Day 54: Preparing to take down Iron Mark

I can't believe its been 54 days of Olympic Marathon training and i was at a running camp.  I know that the training might be getting to me as my weight has dropped down considerably and i appear to resemble some form of a Robert Deniro in the morning when i wash my face with lye soap.  Now not the Taxi Driver Robert Deniro, but the sad one from those Meet the Parents movies they seemingly keep releasing..Now aside from looking old, and feeling old, i read somewhere that runner's are very smart people.  Now given that I am the best runner, I figure I must be the smartest person in the entire world.  So I immediately asked Vin for a pencil and paper because i was going to write MENSA a letter about not only joining but becoming their president.

As I sat there eating Mueslix right out of my Saucony brand running shoe (they trapped one of the tigers in the kitchen, he refuses to leave so i am unable to get a bowl at this moment.)

 How did i get the cereal and milk you ask?  Well, being as smart as i am, i always carry a box of Mueslix on me because it is by far the greatest cereal ever made in the name of all that is Holy!  The milk was a little more work. You see, i have never milked a goat before so I asked Vin to show me.  At first he hesitated... I think its because he saw that i am faster and better than him, so his heart filled with envy, a deadly sin.  But then he must have saw how hungry i was because he pointed to a goat sitting outside our cabin.  He said "Make sure to milk the billy over there in an aggressive fashion.  Remember they only have one utter so you need to make it count."  Well, he didn't actually say that.  I had Floyd Landis do some translating for me... In return, i had to hide more of his drugs.  I am beginning to think that he wasn't telling the truth when he said he didn't use performance enhancing drugs.  And to think!  I risked my good name defending him in honorable forums like letsbike.com, ilovebiking.com, and eharmony.com..   Anyways, so i started working the utter as Vin told me to and nothing really seemed to be working..  So i kept at it and eventually i got a sufficient amount to put in my cereal... However, this goat must have been sick or something because the milk was more of a solid like form and kind of sticky.  Anyways, i didn't let it take away from my Mueslix.

Now Coach told me that he is hosting a half marathon race for all of the campers tomorrow at 7:30 AM.  He said that a good portion of the course would be on the roads which surround our camp and that there would be a lot of hills.  He also said that he was bringing in three of the Chicago areas best runners for the 33rd Annual Skerry March Madness Half Marathon: Iron Mark Makillme, Chadwick Warehouse, and some dude named Jeff Gingervitis.  or at least that is all i heard because i couldn't believe that coach was bringing in these SLOW people to even challenge me.  I bet they couldn't even break 1:04 for a half marathon... ha!  I couldn't wait to race them.  The plan will be to run a slow 4:49 for the first mile and then actually try the rest of the way..

Now the game plan is to get up in the morning around 5:30AM, in preparation for the 7:30AM start. I usually like to sleep in two hour segments the night before a race, in which i do a set of 15 crunches, two push ups and i eat an eggo waffle then go back to bed.  For the final set, i get up around 2 hours before race time in order to eat, digest, poop, imbibe human growth hormone, drink monster energy drink and fully wake up before a race.

I asked my coach about an elite staging area.  He asked me what the hell i was talking about.  i said... you know.  With this race going on, since i am going to win it, do you expect me to sleep in a cabin with Vin?  Obviously i am a winner and winners sleep at Holiday Inns.  I am also a genius and that is where they stay as well.  he said that the "elites" like myself would be sleeping in the kitchen with the tigers since we shared the same blood.  I told him that i was ok where i was with Vin and that i really didn't feel like hanging out with my relatives...  i did tell him though, that when Ryan Hall travels, he gets like hotels, gear drops, nice bathrooms, food, orphans to serve him, deer blood, and anything he wants.  Since i am better than ryan hall, i deserve more.. but i guess all in due time.

Now, in order to have a perfect race, its all about the weather.   A runner needs the Temperature to be in the upper 90s for race conditions to be perfect.  you see, when it is that hot out, you sweat out all of the bad water, and then you can replace it with the good water.  Now elites like me hire SLOW people to drive in golf carts and get me my "Me Fuel" which consists of my racing nutrients in a water bottle.  Its good to sweat.  its also good to be fast, so i guess you can't have it all.. haha.


Finally, in order to have a perfect race, you also need the following:

• Great training (200 mpw)
• Great health
• Great competition (yeah right, not when there are only 2 people in the world who can outrun me... One of them is named Pre and he is dead)
• Hills
• Hot 90 degree temperatures
• Saucony Brand Running Shoes
• Haley's comet
• Race-day magic
• Lose at least 20 pounds the night before a race.

THE GAME PLAN  (PREDICTION FOR RACE)

                 Split               Elapsed Time          Notes
Mile 1:       4:49                   4:49                   Taking it easy.. Just to mess with iron mark
Mile 2:       4:48                   9:37                   keep it consistent
Mile 3:       4:45                   14:22                 now is when i throw in a hammer for training purposes
Mile 4:       5:00                   19:22                This is where a 500 foot hill with a steep incline lies
Mile 5:       5:10                   24:32                After a 1/2 mile of downhill, there's another hill of 300 ft
Mile 6;       5:05                   29:37                I don't want to kill myself for tomorrow's w/o, holding back
Mile 7:       5:00                   34:37                Figure i could make it a semi-progressive run
Mile 8:       4:50                   39:27                Again.  gotta throw in a hammer.
Mile 9:       5:00                   44:27                I like this pace... its not recovery, but i figured i'd throw it in
Mile 10:     5:15                   49:42                This is where there's a 600 ft 10 grade hill.. Mount Suckass
Mile 11:     5:10                   54:52                There are two hills, both small, but may take it easy at 5:10
Mile 12:     5:05                   59:57                Figure i'd progress it at this stage.
Mile 13:     4:45                 1:04:42               Gotta lay a hammer down.  This is my actual race pace.
Mile 0.1:    0:17                 1:04:59               God gave me speed and i gotta use it.


Well, i spent the rest of the day just gameplanning on how i am going to destroy iron mark.  But i think i may have to actually try against Chad Warehouse and Jeff Tonsilitis.  So i decided that a 20 mile run at a 5:15 clip followed by 30 400s on the 1:15 (finish them in :55, 20 seconds rest... its like a recovery run).  Laying in bed, i must have been antsy because my legs hurt and i felt really tired.  So much for recovery.  Guess we all can't be eminem.

Day 53: Running Fast Camp

Sorry friends for the delay in my blog reporting but i have taken shelter in the most ultimate and enduring training camps known to mankind (and womankind, but only those woman who run a 5k faster than 16:30, otherwise you are not considered for feedback purposes.  Sorry, i don't create the rules, Pre does).  I have been training at this camp for about 1.50 years now, so i would consider myself very familiar with the set up and the training regime.

The camp is run by the brother to the neighbor of an uncle who is somehow related to Greg McMillan, the so-called expert running guru guy.  Now, G-Mac (as i call  him) and I have had some differences in the past regarding what would constitute a "good training" program.  he doesn't feel that my 20-mile recovery runs serve as a good recovery run when performed under 6:00 / mile.  Whilst explaining to him that I time myself at 3:45 miles all the time for fun, he just doesn't get it.  Kind of like a SLOW person with an NCAA bracket.  He just randomly guesses what would make a good running program using idiot stuff like science, historical figures, statistics and analytics.  Yeah, like that could prove anything.  Anyways, enough about that idiot, you could always check out http://www.mcmillanrunning.com/ for more details.. Only if you were one of those SLOW people who could not break one hour for a half marathon.. then it might be of use to you.  But then again, so could being fast so whatever.

