours straight and that Cal & Vin had already left the table. Damn.
I looked outside and saw that they were practicing running.... so i joined them. I got out there and ran with them for about a mile when i noticed the garmin showed a 7:44 clip. WTF! I asked them why they were running so SLOW. they said they were warming up... WHAT! i told them that warm-ups should be performed at a 94% age grade and that training should be at 97% age grade and that racing should be done at 100% age grade. They were pretty stunned and asked how many 100% age grades i have. I told them i currently have three. The mile (3:33 PR - 11/23/2010 behind my friends barn in Barrington, IL), the 10K (25:55 in a pole barn located in South Korea), and the marathon (1:59 - Olympic Trials 2012)! They laughed and said that it was very nice of me to share comedy with them. jerks. So i challenged them to another work out, the mile, but tomorrow....they gladly accepted.
Now Coach Magellan pulled the group together for what he called the best workout for an olympian. He set up the track as so...
straightaway #1 (100M) - Coach glued nails rightside up and left about two inches between each set. The goal was to teach you how to run on the front of your forefoot. He said that by stepping on nails, the body learns how to deal with running pain similar to record setting paces. it also teaches the body to correct the running form to a proper front forefoot strike. He said that the reason Meb didn't win the New York Marathon twice in a row was because of his improper foot strike. He also said it was because of his lack of Saucony Brand Running Shoes. It is reccomended that you do 40 X 100 on the :20. This will be a good first set.
The Turn #2 (100M) - Coach had me wear compression shorts with live scorpions residing in the underwear liner. The purpose behind the method was to learn how to run under pressure and to learn to position your crotch properly as it guides your thigh movement. He said that an improper thigh movement would upset the scorpions to the degree that they would sting the junk stored away in your trunk. He further stated that the scorpions were fully trained and were shown over 200 hours of footage highlighting proper thigh movement.
Pedro decided to preemptively try this exercise. He went about 20M when he fell to the ground. He shrieked in pain then seemed to get tired. I assumed it was because he was a smoker and SLOW becuase he just layed there. LIke a lazy bum. like Ashton Kutcher when Demi tries to introduce romance to the equation. Anyways, coach asked for the next runner. I stepped up to the plate. The first one went well, but then i felt the sting. Luckily the scorpion went for the grundle...otherwise i would have ended up on the ground. I ran about three more when i got tired..must... sleeep... now. and just fell onto the track. Must have been the soup i had eaten with the kenyans. Damn! I know better than to eat lentil soup in late march. what was i thinking? And to drink natural spring water too? That is a deadly combo to a runner attempting to run with scorpions near his crotch. Anyways, i woke up about 5 hours later to Floyd Landis slapping me. He then asked if it were cool if he could store some of his "stuff" in my bag. i said "yeah, whatever! just let me run!" so i finished the remaining 40 repetitions... with only three more stings. thank God i was wearing Saucony brand compression shorts, otherwise i don't think i would have survived. Pedro didn't. God rest his soul.
Awesome Straightaway #3 (100M): For this set, the coach set up onehundred hurdles. each with about an inch of room betwixt two hurdles. The purpose was to be able to jump and then control your landing whilst maintaining a sub-4 pace. Easy. Michael Johnson, who miraclously recovered from his morning hamstring injury earlier said he wanted to go first.... The coach was really excited. Then he ran five steps and said he was having some calf cramps and needed to sit this one out.. Cool! its all good. he is an olympic champion. he knows what his body needs. The stanford ladies were next. they moved like the wind until one of them caught the front of her foot on a hurdle, twisted in what appeared to be a cool hurricane dance move, and landed into the next three hurdles. There was a loud snapping sound which appeared to be the culmination of wood breaking and ankles twisting. a little blood was squirting, but a little blood never hurt anybody. Her teammate unseemingly appeared to be grossed out and ran to the cafeteria to get first aid. Coach said that a champion runner does not twist an ankle and that this was a sign that she would not win the workout today.
Finally, it was my turn. I ran the first ten with the strategy of running on top of each hurdle. Boom! There goes the dynamite. I killed it. I even think the Stanford girl was impressed when i used her butt as a cushion to support my next leap. Its good to get people involved in workouts. Especially when you are a future olympic champion. Now when i win the gold medal, she can say she "trained" with me and totally helped me along the way. Overall, i ran 40 repetitions.
The final turn gulley #4 (101M) Coach made this set one metre extra because of the dewel decimal point system. He said that although it sounded inane, it would make sense later on. We were not alone at the track this time, as there were wild cheetah, tigers, and lions on leashes set up. He said that in order to be a champion, we must defeat the champions of the animal kingdom. he then asked for a volunteer. one of the kenyans proudly stepped to the plate. He then said that there would one to 101 repetitions. it all depends upon if and when we win the race against all the animals. Cal chose the cheetah to start. Coach unleased the animal and it immediately ran towards the injured stanford runner still at the track. It must have liked her because it kept growling... She then pulled out the starters pistol and shot it... The cheetah did not move from there. I guess she found the "easy" way out of the workout. But what sucks is how am i going to beat the cheetah now? So i instead chose the tiger. Coach unleashed the tiger and it immediately took interest in me. Not that i could blame it. I look like Josh Hartnett and Fabio and that dude from The A Team all rolled into the body of Adonis. Well, the tiger approached me a little too close when the gun went off.. Boom! I started sprinting... I was about five metres ahead of it with about fifty to go, when the tiger went off course and ran towards the coach. He immediately said that practice was canceled and that we were to immediately run to the cafeteria building.
I decided that i was a champion and finished the run when the other tigers stood in front of me... so i stopped and was immediately surrounded. Now, i learned on National Geographic that tigers hate to listen to Pig Latin. so i said "Tigers, you are all Ussypays!". One of them growled in what appeared to be a laughing manner and then neared me a little closer. I was about to run when the other stanford girl started firing a gun in the air. This startled the animals and they soon ran away. I think one of them said "later bitch" and disappeared into the forest. So i did the most logical thing to do after a situation like this and finished the workout.
Now i write to you from my bed just thinking about how awesome running camp is. I asked my roommate Floyd what he thought about day one. He said that he was blogging on bikeawesome.com and didn't really have time to converse right now. what a great day. I can't wait for tomorrow. Coach promised to explain to me the proper mantra of a running champion
The camp is run by the brother to the neighbor of an uncle who is somehow related to Greg McMillan, the so-called expert running guru guy. Now, G-Mac (as i call him) and I have had some differences in the past regarding what would constitute a "good training" program. he doesn't feel that my 20-mile recovery runs serve as a good recovery run when performed under 6:00 / mile. Whilst explaining to him that I time myself at 3:45 miles all the time for fun, he just doesn't get it. Kind of like a SLOW person with an NCAA bracket. He just randomly guesses what would make a good running program using idiot stuff like science, historical figures, statistics and analytics. Yeah, like that could prove anything. Anyways, enough about that idiot, you could always check out http://www.mcmillanrunning.com/ for more details.. Only if you were one of those SLOW people who could not break one hour for a half marathon.. then it might be of use to you. But then again, so could being fast so whatever.
Anyways, Coach Magellan assembles the camp by selecting a very elite crew. For this year's camp, you couldn't get more elite. it was like an A-LIST P Diddy White Party (or D Diddy Daddy Money or whatever he calls himself). First of all, you had a future olympic champion in myself, we had three random runners frm some tribe in kenya (not sure how coach found them, i think he just literally picked out three random people from a village... they didn't really seem to understand whats going on, but aren't all kenyans fast? So i figured they'd get it), we had former cycling champion Floyd Landis, we had Olympic Sprinter Michael Johnson, we had some guy who went to Oregon in 2002, and two chicks from the 2007 Stanford Women's National Champion NCAA Cross Country team, and a guy named Pedro. Pedro was pretty fast, he said he could run three minute miles too so we got along just famously because Game recognizes Game.
Day 1: We were woken up by the camp rooster Dick Spond (yes he has a name) at a nice bright and early time of 6:00 AM. The day began with an easy 5-mile warm-up followed by 40 repeat quarters on the minute which were performed at :47 by yours truly for the first 5. But you don't need to know the remaining 35, just know that i ran the first five in :47. Well i seemed to have taken to the workout well, but i was worried about pedro. I had a sneaking suspicion that he didn't have a championship running background as he stood there in a sleeveless undershirt, hanes briefs with a cup of coffee and a cigarette asking me if i liked to party... The first repeat was pretty fun although Michael Johnson pulled out after 200 with what appeared to be a hamstring injury and then Floyd asked me if we were testing... I said that i didn't think there'd be a test at the end of this because i didn't read any books lately nor was i instructed too.. He kind of laughed then had a cigarette with pedro.
