The camp is run by the brother to the neighbor of an uncle who is somehow related to Greg McMillan, the so-called expert running guru guy. Now, G-Mac (as i call him) and I have had some differences in the past regarding what would constitute a "good training" program. he doesn't feel that my 20-mile recovery runs serve as a good recovery run when performed under 6:00 / mile. Whilst explaining to him that I time myself at 3:45 miles all the time for fun, he just doesn't get it. Kind of like a SLOW person with an NCAA bracket. He just randomly guesses what would make a good running program using idiot stuff like science, historical figures, statistics and analytics. Yeah, like that could prove anything. Anyways, enough about that idiot, you could always check out http://www.mcmillanrunning.com/ for more details.. Only if you were one of those SLOW people who could not break one hour for a half marathon.. then it might be of use to you. But then again, so could being fast so whatever.
Anyways, Coach Magellan assembles the camp by selecting a very elite crew. For this year's camp, you couldn't get more elite. it was like an A-LIST P Diddy White Party (or D Diddy Daddy Money or whatever he calls himself). First of all, you had a future olympic champion in myself, we had three random runners frm some tribe in kenya (not sure how coach found them, i think he just literally picked out three random people from a village... they didn't really seem to understand whats going on, but aren't all kenyans fast? So i figured they'd get it), we had former cycling champion Floyd Landis, we had Olympic Sprinter Michael Johnson, we had some guy who went to Oregon in 2002, and two chicks from the 2007 Stanford Women's National Champion NCAA Cross Country team, and a guy named Pedro. Pedro was pretty fast, he said he could run three minute miles too so we got along just famously because Game recognizes Game.
Day 1: We were woken up by the camp rooster Dick Spond (yes he has a name) at a nice bright and early time of 6:00 AM. The day began with an easy 5-mile warm-up followed by 40 repeat quarters on the minute which were performed at :47 by yours truly for the first 5. But you don't need to know the remaining 35, just know that i ran the first five in :47. Well i seemed to have taken to the workout well, but i was worried about pedro. I had a sneaking suspicion that he didn't have a championship running background as he stood there in a sleeveless undershirt, hanes briefs with a cup of coffee and a cigarette asking me if i liked to party... The first repeat was pretty fun although Michael Johnson pulled out after 200 with what appeared to be a hamstring injury and then Floyd asked me if we were testing... I said that i didn't think there'd be a test at the end of this because i didn't read any books lately nor was i instructed too.. He kind of laughed then had a cigarette with pedro.
Later that day i decided to eat lunch with the kenyans. I introduced myself to one of them, i couldn't pronounce his name so i decided to nickname him Cal and the other one Vin. Get it? yeah, the second one was named after famous actor Vin Diesel who starred in my favorite movie of all time, Babylon AD. Well they told me they were from a village on the north side of kenya and that they came to america to start a business. i asked them what mpw they were pushing and they asked me what mpw was. I said that it stood for miles per week and that everyone knew that.. For future reference, why don't you learn more about America! to which the one said that i was an idiot and that he knew more about america than i did. he asked me who our first president was. I said that our first president with the surname of bush was named George. They laughed... ahhh, we got along famously. I then proceeded to tell them about how bad we have it in america... about how my apartment is not big enough, about how little money my sponsor gives me, about how saucony brand running shoes when purchased at Dick Pond Running Stores can improve your luck with the ladies, about how AIDS isn't as popular here as it probably is there (yeah, not really a cool disease to have), about how the toilets flow one way. Then i decided to talk to them about my famous Park Ridge Charity Classic 5,000 metre classic from 2006 in which i won it. I explained every mile and how i felt. i talked about how in love the crowd was with me and about how the volunteers refused to set up a water bottle station for me (i am elite, this is what you do) or comp my $20 entry fee.... and how since they neglected those things, i vowed to never run it again to whcih they DQ'd my 13:57 course record and took my time out of the record books. By the time i finished, i realized that i had spoken for three hours straight and that Cal & Vin had already left the table. Damn.
I looked outside and saw that they were practicing running.... so i joined them. I got out there and ran with them for about a mile when i noticed the garmin showed a 7:44 clip. WTF! I asked them why they were running so SLOW. they said they were warming up... WHAT! i told them that warm-ups should be performed at a 94% age grade and that training should be at 97% age grade and that racing should be done at 100% age grade. They were pretty stunned and asked how many 100% age grades i have. I told them i currently have three. The mile (3:33 PR - 11/23/2010 behind my friends barn in Barrington, IL), the 10K (25:55 in a pole barn located in South Korea), and the marathon (1:59 - Olympic Trials 2012)! They laughed and said that it was very nice of me to share comedy with them. jerks. So i challenged them to another work out, the mile, but tomorrow....they gladly accepted.
Now Coach Magellan pulled the group together for what he called the best workout for an olympian. He set up the track as so...
straightaway #1 (100M) - Coach glued nails rightside up and left about two inches between each set. The goal was to teach you how to run on the front of your forefoot. He said that by stepping on nails, the body learns how to deal with running pain similar to record setting paces. it also teaches the body to correct the running form to a proper front forefoot strike. He said that the reason Meb didn't win the New York Marathon twice in a row was because of his improper foot strike. He also said it was because of his lack of Saucony Brand Running Shoes. It is reccomended that you do 40 X 100 on the :20. This will be a good first set.