Anyways, Coach Magellan assembles the camp by selecting a very elite crew.  For this year's camp, you couldn't get more elite.  it was like an A-LIST P Diddy White Party (or D Diddy Daddy Money or whatever he calls himself).  First of all, you had a future olympic champion in myself, we had three random runners frm some tribe in kenya (not sure how coach found them, i think he just literally picked out three random people from a village... they didn't really seem to understand whats going on, but aren't all kenyans fast?  So i figured they'd get it), we had former cycling champion Floyd Landis, we had Olympic Sprinter Michael Johnson, we had some guy who went to Oregon in 2002, and two chicks from the 2007 Stanford Women's National Champion NCAA Cross Country team, and a guy named Pedro.  Pedro was pretty fast, he said he could run three minute miles too so we got along just famously because Game recognizes Game.

Day 1:  We were woken up by the camp rooster Dick Spond (yes he has a name) at a nice bright and early time of 6:00 AM.  The day began with an easy 5-mile warm-up followed by 40 repeat quarters on the minute which were performed at :47 by yours truly for the first 5.  But you don't need to know the remaining 35, just know that i ran the first five in :47.  Well i seemed to have taken to the workout well, but i was worried about pedro.  I had a sneaking suspicion that he didn't have a championship running background as he stood there in a sleeveless undershirt, hanes briefs with a cup of coffee and a cigarette asking me if i liked to party...  The first repeat was pretty fun although Michael Johnson pulled out after 200 with what appeared to be a hamstring injury and then Floyd asked me if we were testing... I said that i didn't think there'd be a test at the end of this because i didn't read any books lately nor was i instructed too.. He kind of laughed then had a cigarette with pedro.

Later that day i decided to eat lunch with the kenyans.  I introduced myself to one of them, i couldn't pronounce his name so i decided to nickname him Cal and the other one Vin.  Get it?  yeah, the second one was named after famous actor Vin Diesel who starred in my favorite movie of all time, Babylon AD.  Well they told me they were from a village on the north side of kenya and that they came to america to start a business.  i asked them what mpw they were pushing and they asked me what mpw was.  I said that it stood for miles per week and that everyone knew that.. For future reference, why don't you learn more about America!  to which the one said that i was an idiot and that he knew more about america than i did.  he asked me who our first president was.  I said that our first president with the surname of bush was named George.  They laughed... ahhh, we got along famously.  I then proceeded to tell them about how bad we have it in america... about how my apartment is not big enough, about how little money my sponsor gives me, about how saucony brand running shoes when purchased at Dick Pond Running Stores can improve your luck with the ladies, about how AIDS isn't as popular here as it probably is there (yeah, not really a cool disease to have), about how the toilets flow one way.  Then i decided to talk to them about my famous Park Ridge Charity Classic 5,000 metre classic from 2006 in which i won it.  I explained every mile and how i felt.  i talked about how in love the crowd was with me and about how the volunteers refused to set up a water bottle station for me (i am elite, this is what you do) or comp my $20 entry fee.... and how since they neglected those things, i vowed to never run it again to whcih they DQ'd my 13:57 course record and took my time out of the record books.  By the time i finished, i realized that i had spoken for three hours straight and that Cal & Vin had already left the table.  Damn.

I looked outside and saw that they were practicing running.... so i joined them.  I got out there and ran with them for about a mile when i noticed the garmin showed a 7:44 clip.  WTF!  I asked them why they were running so SLOW.  they said they were warming up... WHAT!  i told them that warm-ups should be performed at a 94% age grade and that training should be at 97% age grade and that racing should be done at 100% age grade.  They were pretty stunned and asked how many 100% age grades i have.  I told them i currently have three.  The mile (3:33 PR - 11/23/2010 behind my friends barn in Barrington, IL), the 10K (25:55 in a pole barn located in South Korea), and the marathon (1:59 - Olympic Trials 2012)!  They laughed and said that it was very nice of me to share comedy with them. jerks.  So i challenged them to another work out, the mile, but tomorrow....they gladly accepted.


Now Coach Magellan pulled the group together for what he called the best workout for an olympian.  He set up the track as so...
straightaway #1 (100M) - Coach glued nails rightside up and left about two inches between each set.  The goal was to teach you how to run on the front of your forefoot.  He said that by stepping on nails, the body learns how to deal with running pain similar to record setting paces.  it also teaches the body to correct the running form to a proper front forefoot strike.  He said that the reason Meb didn't win the New York Marathon twice in a row was because of his improper foot strike.  He also said it was because of his lack of Saucony Brand Running Shoes. It is reccomended that you do 40 X 100 on the :20.  This will be a good first set.

The Turn #2 (100M) - Coach had me wear compression shorts with live scorpions residing in the underwear liner.  The purpose behind the method was to learn how to run under pressure and to learn to position your crotch properly as it guides your thigh movement.  He said that an improper thigh movement would upset the scorpions to the degree that they would sting the junk stored away in your trunk.  He further stated that the scorpions were fully trained and were shown over 200 hours of footage highlighting proper thigh movement. 

Pedro decided to preemptively try this exercise.  He went about 20M when he fell to the ground.  He shrieked in pain then seemed to get tired.  I assumed it was because he was a smoker and SLOW becuase he just layed there.  LIke a lazy bum.  like Ashton Kutcher when Demi tries to introduce romance to the equation.  Anyways, coach asked for the next runner.  I stepped up to the plate.  The first one went well, but then i felt the sting.  Luckily the scorpion went for the grundle...otherwise i would have ended up on the ground.  I ran about three more when i got tired..must... sleeep... now.  and just fell onto the track.  Must have been the soup i had eaten with the kenyans.  Damn!  I know better than to eat lentil soup in late march.  what was i thinking?  And to drink natural spring water too?  That is a deadly combo to a runner attempting to run with scorpions near his crotch.  Anyways, i woke up about 5 hours later to Floyd Landis slapping me.  He then asked if it were cool if he could store some of his "stuff" in my bag.  i said "yeah, whatever!  just let me run!"  so i finished the remaining 40 repetitions... with only three more stings.  thank God i was wearing Saucony brand compression shorts, otherwise i don't think i would have survived.  Pedro didn't.  God rest his soul.

Awesome Straightaway #3 (100M): For this set, the coach set up onehundred hurdles. each with about an inch of room betwixt two hurdles.  The purpose was to be able to jump and then control your landing whilst maintaining a sub-4 pace.  Easy.  Michael Johnson, who miraclously recovered from his morning hamstring injury earlier said he wanted to go first.... The coach was really excited.  Then he ran five steps and said he was having some calf cramps and needed to sit this one out.. Cool!  its all good.  he is an olympic champion.  he knows what his body needs.  The stanford ladies were next.  they moved like the wind until one of them caught the front of her foot on a hurdle, twisted in what appeared to be a cool hurricane dance move, and landed into the next three hurdles.  There was a loud snapping sound which appeared to be the culmination of wood breaking and ankles twisting.  a little blood was squirting, but a little blood never hurt anybody.  Her teammate unseemingly appeared to be grossed out and ran to the cafeteria to get first aid.  Coach said that a champion runner does not twist an ankle and that this was a sign that she would not win the workout today.

