Day 41: Par-fect Day

By golly, the days are flying by when you are doing something that is extremely fun with your life, which in this case, is: Not working to focus on training, running at painful paces, going to bed early, waking up earlier, skipping out on a social life (unless you call that conversation about the weather i have with Mindy, my McDonald's Barista... when its a $1 coffee, keep those refills coming girl), skipping out on friends birthday parties, baby showers, weddings, actual showers, not going on dates (unless you call that google search on my e-harmony love a date), and overall, just being fast and awesome.  I don't know why more people don't try this.  I mean, as long as you are not SLOW, then it pretty much takes nothing out of your schedule.  Just 14 hours per day dedicated to running, talking about running, looking up stuff about running, scheduling your running, dreaming about running, and watching that awesome show on ABC Family "Pretty Little Liars"... ooh!  i think i know who murdered that girl, but i don't want to spoil the surprises!!!

By now in Chicago, the spring has arrived and everything has thawed out, including my super tight and uber awesome compression shorts which i only save for the first truly good running day in march.  These puppies sport a 3" inseam and allow me to run at substantially rapid paces!  These shorts go really good with a pair of Saucony brand running shoes which are available for sale at a Kock Lakes Running Store near you!  Not to totally pimp Saucony brand running shoes, but my friend Iron Mark once fell off a bike and broke his femur bone in half... So i put on a pair of saucony brand running shoes and was able to have probably the 30th best Tempo run of my life, they are JUST THAT GOOD!  My friend Iron Mark ended up hospitalized, but that is the least interesting part of the story..

So today i decided that since it was sunny and thawed out, i would run at a local Golf Course.  There was one down the street from my humble abode, called Ridge Run.  How fitting that the name of the place had "run" in it..because that is exactly what i was going to do.. hahahaha!  Ok, so sometimes these things aren't as funny on paper as they are in my pants.  Err, wait!  nevermind.  anyways, the plan was to run the five miles to the place at an easy 4:58 clip.  Once there, i was going to do one repeat quarter for every hole on the 1:00 repetition so that i could finish them at a 0:48 and still have twelve seconds rest before the next one.  Then I was going to do some hill repeats, on the RIDGE, and then run the 5 miles back home at a slow 5:02.10 clip. All in all it was going to be about 16 miles of running, which would give me a good workout before my nightime run.

So i left my apartment and headed for the golf course.  It was around noon, so there werent too many SLOW people and cars on the road.  The suckers were probably eating... haha!  Who eats lunch at noon?  Who eats lunch at all?  I no longer live by the traditional meal.. i cook 10 chicken breasts and dice them up on a daily basis and then every 45 minutes i have to have 5 ounces.  This is followed by 8 ounces of water, then 1 tbsp of salt, and a drop of mongoose blood.  I have found that this concoction will reduce injuries by 1.205% over a three year time span.  You just have to get cycled on it early.  Anyways, i arrived at the golf course which my garmin showed was 5.15 miles away in 25:33.. Stupid garmin!  Love and hate relationship.

So i begin at the first hole, when there were some old ladies practicing teeing off or something.. I told them that i was practicing too, at being awesome and an Olympian, and that if they are lucky, i will allow for them to watch me run.  Now my sexiness may have caught them off guard, because they very hesitant to speak for the next two and a half minutes as i started at them and lifted a little shirt to show some bare midriff.  Then i said "You wish" and took off for my first quarter repeat... I was near completion of it in around :55 (way off goal pace, must be the weather), when a ball had landed five feet to my left.  "FORE" i heard one of the ladies yell which was followed by laughter.  "HEY" i yelled back at them... "What is your deal?  Olympian in training here, can't you read the shirt"  It was true, i was wearing a t-shirt that said Olympian in Training on the front and back.  This way people would know, especially the SLOW ones, who could then make adjustments on their part to let me train.  "Ooops, sorry mr. tom selleck".  Damn!  Did they just call me tom selleck?  he is like old and has a mustache.... albeit a pretty awesome mustache, but a mustache nonetheless.  "Women" i mumbled to myself and began quarter repeat #2.  Now i finished this quarter at the green, where i saw an old man with a top hat about to putt.. "Excuse ME!  Sir!  Excuse Me!"  i yelled...  He shanked the putt and threw his club in my general direction.. "Ooh!  nike golf clubs.. nice!  anyways, do you have the time?"  He said "2:15, now scram!"    I asked "and how many seconds?"  he asked why and i explained that i was just trying to verify my garmin becuase it clocked me at a 0:57 quarter mile when i know in deed that i ran a 0:44.. Damn Central Time Zone... The old guy looked confused and angry in a way, so i proceeded...

I hit my next ten quarters fairly easily, but at a 0:59 average.  Must be my shoes.  I knew i should have wore the ones with the longer spikes.. oh well, only six more quarters to go before hill repeats.  I was about to go out for repeat #13 when some dude on a cart approached me.   "Excuse me sir, are you a member here? And what the hell are you doing.. and wearing i might add?" I didn't appreciate his attitude.  Save the Haterade for at home with your average wife, and average kids, and average luxury car from an average year with all of its SLOWness!  I explained exactly what i was doing and he explained exactly how soon the cops would be arriving.  So i decided to bunch all of the quarters together in one terrific sprint towards home.  Amazingly my average was 0:55 which definitely may have been inspired by the fear of going to jail.  i have already been there twice this training period.. no need to go there again.

So i was running home, when i noticed on the bumper of a car a "Golf Medinah! Winning!" sticker.  Hmm!  This Medinah Country Club you say... i am sure they are dying to have an Olympian as a member, for free with unlimited training... i will have to get in touch with their people.  Well i finished the five miles this time in 29:55 which is just a shade slower than molasses.  Damn it!  The day is ruined... I feel like spartacus in episode six when batiatus brings him his wife and then has her killed in one evil and gruesome set up (refer to spartacus: blood and sand, and do yourself a favor and watch it).

Anyways, before i go, i wanted to touch on this "Minimalist" Movement with footwear that i keep seeing.  Why do SLOW people spend money on things which they feel makes them look faster.  Guess what!  Your body is not made for barefoot, minimalist running.  The people who do that have trained their bodies over the years to do so and are much, much faster than you.  The shoes will not make you faster.  Actually training faster and running faster will make you faster.  Just wear the shoes you are most comfortable with.  give this dream up.  No one is fooled by your SLOW ass times when you're wearing a pair of Vibram Fivefingers.. In fact you loook about the same as a fat dude in a speedo and a pair of Teva Sandals at a pool in las vegas hitting on twenty year old women.  Or about as lame as this dorky Triathlon Podium for age groupers:

 IN summary, if you are NOT FAST, do not pretend to be FAST by wearing minimalist shoes.  About 90% of SLOW people who do so, end up injured.  About 100% of SLOW people who do so, do NOT run faster times.   The more you know.. doo doo do do!