Later that day i decided to eat lunch with the kenyans. I introduced myself to one of them, i couldn't pronounce his name so i decided to nickname him Cal and the other one Vin. Get it? yeah, the second one was named after famous actor Vin Diesel who starred in my favorite movie of all time, Babylon AD. Well they told me they were from a village on the north side of kenya and that they came to america to start a business. i asked them what mpw they were pushing and they asked me what mpw was. I said that it stood for miles per week and that everyone knew that.. For future reference, why don't you learn more about America! to which the one said that i was an idiot and that he knew more about america than i did. he asked me who our first president was. I said that our first president with the surname of bush was named George. They laughed... ahhh, we got along famously. I then proceeded to tell them about how bad we have it in america... about how my apartment is not big enough, about how little money my sponsor gives me, about how saucony brand running shoes when purchased at Dick Pond Running Stores can improve your luck with the ladies, about how AIDS isn't as popular here as it probably is there (yeah, not really a cool disease to have), about how the toilets flow one way. Then i decided to talk to them about my famous Park Ridge Charity Classic 5,000 metre classic from 2006 in which i won it. I explained every mile and how i felt. i talked about how in love the crowd was with me and about how the volunteers refused to set up a water bottle station for me (i am elite, this is what you do) or comp my $20 entry fee.... and how since they neglected those things, i vowed to never run it again to whcih they DQ'd my 13:57 course record and took my time out of the record books. By the time i finished, i realized that i had spoken for three hours straight and that Cal & Vin had already left the table. Damn.
I looked outside and saw that they were practicing running.... so i joined them. I got out there and ran with them for about a mile when i noticed the garmin showed a 7:44 clip. WTF! I asked them why they were running so SLOW. they said they were warming up... WHAT! i told them that warm-ups should be performed at a 94% age grade and that training should be at 97% age grade and that racing should be done at 100% age grade. They were pretty stunned and asked how many 100% age grades i have. I told them i currently have three. The mile (3:33 PR - 11/23/2010 behind my friends barn in Barrington, IL), the 10K (25:55 in a pole barn located in South Korea), and the marathon (1:59 - Olympic Trials 2012)! They laughed and said that it was very nice of me to share comedy with them. jerks. So i challenged them to another work out, the mile, but tomorrow....they gladly accepted.
Now Coach Magellan pulled the group together for what he called the best workout for an olympian. He set up the track as so...
straightaway #1 (100M) - Coach glued nails rightside up and left about two inches between each set. The goal was to teach you how to run on the front of your forefoot. He said that by stepping on nails, the body learns how to deal with running pain similar to record setting paces. it also teaches the body to correct the running form to a proper front forefoot strike. He said that the reason Meb didn't win the New York Marathon twice in a row was because of his improper foot strike. He also said it was because of his lack of Saucony Brand Running Shoes. It is reccomended that you do 40 X 100 on the :20. This will be a good first set.
The Turn #2 (100M) - Coach had me wear compression shorts with live scorpions residing in the underwear liner. The purpose behind the method was to learn how to run under pressure and to learn to position your crotch properly as it guides your thigh movement. He said that an improper thigh movement would upset the scorpions to the degree that they would sting the junk stored away in your trunk. He further stated that the scorpions were fully trained and were shown over 200 hours of footage highlighting proper thigh movement.
Pedro decided to preemptively try this exercise. He went about 20M when he fell to the ground. He shrieked in pain then seemed to get tired. I assumed it was because he was a smoker and SLOW becuase he just layed there. LIke a lazy bum. like Ashton Kutcher when Demi tries to introduce romance to the equation. Anyways, coach asked for the next runner. I stepped up to the plate. The first one went well, but then i felt the sting. Luckily the scorpion went for the grundle...otherwise i would have ended up on the ground. I ran about three more when i got tired..must... sleeep... now. and just fell onto the track. Must have been the soup i had eaten with the kenyans. Damn! I know better than to eat lentil soup in late march. what was i thinking? And to drink natural spring water too? That is a deadly combo to a runner attempting to run with scorpions near his crotch. Anyways, i woke up about 5 hours later to Floyd Landis slapping me. He then asked if it were cool if he could store some of his "stuff" in my bag. i said "yeah, whatever! just let me run!" so i finished the remaining 40 repetitions... with only three more stings. thank God i was wearing Saucony brand compression shorts, otherwise i don't think i would have survived. Pedro didn't. God rest his soul.
Awesome Straightaway #3 (100M): For this set, the coach set up onehundred hurdles. each with about an inch of room betwixt two hurdles. The purpose was to be able to jump and then control your landing whilst maintaining a sub-4 pace. Easy. Michael Johnson, who miraclously recovered from his morning hamstring injury earlier said he wanted to go first.... The coach was really excited. Then he ran five steps and said he was having some calf cramps and needed to sit this one out.. Cool! its all good. he is an olympic champion. he knows what his body needs. The stanford ladies were next. they moved like the wind until one of them caught the front of her foot on a hurdle, twisted in what appeared to be a cool hurricane dance move, and landed into the next three hurdles. There was a loud snapping sound which appeared to be the culmination of wood breaking and ankles twisting. a little blood was squirting, but a little blood never hurt anybody. Her teammate unseemingly appeared to be grossed out and ran to the cafeteria to get first aid. Coach said that a champion runner does not twist an ankle and that this was a sign that she would not win the workout today.
Finally, it was my turn. I ran the first ten with the strategy of running on top of each hurdle. Boom! There goes the dynamite. I killed it. I even think the Stanford girl was impressed when i used her butt as a cushion to support my next leap. Its good to get people involved in workouts. Especially when you are a future olympic champion. Now when i win the gold medal, she can say she "trained" with me and totally helped me along the way. Overall, i ran 40 repetitions.
The final turn gulley #4 (101M) Coach made this set one metre extra because of the dewel decimal point system. He said that although it sounded inane, it would make sense later on. We were not alone at the track this time, as there were wild cheetah, tigers, and lions on leashes set up. He said that in order to be a champion, we must defeat the champions of the animal kingdom. he then asked for a volunteer. one of the kenyans proudly stepped to the plate. He then said that there would one to 101 repetitions. it all depends upon if and when we win the race against all the animals. Cal chose the cheetah to start. Coach unleased the animal and it immediately ran towards the injured stanford runner still at the track. It must have liked her because it kept growling... She then pulled out the starters pistol and shot it... The cheetah did not move from there. I guess she found the "easy" way out of the workout. But what sucks is how am i going to beat the cheetah now? So i instead chose the tiger. Coach unleashed the tiger and it immediately took interest in me. Not that i could blame it. I look like Josh Hartnett and Fabio and that dude from The A Team all rolled into the body of Adonis. Well, the tiger approached me a little too close when the gun went off.. Boom! I started sprinting... I was about five metres ahead of it with about fifty to go, when the tiger went off course and ran towards the coach. He immediately said that practice was canceled and that we were to immediately run to the cafeteria building.
I decided that i was a champion and finished the run when the other tigers stood in front of me... so i stopped and was immediately surrounded. Now, i learned on National Geographic that tigers hate to listen to Pig Latin. so i said "Tigers, you are all Ussypays!". One of them growled in what appeared to be a laughing manner and then neared me a little closer. I was about to run when the other stanford girl started firing a gun in the air. This startled the animals and they soon ran away. I think one of them said "later bitch" and disappeared into the forest. So i did the most logical thing to do after a situation like this and finished the workout.
Now i write to you from my bed just thinking about how awesome running camp is. I asked my roommate Floyd what he thought about day one. He said that he was blogging on bikeawesome.com and didn't really have time to converse right now. what a great day. I can't wait for tomorrow. Coach promised to explain to me the proper mantra of a running champion
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Day 41: Par-fect Day
By golly, the days are flying by when you are doing something that is extremely fun with your life, which in this case, is: Not working to focus on training, running at painful paces, going to bed early, waking up earlier, skipping out on a social life (unless you call that conversation about the weather i have with Mindy, my McDonald's Barista... when its a $1 coffee, keep those refills coming girl), skipping out on friends birthday parties, baby showers, weddings, actual showers, not going on dates (unless you call that google search on my e-harmony love a date), and overall, just being fast and awesome. I don't know why more people don't try this. I mean, as long as you are not SLOW, then it pretty much takes nothing out of your schedule. Just 14 hours per day dedicated to running, talking about running, looking up stuff about running, scheduling your running, dreaming about running, and watching that awesome show on ABC Family "Pretty Little Liars"... ooh! i think i know who murdered that girl, but i don't want to spoil the surprises!!!
By now in Chicago, the spring has arrived and everything has thawed out, including my super tight and uber awesome compression shorts which i only save for the first truly good running day in march. These puppies sport a 3" inseam and allow me to run at substantially rapid paces! These shorts go really good with a pair of Saucony brand running shoes which are available for sale at a Kock Lakes Running Store near you! Not to totally pimp Saucony brand running shoes, but my friend Iron Mark once fell off a bike and broke his femur bone in half... So i put on a pair of saucony brand running shoes and was able to have probably the 30th best Tempo run of my life, they are JUST THAT GOOD! My friend Iron Mark ended up hospitalized, but that is the least interesting part of the story..
