Oh boy what a weekend. I think i have the most fun weekends of all time, i am like Tommy Lee. First of all, on friday i was able to get in a good morning run and good pm run. On saturday, i got in a good morning run, a solid afternoon run, and then a great evening run. For lunch, i met a friend at a panera bread from like 11:00 AM until 11:20 AM (Its called a social life, losers! so glad i have one). Then yesterday, i woke up early (having passed out like late night on saturday round 7:30 PM) and was able to run 20 with a friend in the AM followed by a solid PM run.. Man, i did so much this weekend, its hard to believe i had time for it all. But you gotta remember, I am a FAST guy and people love me.. So that is why i get the killer weekends and all of you SLOW kids have like loser weekends.
While i was able to get in a paltry 60 miles this weekend, its tough sometimes to remind myself that i AM just starting off and that we all begin somewhere. You don't just start running 200 mpw weeks off the bat. I mean, that pussy Ryan Hall probably has never even heard of 200 mile weeks... But that is where i will be very soon.
While most of my runs were held at a steady-state pace with age-grading between 88.78% to 90.755%. I really had fun with my long run... My buddy Iron Mike came out and met me in this place called Barrington, IL. It is a pretty serene type place with many retail buildings, diners, and cougars to fill one's heart content. They say that it is the type of place where old money lives but only at the expense of your soul and your dreams. Trade in that freedom for a Lexus. Most of all, it is filled with SLOW people. God made this place hilly because he knew that this was where the SLOW would take refuge. By putting those hills there, he ensures that studs like myself can run without having to give autographs, converse with strangers or otherwise break out of my olympic routine.
Iron Mike is a crazy guy. He is kind of slow but ballsy. He ran a slow 2:30 boston or something (i don't think they record results for marathons after 2:14:59... the clocks just turn off. That is what i've heard). But he started off the race with a 3:59 first mile and that is like ok. Nothing like the low 3's that i usually run, but he was deemed suitable for today's run because i am just starting off and i need someone who has some talent and could hold a conversation with me.
We decided to run 20-miles because i was in need for a recovery run and i guess he was too. So we set off from the tennis courts of the high school, which i think served as the set for that Friends television show everyone loved.. The first mile was kind of rough, but we hit it at a 7:30. a seven f%**ing thirty. Seriously, who the f%**% is this guy?!? I asked him if he left his testicles at home because this was unacceptable. He said he ran a 60-mile run the day before and was kind of tired... I asked him what pace he ran it at. he said like 7:40s.. WHAT!? How can you be tired? I was like I can run 7:40s for 458-hours straight! That's right, there is no typo there. 458 hours straight. he said i was exaggerating, and i told him to exaggerate this and sped off for a 4:55 mile. Haha! F%*% Iron Mike, enjoy your slowness and all of your slow people races.
You see, he told me he is planning on racing a 50k, 100k, 100 miler, and some weird 24-hour race in Indiana or Ohio or one of "THOSE" states... For you beginner runners who are NOT in the know (and are probably SLOW), you have to understand the thing about these "ultra" races. They are for "ultra-pussies" who run "ultra-slow" over "ultra-long" distances. If God gave you running talent, you RUN and you RACE. If God didn't give you running talent, you COACH. If you can't COACH, you bowl. If you are TOO SLOW for bowling, you "run" ultra races. its like the republican party. No one with any real chance or plan goes to these things, but somehow we end up with a winner. A winner who ultimately is a loser and has no talent and you have to wait until the next race to find a new one.
Well, after that 4:55 mile, my stomach started hurting and my lungs were a little "sore". I knew they were sore based on the panting and the heavy breathing which had to be an allergic reaction to something. So i stood by the side of the road for like a minute just to puke out the energy gu gel bar i ate when Iron Mike comes running by and asks if i needed any help. Um, NO! Go run your 7:40s buddy... Maybe you can get some 70-year old grandmas to be your pace leader. LOSER! So i muscled enough energy and hatergy to sprint right past him and zoom in some good miles.. 4:45, 5:00, 5:15, 5:30, 6:00, 6:30, 6:45. It wasn't until i ran a 6:59 when i looked at my watch and realized i wasn't sustaining a 4:30 pace like i thought i was (remember i write these times post-humously which means after the run). I think there was something wrong with my garmin because that pace was totally 4:30. And i know i didn't lose that much talent over the 90-days and 50 pounds where i couldn't hit a 4:30 clip for 20-miles... well, the stomach hurt again and this time i fell to the side of the road.. fifteen minutes later, Iron Mike runs by and gave me a number one sign with his middle finger. Boom! I know i'm number one and i appreciate his effort and honesty about my superior running skills...
Well, i get back and just re-fuel my run with some more Hatergy (like energy but fueled by hate) and hit the next sequence of miles at 4:55, 5:33, 5:45, 5:59, 5:59, 5:59, 6:01, 6:02, 5:59, 5:59, and 6:40... Again, i looked at my watch and was pretty pissed off about the clip. I mean, what is going on with all of those satellites? How are THEY this far off. I've been running so long that i know what pace is. I know what pace feels like. i was going to be a pacer for the 2004 Olympic marathon as a teen ager but i chose not to because i had homework to do that weekend. I finally got to my car, and somehow i was weezing and panting again. What is going on with this? This was not a good day. Not at all. Ryan Hall must have screwed with my Garmin when i was sleeping last night and then put random tear gas bombs along the route to screw it up for me...
Well, this was a complete disappointment. I hit my "recovery" 20-miler at 2:03 something. Absolutely pathetic. If i keep this up, i will never win any races, i will never get a girl, i will never become a homeowner, i will never become an olympic champion and i sure as hell will not be able to beat that pussy Ryan Hall. So tomorrow, we are doing a double. We are going to do a HUGE track workout in the AM followed by a 12 X Mile X 200 X 30 X 44 X MILE X a-squared type of tempo-fartlek-kickers run on the progressive. This will kick us back to our original shape.
If you really want to be a champion, you have to follow through on every word you say. But you have to follow through!
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