Finally, it was my turn.  I ran the first ten with the strategy of running on top of each hurdle.  Boom!  There goes the dynamite.  I killed it.  I even think the Stanford girl was impressed when i used her butt as a cushion to support my next leap.  Its good to get people involved in workouts.  Especially when you are a future olympic champion. Now when i win the gold medal, she can say she "trained" with me and totally helped me along the way.   Overall, i ran 40 repetitions.

The final turn gulley #4 (101M) Coach made this set one metre extra because of the dewel decimal point system.  He said that although it sounded inane, it would make sense later on. We were not alone at the track this time, as there were wild cheetah, tigers, and lions on leashes set up.  He said that in order to be a champion, we must defeat the champions of the animal kingdom.  he then asked for a volunteer.  one of the kenyans proudly stepped to the plate.  He then said that there would one to 101 repetitions.  it all depends upon if and when we win the race against all the animals.  Cal chose the cheetah to start.  Coach unleased the animal and it immediately ran towards the injured stanford runner still at the track.  It must have liked her because it kept growling...  She then pulled out the starters pistol and shot it... The cheetah did not move from there.  I guess she found the "easy" way out of the workout.  But what sucks is how am i going to beat the cheetah now?  So i instead chose the tiger.  Coach unleashed the tiger and it immediately took interest in me.  Not that i could blame it.  I look like Josh Hartnett and Fabio and that dude from The A Team all rolled into the body of Adonis.  Well, the tiger approached me a little too close when the gun went off.. Boom!  I started sprinting... I was about five metres ahead of it with about fifty to go, when the tiger went off course and ran towards the coach.  He immediately said that practice was canceled and that we were to immediately run to the cafeteria building. 

I decided that i was a champion and finished the run when the other tigers stood in front of me... so i stopped and was immediately surrounded.  Now, i learned on National Geographic that tigers hate to listen to Pig Latin.  so i said "Tigers, you are all Ussypays!".  One of them growled in what appeared to be a laughing manner and then neared me a little closer.   I was about to run when the other stanford girl started firing a gun in the air.  This startled the animals and they soon ran away.  I think one of them said "later bitch" and disappeared into the forest.  So i did the most logical thing to do after a situation like this and finished the workout. 

Now i write to you from my bed just thinking about how awesome running camp is.  I asked my roommate Floyd what he thought about day one.  He said that he was blogging on bikeawesome.com and didn't really have time to converse right now.  what a great day.  I can't wait for tomorrow.  Coach promised to explain to me the proper mantra of a running champion

Day 41: Par-fect Day

By golly, the days are flying by when you are doing something that is extremely fun with your life, which in this case, is: Not working to focus on training, running at painful paces, going to bed early, waking up earlier, skipping out on a social life (unless you call that conversation about the weather i have with Mindy, my McDonald's Barista... when its a $1 coffee, keep those refills coming girl), skipping out on friends birthday parties, baby showers, weddings, actual showers, not going on dates (unless you call that google search on my e-harmony love a date), and overall, just being fast and awesome.  I don't know why more people don't try this.  I mean, as long as you are not SLOW, then it pretty much takes nothing out of your schedule.  Just 14 hours per day dedicated to running, talking about running, looking up stuff about running, scheduling your running, dreaming about running, and watching that awesome show on ABC Family "Pretty Little Liars"... ooh!  i think i know who murdered that girl, but i don't want to spoil the surprises!!!

By now in Chicago, the spring has arrived and everything has thawed out, including my super tight and uber awesome compression shorts which i only save for the first truly good running day in march.  These puppies sport a 3" inseam and allow me to run at substantially rapid paces!  These shorts go really good with a pair of Saucony brand running shoes which are available for sale at a Kock Lakes Running Store near you!  Not to totally pimp Saucony brand running shoes, but my friend Iron Mark once fell off a bike and broke his femur bone in half... So i put on a pair of saucony brand running shoes and was able to have probably the 30th best Tempo run of my life, they are JUST THAT GOOD!  My friend Iron Mark ended up hospitalized, but that is the least interesting part of the story..

So today i decided that since it was sunny and thawed out, i would run at a local Golf Course.  There was one down the street from my humble abode, called Ridge Run.  How fitting that the name of the place had "run" in it..because that is exactly what i was going to do.. hahahaha!  Ok, so sometimes these things aren't as funny on paper as they are in my pants.  Err, wait!  nevermind.  anyways, the plan was to run the five miles to the place at an easy 4:58 clip.  Once there, i was going to do one repeat quarter for every hole on the 1:00 repetition so that i could finish them at a 0:48 and still have twelve seconds rest before the next one.  Then I was going to do some hill repeats, on the RIDGE, and then run the 5 miles back home at a slow 5:02.10 clip. All in all it was going to be about 16 miles of running, which would give me a good workout before my nightime run.

So i left my apartment and headed for the golf course.  It was around noon, so there werent too many SLOW people and cars on the road.  The suckers were probably eating... haha!  Who eats lunch at noon?  Who eats lunch at all?  I no longer live by the traditional meal.. i cook 10 chicken breasts and dice them up on a daily basis and then every 45 minutes i have to have 5 ounces.  This is followed by 8 ounces of water, then 1 tbsp of salt, and a drop of mongoose blood.  I have found that this concoction will reduce injuries by 1.205% over a three year time span.  You just have to get cycled on it early.  Anyways, i arrived at the golf course which my garmin showed was 5.15 miles away in 25:33.. Stupid garmin!  Love and hate relationship.

So i begin at the first hole, when there were some old ladies practicing teeing off or something.. I told them that i was practicing too, at being awesome and an Olympian, and that if they are lucky, i will allow for them to watch me run.  Now my sexiness may have caught them off guard, because they very hesitant to speak for the next two and a half minutes as i started at them and lifted a little shirt to show some bare midriff.  Then i said "You wish" and took off for my first quarter repeat... I was near completion of it in around :55 (way off goal pace, must be the weather), when a ball had landed five feet to my left.  "FORE" i heard one of the ladies yell which was followed by laughter.  "HEY" i yelled back at them... "What is your deal?  Olympian in training here, can't you read the shirt"  It was true, i was wearing a t-shirt that said Olympian in Training on the front and back.  This way people would know, especially the SLOW ones, who could then make adjustments on their part to let me train.  "Ooops, sorry mr. tom selleck".  Damn!  Did they just call me tom selleck?  he is like old and has a mustache.... albeit a pretty awesome mustache, but a mustache nonetheless.  "Women" i mumbled to myself and began quarter repeat #2.  Now i finished this quarter at the green, where i saw an old man with a top hat about to putt.. "Excuse ME!  Sir!  Excuse Me!"  i yelled...  He shanked the putt and threw his club in my general direction.. "Ooh!  nike golf clubs.. nice!  anyways, do you have the time?"  He said "2:15, now scram!"    I asked "and how many seconds?"  he asked why and i explained that i was just trying to verify my garmin becuase it clocked me at a 0:57 quarter mile when i know in deed that i ran a 0:44.. Damn Central Time Zone... The old guy looked confused and angry in a way, so i proceeded...