So today i decided that since it was sunny and thawed out, i would run at a local Golf Course. There was one down the street from my humble abode, called Ridge Run. How fitting that the name of the place had "run" in it..because that is exactly what i was going to do.. hahahaha! Ok, so sometimes these things aren't as funny on paper as they are in my pants. Err, wait! nevermind. anyways, the plan was to run the five miles to the place at an easy 4:58 clip. Once there, i was going to do one repeat quarter for every hole on the 1:00 repetition so that i could finish them at a 0:48 and still have twelve seconds rest before the next one. Then I was going to do some hill repeats, on the RIDGE, and then run the 5 miles back home at a slow 5:02.10 clip. All in all it was going to be about 16 miles of running, which would give me a good workout before my nightime run.
So i left my apartment and headed for the golf course. It was around noon, so there werent too many SLOW people and cars on the road. The suckers were probably eating... haha! Who eats lunch at noon? Who eats lunch at all? I no longer live by the traditional meal.. i cook 10 chicken breasts and dice them up on a daily basis and then every 45 minutes i have to have 5 ounces. This is followed by 8 ounces of water, then 1 tbsp of salt, and a drop of mongoose blood. I have found that this concoction will reduce injuries by 1.205% over a three year time span. You just have to get cycled on it early. Anyways, i arrived at the golf course which my garmin showed was 5.15 miles away in 25:33.. Stupid garmin! Love and hate relationship.
So i begin at the first hole, when there were some old ladies practicing teeing off or something.. I told them that i was practicing too, at being awesome and an Olympian, and that if they are lucky, i will allow for them to watch me run. Now my sexiness may have caught them off guard, because they very hesitant to speak for the next two and a half minutes as i started at them and lifted a little shirt to show some bare midriff. Then i said "You wish" and took off for my first quarter repeat... I was near completion of it in around :55 (way off goal pace, must be the weather), when a ball had landed five feet to my left. "FORE" i heard one of the ladies yell which was followed by laughter. "HEY" i yelled back at them... "What is your deal? Olympian in training here, can't you read the shirt" It was true, i was wearing a t-shirt that said Olympian in Training on the front and back. This way people would know, especially the SLOW ones, who could then make adjustments on their part to let me train. "Ooops, sorry mr. tom selleck". Damn! Did they just call me tom selleck? he is like old and has a mustache.... albeit a pretty awesome mustache, but a mustache nonetheless. "Women" i mumbled to myself and began quarter repeat #2. Now i finished this quarter at the green, where i saw an old man with a top hat about to putt.. "Excuse ME! Sir! Excuse Me!" i yelled... He shanked the putt and threw his club in my general direction.. "Ooh! nike golf clubs.. nice! anyways, do you have the time?" He said "2:15, now scram!" I asked "and how many seconds?" he asked why and i explained that i was just trying to verify my garmin becuase it clocked me at a 0:57 quarter mile when i know in deed that i ran a 0:44.. Damn Central Time Zone... The old guy looked confused and angry in a way, so i proceeded...
I hit my next ten quarters fairly easily, but at a 0:59 average. Must be my shoes. I knew i should have wore the ones with the longer spikes.. oh well, only six more quarters to go before hill repeats. I was about to go out for repeat #13 when some dude on a cart approached me. "Excuse me sir, are you a member here? And what the hell are you doing.. and wearing i might add?" I didn't appreciate his attitude. Save the Haterade for at home with your average wife, and average kids, and average luxury car from an average year with all of its SLOWness! I explained exactly what i was doing and he explained exactly how soon the cops would be arriving. So i decided to bunch all of the quarters together in one terrific sprint towards home. Amazingly my average was 0:55 which definitely may have been inspired by the fear of going to jail. i have already been there twice this training period.. no need to go there again.
So i was running home, when i noticed on the bumper of a car a "Golf Medinah! Winning!" sticker. Hmm! This Medinah Country Club you say... i am sure they are dying to have an Olympian as a member, for free with unlimited training... i will have to get in touch with their people. Well i finished the five miles this time in 29:55 which is just a shade slower than molasses. Damn it! The day is ruined... I feel like spartacus in episode six when batiatus brings him his wife and then has her killed in one evil and gruesome set up (refer to spartacus: blood and sand, and do yourself a favor and watch it).
Anyways, before i go, i wanted to touch on this "Minimalist" Movement with footwear that i keep seeing. Why do SLOW people spend money on things which they feel makes them look faster. Guess what! Your body is not made for barefoot, minimalist running. The people who do that have trained their bodies over the years to do so and are much, much faster than you. The shoes will not make you faster. Actually training faster and running faster will make you faster. Just wear the shoes you are most comfortable with. give this dream up. No one is fooled by your SLOW ass times when you're wearing a pair of Vibram Fivefingers.. In fact you loook about the same as a fat dude in a speedo and a pair of Teva Sandals at a pool in las vegas hitting on twenty year old women. Or about as lame as this dorky Triathlon Podium for age groupers:
IN summary, if you are NOT FAST, do not pretend to be FAST by wearing minimalist shoes. About 90% of SLOW people who do so, end up injured. About 100% of SLOW people who do so, do NOT run faster times. The more you know.. doo doo do do!
By now in Chicago, the spring has arrived and everything has thawed out, including my super tight and uber awesome compression shorts which i only save for the first truly good running day in march. These puppies sport a 3" inseam and allow me to run at substantially rapid paces! These shorts go really good with a pair of Saucony brand running shoes which are available for sale at a Kock Lakes Running Store near you! Not to totally pimp Saucony brand running shoes, but my friend Iron Mark once fell off a bike and broke his femur bone in half... So i put on a pair of saucony brand running shoes and was able to have probably the 30th best Tempo run of my life, they are JUST THAT GOOD! My friend Iron Mark ended up hospitalized, but that is the least interesting part of the story..
So today i decided that since it was sunny and thawed out, i would run at a local Golf Course. There was one down the street from my humble abode, called Ridge Run. How fitting that the name of the place had "run" in it..because that is exactly what i was going to do.. hahahaha! Ok, so sometimes these things aren't as funny on paper as they are in my pants. Err, wait! nevermind. anyways, the plan was to run the five miles to the place at an easy 4:58 clip. Once there, i was going to do one repeat quarter for every hole on the 1:00 repetition so that i could finish them at a 0:48 and still have twelve seconds rest before the next one. Then I was going to do some hill repeats, on the RIDGE, and then run the 5 miles back home at a slow 5:02.10 clip. All in all it was going to be about 16 miles of running, which would give me a good workout before my nightime run.
So i left my apartment and headed for the golf course. It was around noon, so there werent too many SLOW people and cars on the road. The suckers were probably eating... haha! Who eats lunch at noon? Who eats lunch at all? I no longer live by the traditional meal.. i cook 10 chicken breasts and dice them up on a daily basis and then every 45 minutes i have to have 5 ounces. This is followed by 8 ounces of water, then 1 tbsp of salt, and a drop of mongoose blood. I have found that this concoction will reduce injuries by 1.205% over a three year time span. You just have to get cycled on it early. Anyways, i arrived at the golf course which my garmin showed was 5.15 miles away in 25:33.. Stupid garmin! Love and hate relationship.
So i begin at the first hole, when there were some old ladies practicing teeing off or something.. I told them that i was practicing too, at being awesome and an Olympian, and that if they are lucky, i will allow for them to watch me run. Now my sexiness may have caught them off guard, because they very hesitant to speak for the next two and a half minutes as i started at them and lifted a little shirt to show some bare midriff. Then i said "You wish" and took off for my first quarter repeat... I was near completion of it in around :55 (way off goal pace, must be the weather), when a ball had landed five feet to my left. "FORE" i heard one of the ladies yell which was followed by laughter. "HEY" i yelled back at them... "What is your deal? Olympian in training here, can't you read the shirt" It was true, i was wearing a t-shirt that said Olympian in Training on the front and back. This way people would know, especially the SLOW ones, who could then make adjustments on their part to let me train. "Ooops, sorry mr. tom selleck". Damn! Did they just call me tom selleck? he is like old and has a mustache.... albeit a pretty awesome mustache, but a mustache nonetheless. "Women" i mumbled to myself and began quarter repeat #2. Now i finished this quarter at the green, where i saw an old man with a top hat about to putt.. "Excuse ME! Sir! Excuse Me!" i yelled... He shanked the putt and threw his club in my general direction.. "Ooh! nike golf clubs.. nice! anyways, do you have the time?" He said "2:15, now scram!" I asked "and how many seconds?" he asked why and i explained that i was just trying to verify my garmin becuase it clocked me at a 0:57 quarter mile when i know in deed that i ran a 0:44.. Damn Central Time Zone... The old guy looked confused and angry in a way, so i proceeded...
I hit my next ten quarters fairly easily, but at a 0:59 average. Must be my shoes. I knew i should have wore the ones with the longer spikes.. oh well, only six more quarters to go before hill repeats. I was about to go out for repeat #13 when some dude on a cart approached me. "Excuse me sir, are you a member here? And what the hell are you doing.. and wearing i might add?" I didn't appreciate his attitude. Save the Haterade for at home with your average wife, and average kids, and average luxury car from an average year with all of its SLOWness! I explained exactly what i was doing and he explained exactly how soon the cops would be arriving. So i decided to bunch all of the quarters together in one terrific sprint towards home. Amazingly my average was 0:55 which definitely may have been inspired by the fear of going to jail. i have already been there twice this training period.. no need to go there again.
