It was a crisp morning, it was the first morning of my new running regime. As i sat on my living room floor naked eating my bowl of mueslix and listening to the radio, I couldn't help but get excited to be fast again. Although i had no milk to enjoy my cereal with (thanks mom, way to be SLOW and not supportive of olympians), there was a murmur in the background that made everything okay. I think it was the sound of someone's car playing Lifehouse "hanging by a moment" or it was my alarm clock which i programmed to play the same song every single day.
Now today's run was a scheduled 25-miles at somewhere in the 5:50s. Although i gained 250 pounds and looked like Meatloaf from "Fight Club" (Fat & Slow), i knew i could at least hit this pace. I have known all kinds of slow idiots with no talent who run this type of run all of the time. So if THEY could do it, being completely inferior to me in every single way, i knew that i could do it too. The goal for this week is to just ease into running again slowly. You know, something like a 90-mile week. A week where there is no pressure as i don't need to hit anything dees until tomorrow when i try my first track workout. Yup, like my senior prom when i actually became more of a virgin than i was before, i was going to take this slow.
I laced up my Saucony brand running shoes and put on my compression socks, not recovery socks (those are for pussies). Although the main difference between compression socks and recovery socks (other than being a pussy) is $15. That is what my good friend at Kock Lakes told me. His name is John Itchmyson. I like a lot of support for my long runs, so i put on the Saucony Hattori which provide me with 4.4 ounces of cushioning.
Boom! I opened the door and took right out the door. The garmin seemed to be working fine and Al Roker said that it would be absolutely perfect weather. I started the run around 10:00 AM So that all of those SLOW people who lack TALENT could go to their loser jobs and allow WINNERS like me to get my training runs in undisturbed. Who needs money when Saucony will give me money. Once i get my "wings" back, they will pay me probably somewhere in the millions. ALbert Pujols got like $250MM and he is a pussy like Ryan Hall. If he can make that kind of money swinging his stick at some balls being thrown in his face, then i definitely will make billions. I think Meb made a cool million..probably wasted it on things like a wife, kids and ahouse though. Those are the type of things that will hold you back. Ooh! Just checked the Garmin, i've hit the 0.50 mile marker and we are at a 4:59 clip. Dees, but good that i started off that slow...
Seemingly a good day, but then i made a turn around this street corner and slipped a bit. The type of slip that splits your tight shorts in half like a fat guy at a Nickelback concert. No, literally! My tight shorts split in half.. shit! I looked at the Garmin and i'm only 4 miles into this run and my average clip is 5:40. Shit! Not only have i slowed to beyond recovery pace but now my boys are hanging out in the back. Oh well, i am a champion and the ladies can now see what a true champion works with.
I was able to get 7 more miles in at a 5:55 clip. Slowing down, yes! but only 11 more to go and i am not too worried about pace this run. it is the first run of what will be my greatest season ever. Things were starting to click a lil more, and by that i mean the chafing was now numb so my underbody was finally under control and my clip was up to 5:40 for the next 3 miles. Then i saw a mother and her three children walking down the street with a police car coming from the other side... Oh Shit! if they saw me with my split shorts, they're gonna think that I'm wanting to horse around with children like a Nittany Lion. So i think and then jump over this fence into someone's back yard. well i landed in a bush and noticed that i was laying on something furry and moving... i get up to begin running again (my garmin is going and i really need to hit my average of 5:50 clip) and then noticed a mother raccoon and her cubs were upset and chasing me in a small enclosure. So to keep the run going i begin running in 10 metre circles around the raccoons.. They seem to be confused and held back accordingly... the mother would occasionally lunge forward but then back up when i would make fart noises near her cubs. Looked at the watch, boom! Just hit a 6:05 mile (shit!) that is so off.... so finally i decide to make my way to the fence. I take a big leap and stretch my arms over the fence and start pulling myself up. That's when i realize that my backside is exposed and thats when i feel her claw in a certain area which resulted in a shot of pain that went straight up my spine and launched me in the air and about five feet into the street below...
Ouch! I am laying there and all i can think about is that my garmin is still going and i need to pick it up and run. I get up and start going. i get around 3 miles and i start to feel a little dizzy... I look at the garmin and i seemed to have gone about a 6:30 clip. Shit! I reach behind and just graze my finger on my buttcheek (left) and brought it back. yup! blood.... how am i going to get this run finished at my clip if i am bleeding. Luckily it was only the first run so i didn't need to worry about pace. Yeah, no worrying about pace as long as i can maintain between a 5:50 and 5:51 clip then pace won't matter.
I picked up the gait a little bit and make it about 2.5 miles to a street light. Looked at the watch and hit about 5:45... awesome. Picked up the clip. Picked up the clip. But luckily the pace didn't matter as this was just a recovery run. I can run a lot faster than this after all, o ne would only have to take a look at my athlinks to realize that i am way faster.
FInally, i hit the home stretch and am about to finish my run in the driveway when my neighbor comes home playing some Britney Spears garbage from her car. I sprint to the finish and told her to shut her crap off. Looked at the garmin.... Finished my 25 miles in 2:26:55. Shit! That effing sucks, on a run when pace didn't even matter i end up running a piss poor 5:52. What the hell are people going to say when they break into my computer and read my Garmin? They're gonna know... OK, so i will change my computer password ... aha! now people will not be able to see this poor of a day. Luckily athlinks doesn't show training run times otherwise that would be embarrassing to show too.
I hate it when you do a race and don't PR. Then people think that like you're that slow when you totally can hit that PR time or better. I always correct people and let them know that i can run it like a minute faster and that today was just a tempo run. Yup... this run today was just a tempo. Pace doesn't matter although a 5:52 is really shitty.... Stupid pace.
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