I hit my next ten quarters fairly easily, but at a 0:59 average.  Must be my shoes.  I knew i should have wore the ones with the longer spikes.. oh well, only six more quarters to go before hill repeats.  I was about to go out for repeat #13 when some dude on a cart approached me.   "Excuse me sir, are you a member here? And what the hell are you doing.. and wearing i might add?" I didn't appreciate his attitude.  Save the Haterade for at home with your average wife, and average kids, and average luxury car from an average year with all of its SLOWness!  I explained exactly what i was doing and he explained exactly how soon the cops would be arriving.  So i decided to bunch all of the quarters together in one terrific sprint towards home.  Amazingly my average was 0:55 which definitely may have been inspired by the fear of going to jail.  i have already been there twice this training period.. no need to go there again.

So i was running home, when i noticed on the bumper of a car a "Golf Medinah! Winning!" sticker.  Hmm!  This Medinah Country Club you say... i am sure they are dying to have an Olympian as a member, for free with unlimited training... i will have to get in touch with their people.  Well i finished the five miles this time in 29:55 which is just a shade slower than molasses.  Damn it!  The day is ruined... I feel like spartacus in episode six when batiatus brings him his wife and then has her killed in one evil and gruesome set up (refer to spartacus: blood and sand, and do yourself a favor and watch it).

Anyways, before i go, i wanted to touch on this "Minimalist" Movement with footwear that i keep seeing.  Why do SLOW people spend money on things which they feel makes them look faster.  Guess what!  Your body is not made for barefoot, minimalist running.  The people who do that have trained their bodies over the years to do so and are much, much faster than you.  The shoes will not make you faster.  Actually training faster and running faster will make you faster.  Just wear the shoes you are most comfortable with.  give this dream up.  No one is fooled by your SLOW ass times when you're wearing a pair of Vibram Fivefingers.. In fact you loook about the same as a fat dude in a speedo and a pair of Teva Sandals at a pool in las vegas hitting on twenty year old women.  Or about as lame as this dorky Triathlon Podium for age groupers:

 IN summary, if you are NOT FAST, do not pretend to be FAST by wearing minimalist shoes.  About 90% of SLOW people who do so, end up injured.  About 100% of SLOW people who do so, do NOT run faster times.   The more you know.. doo doo do do!

Day 35:

Today's morning run was a very difficult one to endure.  I felt that i was ready for it, but when i went out to the track to do it, i came up very short.  Sometimes, as a fast runner, it can be very difficult to accept failure.  It can be very hard to be like a human, or SLOW person, and admit error.  But i will be forward about it.  Today i decided to test my theory of the two minute mile clip deduction and see if in perfect weather it would hold up on a track.

This morning's workout was set at 4 X 800 on the 3:00 (which gives me a minute rest and prepares my legs for the mile time trial) followed by two one mile time trials (goal time of 3:10) followed by 10 X 800 on the 2:50.  Now to the SLOW person this may seem like a challenging workout but its not tough at all.  I mean if Ryan Hall can do it (minus the 3:10 mile splits because he's a pussy) then it should be a piece of cake for me.  Now, not actually a piece of cake.  I haven't had a carb since 2004.  My body is on a very strict diet which began with gel packs and has since evolved to include Horse Tranquilizers, Whale Semen, Honduran Bananas, Cambodian Goat Milk, Swiss Cocao bean, Orphan blood, Lance Armstrong blood (doping purposes), HGH, Steroids, Snickerdoodle cookies, and 75% whole wheat pasta with lamb ears and turkey gobblers.  But anyways, i digress... back to the workout.

I hit my first 800 on the 1:58.  Thank God!  It was not fast by any means but it meant that i could enjoy a minute rest.  What to do, what to do?  I haven't had a minute rest for a while... I decided that for this first break i would think about all the stuff going on in Lebagypt or Afghanarod or texass... wherever all that turmoil is going on.. It made me sad and stuff because i thought about how war was making those people so sad and how they were starving and how Sally Struthers needed me to donate money.. OH  SHIT!  Time for interval two.... I hit this 800 at 2:25!  How could this be?  It must have been because the air was below 40 degrees. My body only performs at certain temperatures... Like Phil Collins singing about "In the Air Tonight".  Oh well..all that mattered was the two 3:10 mile time trials.. i hit my next two 800s at 2:04 & 2:10, respectively, which means that my father will not want to talk to me on this day.  he always said that he only raises winners and that winning was in our genes.  When i took second in a race while in high school, he would always pretend i was some other person's kid because he was embarrassed about it.  But i can understand where he's coming from though... Its a very good way to raise a child and teach them early on that society only loves people who win.  Everyone else is just a smelly loser...

The first mile time trial of the season... oh boy! I brought in a large time clock just so i could see where i was at for each lap.  The gun went off...(in my head... there was no one else there and i didn't really feel like bringing a gun to a high school track).  I hit the first lap at 50 and was feeling good.  Although it was off of my goal pace of 47 second laps, this was the beginning of the year and this was something to build on.  In the middle of the second lap, i started to have a panic attack orsomething.  I know that the herpes flu is going around so maybe it was that because my legs started to hurt and feel numb as i turned over and my breathing was getting deeper and heavy like Britney Spears at an orgy being hosted by the Old Country Buffet.   I hit lap two at 2:00 exactly.. uh oh, there might not be a sub-4 today.  Which is ok.  Lap three was excruciatingly painful.. i think it might have been the vulcanized rubber of the track.  And what the hell does vulcanized mean?  I remember that Spock was a vulcan in Star Trek so maybe the US government had aliens ship us this rubber so that we could run on it...ooh!  Cramps.... But was it that time of the month... This was painful.. Like Charlie Sheen having to deal with the stress of working on the set of "Two and a half men".. Boom, had to do the joke.  But seriously, i hit the third lap at 3:13.. ouch!  Now the final lap was just odd.  I lost feeling in both feet and was struggling to breathe through my nose as some weird nature concoction of snot, puke, and reeses peanut butter cups seemed to reside there... Each breath felt like it would be the last... ouch!  ouch!  But then i surged.  I started to think about how bad i wanted to finish this run....  I ended up finishing in the SLOW time of 4:21.. ouch!  This was absolutely pathetic... and i couldn't do anything but lay down for an hour... Although the ground was cold, i needed it. 

When i woke up, there was a man with a mustache prodding me with a rake and talking into the radio.  His name was Sam and he was a Virgo..  How did i know he was a virgo, you ask?  Because he is an asshole and i am a leo and i absolutely hate Virgos... With the only exception being hot ladies.  Well he told me that the high school team had to use the track.. I told him about myself, my dream and how much better than high schoolers i was because i was an Olympian!  He then called security who escorted me to my car.  Damn!  I still had six miles of racing to go...

So i decided to run around the parking lot.  I finished my second mile time trial in 4:25, which would have been faster if that high school dork didn't run in my way after i yelled "TRACK" and pushed him into a car.  The 800s sucked too as i averaged 2:07 for the remainder of the workout.  During my 10 mile cooldown i thought about what went wrong.. why was today a failure.  The only answer i could come up with was that i didn't drink a monster low carb energy drink like i usually do... Oh well.. I hope i can hit my 25 miler at the goal pace of 5:10 tomorrow... Otherwise i will get a female reproductive organ tattooed on my legs with the initials "R.H." because that is who i will be if i can't get this training done right.