So i was running home, when i noticed on the bumper of a car a "Golf Medinah! Winning!" sticker. Hmm! This Medinah Country Club you say... i am sure they are dying to have an Olympian as a member, for free with unlimited training... i will have to get in touch with their people. Well i finished the five miles this time in 29:55 which is just a shade slower than molasses. Damn it! The day is ruined... I feel like spartacus in episode six when batiatus brings him his wife and then has her killed in one evil and gruesome set up (refer to spartacus: blood and sand, and do yourself a favor and watch it).
Anyways, before i go, i wanted to touch on this "Minimalist" Movement with footwear that i keep seeing. Why do SLOW people spend money on things which they feel makes them look faster. Guess what! Your body is not made for barefoot, minimalist running. The people who do that have trained their bodies over the years to do so and are much, much faster than you. The shoes will not make you faster. Actually training faster and running faster will make you faster. Just wear the shoes you are most comfortable with. give this dream up. No one is fooled by your SLOW ass times when you're wearing a pair of Vibram Fivefingers.. In fact you loook about the same as a fat dude in a speedo and a pair of Teva Sandals at a pool in las vegas hitting on twenty year old women. Or about as lame as this dorky Triathlon Podium for age groupers:
IN summary, if you are NOT FAST, do not pretend to be FAST by wearing minimalist shoes. About 90% of SLOW people who do so, end up injured. About 100% of SLOW people who do so, do NOT run faster times. The more you know.. doo doo do do!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Day 35:
Today's morning run was a very difficult one to endure. I felt that i was ready for it, but when i went out to the track to do it, i came up very short. Sometimes, as a fast runner, it can be very difficult to accept failure. It can be very hard to be like a human, or SLOW person, and admit error. But i will be forward about it. Today i decided to test my theory of the two minute mile clip deduction and see if in perfect weather it would hold up on a track.
This morning's workout was set at 4 X 800 on the 3:00 (which gives me a minute rest and prepares my legs for the mile time trial) followed by two one mile time trials (goal time of 3:10) followed by 10 X 800 on the 2:50. Now to the SLOW person this may seem like a challenging workout but its not tough at all. I mean if Ryan Hall can do it (minus the 3:10 mile splits because he's a pussy) then it should be a piece of cake for me. Now, not actually a piece of cake. I haven't had a carb since 2004. My body is on a very strict diet which began with gel packs and has since evolved to include Horse Tranquilizers, Whale Semen, Honduran Bananas, Cambodian Goat Milk, Swiss Cocao bean, Orphan blood, Lance Armstrong blood (doping purposes), HGH, Steroids, Snickerdoodle cookies, and 75% whole wheat pasta with lamb ears and turkey gobblers. But anyways, i digress... back to the workout.
I hit my first 800 on the 1:58. Thank God! It was not fast by any means but it meant that i could enjoy a minute rest. What to do, what to do? I haven't had a minute rest for a while... I decided that for this first break i would think about all the stuff going on in Lebagypt or Afghanarod or texass... wherever all that turmoil is going on.. It made me sad and stuff because i thought about how war was making those people so sad and how they were starving and how Sally Struthers needed me to donate money.. OH SHIT! Time for interval two.... I hit this 800 at 2:25! How could this be? It must have been because the air was below 40 degrees. My body only performs at certain temperatures... Like Phil Collins singing about "In the Air Tonight". Oh well..all that mattered was the two 3:10 mile time trials.. i hit my next two 800s at 2:04 & 2:10, respectively, which means that my father will not want to talk to me on this day. he always said that he only raises winners and that winning was in our genes. When i took second in a race while in high school, he would always pretend i was some other person's kid because he was embarrassed about it. But i can understand where he's coming from though... Its a very good way to raise a child and teach them early on that society only loves people who win. Everyone else is just a smelly loser...
The first mile time trial of the season... oh boy! I brought in a large time clock just so i could see where i was at for each lap. The gun went off...(in my head... there was no one else there and i didn't really feel like bringing a gun to a high school track). I hit the first lap at 50 and was feeling good. Although it was off of my goal pace of 47 second laps, this was the beginning of the year and this was something to build on. In the middle of the second lap, i started to have a panic attack orsomething. I know that the herpes flu is going around so maybe it was that because my legs started to hurt and feel numb as i turned over and my breathing was getting deeper and heavy like Britney Spears at an orgy being hosted by the Old Country Buffet. I hit lap two at 2:00 exactly.. uh oh, there might not be a sub-4 today. Which is ok. Lap three was excruciatingly painful.. i think it might have been the vulcanized rubber of the track. And what the hell does vulcanized mean? I remember that Spock was a vulcan in Star Trek so maybe the US government had aliens ship us this rubber so that we could run on it...ooh! Cramps.... But was it that time of the month... This was painful.. Like Charlie Sheen having to deal with the stress of working on the set of "Two and a half men".. Boom, had to do the joke. But seriously, i hit the third lap at 3:13.. ouch! Now the final lap was just odd. I lost feeling in both feet and was struggling to breathe through my nose as some weird nature concoction of snot, puke, and reeses peanut butter cups seemed to reside there... Each breath felt like it would be the last... ouch! ouch! But then i surged. I started to think about how bad i wanted to finish this run.... I ended up finishing in the SLOW time of 4:21.. ouch! This was absolutely pathetic... and i couldn't do anything but lay down for an hour... Although the ground was cold, i needed it.
When i woke up, there was a man with a mustache prodding me with a rake and talking into the radio. His name was Sam and he was a Virgo.. How did i know he was a virgo, you ask? Because he is an asshole and i am a leo and i absolutely hate Virgos... With the only exception being hot ladies. Well he told me that the high school team had to use the track.. I told him about myself, my dream and how much better than high schoolers i was because i was an Olympian! He then called security who escorted me to my car. Damn! I still had six miles of racing to go...
So i decided to run around the parking lot. I finished my second mile time trial in 4:25, which would have been faster if that high school dork didn't run in my way after i yelled "TRACK" and pushed him into a car. The 800s sucked too as i averaged 2:07 for the remainder of the workout. During my 10 mile cooldown i thought about what went wrong.. why was today a failure. The only answer i could come up with was that i didn't drink a monster low carb energy drink like i usually do... Oh well.. I hope i can hit my 25 miler at the goal pace of 5:10 tomorrow... Otherwise i will get a female reproductive organ tattooed on my legs with the initials "R.H." because that is who i will be if i can't get this training done right.
This morning's workout was set at 4 X 800 on the 3:00 (which gives me a minute rest and prepares my legs for the mile time trial) followed by two one mile time trials (goal time of 3:10) followed by 10 X 800 on the 2:50. Now to the SLOW person this may seem like a challenging workout but its not tough at all. I mean if Ryan Hall can do it (minus the 3:10 mile splits because he's a pussy) then it should be a piece of cake for me. Now, not actually a piece of cake. I haven't had a carb since 2004. My body is on a very strict diet which began with gel packs and has since evolved to include Horse Tranquilizers, Whale Semen, Honduran Bananas, Cambodian Goat Milk, Swiss Cocao bean, Orphan blood, Lance Armstrong blood (doping purposes), HGH, Steroids, Snickerdoodle cookies, and 75% whole wheat pasta with lamb ears and turkey gobblers. But anyways, i digress... back to the workout.
I hit my first 800 on the 1:58. Thank God! It was not fast by any means but it meant that i could enjoy a minute rest. What to do, what to do? I haven't had a minute rest for a while... I decided that for this first break i would think about all the stuff going on in Lebagypt or Afghanarod or texass... wherever all that turmoil is going on.. It made me sad and stuff because i thought about how war was making those people so sad and how they were starving and how Sally Struthers needed me to donate money.. OH SHIT! Time for interval two.... I hit this 800 at 2:25! How could this be? It must have been because the air was below 40 degrees. My body only performs at certain temperatures... Like Phil Collins singing about "In the Air Tonight". Oh well..all that mattered was the two 3:10 mile time trials.. i hit my next two 800s at 2:04 & 2:10, respectively, which means that my father will not want to talk to me on this day. he always said that he only raises winners and that winning was in our genes. When i took second in a race while in high school, he would always pretend i was some other person's kid because he was embarrassed about it. But i can understand where he's coming from though... Its a very good way to raise a child and teach them early on that society only loves people who win. Everyone else is just a smelly loser...
