New Watch / The Mile

Have you ever woke up one day with bundles of energy and more inspired to do greatness than you could ever imagine.  I had dreamed all night about running my marathon PR of 1:44 in front of the billions of running fans across the world.  Crossing that finish line and putting that gold around my neck.  It would be as awesome as getting a blumpkin from Oprah while at the same time your favorite episode of "That's So Raven" comes on TV.

Well i used that energy to continue this Olympic dream.  You know the routine.  Four gel packs as soon as wake up followed by a quick 5-mile 1x1x0.50x3800xAx30x40 work-out.  Took it out at a Z2 and then finished at a Z6 but didn't waste my nut on a Z7.  its like keeping a steady age grade at 91% but not above 97%.  You gotta save yourself for the races, you know.  Still, I am not a SLOW guy so you can't go EASY.  I feel that is what's wrong with SLOW runners... they are always running easy.  They are always running in groups and laughing with each other and looking like they are having fun.  Running is not fun.  Running is not for friendships and groups.  Running means a lot of pain and sacrifices and finally showing Ryan Hall that he is a SLOW pussy and that he should have given me that autograph when i saw him at Chuck E. Cheeze rather than walk away from me.  I keep that memory with me for every long run, every tempo run... I will show him!  I must show him! 

Anyways, I decided to buy a new watch because when i woke up - mine wasn't working.  It started when the screen looked a bit faded.  I typically use one of those cheap GPS watches that you find at a Walgreen's for $9.99.  You know, the kind that measure your mileage and pace but don't specifically display that information forcing you to press the lap button when you feel you come across a mile.  So i really invested into this nice Speedo Watch which should do the trick.  It is made for lap swimmers... While they are SLOW, they still are an underappreciated group who really loves measuring distances and times and stuff.  See the picture below and make sure to put a napkin on your keyboard as you will drool all over it like a teenager attending the boner fest they call 90210.. wait, is that show still on tv anymore?  I was always a Brenda Fan.

For my afternoon run, i decided to test my new watch on the track.  I like to use the local track at my high school down the street.  It has 8 lanes and is the color red for veangeance.  Today is my favourite workout, Repeat Miles.  I went to the track at 3:00 PM so those mean school kids weren't there to say disparaging remarks about how good looking I am and how sexy my legs are when i train in my marathong.  Normally i would wear the 3 inch Saucony shorts, but it was feeling a little warmer this day, and i really wanted my legs to be free so i could run faster.

I stepped to the line and went.  BOOM!  I took off like a rocket... I didn't look at the watch but i could tell i was going really fast.  Now, you know i have run sub-3:00 miles before so i was pretty pumped.   Finished the first lap and felt great so i threw on a big Serj.  Getting faster and rounding the corner.. When all of a sudden, i felt the air coming out of my lungs before completing lap 2.  That is crazy, my lungs don't fail 2/3 into a mile.  It obviously can't be me, because i am in phenomenal shape..  Oh, those dickhead throwers didn't cover up the fences surrounding the track.  I watch the weather channel and it is true that wind carries much faster on Tuesday Afternoons when you are running on a track in a valley.  THat is why high schools don't have meets on Tuesdays.  You  have to optimize performance.

Finally, i hit my third and final lap of the mile and stopped the watch.  A fricking 3:10.  There must be something wrong with this track.  It took me 3 minutes and 10 seconds just to run a FRICKING Mile.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Am I old?

And then it hit me.  The stupid wind.  I decided to run a 10 mile cool down and think about my failure to break 3:00 for the mile.  Right when it seemed everything was going my way... This sucks.   I feel like an Australian in the Olympics... I guess tomorrow I will have to be better.  I must be better.  Otherwise, if i am not better... Ryan Hall wins.  And worse than that, he will beat me because i am too effing SLOW! And then he'll probably tell me that I did a good job and that he'll pray for me or something stupid like that.  UGH...... Maybe its the fucking watch.

The Beast is Back - 2016 Olympic Gold Dream

What is up, my SLOW bitches?

So i decided to kick that pussy Matt off this blog because no one wants to hear about some SLOW ass douchebag running in circles around ice rinks at SLOW-ASS 6 minute paces.  I mean, if i really wanted to read about that, i would walk into an abortion clinic and have them cut off my scrotum and feed it to me and then after i processed it through my butt, i would go to a plastic surgeon and have him surgically stitch my scrotum back in place.  Anyways, your favorite future Olympic marathonner is back and this time i got some beef with every f***ing pussy slow runner who has tried to take my roost in my absence.