Days 32, 33 & 34: Feeling kinda Windy

Running through the last few days of winter kind of gives a runner a new sense of appreciation for life.  I love this time of year, when the snow finally melts and instead of tights i can wear my 3 inch seamed compression shorts.  I can finally bask in the sunshine as i feel each ray touch each hairless spot of my leg!  You see, i shave my legs regularly in order to prevent chafage and wind resistance which equates to faster times... Plus, the women really prefer to have a man who can show off his well oiled, shaven legs which have less hair than their legs.  i usually go to this salon in the city, its on diversey and sheffield... ask for raul.  But anyways, i digress..

Today to celebrate the spring frolic, i decided to run through the city and bask in all of the greatness that is the City of Wind.  I called my cousin, Iron Stan, up and asked him if he wanted to run with me.  I told him that i was only planning on going 16 miles at a 5:50 clip.  He laughed and asked what i was really planning on doing today.  Fricking SLOW people.  Seriously, if i wanted to run SLOW like at a 6:10 clip, i would carry a camera with me to take pictures of crap.  But unlike my lame cousin, i needed to hit this run at what was already a pathetic pace...ugh.

So i plotted out a little course which involved some major streets like Michigan, Huron, and Clark (Site seeing) and some parts of the Lake Shore Path (More site seeing) plus some loops around Wrigley Field (to get a better understanding of what losing means so i know how to avoid it).  I started off from Southport and Fullerton and made my way north to Wrigleyville.  Now the sidewalks were filled with SLOW and FAT people so i made sure to take to the streets so that i could hit my clip... It was such a beautiful day out, there were people everywhere basking in its greatness and i got to see all of these beautiful cars lined up and down the street.  I think people took notice of my running prowess because there soon was a line of cars lined up for miles consisting of people who probably made up my fan base.  I just waved at them and let my iPOD just DJ the day away.. Boom, i hit mile 1 at a 5:35.  excellent!

i ran by wrigley field and noticed that there already decorations for what should be a season for the ages.  Now, i myself am not a true Cubs fan, my allegiance belongs to the detroit tigers, but i do enjoy rooting for them at home games every now and again.  Besides, i look at all of the fans and i think about how i do not want to be that disappointed by not making the Olympics and by not beating that running pussy, Ryan Hall.  These thoughts, plus the sight of ten frat kids forcing themselves to puke outside of Harry Carays, made me pick up the pace.  Now as i was escaping the wrigleyville, i noticed that there were a lot of chairs aligned with the cars.  Ah, all of those SLOW people... They can't even make it 50 feet from their homes without needing to take refuge in a chair.. idiots.  I hit mile three at a 5:34 clip.. means things are picking up...

I headed down Clark towards the Lake Shore Drive as my next stage would be the lake shore path.  Now i don't know why, but i was starting to feel a little sick.  What could it be?  It most certainly was not the arousing potpourri which filled the air consisting of garbage left on the streets and homeless people who themselves reeked of the what appeared to be the opposite of Subway (eat fresh?)... If not for that, i began to take comfort in the aromas coming from twelve different types of restaurants and the fumes coming from the millions of cars which filled the streets.  Yuck!  I guess the hippies finally got something right through promoting more bike usage....or roller blading.

Once i hit the lake shore path, i started to notice that the bad smells in the air were quickly replaced by an incorrigible aura of douchebaggery.  Running up and down the lake shore path, were what appeared to be pages 12, 13 & 15 of the Men's activewear section of the Nordstrom's Spring 2010 catalog.  I don't know why SLOW people feel the need to coordinate each and every part of their out fit... and how many pairs of those crappy Reebok Zig Zag shoes do people wear.  They are not even running shoes.. Rule of thumb for life, if Cindy Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins endorses anything and you purchase said item... Move to canada.  Quit the USA.  Do us a favor.  If not for the matching dudes, there were many packs of SLOW runners hording up every square inch of trail they could.. I tried to get by one group of badgers (they literally looked like badgers.. one of the ladies looked like this guy i used to play hockey with).. They were moving at quite possibly the slowest pace one could go without walking.  I yelled "TRACK, TRACK, TRACK" to no avail.  In fact, they spread out which resulted in less real estate being made available on the path.  It was like a garage sale at Donald Trump's house, minus the awesome hair.  Damn, that man has phenomenal hair!  Since i could not yell at them to move i decided to sprint and push them out of my way... I moved forward and began shoving the ladies from side to side.  Little did i know that some biker asshole was also coming from the other side.. he yelled "LANCE, LANCE" to which i yelled "TRACK, TRACK".  The end result was yet another runner hit biker accident and i was the only one left standing.  oh well.  I just hit mile 8 and the clip dropped to 5:44... Fricking COWS.  I gotta make this pace up.

The path seemed to clear up once i got south enough... I was soon running down Michigan Avenue.  big pimping spending cheese.. big pimping... P-I-M-P.  Oh man, this was the life as a runner.  I saw all of the big buildings, the advertisements, and the taxi cab ... (BOOM).   As i got up from the ground, i couldn't help but notice the blood dripping from my leeg.. Not again.  Well at least this time i could feel my legs and i felt fine.. I was about to leave when i heard what appeared to be some form of a German accent in the background.  It was the driver and he smelled like a fresh sausage dipped in chocolate and aged over 30 years in a humidor which also contained Paris Hilton's virginity...  Rather than spend more time with this dude i began to run some more...  I noticed he started to chase me, so i took refuge in the Macy's down the block.  As i ran through each aisle, i couldn't help but notice that the SLOW people were becoming startled... well excuse me, i am trying to train here.  Didn't mean to interrupt your unimportant waste of a day spent shopping and probably discussing the latest episode of Jersey Shore with your girlfreinds over at some trendy bar in the River north neighborhood.... Oh and you're not hot.  Maybe twelve years ago but to quote varsity blues "Things change MOX!".  But i digress... I was just exiting the store when i looked at my watch and it read 15 miles at a 5:50 clip.  But the watch stopped..DAMN IT!  How much extra have i run?

I brought it up to the manager about making the store more Garmin friendly.  The manager, who was a grown ass man wearing a suit, with a graphic tee shirt underneath, a tie over the douche tee, and an Ed Hardy hat explained to me that i was in his place of business.  I told him that "business" was a pretty big word for a guy whose only glory was playing on the freshman basketball team in high school and who failed out of Phoenix University online five times.... He said that he graduated from Phoenix after only failing twice, because his mom told him he would have to move out of the basement if he failed it a third time.  I said that his story was kind of like how the cock crowed three times for Peter...he then gave me his number.

Well i left the store and was able to finish my run.  16 miles at a 5:52 cllip.  While this was by no means impressive to even OBAMA standards... it was a good start to a good day.  I got to see the city and it prepared me for the 21 mile run i faced this evening. 

Seacrest out

Day 29, 30, & 31: Like a Nighthawk, baby

I figured out that I am like Batman, a creature of the night.  Some of my best runs are ran in the night time, the time when immortals take the form of man and run incredibly fast.  A lot of SLOW people i know like to run in the morning... I understand it makes it easier to get your "run" out of the way early on, but sometimes i spend hours into the wee morning hours looking up my name on google to see if anyone wrote any articles on me and i also delve into the athlinks to see if there are any new times posted on my page, or if any of my rivals had times posted on their page, or to see if anyone wrote on my wall.  I also like to provide minute by minute updates on facebook letting people know when i drink tea, use the restroom, buy a sweater, or look at DJ from "Full House" in an inappropriate manner because I feel that these are important things for SLOW people to take note.  After all, everyone wants to know what the fast people do, what they think, what they eat and how they live, so this is a free service i provide them.