The first mile time trial of the season... oh boy! I brought in a large time clock just so i could see where i was at for each lap. The gun went off...(in my head... there was no one else there and i didn't really feel like bringing a gun to a high school track). I hit the first lap at 50 and was feeling good. Although it was off of my goal pace of 47 second laps, this was the beginning of the year and this was something to build on. In the middle of the second lap, i started to have a panic attack orsomething. I know that the herpes flu is going around so maybe it was that because my legs started to hurt and feel numb as i turned over and my breathing was getting deeper and heavy like Britney Spears at an orgy being hosted by the Old Country Buffet. I hit lap two at 2:00 exactly.. uh oh, there might not be a sub-4 today. Which is ok. Lap three was excruciatingly painful.. i think it might have been the vulcanized rubber of the track. And what the hell does vulcanized mean? I remember that Spock was a vulcan in Star Trek so maybe the US government had aliens ship us this rubber so that we could run on it...ooh! Cramps.... But was it that time of the month... This was painful.. Like Charlie Sheen having to deal with the stress of working on the set of "Two and a half men".. Boom, had to do the joke. But seriously, i hit the third lap at 3:13.. ouch! Now the final lap was just odd. I lost feeling in both feet and was struggling to breathe through my nose as some weird nature concoction of snot, puke, and reeses peanut butter cups seemed to reside there... Each breath felt like it would be the last... ouch! ouch! But then i surged. I started to think about how bad i wanted to finish this run.... I ended up finishing in the SLOW time of 4:21.. ouch! This was absolutely pathetic... and i couldn't do anything but lay down for an hour... Although the ground was cold, i needed it.
When i woke up, there was a man with a mustache prodding me with a rake and talking into the radio. His name was Sam and he was a Virgo.. How did i know he was a virgo, you ask? Because he is an asshole and i am a leo and i absolutely hate Virgos... With the only exception being hot ladies. Well he told me that the high school team had to use the track.. I told him about myself, my dream and how much better than high schoolers i was because i was an Olympian! He then called security who escorted me to my car. Damn! I still had six miles of racing to go...
So i decided to run around the parking lot. I finished my second mile time trial in 4:25, which would have been faster if that high school dork didn't run in my way after i yelled "TRACK" and pushed him into a car. The 800s sucked too as i averaged 2:07 for the remainder of the workout. During my 10 mile cooldown i thought about what went wrong.. why was today a failure. The only answer i could come up with was that i didn't drink a monster low carb energy drink like i usually do... Oh well.. I hope i can hit my 25 miler at the goal pace of 5:10 tomorrow... Otherwise i will get a female reproductive organ tattooed on my legs with the initials "R.H." because that is who i will be if i can't get this training done right.
Days 32, 33 & 34: Feeling kinda Windy
Running through the last few days of winter kind of gives a runner a new sense of appreciation for life. I love this time of year, when the snow finally melts and instead of tights i can wear my 3 inch seamed compression shorts. I can finally bask in the sunshine as i feel each ray touch each hairless spot of my leg! You see, i shave my legs regularly in order to prevent chafage and wind resistance which equates to faster times... Plus, the women really prefer to have a man who can show off his well oiled, shaven legs which have less hair than their legs. i usually go to this salon in the city, its on diversey and sheffield... ask for raul. But anyways, i digress..
Today to celebrate the spring frolic, i decided to run through the city and bask in all of the greatness that is the City of Wind. I called my cousin, Iron Stan, up and asked him if he wanted to run with me. I told him that i was only planning on going 16 miles at a 5:50 clip. He laughed and asked what i was really planning on doing today. Fricking SLOW people. Seriously, if i wanted to run SLOW like at a 6:10 clip, i would carry a camera with me to take pictures of crap. But unlike my lame cousin, i needed to hit this run at what was already a pathetic pace...ugh.
So i plotted out a little course which involved some major streets like Michigan, Huron, and Clark (Site seeing) and some parts of the Lake Shore Path (More site seeing) plus some loops around Wrigley Field (to get a better understanding of what losing means so i know how to avoid it). I started off from Southport and Fullerton and made my way north to Wrigleyville. Now the sidewalks were filled with SLOW and FAT people so i made sure to take to the streets so that i could hit my clip... It was such a beautiful day out, there were people everywhere basking in its greatness and i got to see all of these beautiful cars lined up and down the street. I think people took notice of my running prowess because there soon was a line of cars lined up for miles consisting of people who probably made up my fan base. I just waved at them and let my iPOD just DJ the day away.. Boom, i hit mile 1 at a 5:35. excellent!
i ran by wrigley field and noticed that there already decorations for what should be a season for the ages. Now, i myself am not a true Cubs fan, my allegiance belongs to the detroit tigers, but i do enjoy rooting for them at home games every now and again. Besides, i look at all of the fans and i think about how i do not want to be that disappointed by not making the Olympics and by not beating that running pussy, Ryan Hall. These thoughts, plus the sight of ten frat kids forcing themselves to puke outside of Harry Carays, made me pick up the pace. Now as i was escaping the wrigleyville, i noticed that there were a lot of chairs aligned with the cars. Ah, all of those SLOW people... They can't even make it 50 feet from their homes without needing to take refuge in a chair.. idiots. I hit mile three at a 5:34 clip.. means things are picking up...
I headed down Clark towards the Lake Shore Drive as my next stage would be the lake shore path. Now i don't know why, but i was starting to feel a little sick. What could it be? It most certainly was not the arousing potpourri which filled the air consisting of garbage left on the streets and homeless people who themselves reeked of the what appeared to be the opposite of Subway (eat fresh?)... If not for that, i began to take comfort in the aromas coming from twelve different types of restaurants and the fumes coming from the millions of cars which filled the streets. Yuck! I guess the hippies finally got something right through promoting more bike usage....or roller blading.
Once i hit the lake shore path, i started to notice that the bad smells in the air were quickly replaced by an incorrigible aura of douchebaggery. Running up and down the lake shore path, were what appeared to be pages 12, 13 & 15 of the Men's activewear section of the Nordstrom's Spring 2010 catalog. I don't know why SLOW people feel the need to coordinate each and every part of their out fit... and how many pairs of those crappy Reebok Zig Zag shoes do people wear. They are not even running shoes.. Rule of thumb for life, if Cindy Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins endorses anything and you purchase said item... Move to canada. Quit the USA. Do us a favor. If not for the matching dudes, there were many packs of SLOW runners hording up every square inch of trail they could.. I tried to get by one group of badgers (they literally looked like badgers.. one of the ladies looked like this guy i used to play hockey with).. They were moving at quite possibly the slowest pace one could go without walking. I yelled "TRACK, TRACK, TRACK" to no avail. In fact, they spread out which resulted in less real estate being made available on the path. It was like a garage sale at Donald Trump's house, minus the awesome hair. Damn, that man has phenomenal hair! Since i could not yell at them to move i decided to sprint and push them out of my way... I moved forward and began shoving the ladies from side to side. Little did i know that some biker asshole was also coming from the other side.. he yelled "LANCE, LANCE" to which i yelled "TRACK, TRACK". The end result was yet another runner hit biker accident and i was the only one left standing. oh well. I just hit mile 8 and the clip dropped to 5:44... Fricking COWS. I gotta make this pace up.
The path seemed to clear up once i got south enough... I was soon running down Michigan Avenue. big pimping spending cheese.. big pimping... P-I-M-P. Oh man, this was the life as a runner. I saw all of the big buildings, the advertisements, and the taxi cab ... (BOOM). As i got up from the ground, i couldn't help but notice the blood dripping from my leeg.. Not again. Well at least this time i could feel my legs and i felt fine.. I was about to leave when i heard what appeared to be some form of a German accent in the background. It was the driver and he smelled like a fresh sausage dipped in chocolate and aged over 30 years in a humidor which also contained Paris Hilton's virginity... Rather than spend more time with this dude i began to run some more... I noticed he started to chase me, so i took refuge in the Macy's down the block. As i ran through each aisle, i couldn't help but notice that the SLOW people were becoming startled... well excuse me, i am trying to train here. Didn't mean to interrupt your unimportant waste of a day spent shopping and probably discussing the latest episode of Jersey Shore with your girlfreinds over at some trendy bar in the River north neighborhood.... Oh and you're not hot. Maybe twelve years ago but to quote varsity blues "Things change MOX!". But i digress... I was just exiting the store when i looked at my watch and it read 15 miles at a 5:50 clip. But the watch stopped..DAMN IT! How much extra have i run?
I brought it up to the manager about making the store more Garmin friendly. The manager, who was a grown ass man wearing a suit, with a graphic tee shirt underneath, a tie over the douche tee, and an Ed Hardy hat explained to me that i was in his place of business. I told him that "business" was a pretty big word for a guy whose only glory was playing on the freshman basketball team in high school and who failed out of Phoenix University online five times.... He said that he graduated from Phoenix after only failing twice, because his mom told him he would have to move out of the basement if he failed it a third time. I said that his story was kind of like how the cock crowed three times for Peter...he then gave me his number.
Well i left the store and was able to finish my run. 16 miles at a 5:52 cllip. While this was by no means impressive to even OBAMA standards... it was a good start to a good day. I got to see the city and it prepared me for the 21 mile run i faced this evening.
Seacrest out
Today to celebrate the spring frolic, i decided to run through the city and bask in all of the greatness that is the City of Wind. I called my cousin, Iron Stan, up and asked him if he wanted to run with me. I told him that i was only planning on going 16 miles at a 5:50 clip. He laughed and asked what i was really planning on doing today. Fricking SLOW people. Seriously, if i wanted to run SLOW like at a 6:10 clip, i would carry a camera with me to take pictures of crap. But unlike my lame cousin, i needed to hit this run at what was already a pathetic pace...ugh.
