As I sat there eating Mueslix right out of my Saucony brand running shoe (they trapped one of the tigers in the kitchen, he refuses to leave so i am unable to get a bowl at this moment.)
How did i get the cereal and milk you ask? Well, being as smart as i am, i always carry a box of Mueslix on me because it is by far the greatest cereal ever made in the name of all that is Holy! The milk was a little more work. You see, i have never milked a goat before so I asked Vin to show me. At first he hesitated... I think its because he saw that i am faster and better than him, so his heart filled with envy, a deadly sin. But then he must have saw how hungry i was because he pointed to a goat sitting outside our cabin. He said "Make sure to milk the billy over there in an aggressive fashion. Remember they only have one utter so you need to make it count." Well, he didn't actually say that. I had Floyd Landis do some translating for me... In return, i had to hide more of his drugs. I am beginning to think that he wasn't telling the truth when he said he didn't use performance enhancing drugs. And to think! I risked my good name defending him in honorable forums like letsbike.com, ilovebiking.com, and eharmony.com.. Anyways, so i started working the utter as Vin told me to and nothing really seemed to be working.. So i kept at it and eventually i got a sufficient amount to put in my cereal... However, this goat must have been sick or something because the milk was more of a solid like form and kind of sticky. Anyways, i didn't let it take away from my Mueslix.
Now Coach told me that he is hosting a half marathon race for all of the campers tomorrow at 7:30 AM. He said that a good portion of the course would be on the roads which surround our camp and that there would be a lot of hills. He also said that he was bringing in three of the Chicago areas best runners for the 33rd Annual Skerry March Madness Half Marathon: Iron Mark Makillme, Chadwick Warehouse, and some dude named Jeff Gingervitis. or at least that is all i heard because i couldn't believe that coach was bringing in these SLOW people to even challenge me. I bet they couldn't even break 1:04 for a half marathon... ha! I couldn't wait to race them. The plan will be to run a slow 4:49 for the first mile and then actually try the rest of the way..
Now the game plan is to get up in the morning around 5:30AM, in preparation for the 7:30AM start. I usually like to sleep in two hour segments the night before a race, in which i do a set of 15 crunches, two push ups and i eat an eggo waffle then go back to bed. For the final set, i get up around 2 hours before race time in order to eat, digest, poop, imbibe human growth hormone, drink monster energy drink and fully wake up before a race.
I asked my coach about an elite staging area. He asked me what the hell i was talking about. i said... you know. With this race going on, since i am going to win it, do you expect me to sleep in a cabin with Vin? Obviously i am a winner and winners sleep at Holiday Inns. I am also a genius and that is where they stay as well. he said that the "elites" like myself would be sleeping in the kitchen with the tigers since we shared the same blood. I told him that i was ok where i was with Vin and that i really didn't feel like hanging out with my relatives... i did tell him though, that when Ryan Hall travels, he gets like hotels, gear drops, nice bathrooms, food, orphans to serve him, deer blood, and anything he wants. Since i am better than ryan hall, i deserve more.. but i guess all in due time.
Now, in order to have a perfect race, its all about the weather. A runner needs the Temperature to be in the upper 90s for race conditions to be perfect. you see, when it is that hot out, you sweat out all of the bad water, and then you can replace it with the good water. Now elites like me hire SLOW people to drive in golf carts and get me my "Me Fuel" which consists of my racing nutrients in a water bottle. Its good to sweat. its also good to be fast, so i guess you can't have it all.. haha.
Finally, in order to have a perfect race, you also need the following:
- Great training (200 mpw)
- Great health
- Great competition (yeah right, not when there are only 2 people in the world who can outrun me... One of them is named Pre and he is dead)
- Hills
- Hot 90 degree temperatures
- Saucony Brand Running Shoes
- Haley's comet
- Race-day magic
- Lose at least 20 pounds the night before a race.
Split Elapsed Time Notes
Mile 1: 4:49 4:49 Taking it easy.. Just to mess with iron mark
Mile 2: 4:48 9:37 keep it consistent
Mile 3: 4:45 14:22 now is when i throw in a hammer for training purposes
Mile 4: 5:00 19:22 This is where a 500 foot hill with a steep incline lies
Mile 5: 5:10 24:32 After a 1/2 mile of downhill, there's another hill of 300 ft
Mile 6; 5:05 29:37 I don't want to kill myself for tomorrow's w/o, holding back
Mile 7: 5:00 34:37 Figure i could make it a semi-progressive run
Mile 8: 4:50 39:27 Again. gotta throw in a hammer.
Mile 9: 5:00 44:27 I like this pace... its not recovery, but i figured i'd throw it in
Mile 10: 5:15 49:42 This is where there's a 600 ft 10 grade hill.. Mount Suckass
Mile 11: 5:10 54:52 There are two hills, both small, but may take it easy at 5:10
Mile 12: 5:05 59:57 Figure i'd progress it at this stage.
Mile 13: 4:45 1:04:42 Gotta lay a hammer down. This is my actual race pace.
Mile 0.1: 0:17 1:04:59 God gave me speed and i gotta use it.
Well, i spent the rest of the day just gameplanning on how i am going to destroy iron mark. But i think i may have to actually try against Chad Warehouse and Jeff Tonsilitis. So i decided that a 20 mile run at a 5:15 clip followed by 30 400s on the 1:15 (finish them in :55, 20 seconds rest... its like a recovery run). Laying in bed, i must have been antsy because my legs hurt and i felt really tired. So much for recovery. Guess we all can't be eminem.
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