Busse Woods (Day 29)
So two nights ago i ran an exhilarating 7-mile run through Busse Woods at 11:30 PM.  It was one of those wild times where none of the usual SLOW people are out, although i saw some of those orange people i have been seeing lately... I think they run for Kock Lakes Running Team or something.  Well on this night there weren't many runners out at all.  The goal was to kick in a 5:15 clip type effort to prep for a Saturday Morning 5k race.  I hit the first mile pretty hard at a 4:30 pace which felt good but i knew that i had to back down the effort based upon the lake effect coming from Lake Michigan into the Schaumburg area.  Sometimes the lake effect severely speeds up my breathing and gives me leg pain as if i am overexerting myself and tonight was no different... Around mile two, i noticed what was one of many interesting things for the day.  I saw a tea party going on in the forest.. and it just felt right.  I would've joined in but i would never want to disturb a tea party as an uninvited guest..  Upon closer inspection, i realized that it was no dinner party at all but rather a homeless guy drinking a Four Lokos beverage (probably the fumes remaining from a can left on the ground) and he was having a discussion about politics with a squirrel.   After hearing some of his points, i really didn't feel that Obama caused the Vietnam War and was hording oil  in a Subaru Outback located in Austrailia, Middle East.. SO i moved on.  i hit the next three miles at a 5:25 clip and was going smooth until i ran into a herd of moose.  It seems like they some how got trapped behind some type of fencing... There were about 12 of them in what made probably the third best looking herd of moose i have ever seen in the last 3 years.  I felt bad so i lifted the botttom of the fence up and started to let some of them out... Well one of them got his antler stuck in the fence and the others started moaning... I tried to lift the fence up further but could not... Then i realized that i had left my garmin on and my overall clip was slowing byt he second.. Well, i am pretty important and i gotta finish the run so i took off.. Besides, the moose got himself into this mess and could probably get himself out of it.  He is an adult.  He should probably get a job while he's at it too...  Anyways, i ended up finishing the run in 38:00 and didn't really feel all too bad.  I had run 20 miles earlier that day so this was a good effort pre-5k race.

Day 30: Recovery Run
I ran 16 miles of recovery run at a 6:34 clip.  I am not really sure what else to write about this.  I wore tights and stuff.  I ate a bagel, it was sesame seeded and i used nutella spread.  I love Nutella spread.  it is pretty cocoa-ey and really makes for an excellent topping..  I talked with some friends and they also use Nutella spread.  Oh, i also wanted to mention that i ran this run in a pair of Saucony brand running shoes.

Day 31: The Race
Today i had signed up for my first 5k race of the season.  The race was pretty huge and i heard a lot of people like Ryan Hall were going to be there... The race was called "The St. Josaphat Church Fun Run to Raise Awareness About Africa And Stuff" so i knew it was a super important date on the racing calendar... As usual, i arrived at the place exactly three hours prior to race time.

I immediately talked to the race director when i got there to discuss the logistics of my Elite Starting Corral and what types of foods & accomodations i would need for the race, before and after. The race director was some guy named Dan and he had no idea i was going to be here.  Geez!  Fricking SLOW amateurs... I told him that i sent an e-mail with my demand list and request for comped entry months ago.  he said he had thought it was a joke and that no one in their right mind would make such requests for a "fun run".  I told him that there ain't nothing "fun" about my sweet running moves and how fast i am going to be at the finish line.  i then said that my performance would probably inspire a nation and spike up registration for next year.  You see, being fast is my business, and making money is the result.

He then told me that there were some bananas on a table somewhere and that i should find them somewhere in the opposite side of the room.  I asked if they were Chiquita bananas because any other bananas would be the equivalent of crap!  I don't think he heard me because he began walking away mid-sentence.  oh well, at least i can potassium-up.

Well i got to the start line and i appeared to be the only one wearing racing spandex.  There was also no Elite Corral.  This was completely unacceptable but since it was the first race of the year, i was ok with it.. I guess.  And then i didn't see Ryan Hall anywhere.. That is until this shoe salesman came up to me and asked me if i thought i was gonna break 20.  i told him that he was clearly too SLOW to speak to me and that he should leave the Elite Corral which was now the 5 foot diameter surrounding me.  I let out a pre-race fart and then the gun went off...

I immediately took the lead and was on pace for a 4:20 first mile.  I looked around and there was no one in sight.  Not even a person on the bike to lead this thing......  I followed some cone thingys and there were SLOW people at certain corners directing me where to go.  I hit the first mile at a 4:36 and was still pretty alone.  I looked around and could not find where my water bottle was gonna be placed.  You see i gave Dan my water bottle which contained Natual Spring Water, HGH, Gatorade, Pig's Blood, Orphan tears (Sudanese orphans, they cry the best), and other race fluids... What the Eff?  What gives?  Well anyways, i wouldn't let this ruin my race.    I turned around mile two and my clip slowed down to a 4:45 pace... There was still no one around.  Some little boy was walking down the street and asked me what i was doing..  I told him that  i could give him autographs later but right now i had a race to win.

I headed towards the final stretch... i could see the finish line.  There was a clock but there were... no Volunteers?  I crossed the finish in 14:37 and saw that there were no people around to take my time, record a result, congratulate me, tell me how awesome i was, hand me a post-race concoction or anything... I walked over to Dan and asked him what gives!  he said that there were no official results because this was a "fun run".  I asked him what the "f" was so fun about racing a 5k with no results... he looked confused and said that it was for charity and that it was good i donated.  I should have known that when i was the only one on the starting line with my own personalized BIB that something was awry.  I asked Dan what my award was for winning it and he said that it was the pride of knowing that people are more aware of Africa for my donations.  I punched him in the face and took his clip board.  This will serve as my reward.  Well, i thought i had hit him hard but there didn't turn out to be a lot of blood.  he started cursing and asking for people to joing him...what a good time for a cool down.  So i decided to run a good 7 mile cooldown east of where this event took place.  Ironically it was where my car was located..  I managed to escape but then i got a voicemail message saying that i was forever banned from the event.  So what!  No Spring Water, no results... who cares.

Overall, these past few days have been pretty good, but i need to step up my game.   A 14:37 5k will win you a "fun run" but it won't get you anywhere with the ladies or pay your rent or buy you Kanye West CDs.  Which reminds me, i need to find a lady to pay my rent and listen to Kanye West CDs with... If anyone knows of such a person, please forward their contact information, race times, and three letters of reccomendation my way.

Thanks!

Day Twenty Seven & Twenty Eight: My Run Is All I Have To Give!

Well it seems over the past few days that I am finally getting over my cold.  While deep down inside i blame SLOW people, i feel that this is another test along the way in my quest for Olympic Greatness.  Although I am sure that most people would try to use a "sickness" as an excuse for losing.  me, no!  In fact, yesterday, I ran 32 X 400 on the 2:00.  This gave me 1:00 rest between each interval...  Even though i coughed what i thought were my left and right kidneys along the way, i felt that this was the only way to beat sickness was to look it dead in the face.  With each breath growing stronger, i could feel mucus accumulating in my lungs.  This was a good thing as I would not want mucus to accumulate in my nose or nasal passages and its about damn time my lungs do something. 