So i plotted out a little course which involved some major streets like Michigan, Huron, and Clark (Site seeing) and some parts of the Lake Shore Path (More site seeing) plus some loops around Wrigley Field (to get a better understanding of what losing means so i know how to avoid it). I started off from Southport and Fullerton and made my way north to Wrigleyville. Now the sidewalks were filled with SLOW and FAT people so i made sure to take to the streets so that i could hit my clip... It was such a beautiful day out, there were people everywhere basking in its greatness and i got to see all of these beautiful cars lined up and down the street. I think people took notice of my running prowess because there soon was a line of cars lined up for miles consisting of people who probably made up my fan base. I just waved at them and let my iPOD just DJ the day away.. Boom, i hit mile 1 at a 5:35. excellent!
i ran by wrigley field and noticed that there already decorations for what should be a season for the ages. Now, i myself am not a true Cubs fan, my allegiance belongs to the detroit tigers, but i do enjoy rooting for them at home games every now and again. Besides, i look at all of the fans and i think about how i do not want to be that disappointed by not making the Olympics and by not beating that running pussy, Ryan Hall. These thoughts, plus the sight of ten frat kids forcing themselves to puke outside of Harry Carays, made me pick up the pace. Now as i was escaping the wrigleyville, i noticed that there were a lot of chairs aligned with the cars. Ah, all of those SLOW people... They can't even make it 50 feet from their homes without needing to take refuge in a chair.. idiots. I hit mile three at a 5:34 clip.. means things are picking up...
I headed down Clark towards the Lake Shore Drive as my next stage would be the lake shore path. Now i don't know why, but i was starting to feel a little sick. What could it be? It most certainly was not the arousing potpourri which filled the air consisting of garbage left on the streets and homeless people who themselves reeked of the what appeared to be the opposite of Subway (eat fresh?)... If not for that, i began to take comfort in the aromas coming from twelve different types of restaurants and the fumes coming from the millions of cars which filled the streets. Yuck! I guess the hippies finally got something right through promoting more bike usage....or roller blading.
Once i hit the lake shore path, i started to notice that the bad smells in the air were quickly replaced by an incorrigible aura of douchebaggery. Running up and down the lake shore path, were what appeared to be pages 12, 13 & 15 of the Men's activewear section of the Nordstrom's Spring 2010 catalog. I don't know why SLOW people feel the need to coordinate each and every part of their out fit... and how many pairs of those crappy Reebok Zig Zag shoes do people wear. They are not even running shoes.. Rule of thumb for life, if Cindy Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins endorses anything and you purchase said item... Move to canada. Quit the USA. Do us a favor. If not for the matching dudes, there were many packs of SLOW runners hording up every square inch of trail they could.. I tried to get by one group of badgers (they literally looked like badgers.. one of the ladies looked like this guy i used to play hockey with).. They were moving at quite possibly the slowest pace one could go without walking. I yelled "TRACK, TRACK, TRACK" to no avail. In fact, they spread out which resulted in less real estate being made available on the path. It was like a garage sale at Donald Trump's house, minus the awesome hair. Damn, that man has phenomenal hair! Since i could not yell at them to move i decided to sprint and push them out of my way... I moved forward and began shoving the ladies from side to side. Little did i know that some biker asshole was also coming from the other side.. he yelled "LANCE, LANCE" to which i yelled "TRACK, TRACK". The end result was yet another runner hit biker accident and i was the only one left standing. oh well. I just hit mile 8 and the clip dropped to 5:44... Fricking COWS. I gotta make this pace up.
The path seemed to clear up once i got south enough... I was soon running down Michigan Avenue. big pimping spending cheese.. big pimping... P-I-M-P. Oh man, this was the life as a runner. I saw all of the big buildings, the advertisements, and the taxi cab ... (BOOM). As i got up from the ground, i couldn't help but notice the blood dripping from my leeg.. Not again. Well at least this time i could feel my legs and i felt fine.. I was about to leave when i heard what appeared to be some form of a German accent in the background. It was the driver and he smelled like a fresh sausage dipped in chocolate and aged over 30 years in a humidor which also contained Paris Hilton's virginity... Rather than spend more time with this dude i began to run some more... I noticed he started to chase me, so i took refuge in the Macy's down the block. As i ran through each aisle, i couldn't help but notice that the SLOW people were becoming startled... well excuse me, i am trying to train here. Didn't mean to interrupt your unimportant waste of a day spent shopping and probably discussing the latest episode of Jersey Shore with your girlfreinds over at some trendy bar in the River north neighborhood.... Oh and you're not hot. Maybe twelve years ago but to quote varsity blues "Things change MOX!". But i digress... I was just exiting the store when i looked at my watch and it read 15 miles at a 5:50 clip. But the watch stopped..DAMN IT! How much extra have i run?
I brought it up to the manager about making the store more Garmin friendly. The manager, who was a grown ass man wearing a suit, with a graphic tee shirt underneath, a tie over the douche tee, and an Ed Hardy hat explained to me that i was in his place of business. I told him that "business" was a pretty big word for a guy whose only glory was playing on the freshman basketball team in high school and who failed out of Phoenix University online five times.... He said that he graduated from Phoenix after only failing twice, because his mom told him he would have to move out of the basement if he failed it a third time. I said that his story was kind of like how the cock crowed three times for Peter...he then gave me his number.
Well i left the store and was able to finish my run. 16 miles at a 5:52 cllip. While this was by no means impressive to even OBAMA standards... it was a good start to a good day. I got to see the city and it prepared me for the 21 mile run i faced this evening.
Seacrest out
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Day 29, 30, & 31: Like a Nighthawk, baby
I figured out that I am like Batman, a creature of the night. Some of my best runs are ran in the night time, the time when immortals take the form of man and run incredibly fast. A lot of SLOW people i know like to run in the morning... I understand it makes it easier to get your "run" out of the way early on, but sometimes i spend hours into the wee morning hours looking up my name on google to see if anyone wrote any articles on me and i also delve into the athlinks to see if there are any new times posted on my page, or if any of my rivals had times posted on their page, or to see if anyone wrote on my wall. I also like to provide minute by minute updates on facebook letting people know when i drink tea, use the restroom, buy a sweater, or look at DJ from "Full House" in an inappropriate manner because I feel that these are important things for SLOW people to take note. After all, everyone wants to know what the fast people do, what they think, what they eat and how they live, so this is a free service i provide them.
Busse Woods (Day 29)
So two nights ago i ran an exhilarating 7-mile run through Busse Woods at 11:30 PM. It was one of those wild times where none of the usual SLOW people are out, although i saw some of those orange people i have been seeing lately... I think they run for Kock Lakes Running Team or something. Well on this night there weren't many runners out at all. The goal was to kick in a 5:15 clip type effort to prep for a Saturday Morning 5k race. I hit the first mile pretty hard at a 4:30 pace which felt good but i knew that i had to back down the effort based upon the lake effect coming from Lake Michigan into the Schaumburg area. Sometimes the lake effect severely speeds up my breathing and gives me leg pain as if i am overexerting myself and tonight was no different... Around mile two, i noticed what was one of many interesting things for the day. I saw a tea party going on in the forest.. and it just felt right. I would've joined in but i would never want to disturb a tea party as an uninvited guest.. Upon closer inspection, i realized that it was no dinner party at all but rather a homeless guy drinking a Four Lokos beverage (probably the fumes remaining from a can left on the ground) and he was having a discussion about politics with a squirrel. After hearing some of his points, i really didn't feel that Obama caused the Vietnam War and was hording oil in a Subaru Outback located in Austrailia, Middle East.. SO i moved on. i hit the next three miles at a 5:25 clip and was going smooth until i ran into a herd of moose. It seems like they some how got trapped behind some type of fencing... There were about 12 of them in what made probably the third best looking herd of moose i have ever seen in the last 3 years. I felt bad so i lifted the botttom of the fence up and started to let some of them out... Well one of them got his antler stuck in the fence and the others started moaning... I tried to lift the fence up further but could not... Then i realized that i had left my garmin on and my overall clip was slowing byt he second.. Well, i am pretty important and i gotta finish the run so i took off.. Besides, the moose got himself into this mess and could probably get himself out of it. He is an adult. He should probably get a job while he's at it too... Anyways, i ended up finishing the run in 38:00 and didn't really feel all too bad. I had run 20 miles earlier that day so this was a good effort pre-5k race.
Day 30: Recovery Run
I ran 16 miles of recovery run at a 6:34 clip. I am not really sure what else to write about this. I wore tights and stuff. I ate a bagel, it was sesame seeded and i used nutella spread. I love Nutella spread. it is pretty cocoa-ey and really makes for an excellent topping.. I talked with some friends and they also use Nutella spread. Oh, i also wanted to mention that i ran this run in a pair of Saucony brand running shoes.
