Day Fifteen: The Holy Divine

Today after my morning run of 17 miles at a 6:01 clip (recovery), I got a call from my friend Tim (remember SLOW guy who can barely break 4:20 for a mile).  He said that he was helping some first communion children for his local Catholic Church and asked if I could speak to them about running and God.  I told him that this would be an honor for the children to have someone of my stature speak to them and that i looked forward to it.  So I put on an outfit which I thought the kids would really look up to me in and set out to Purpleslake, IL.

Tim told me that the meeting started at 3:30 PM so I arrived at 4:15 PM sharp.  I wanted to teach the kids early that sometimes in life we have to wait for great things to arrive.  In this case, for great people to arrive.  I would have been there earlier, but my gold chain got caught in my car door and I was unable to move for 30 minutes.  Luckily some tow truck driver saw me and freed me.

I arrived and Tim welcomed me in the church with raised eyebrows and a new watch.  well i think it was a new watch as he kept pointing at it and mouthed three words.  Not sure what they sounded like "Shut the truck"... maybe he left his car unlocked.  I wasn't sure but i decided that rather than wait, we will begin this thing right now.

I introduced myself to the children in verse.  I learned long ago that gangster rap was the only way to reach children 6 and under.  I said the following:
"My name is M-Dogg and that is fact,

Even though you're slow, I've always been fast,

I'm the ladies man, from what i've heard,

My mother said that ladies would be lucky to date me cuz my looks are absurd,

I run so fast in my tiger tights,

I run so hard it don't seem right,

I run the marathon and I'm gonna beat Ryan Hall at it,

Because that dude be slow as SH____" 

Suddenly Tim cut me off and said thanks Matt that will do.  I then began a discussion with the kids about my last week's training.  I told them about my treadmill runs, my outdoor runs, my speedwork.  Then i went into every mile split of the week and told them what my thoughts and feelings were at the time.  After forty minutes of this, Tim asked that I tell the children how i found running and how religion is important in my life.  I told the children about running home from Toys'R'Us and then about how whenever other kids would jog in gym class, I would always do sprints because people who jog suck and I don't suck.  I told the kids that God plays a role in my life in that he provided me with gifts and an understanding.  I told them that God created me to inspire others with my speed, and that God created SLOW people to help me along the way by providing me with water, nutritional advice, letting me use their restrooms in their homes on a training run, letting me date their daughters, letting me borrow money from their wallet when they aren't looking to buy shoes, letting me drive my car really fast, and anything else necessary to allow me to win a Gold medal.

By now Tim walked off and he seemed mad.  But it must have been because of something else going on in his life so i did a little Q & A with the children.  Here are some of the questions:

Q:  Mr. Matt, can i be as fast as you one day?

A:  Well Tommy, if that is your name.. oh its not.  Well you will go by Tommy from now on.  Well answer me this, how old are you and what is your mile time?

Tommy:  I am this many (holding up six fingers) and what's a mile time?

A: Well Tommy, a mile time is what people have to determine if you're fast or not.  When i was your age, i was able to hit 4:30 miles easy.  Since you do not know your mile time, you are not fast.  But its ok, your dad was probably not fast either so i am sure there won't be any disappointment.  But don't fret, the world needs people to work the drive thru of Taco Bell.

Tommy:  (began bawling uncontrollably)

Q:  Um, I think i am fast, what type of training should i do.  Oh, I am six years old too..

A:  Well Jimmy.

Billy:  Its Billy.

A:  Anyways Jacky, a good fit six-year old should be able to run 50 miles a week.  What your major runs will consist of will be a long run of at least 15 miles at a clip of 6:10, seven repeat miles at 5:10, and a tempo run where you can at least hit two consecutive 4:50 miles.  That is what i'd prescribe.  You should start next week.  If you are unable to do it, then that would mean you arent' fast and should quit immediately and never take up running again.

Q:  Could you please leave?

A:  But Tim i was just getting started....

And before i could say anything else, these two priests walked me out of the building.  There must have been a time limit or something because I am pretty sure i inspired these children to become the best they can be.  Later that night, as i was passing by SLOW people yelling "TRACK" during a 5-mile run at a 5:55 clip, i couldn't help but feel proud for the job I did in showing the children the light!  Although not one of them will become FAST, or President of the United States, or graduate high school, I know that one of them will eventually end up on my running route, and they will have the distinct honor of getting out of my way when i yell "TRACK".  I guess we all are blessed.  But not everyone is as blessed as me.  Thank you God!