Last night, approximately 5 hours after my track workout, i went for a little 7 mile run at a dec (Deese) clip.  I wanted inspiration. I wanted to feel like i was coming back.  I wanted glory.  So i converted my Backstreet Boys "Millenium" album into MP3s.  wow!  What a rush.. With each step, i could feel those feelings that i had back in my glory days.  Back when i used to be king of the track and was able to go on dates with ladies and stuff...But now aint nothing but a heartache, nothing is a mistake....I dedicated each mile of the run to each member of the Backstreet Boys, with the exception being miles 6 & 7, which were given to Howie & Brian, whom i related to the most, and therefore, were most deserving of two miles each.  For the AJ mile, i decided to age grade at a 90% and run a 4:25.... After all, he was the crazy one!  The song which came on was "I want it that way".....  So I ran my ass off and sang out loud.  I must have been a good singer because soon after i started, every dog and cat in the neighborhood started making noises and singing along with me. 

Mile 2 was dedicated to Howie so i ran it at a 5:25 clip and with style.  Every corner i would do a two step... I would keep running.  The goal of this mile was to quit playing games from the start and just live my life...  The only problem came when i hit a corner, tried to twostep and ended up sliding into a lamp pole which in turn flipped me in the air causing a 180 degree of difficulty belly flop on the ground.  However, with the backstreet boys music going on, i knew that i was too strong to let the old lady snickering get to me so i picked it up and finished the mile. 

Mile 3 was all about Brian.  So i hit that one at a 5:00 clip but made sure to put on a love making face for all of the ladies i ran past..  I found one lil beauty in the parking lot of a Jewel Osco.  I don't think she noticed my "o" face so i decided to run circles around her... Well now i got her attention, because she pulled what appeared to be some sort of spray out of her pocket.  So i paused the garmin and decided to serenade her like Brian would.... I began by serenading her with a lil "Larger than Life" and before i could hit the chorus i heard a spray sound and soon was crying on the ground with the most burning feeling going on  in my eyes.  I asked "Why?  Why would you do this?" to which i heard nothing but running footsteps as a reply.  I gathered myself and decided to continue my run....

Now that i was covered in pepper spray and a mess emotionally, i knew that mile 4 had to be all bout Nick..  So of course, i got all up angry in my face and decided to take it out at a 4:54 pace..  I thought about everything that ever bothered me in my life and just ran it out of my system.  I hit the half at about a 4:30 pace when i just had to pause my watch and bend down and cry.  I don't know if it was "My Love is All I HAve to Give" or what.. but the way Nick hits that solo is just absolutely amazing....  It made me think of the girl I am really in love with.. If she can get FAST enough, i would give her nothing but my love as it is literally ALL that i have to give..  Literally!  I sold all my possessions to buy more Saucony brand running shoes and apparel because nothing makes a run better than wearing Saucony and showing other people that you wear Saucony brand running gear because that drives a lot of respect.... I also have no money because my sponsorship isn't paying the bills... Anyways, i got all of my tears out of the way and proceeded to...

Mile Five was all about Kevin, the mysterious one.  So since it was a mysterious mile, i decided to do a little fartlek in dedication to him.  A good fartlek consists of inserting sprints in your run (which should already age grade at 85% minimal) so that you can step in front of SLOW people and fart on them... I noticed that there were some more of those damn runners who wear orange so i made sure to sneak up on them (NO yelling Track).. "Hi Matt" i heard one call to which i replied with a fart... and then sprinted off..  That is what Kevin would do.... I was able to finish this mile in about 5:30..

Miles six and seven were just repeats.. I finished the run in about 34 minutews which was ok timing, but the experience was one that i'll never forget.  Wow!  A rekindled love i developed for that girl and a fresh energy produced from the Backstreet Boys.  If any of you SLOW people have the chance, you should totally pick up the album.  it is around 10 years old and a classic.  Whether you are running, making love to a partner or yourself, or just sitting in your mom's studio apartment watching "Yes Dear" reruns, this is THE album for you!

Today was just a 20 mile run... but nothing compared to that magic!

Day Twenty Five & Twenty Six: The Sauckness!

Two more days have passed since I've been able to report to you about my Olympic training.  While i do not apologize, because that is only a refuge for the SLOW, I can understand your great desire to hear about and possible envision the fast running of me.  Since Saturday, I have developed some sort of acute cough mechanism in my throat which has not been able to cease even after copious amounts of Whiskey and Turkey Broth (reccomendation from one of my readers).  I have taken approximately 12 dayquil pills and am starting to see my shadow perform actions and movements which do not mimic mine.

But fear not, unlike those running against Rahm Emmanuel, I will not be giving up so easy.  Now the smartest thing that you can do when drenched in a sea of illness is exercise, exercise, and exercise.  The second smartest thing you can do is refrain from eating.  You see, when the illness takes you, it limits the level of output your body can perform.  Since you are not performing at an optimal level, you are not burning calories at an optimal level, so if you eat when you get sick you will become overweight and SLOW.

After a six mile recovery run at a 6:20 clip this morning, i decided i needed to go shoe shopping.  Now there is no better place to buy shoes than my favorite running shoe store in the northwest suburbs of Chicago, Kock Lake.  I walked into the store and immediately the salesman greeted me.  He asked me how much i was willing to spend today.. I told him that i only had about $100 remaining in my checking account from my sponsor.  He said that he could sell me something for that amount.  he then asked if he could observe my gait.  I told him that i was a professional runner and that his careful observance of my "gait" as he put it would be nothing short of mere adulation and possible stalking.  "Fair Enough" he replied and we proceeded to walk over to the shoe racks.  Now there were some other runners in the store at the same time as me... They looked like they were very SLOW and just returned from a run..  Many of them were wearing weird colors like orange or green.  It made me laugh... Don't these fools realized that one should only wear black running clothes because they do not reflect light?  When you are running and you are reflecting light, it really slows down your pace and results in an 8% downgrade to your overall performance.  Idiots...

Anyways, the salesman then asked me what kind of arch i had in my foot.  I slapped him in the face and told him how that was a very personal question and how uncomfortable i would be with answering that... Just as he was about to walk away and tell his boss, i told him that i wanted the new pair of Sauconys.  I said that not only are Saucony's a high performing running shoe but it was also a trusted name in the market.  Saucony offers a wide variety of shoes for every kind of runner big or tall, fat or small, man or woman, normal or canadien.  They offer road flats, track spikes, minimalist shoes, trainers, and even cross-breeds like the Kinvara or Mirage which offer the same support as a trainer but also the unique lightweight feel of a road flat.  Saucony shoes are also a way to improve your life.  I find that when i approach women in a brand new pair of Sauconys, they take to my compliments better and let me buy them stuff.  I also noticed that when i slipped on a pair of Saucony brand running shoes, the size of a certain part of my anatomy, was approximately 5.85% larger than what it was before.  i also noticed that when i was running in a pair of Saucony brand running shoes once that i was able to bench press 1,000 pounds, rescue a lady from a burning building, throw cars high into the air and deep across the ocean, become a five star general in the National Guard, sink an NBA style three point basket, get an autograph from Lebron James, and eat my own weight in Papa John's pizza.  I also find that whilst wearing my Saucony brand running shoes, i am able to give people better directions and offer my friends better love advice.