Day 31: The Race
Today i had signed up for my first 5k race of the season. The race was pretty huge and i heard a lot of people like Ryan Hall were going to be there... The race was called "The St. Josaphat Church Fun Run to Raise Awareness About Africa And Stuff" so i knew it was a super important date on the racing calendar... As usual, i arrived at the place exactly three hours prior to race time.
I immediately talked to the race director when i got there to discuss the logistics of my Elite Starting Corral and what types of foods & accomodations i would need for the race, before and after. The race director was some guy named Dan and he had no idea i was going to be here. Geez! Fricking SLOW amateurs... I told him that i sent an e-mail with my demand list and request for comped entry months ago. he said he had thought it was a joke and that no one in their right mind would make such requests for a "fun run". I told him that there ain't nothing "fun" about my sweet running moves and how fast i am going to be at the finish line. i then said that my performance would probably inspire a nation and spike up registration for next year. You see, being fast is my business, and making money is the result.
He then told me that there were some bananas on a table somewhere and that i should find them somewhere in the opposite side of the room. I asked if they were Chiquita bananas because any other bananas would be the equivalent of crap! I don't think he heard me because he began walking away mid-sentence. oh well, at least i can potassium-up.
Well i got to the start line and i appeared to be the only one wearing racing spandex. There was also no Elite Corral. This was completely unacceptable but since it was the first race of the year, i was ok with it.. I guess. And then i didn't see Ryan Hall anywhere.. That is until this shoe salesman came up to me and asked me if i thought i was gonna break 20. i told him that he was clearly too SLOW to speak to me and that he should leave the Elite Corral which was now the 5 foot diameter surrounding me. I let out a pre-race fart and then the gun went off...
I immediately took the lead and was on pace for a 4:20 first mile. I looked around and there was no one in sight. Not even a person on the bike to lead this thing...... I followed some cone thingys and there were SLOW people at certain corners directing me where to go. I hit the first mile at a 4:36 and was still pretty alone. I looked around and could not find where my water bottle was gonna be placed. You see i gave Dan my water bottle which contained Natual Spring Water, HGH, Gatorade, Pig's Blood, Orphan tears (Sudanese orphans, they cry the best), and other race fluids... What the Eff? What gives? Well anyways, i wouldn't let this ruin my race. I turned around mile two and my clip slowed down to a 4:45 pace... There was still no one around. Some little boy was walking down the street and asked me what i was doing.. I told him that i could give him autographs later but right now i had a race to win.
I headed towards the final stretch... i could see the finish line. There was a clock but there were... no Volunteers? I crossed the finish in 14:37 and saw that there were no people around to take my time, record a result, congratulate me, tell me how awesome i was, hand me a post-race concoction or anything... I walked over to Dan and asked him what gives! he said that there were no official results because this was a "fun run". I asked him what the "f" was so fun about racing a 5k with no results... he looked confused and said that it was for charity and that it was good i donated. I should have known that when i was the only one on the starting line with my own personalized BIB that something was awry. I asked Dan what my award was for winning it and he said that it was the pride of knowing that people are more aware of Africa for my donations. I punched him in the face and took his clip board. This will serve as my reward. Well, i thought i had hit him hard but there didn't turn out to be a lot of blood. he started cursing and asking for people to joing him...what a good time for a cool down. So i decided to run a good 7 mile cooldown east of where this event took place. Ironically it was where my car was located.. I managed to escape but then i got a voicemail message saying that i was forever banned from the event. So what! No Spring Water, no results... who cares.
Overall, these past few days have been pretty good, but i need to step up my game. A 14:37 5k will win you a "fun run" but it won't get you anywhere with the ladies or pay your rent or buy you Kanye West CDs. Which reminds me, i need to find a lady to pay my rent and listen to Kanye West CDs with... If anyone knows of such a person, please forward their contact information, race times, and three letters of reccomendation my way.
Thanks!
Busse Woods (Day 29)
So two nights ago i ran an exhilarating 7-mile run through Busse Woods at 11:30 PM. It was one of those wild times where none of the usual SLOW people are out, although i saw some of those orange people i have been seeing lately... I think they run for Kock Lakes Running Team or something. Well on this night there weren't many runners out at all. The goal was to kick in a 5:15 clip type effort to prep for a Saturday Morning 5k race. I hit the first mile pretty hard at a 4:30 pace which felt good but i knew that i had to back down the effort based upon the lake effect coming from Lake Michigan into the Schaumburg area. Sometimes the lake effect severely speeds up my breathing and gives me leg pain as if i am overexerting myself and tonight was no different... Around mile two, i noticed what was one of many interesting things for the day. I saw a tea party going on in the forest.. and it just felt right. I would've joined in but i would never want to disturb a tea party as an uninvited guest.. Upon closer inspection, i realized that it was no dinner party at all but rather a homeless guy drinking a Four Lokos beverage (probably the fumes remaining from a can left on the ground) and he was having a discussion about politics with a squirrel. After hearing some of his points, i really didn't feel that Obama caused the Vietnam War and was hording oil in a Subaru Outback located in Austrailia, Middle East.. SO i moved on. i hit the next three miles at a 5:25 clip and was going smooth until i ran into a herd of moose. It seems like they some how got trapped behind some type of fencing... There were about 12 of them in what made probably the third best looking herd of moose i have ever seen in the last 3 years. I felt bad so i lifted the botttom of the fence up and started to let some of them out... Well one of them got his antler stuck in the fence and the others started moaning... I tried to lift the fence up further but could not... Then i realized that i had left my garmin on and my overall clip was slowing byt he second.. Well, i am pretty important and i gotta finish the run so i took off.. Besides, the moose got himself into this mess and could probably get himself out of it. He is an adult. He should probably get a job while he's at it too... Anyways, i ended up finishing the run in 38:00 and didn't really feel all too bad. I had run 20 miles earlier that day so this was a good effort pre-5k race.
Day 30: Recovery Run
I ran 16 miles of recovery run at a 6:34 clip. I am not really sure what else to write about this. I wore tights and stuff. I ate a bagel, it was sesame seeded and i used nutella spread. I love Nutella spread. it is pretty cocoa-ey and really makes for an excellent topping.. I talked with some friends and they also use Nutella spread. Oh, i also wanted to mention that i ran this run in a pair of Saucony brand running shoes.
Day 31: The Race
Today i had signed up for my first 5k race of the season. The race was pretty huge and i heard a lot of people like Ryan Hall were going to be there... The race was called "The St. Josaphat Church Fun Run to Raise Awareness About Africa And Stuff" so i knew it was a super important date on the racing calendar... As usual, i arrived at the place exactly three hours prior to race time.
I immediately talked to the race director when i got there to discuss the logistics of my Elite Starting Corral and what types of foods & accomodations i would need for the race, before and after. The race director was some guy named Dan and he had no idea i was going to be here. Geez! Fricking SLOW amateurs... I told him that i sent an e-mail with my demand list and request for comped entry months ago. he said he had thought it was a joke and that no one in their right mind would make such requests for a "fun run". I told him that there ain't nothing "fun" about my sweet running moves and how fast i am going to be at the finish line. i then said that my performance would probably inspire a nation and spike up registration for next year. You see, being fast is my business, and making money is the result.
He then told me that there were some bananas on a table somewhere and that i should find them somewhere in the opposite side of the room. I asked if they were Chiquita bananas because any other bananas would be the equivalent of crap! I don't think he heard me because he began walking away mid-sentence. oh well, at least i can potassium-up.
Well i got to the start line and i appeared to be the only one wearing racing spandex. There was also no Elite Corral. This was completely unacceptable but since it was the first race of the year, i was ok with it.. I guess. And then i didn't see Ryan Hall anywhere.. That is until this shoe salesman came up to me and asked me if i thought i was gonna break 20. i told him that he was clearly too SLOW to speak to me and that he should leave the Elite Corral which was now the 5 foot diameter surrounding me. I let out a pre-race fart and then the gun went off...
I immediately took the lead and was on pace for a 4:20 first mile. I looked around and there was no one in sight. Not even a person on the bike to lead this thing...... I followed some cone thingys and there were SLOW people at certain corners directing me where to go. I hit the first mile at a 4:36 and was still pretty alone. I looked around and could not find where my water bottle was gonna be placed. You see i gave Dan my water bottle which contained Natual Spring Water, HGH, Gatorade, Pig's Blood, Orphan tears (Sudanese orphans, they cry the best), and other race fluids... What the Eff? What gives? Well anyways, i wouldn't let this ruin my race. I turned around mile two and my clip slowed down to a 4:45 pace... There was still no one around. Some little boy was walking down the street and asked me what i was doing.. I told him that i could give him autographs later but right now i had a race to win.
