Day Fourteen: Sponsor this

Well its hump day, and as we all know its a pretty good day to get a tan and remove excess from my body.  It was also a sad day, as my one time rival, Alan Webb, failed to break four minutes in race, and thus, has become SLOW.  I will now take it up on myself to become the fastest man on the planet.  I wanna be like Usain Bolt, albeit i refuse to wear the Puma brand, because the pumas are the slowest of all the big cats.  At least that is what my father told me before he sent me to boarding school down the street when i was younger.  Turns out boarding school lasts 24 years because that is how long it took for him to pick me up from it.  Anyways, back to running like material.

After my morning run of 6 miles at a 5:40 clip, which had splits of:
Mile 1: 4:35; Mile 2: 5:00; Mile 3: 5:30; Mile 4: 6:05; Mile 5: 6:10; Mile 6: 6:40

I'm not sure why the clip was on the decline but i imagine its because of alan webb's failure.  His failure hurt my focus, my speed, my inner connection which takes my feet to the streets.  Well afterwards, i went to my favorite running chatroom http://www.letsrun.com/ and started a conversation about how alan webb sucks.  To my surprise a lot of people disagreed with this opinion.  They then revealed that they were SLOW by posting their best times across a variety of race distances.... why do SLOW people feel the need to do that?  Express an opinion in a chat room and then have under their signature "Marathon -  5:10 Topeka, KS; Half marathon PR - 2:45".  First of all, I am not sure who told you those times were respectable because they are not.  Second of all, posting them only hurts your opinion in the chat room.  Of course, the "ADMINS" of the site always try to ban my screen name so i constantly have to change it to "Go Fast Man" or "Fast Dude go" or "Running Fast guy" just so people know that i am a man who runs in a fast manner.

Anyways, prior to doing my evening run, I decided I needed a sponsor if anyone was to take my Olympic run seriously.  So I ended up calling Nike, Saucony, Reebok, Asics, Adidas, and New Balance and no one answered the phone.  So I then visited every store in town which retailed these brands.  I explained to them that I was A) Fast; B) In need of shoes and gear; C) needed money for flights, hotels, and pay-per view movies; D) needed a new iphone (my second one broke on the run this morning, i guess it isn't safe to text and run, but third time will be a charm).  They explained to me that i needed to prove myself in a race.  I then explained to them how hard I train and how as a result of this training my races can hurt sometimes.  I also explained about how weather, type of cement used in constructing the roads, type of paint used to decorate the street, type of water given at water stations, what side of street water is available, left turn/right turn ratio, what degree of left turn it is, and other important factors can turn a sub-13 5K into a 16:25 5k really quick.  I then told them that i run sub-3 minute mile pace all the time and that I am the real deal and when i win the olympic trials, everyone will want to be like me and will buy everything i touch.  Like Midas Oil change....They told me i wasn't good enough.  They explained that there were runners out there who actually weren't affected by these variables i provided..  I said that it was a load of BS and i could run fast whenever i want and they weren't good enough for me.

I was heading back home when i wanted to get some peanut butter.  I stopped at a 7-11 to pick up some peanut butter when i saw my next sponsor.  It was in neon lights and the store looked like it was still open.. i walked in and immediately was treated like a king.  In fact there was no one else in the restaurant, it was as if they cleared everyone out because they knew i was coming over to meet with them.  Well I talked to a guy there and he agreed to give me a full sponsorship.  He said he would buy me shoes, a shirt, some shorts, and all my compression thingys and in exchange i would come in to the place and help out every once in a while.  Like a press conference or something.  He said my main job would be to focus on my running from the dishwasher, and then when i was done there i could discuss it in further detail with the cooks while helping with the dinner shift and then all i had to do would be to pick  up the place and then start again tomorrow.  How awesome!  I now have a sponsor!  I believe this is how sponsorships go.... I gave him my sizes and he said thank you to me. 

So i am very pleased to have this sponsor!  For 40 hours of ambassador work a week, i get to have my running clothes, shoes and some travel expenses covered.  I am not sure why i had to fill out a w-2, but they said it would help with the deal.  Now i gotta figure out which race i wanna do soon to show off my sponsorship.  I am also pondering a q & a session for sometime to answer any SLOW runners questions about how to not suck at running.