Now after i purchased my pair of Saucony running shoes from Kock Lakes in the northwest suburbs of Chicago, IL, i couldn't help but notice that my bank account was run dry.  I felt sad, but then decided that hey, i have a pair of Saucony brand running shoes on, and went for a run.  Not even five hours into the run did i find a $20 bill on the street.  That, my SLOW friends, is what we call "ROI" in the business...

Days Twenty Three & Twenty Four: ABS-O-LUTELY

I apologize for not updating the blog yesterday.  I was at the gym working on abs for my annual Ab-A-Thon event.  Basically it raises money for fast runners in need and the contest measures how many crunches you can do in a 24-hour time period.  Of course, i won the event with 23,304,230 repetitions, which was a course record.  The only problem is that no one else had the guts to participate in this competition and there were no SLOW people there to cheer me on...  I had paid a man named Libertine a few dollars to keep count for me. 

Today I put in a 20-mile recovery run in the morning to get the legs fresh for tonight's super hard workout.  The run was performed in 2:04 which age grades pretty decent, for a recovery run.  Now i have been getting a bit of a sore throat lately, and am not sure i should continue my running as is or if i need to make an 8% downward adjustment towards my mileage over the next day and a half, which should put me back in God's healthy graces again.

Another activity i was thinking of doing is to replace some of my 10X2X5X4X10X5X56X4 runs with long-track speed skating so that i can hone my long distance anaerobic skills.  I was watching the 1984 winter olympics on the tv and it was just so inspiring to see these people do 5ks in 7:00 and 10ks in 13 minutes.  I feel that once i start doing that, those times will be easier for me to achieve with just running alone.

Final order of business is that there will be the first SLOW person Q & A session coming very shortly.  Please make sure to either post a question on this entry or e-mail one to matt@jeromix.net.  Now i am sure that most of the questions will deal with "why can't i be fast?" but i will do my best to help you out. 

Olympic Marathon Qualifier Goal Time:  2:02:59
Olympic Marathon Gold Medal Goal Time:  2:00:00

Day Twenty Two: This run is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S?

Today was the first day i decided to try that new diet i concocted.  The goal was to consume as many bananas, gel packs, gatorades, water, and monster energy drinks as i could before this morning's run.  Then i was going to make sure that everything was "sealed" so that i could maximize my pace potential by having all of those nutrients stay in my body.

So i used a lot of duct tape, petroleum jelly, and weezer albums to make this happen.  Finally, my theory could be proven true.  The goal was to do ten miles and i felt i could get it done.
I started off pretty well, although i felt my stomach gurgle a little bit, but i figured this is what would happen.  its like bringing a picnic basket to the park, its all heavy when you take it out of your 1986 volvo station wagon, and then you gotta tell your date that your other newer car is in the shop,a nd then bring that heavy picnic basket to an area where there are very few people and where visibility is at its least, and then tell your date to try all of the foods in the picnic basket while you just sip on water and wait... err.. I mean, my body is like a picnic basket as its heavy at first and then gets lighter as the food is processed. 

The first mile was slow at a clip of 4:55, but i figured with all of this food, that would be how it is.  Right when i made a right turn for the second straightaway, that is when i felt the first stomach ache.  Now normally during a run, this is where you burp or fart or something to clear the line... But since that was not an option, my body kind of did a reverse fart which not only created an even bigger stomach ache, but i could feel it heading north on the body by jake parkway...  Ugh!  Well i fought and fought and made mile two at a clip of 5:20.  Only eight more to go they say.  I then proceeded to make my right turn on to Evergreen Street, which happens to be my favorite street based on the number of red cars which park on the street.  I feel i run faster when there are red cars, don't know why, but my average age grade is typically 1.15% higher.  Now, i rounded mile three and i knew there was a problem.  You see, my stomach felt heavier and heavier and soon i felt the need to turn around... quickly.... ahhhhh!  So i did a little turnaround and was going down the street at a substantially rapid pace.  Now as the pace picked up, i felt that the food in my stomach was moving just as fast... I looked at the average clip at mile four and we were at 5:15 which means i hit a 4:59 for that mile.  I kept moving and kept moving... Soon it was as if the Greeks delivered the Trojan horse and were trying to break down my city walls, which were protected by duct tape at this moment...  A mile and a half i kept telling myself...

Now i was running and i kneew this was a time bomb.  I kept picking up the pace as i didn't want this thing to go off.  I saw an oncoming car approaching me from the opposite lane and they turned on the left blinkers.. Ok, i am 200 yards away, there are no other cars around.. make the turn. NOPE!  The person kept looking at me as if i were moving 100 mph.. I motioned my arm for them to turn, but they just sat there.  Finally i am about to reach the intersection and they moved one inch forward, whcih caused me to stop... I moved an inch forward, then i stopped because i saw she started moving... "Move your f%&&%ing car, i am trying to run"  "TRACK"  "GO" are phrases which i yelled at her as she just stared blanklessly apparently in fear that i was going to run into her car and hurt myself.  We were at a deadhalt for about 20 seconds when i started to move again, when all of a sudden she moved... UGH!  I stopped and yelled "JUST GO ALREADY" to which she waved for me to cross.... I then proceeded to wave for her to cross.  For a period of five minutes, we were waving for each other to either turn a car or cross a street.  There were cars lined up behind me and cars lined up behind her, honking, waiting, wondering just what the hell was going off.   It looks like we have ourselves a Classic Texan Standoff.  So i sprinted forward for five yards further (only two yards to go) when her car turned as well and nearly hit me.  I jumped up in the air like Wilt chamberlain at an orgy and was able to jump over the front bumper of her car.  What i didn't realize was that this athletic manuever, this leap of faith, this masterful example of human perfection was the straw which would break the levy...Like Justin bieber would say "Baby, Baby, Baby NOOOOO!!!".. I will remember what happened next for the rest of my life in slow motion... As i landed this manuever, i absorbed the impact with my legs and bent down on my knees just a little bit.  At the same time, the tape broke off and there was an "Exorcist" like emission of energy drink, gel, banana, and everything else moving out.... which propelled me in the air again... This time i flew about seven feet up in the air and was not as agile with landing my fall...   which was right on the hood of the lady's car... Splat!  It was a giant mess.  by this time, people were walking out of their cars and just standing in awe trying to determine what just happened here... I looked at the ground and there was just a pile of well, energy drink mix, we'll call it which was kind of shaped like the Voltron symbol from the 1980s.....   Now, i no longer had a stomach ache so i decided to continue running..  I finally got home and burned all remaining evidence which i was wearing that day.

After a nice cold bath of rubbing alcohol and hydrogen peroxide, i put on the Lady Gaga "Fame Monster" CD to relax.  What a long day.  I plugged in my garmin and it did reveal some of the best paces for the first five miles of that run that i have hit in two weeks.  Overall, my five miles were at 25:59.. Mile six included an hour of a Texas Standoff so i disincluded it from the list.  SO while my diet proved to make me a little faster for this marathon tempo paced run, it was not worth all of the baggage... Project Fail.  At least tonight i know to go untaped....