The Turn #2 (100M) - Coach had me wear compression shorts with live scorpions residing in the underwear liner. The purpose behind the method was to learn how to run under pressure and to learn to position your crotch properly as it guides your thigh movement. He said that an improper thigh movement would upset the scorpions to the degree that they would sting the junk stored away in your trunk. He further stated that the scorpions were fully trained and were shown over 200 hours of footage highlighting proper thigh movement.
Pedro decided to preemptively try this exercise. He went about 20M when he fell to the ground. He shrieked in pain then seemed to get tired. I assumed it was because he was a smoker and SLOW becuase he just layed there. LIke a lazy bum. like Ashton Kutcher when Demi tries to introduce romance to the equation. Anyways, coach asked for the next runner. I stepped up to the plate. The first one went well, but then i felt the sting. Luckily the scorpion went for the grundle...otherwise i would have ended up on the ground. I ran about three more when i got tired..must... sleeep... now. and just fell onto the track. Must have been the soup i had eaten with the kenyans. Damn! I know better than to eat lentil soup in late march. what was i thinking? And to drink natural spring water too? That is a deadly combo to a runner attempting to run with scorpions near his crotch. Anyways, i woke up about 5 hours later to Floyd Landis slapping me. He then asked if it were cool if he could store some of his "stuff" in my bag. i said "yeah, whatever! just let me run!" so i finished the remaining 40 repetitions... with only three more stings. thank God i was wearing Saucony brand compression shorts, otherwise i don't think i would have survived. Pedro didn't. God rest his soul.
Awesome Straightaway #3 (100M): For this set, the coach set up onehundred hurdles. each with about an inch of room betwixt two hurdles. The purpose was to be able to jump and then control your landing whilst maintaining a sub-4 pace. Easy. Michael Johnson, who miraclously recovered from his morning hamstring injury earlier said he wanted to go first.... The coach was really excited. Then he ran five steps and said he was having some calf cramps and needed to sit this one out.. Cool! its all good. he is an olympic champion. he knows what his body needs. The stanford ladies were next. they moved like the wind until one of them caught the front of her foot on a hurdle, twisted in what appeared to be a cool hurricane dance move, and landed into the next three hurdles. There was a loud snapping sound which appeared to be the culmination of wood breaking and ankles twisting. a little blood was squirting, but a little blood never hurt anybody. Her teammate unseemingly appeared to be grossed out and ran to the cafeteria to get first aid. Coach said that a champion runner does not twist an ankle and that this was a sign that she would not win the workout today.
Finally, it was my turn. I ran the first ten with the strategy of running on top of each hurdle. Boom! There goes the dynamite. I killed it. I even think the Stanford girl was impressed when i used her butt as a cushion to support my next leap. Its good to get people involved in workouts. Especially when you are a future olympic champion. Now when i win the gold medal, she can say she "trained" with me and totally helped me along the way. Overall, i ran 40 repetitions.
The final turn gulley #4 (101M) Coach made this set one metre extra because of the dewel decimal point system. He said that although it sounded inane, it would make sense later on. We were not alone at the track this time, as there were wild cheetah, tigers, and lions on leashes set up. He said that in order to be a champion, we must defeat the champions of the animal kingdom. he then asked for a volunteer. one of the kenyans proudly stepped to the plate. He then said that there would one to 101 repetitions. it all depends upon if and when we win the race against all the animals. Cal chose the cheetah to start. Coach unleased the animal and it immediately ran towards the injured stanford runner still at the track. It must have liked her because it kept growling... She then pulled out the starters pistol and shot it... The cheetah did not move from there. I guess she found the "easy" way out of the workout. But what sucks is how am i going to beat the cheetah now? So i instead chose the tiger. Coach unleashed the tiger and it immediately took interest in me. Not that i could blame it. I look like Josh Hartnett and Fabio and that dude from The A Team all rolled into the body of Adonis. Well, the tiger approached me a little too close when the gun went off.. Boom! I started sprinting... I was about five metres ahead of it with about fifty to go, when the tiger went off course and ran towards the coach. He immediately said that practice was canceled and that we were to immediately run to the cafeteria building.
I decided that i was a champion and finished the run when the other tigers stood in front of me... so i stopped and was immediately surrounded. Now, i learned on National Geographic that tigers hate to listen to Pig Latin. so i said "Tigers, you are all Ussypays!". One of them growled in what appeared to be a laughing manner and then neared me a little closer. I was about to run when the other stanford girl started firing a gun in the air. This startled the animals and they soon ran away. I think one of them said "later bitch" and disappeared into the forest. So i did the most logical thing to do after a situation like this and finished the workout.
Now i write to you from my bed just thinking about how awesome running camp is. I asked my roommate Floyd what he thought about day one. He said that he was blogging on bikeawesome.com and didn't really have time to converse right now. what a great day. I can't wait for tomorrow. Coach promised to explain to me the proper mantra of a running champion
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