I headed towards the final stretch... i could see the finish line. There was a clock but there were... no Volunteers? I crossed the finish in 14:37 and saw that there were no people around to take my time, record a result, congratulate me, tell me how awesome i was, hand me a post-race concoction or anything... I walked over to Dan and asked him what gives! he said that there were no official results because this was a "fun run". I asked him what the "f" was so fun about racing a 5k with no results... he looked confused and said that it was for charity and that it was good i donated. I should have known that when i was the only one on the starting line with my own personalized BIB that something was awry. I asked Dan what my award was for winning it and he said that it was the pride of knowing that people are more aware of Africa for my donations. I punched him in the face and took his clip board. This will serve as my reward. Well, i thought i had hit him hard but there didn't turn out to be a lot of blood. he started cursing and asking for people to joing him...what a good time for a cool down. So i decided to run a good 7 mile cooldown east of where this event took place. Ironically it was where my car was located.. I managed to escape but then i got a voicemail message saying that i was forever banned from the event. So what! No Spring Water, no results... who cares.
Overall, these past few days have been pretty good, but i need to step up my game. A 14:37 5k will win you a "fun run" but it won't get you anywhere with the ladies or pay your rent or buy you Kanye West CDs. Which reminds me, i need to find a lady to pay my rent and listen to Kanye West CDs with... If anyone knows of such a person, please forward their contact information, race times, and three letters of reccomendation my way.
Thanks!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Day Twenty Seven & Twenty Eight: My Run Is All I Have To Give!
Well it seems over the past few days that I am finally getting over my cold. While deep down inside i blame SLOW people, i feel that this is another test along the way in my quest for Olympic Greatness. Although I am sure that most people would try to use a "sickness" as an excuse for losing. me, no! In fact, yesterday, I ran 32 X 400 on the 2:00. This gave me 1:00 rest between each interval... Even though i coughed what i thought were my left and right kidneys along the way, i felt that this was the only way to beat sickness was to look it dead in the face. With each breath growing stronger, i could feel mucus accumulating in my lungs. This was a good thing as I would not want mucus to accumulate in my nose or nasal passages and its about damn time my lungs do something.
Last night, approximately 5 hours after my track workout, i went for a little 7 mile run at a dec (Deese) clip. I wanted inspiration. I wanted to feel like i was coming back. I wanted glory. So i converted my Backstreet Boys "Millenium" album into MP3s. wow! What a rush.. With each step, i could feel those feelings that i had back in my glory days. Back when i used to be king of the track and was able to go on dates with ladies and stuff...But now aint nothing but a heartache, nothing is a mistake....I dedicated each mile of the run to each member of the Backstreet Boys, with the exception being miles 6 & 7, which were given to Howie & Brian, whom i related to the most, and therefore, were most deserving of two miles each. For the AJ mile, i decided to age grade at a 90% and run a 4:25.... After all, he was the crazy one! The song which came on was "I want it that way"..... So I ran my ass off and sang out loud. I must have been a good singer because soon after i started, every dog and cat in the neighborhood started making noises and singing along with me.
Mile 2 was dedicated to Howie so i ran it at a 5:25 clip and with style. Every corner i would do a two step... I would keep running. The goal of this mile was to quit playing games from the start and just live my life... The only problem came when i hit a corner, tried to twostep and ended up sliding into a lamp pole which in turn flipped me in the air causing a 180 degree of difficulty belly flop on the ground. However, with the backstreet boys music going on, i knew that i was too strong to let the old lady snickering get to me so i picked it up and finished the mile.
Mile 3 was all about Brian. So i hit that one at a 5:00 clip but made sure to put on a love making face for all of the ladies i ran past.. I found one lil beauty in the parking lot of a Jewel Osco. I don't think she noticed my "o" face so i decided to run circles around her... Well now i got her attention, because she pulled what appeared to be some sort of spray out of her pocket. So i paused the garmin and decided to serenade her like Brian would.... I began by serenading her with a lil "Larger than Life" and before i could hit the chorus i heard a spray sound and soon was crying on the ground with the most burning feeling going on in my eyes. I asked "Why? Why would you do this?" to which i heard nothing but running footsteps as a reply. I gathered myself and decided to continue my run....
Now that i was covered in pepper spray and a mess emotionally, i knew that mile 4 had to be all bout Nick.. So of course, i got all up angry in my face and decided to take it out at a 4:54 pace.. I thought about everything that ever bothered me in my life and just ran it out of my system. I hit the half at about a 4:30 pace when i just had to pause my watch and bend down and cry. I don't know if it was "My Love is All I HAve to Give" or what.. but the way Nick hits that solo is just absolutely amazing.... It made me think of the girl I am really in love with.. If she can get FAST enough, i would give her nothing but my love as it is literally ALL that i have to give.. Literally! I sold all my possessions to buy more Saucony brand running shoes and apparel because nothing makes a run better than wearing Saucony and showing other people that you wear Saucony brand running gear because that drives a lot of respect.... I also have no money because my sponsorship isn't paying the bills... Anyways, i got all of my tears out of the way and proceeded to...
Mile Five was all about Kevin, the mysterious one. So since it was a mysterious mile, i decided to do a little fartlek in dedication to him. A good fartlek consists of inserting sprints in your run (which should already age grade at 85% minimal) so that you can step in front of SLOW people and fart on them... I noticed that there were some more of those damn runners who wear orange so i made sure to sneak up on them (NO yelling Track).. "Hi Matt" i heard one call to which i replied with a fart... and then sprinted off.. That is what Kevin would do.... I was able to finish this mile in about 5:30..
Miles six and seven were just repeats.. I finished the run in about 34 minutews which was ok timing, but the experience was one that i'll never forget. Wow! A rekindled love i developed for that girl and a fresh energy produced from the Backstreet Boys. If any of you SLOW people have the chance, you should totally pick up the album. it is around 10 years old and a classic. Whether you are running, making love to a partner or yourself, or just sitting in your mom's studio apartment watching "Yes Dear" reruns, this is THE album for you!
Today was just a 20 mile run... but nothing compared to that magic!
Last night, approximately 5 hours after my track workout, i went for a little 7 mile run at a dec (Deese) clip. I wanted inspiration. I wanted to feel like i was coming back. I wanted glory. So i converted my Backstreet Boys "Millenium" album into MP3s. wow! What a rush.. With each step, i could feel those feelings that i had back in my glory days. Back when i used to be king of the track and was able to go on dates with ladies and stuff...But now aint nothing but a heartache, nothing is a mistake....I dedicated each mile of the run to each member of the Backstreet Boys, with the exception being miles 6 & 7, which were given to Howie & Brian, whom i related to the most, and therefore, were most deserving of two miles each. For the AJ mile, i decided to age grade at a 90% and run a 4:25.... After all, he was the crazy one! The song which came on was "I want it that way"..... So I ran my ass off and sang out loud. I must have been a good singer because soon after i started, every dog and cat in the neighborhood started making noises and singing along with me.
Mile 3 was all about Brian. So i hit that one at a 5:00 clip but made sure to put on a love making face for all of the ladies i ran past.. I found one lil beauty in the parking lot of a Jewel Osco. I don't think she noticed my "o" face so i decided to run circles around her... Well now i got her attention, because she pulled what appeared to be some sort of spray out of her pocket. So i paused the garmin and decided to serenade her like Brian would.... I began by serenading her with a lil "Larger than Life" and before i could hit the chorus i heard a spray sound and soon was crying on the ground with the most burning feeling going on in my eyes. I asked "Why? Why would you do this?" to which i heard nothing but running footsteps as a reply. I gathered myself and decided to continue my run....
Now that i was covered in pepper spray and a mess emotionally, i knew that mile 4 had to be all bout Nick.. So of course, i got all up angry in my face and decided to take it out at a 4:54 pace.. I thought about everything that ever bothered me in my life and just ran it out of my system. I hit the half at about a 4:30 pace when i just had to pause my watch and bend down and cry. I don't know if it was "My Love is All I HAve to Give" or what.. but the way Nick hits that solo is just absolutely amazing.... It made me think of the girl I am really in love with.. If she can get FAST enough, i would give her nothing but my love as it is literally ALL that i have to give.. Literally! I sold all my possessions to buy more Saucony brand running shoes and apparel because nothing makes a run better than wearing Saucony and showing other people that you wear Saucony brand running gear because that drives a lot of respect.... I also have no money because my sponsorship isn't paying the bills... Anyways, i got all of my tears out of the way and proceeded to...
Mile Five was all about Kevin, the mysterious one. So since it was a mysterious mile, i decided to do a little fartlek in dedication to him. A good fartlek consists of inserting sprints in your run (which should already age grade at 85% minimal) so that you can step in front of SLOW people and fart on them... I noticed that there were some more of those damn runners who wear orange so i made sure to sneak up on them (NO yelling Track).. "Hi Matt" i heard one call to which i replied with a fart... and then sprinted off.. That is what Kevin would do.... I was able to finish this mile in about 5:30..
Miles six and seven were just repeats.. I finished the run in about 34 minutews which was ok timing, but the experience was one that i'll never forget. Wow! A rekindled love i developed for that girl and a fresh energy produced from the Backstreet Boys. If any of you SLOW people have the chance, you should totally pick up the album. it is around 10 years old and a classic. Whether you are running, making love to a partner or yourself, or just sitting in your mom's studio apartment watching "Yes Dear" reruns, this is THE album for you!
Today was just a 20 mile run... but nothing compared to that magic!
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