Went to the doctor this morning to see what is wrong with me. After hours of blood work, diagnostic checks, and other medical testing.. the doctor informed me that i was suffering from fatigue. I told him about the lame 25-miler i did a few days ago and he said that it was a phenomenal feat and that i should take a few days off from running and whatever else i do. what a quack. I can't believe he would reccomend such things. Its probably because Ryan Hall, that pussy, hired him to stop me from training and getting better. Stupid doctor, i'll show him.
First thing i did when i got home was reweigh myself. Look at that. I lost 2 pounds. Woo hoo. Only 48 more to go til i'm back at race shape. To celebrate my feat i ate 8 gel packs and a gallon of edy's ice cream... it was a habit i picked up during my time in the hospital. I only had myself, that silly bird in the window and the seemingly unlimited supply of mackinac island fudge ice cream from edy's to keep me company. Oh, and that cool television program "Friday Night Lights". If only God made me as good at football as i am at running, i would be the next Smash Williams.
Seeing that my legs were still feeling a little thrashed, i decided to go for a 10 mile run without the watch. Running without a watch is quite possibly the dumbest thing anyone could ever do besides fecalphelia. How the hell do i know what pace i am going? How about how many miles i've gone. It seems like its been two hours already when i passed my old coach's mailbox... 1 mile. damn! this is going by slowly. so i decided to pick up the pace. I was running pretty hard when i came around Old Hillman's Hill which was a 25 degree downgrade made up of cement with yellow stripes in the center lane indicating that there is traffic on both sides. There were curbs on the east and west sides of the street with an adjacent sidewalk situated about 24 inches from it. A few telephone poles lined the street as well and they were connected by wires... It seemed that every few hundred feet or so there was some type of sewer duct too. It was at that moment when i realized how beautiful my settings were that i ran into a telephone pole... BOOM! Wow, the shot hit my forehead like kim kardashian with an STD test. I was on the ground feeling very woozy... my head was throbbing and i felt nausea and dipsea all over the place... I picked it up and continued running.
Wow was i dizzy and it wasn't clearing up. So i ran into a 7-11 and filled up a large slurpee cup. I didn't have any money so i explained to the guy that i was an olympic athlete and i needed the fuel and it was his duty as an american citizen to allow me to take it. He didn't seem to care about the slurpee as much as my demeanor. He asked if i was alright.. i sadi of course. He showed me a mirror and i saw a huge bruise over my eye and i was bleeding... oh no! What if i can't finish the run? I can't let that happen... absolutely not.
So i finished my slurpee really quick to get back to my run when... F*(#! What was that? My head hurts even worse nwo..... i threw the cup at the guy and asked him if Ryan Hall put him up to this. Why is everyone trying to get me today? I proceeded down the street when i hit the home depot. That was the five mile marker usually when i go this route and judging by the sun's reflection off of the cars i would say its 3:15. Wow! I started at 3:00 PM. What that means is i just ran 5 3:00 miles (World Record) which included stoppage time for the fall and the slurpeee.. Holler! And i knew because of how great i was there was absolutely no way i could be wrong about this.
So i trekked it back home, slowing it down a little bit. After all, i just set the world record for the 5-mile road at 15 minutes and change.. i deserve to take it easy. As soon as i got home i wrote a letter with my finest pen on the only available paper i had, the back of my T-Mobile phone bill.. I mailed that letter straight to the USATF to let them know about my feat. I also put down "CC: That pussy Ryan Hall". hehe. I think our champion is back!
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