Today to celebrate the spring frolic, i decided to run through the city and bask in all of the greatness that is the City of Wind. I called my cousin, Iron Stan, up and asked him if he wanted to run with me. I told him that i was only planning on going 16 miles at a 5:50 clip. He laughed and asked what i was really planning on doing today. Fricking SLOW people. Seriously, if i wanted to run SLOW like at a 6:10 clip, i would carry a camera with me to take pictures of crap. But unlike my lame cousin, i needed to hit this run at what was already a pathetic pace...ugh.
So i plotted out a little course which involved some major streets like Michigan, Huron, and Clark (Site seeing) and some parts of the Lake Shore Path (More site seeing) plus some loops around Wrigley Field (to get a better understanding of what losing means so i know how to avoid it). I started off from Southport and Fullerton and made my way north to Wrigleyville. Now the sidewalks were filled with SLOW and FAT people so i made sure to take to the streets so that i could hit my clip... It was such a beautiful day out, there were people everywhere basking in its greatness and i got to see all of these beautiful cars lined up and down the street. I think people took notice of my running prowess because there soon was a line of cars lined up for miles consisting of people who probably made up my fan base. I just waved at them and let my iPOD just DJ the day away.. Boom, i hit mile 1 at a 5:35. excellent!
i ran by wrigley field and noticed that there already decorations for what should be a season for the ages. Now, i myself am not a true Cubs fan, my allegiance belongs to the detroit tigers, but i do enjoy rooting for them at home games every now and again. Besides, i look at all of the fans and i think about how i do not want to be that disappointed by not making the Olympics and by not beating that running pussy, Ryan Hall. These thoughts, plus the sight of ten frat kids forcing themselves to puke outside of Harry Carays, made me pick up the pace. Now as i was escaping the wrigleyville, i noticed that there were a lot of chairs aligned with the cars. Ah, all of those SLOW people... They can't even make it 50 feet from their homes without needing to take refuge in a chair.. idiots. I hit mile three at a 5:34 clip.. means things are picking up...
I headed down Clark towards the Lake Shore Drive as my next stage would be the lake shore path. Now i don't know why, but i was starting to feel a little sick. What could it be? It most certainly was not the arousing potpourri which filled the air consisting of garbage left on the streets and homeless people who themselves reeked of the what appeared to be the opposite of Subway (eat fresh?)... If not for that, i began to take comfort in the aromas coming from twelve different types of restaurants and the fumes coming from the millions of cars which filled the streets. Yuck! I guess the hippies finally got something right through promoting more bike usage....or roller blading.
Once i hit the lake shore path, i started to notice that the bad smells in the air were quickly replaced by an incorrigible aura of douchebaggery. Running up and down the lake shore path, were what appeared to be pages 12, 13 & 15 of the Men's activewear section of the Nordstrom's Spring 2010 catalog. I don't know why SLOW people feel the need to coordinate each and every part of their out fit... and how many pairs of those crappy Reebok Zig Zag shoes do people wear. They are not even running shoes.. Rule of thumb for life, if Cindy Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins endorses anything and you purchase said item... Move to canada. Quit the USA. Do us a favor. If not for the matching dudes, there were many packs of SLOW runners hording up every square inch of trail they could.. I tried to get by one group of badgers (they literally looked like badgers.. one of the ladies looked like this guy i used to play hockey with).. They were moving at quite possibly the slowest pace one could go without walking. I yelled "TRACK, TRACK, TRACK" to no avail. In fact, they spread out which resulted in less real estate being made available on the path. It was like a garage sale at Donald Trump's house, minus the awesome hair. Damn, that man has phenomenal hair! Since i could not yell at them to move i decided to sprint and push them out of my way... I moved forward and began shoving the ladies from side to side. Little did i know that some biker asshole was also coming from the other side.. he yelled "LANCE, LANCE" to which i yelled "TRACK, TRACK". The end result was yet another runner hit biker accident and i was the only one left standing. oh well. I just hit mile 8 and the clip dropped to 5:44... Fricking COWS. I gotta make this pace up.
The path seemed to clear up once i got south enough... I was soon running down Michigan Avenue. big pimping spending cheese.. big pimping... P-I-M-P. Oh man, this was the life as a runner. I saw all of the big buildings, the advertisements, and the taxi cab ... (BOOM). As i got up from the ground, i couldn't help but notice the blood dripping from my leeg.. Not again. Well at least this time i could feel my legs and i felt fine.. I was about to leave when i heard what appeared to be some form of a German accent in the background. It was the driver and he smelled like a fresh sausage dipped in chocolate and aged over 30 years in a humidor which also contained Paris Hilton's virginity... Rather than spend more time with this dude i began to run some more... I noticed he started to chase me, so i took refuge in the Macy's down the block. As i ran through each aisle, i couldn't help but notice that the SLOW people were becoming startled... well excuse me, i am trying to train here. Didn't mean to interrupt your unimportant waste of a day spent shopping and probably discussing the latest episode of Jersey Shore with your girlfreinds over at some trendy bar in the River north neighborhood.... Oh and you're not hot. Maybe twelve years ago but to quote varsity blues "Things change MOX!". But i digress... I was just exiting the store when i looked at my watch and it read 15 miles at a 5:50 clip. But the watch stopped..DAMN IT! How much extra have i run?
I brought it up to the manager about making the store more Garmin friendly. The manager, who was a grown ass man wearing a suit, with a graphic tee shirt underneath, a tie over the douche tee, and an Ed Hardy hat explained to me that i was in his place of business. I told him that "business" was a pretty big word for a guy whose only glory was playing on the freshman basketball team in high school and who failed out of Phoenix University online five times.... He said that he graduated from Phoenix after only failing twice, because his mom told him he would have to move out of the basement if he failed it a third time. I said that his story was kind of like how the cock crowed three times for Peter...he then gave me his number.
Well i left the store and was able to finish my run. 16 miles at a 5:52 cllip. While this was by no means impressive to even OBAMA standards... it was a good start to a good day. I got to see the city and it prepared me for the 21 mile run i faced this evening.
Seacrest out
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