Woke up today feeling a little sore, but i think it has more to do with the fatness than my superb running abilities and supersonic recovery speed. You see, people who are fat and slow take longer to recover which is why they can never get good workouts in like me. While they will never hit levels that i hit in my runs, they make up for it with other skills like being able to get me water whenever i need it, eating taco bell tacos, or even advancing to super awesome levels in the World of Warcraft. not me though, because even at 50 pounds overweight, i am like super fast still and nothing can stop me.
As i finished my Mueslix, something odd struck out at me. My legs still ached and i felt this sense of lacking energy, but i don't know why. So i looked at the box of mueslix, and yup there it was "Use by 12/15/2020". Man, i should've known. It is an industry secret that you have to eat cereal 12 years before it expires otherwise you get achy. I knew something was up and it had nothing to do with my recovery. Still, i loves me mueslix like lil wayne loves hoes and tattoos so i finished off the bowl and put on the running gear and headed out the door.
The objective today is to do a track workout. Yesterday was a complete failure with my 25-mile suck-ass run so i was going to make up for it today. For all you beginner runners out there, whenver you have a bad workout or have to miss a day due to injury or illness (SLOW people disease), it is always best to double up not only on miles but on effort too for your workouts the next day. Otherwise your 7 day running week will be well, weak.
So i popped a gel pack and got going. it was a 3 mile run to the track and i was going to do 17 x repeat miles on the 4:45 just to take it easy but let out some steam. I am about two miles into my recovery/warm-up run when i just feel achy and slow. Why the hell am i so achy? I look at my watch and the garmin shows i am at a 7:30 pace. WTF! This is like the worst warm-up pace ever. McMillan totally outlines me at a 5:42 warm-up pace because i can run a 3:15 mile so this is crap. So i decide to sprint the rest of the way... OUCH! My legs hurt but i am up to my 5:42 pace for warm-up..>> Now there must be that smog in the air because my lungs are hurting too and my breathing is out of whack. I hope i didn't catch one of those respiratory illnesses again... Well i finish my warm-up run and get to the track. CLOSED FOR WINTER is on the sign.... So i just assume it means "CLOSED FOR LOSER SLOW PEOPLE", "WINNERS ENTER WITH CAUTION". Well it didn't say it, so i spelled it out with my urine in the snow.
I did my striders and got to stretching... My legs still ache. Ok, this is crappy. How the hell does my body ache after a stupid 25-mile run at a GOD awful slow pace of 5:52. Yuck! So i crank out the first mile.. I am about at a 5:30 pace halfway through and just feel like absolute hell. I finish it at 5:40. Ugh! Recovery pace. That is one. Only 16 to go. I get through the second one and it is 5:44. I get through the third and fourth ones at 5:50 & 5:55,respectively... Now, i am on the ground in absolute pain. My knees hurt, my legs hurt, my balls hurt (from that raccoon yesterday), and i am on the ground heaving... But it obviously is because of the smog that gave me a respiratory illness.. Definitely nothing to do with a 25-mile recovery run.
I start my sixth one and just slipped on a patch of snow. Nothing is broke but my body is hurting... I got after five minutes when a security guard comes and flashes a light onto me. That's when i realize i am bleeding a little bit. But no problem. I Thank him for his help and continue running. I get one lap in and he stands in front of me and says "HEY! Track is closed". I told him that i know its closed to slow people so i won't tell any. See that is why FAT & SLOW people are good people, they can keep the track clear of riff raff so that winners like me can train. He then said "NO! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! You've already fallen and hurt yourself.. you CAN'T be here" and calls someone on his radio. He then asked if i saw anyone piss outside. i told him no. He said just in case, i should wait here while he calls an ambulance to treat my wound. Right when he turns around, i take off and just get going..
I don't know if it was the adrenaline but i feel like i was going super fast. I think the FAT security guard took two steps and then was out of breath because he is SLOW. I was hitting a great pace when i realized! I forgot to stop my garmin when i fell. My mile split is currently at 20:05. SHIT! I knew something shitty would happen. Now my garmin mileage is going to be tainted and screwed up because this 20:00 minute mile. Damn it! I am going to have to change my computer's password again just in case anyone figured it out the last time. Ooh, there is a good password "time". Aha! Now my secret is safe and i don't have to kill the security guard to protect it. #winning.
The next two miles were at a 6:50 & 6:30 pace. ouch. SLow and my body absolutely aches... I get inside and am about to drink a gallon of orange juice (runner's post-workout secret) when i notice a picture of that HOT Jenny Simpson on the cover of my running magazine.... Although the magazine sucks ass and is nothing compared to the genius that is Chicago Athlete Magazine. Uh oh, my legs are wobbly and i feel a little bit dazed... As i feel my body fall to the floor, i can't help but think.... Why does my body need a recovery after a 25-mile r..... WHAM!
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