As you were aware, i suffered a concussion and was hospitalized a few years back and gained 50 pounds.  I tried to come back and return to form but it just didn't happen for me as quickly as i had wanted it too.  So rather than blow your mind with beautiful anecdotes about me attempting to run, i decided to let the doucherino blog a bit.  I mean, he seemed alright and kind of funny at first, but now he is just a SLOW WHINY BITCH.  I can't fucking take  it anymore and then he fucking writes the same poem from the movie "The Grey"!  Are you FUCKING SERIOUS?  That is like Ryan Hall going out to a race and claiming he is going to win.  It just doesn't fucking happen.  I am over that pussy.  I let him win the Olympic Trials or whatever... and then what does he do?  He backs out of the race.  Sad.  Its really sad.  We have like zero sub-2:00 marathonners here in The America of United Estados or something.  Are we a generation of pussies?  I mean, Pre could run like 60 sub-2:00 marathons in a matter of two months.  He could run a 2:15:00 marathon as a recovery run.  And now you have all of these articles in Running Times or SLOWRUNNERS WORLD about guys who can barely jock off a 5:00 mile pace for 20-miles.  Well, fuck it.  I'm back.  The king of running has returned and i will have my veangance!
 

So today is the first day of training.  I ran an easy 20-miler at a 4:45/clip which consisted of a two minute warm-up, 30x100 metre striders followed by 1x3:00 hard; 1x5:00 hard; 1x60:hard.  Repeat.  That is how men do fartleks.  Who the hell came up with 1:00 hard/1:00 easy.  Who needs easy?  If i wanted to run easy, i would just pace Ryan Hall.  Hell to the no. You think the Kenyans run easy?  Do you think the Ethiopians run easy?  No.  They don't!  And neither should you.

So it feels good to have 20-miles on the week.  I have been training a bit beforehand, but i should get going again soon.  Tomorrow i feel will be a good time to explain to my boss that i will not be working at Burger King anymore.  Hell no, my friends.  I am going back to running full time and i will blog about it.  You can use my training as your lessons on how to run.  I will also take questions.

Lesson of the Day:  When you go on a long run.  Try not to drink any liquid at least 24-hours before hand.  Weather doesn't matter.  The goal is to train your body to create its own fuel.  How do you think Galen Rupp got so mediocre?  So for you SLOW people out there, don't drink fluids.  Seriously.  You're probably FAT as a result of your being so SLOW so you could use the weight loss.  Water weight is bad. You don't want to look like Zach Galifinakis in a swimsuit.  I mean shit!  Its bad enough that you can't even break 4:00 for the mile, hold off the water there hoss!
 

Ok.  I am about to eat a champion's dinner:  One slice of wheat toast with a Burger King ketchup packet.

Shit... that reminds me.  I need to get a sponsor again.  And i need to get a coach.  I guess I got some work ahead of me.

New Year's Grieve?

It was Saturday December 31 and i set out to complete the last long run of the calendar year 2011.  I had decided earlier in the week to try to run with the running team based out of Schaumburg, IL that is sponsored by both Saucony brand running shoes and running gear as well as Kock Lake, a local running store chain.  We met at Barrington High School which was uniquely named as it was located in this community called Barrington.  Everyone had met there at 8:00 AM to go for the run, but i showed up at 8:15 and made them wait.  Rule #1 when you are  a FAST Superstud like myself and celebrity is that you should NEVER show up to any event on time.  While it is already super exciting for everyone just to have the honor of running with you (for a quarter fraction of a second), it makes  it even greater when they have to wait a little longer for said glory.  I told everyone to relax because i was finally there, to which the entire group showed support with the "you're number one" hand gesture involving the center finger which i am so accustomed to receiving.  I love being loved!

Everyone was going some weak distances (12 to 15 miles), so i decided to run with whoever was going to go the fastest.  It turned out to be some kid going 6:40s which was weak sauce but i decided to "active recover" for five miles and chat with him.  After the five, i looked around and no one was in sight.  Pussies.  What kind of running club is this?  Maybe its a jogging club or jelly of the month club.  Either way, i turned up the heat and blasted through the next 10 miles at 5:10 average clip.  I started to circle around just to see if i could find anyone?  I didnt' find them.  I did see a lot of horses and all of the streets looked the same with the exact street names seemingly going forever.  Whatever, i am so fast i just beat these guys by 15 miles before they reached 4. ha!  I am so FAST and such a stud, i guess you can't buy talent!

I ran for what my garmin read as 10 more miles but at a 5:40 clip. I slowed it down because i started to see the same scenery again and i think something was wrong.  The same three horses on the MacDonald ranch... and there was the same dead squirrel doing some weird form of a sixty nine position on the side of the road at Ridge Ave.  Hmm... Something was wrong.  I have gone 25 miles and am yet to see ANYONE! 

So i ran a little further (like 2 miles at a 5:50 clip) and then decided to head back.  I made a few turns and looked at my watch... 6:30 clip.  What the hell?  Something is wrong as i don't EVER run this slow when there is effort involved.  I think my garmin was broken and then i also saw those horses again and that same DAMN dead squirrel... so i decided to sprint until i saw something familiar.  BOOM!  I ran so hard and made it to that stop sign and decided to go right.  I ran all the way until Algonquin Rd as i had been doing and then made a right on this other street which seemed familiar.  I then made a right turn at Ridge Avenue and discovered that same DAMN SQUIRREL AGAIN!  FUCK!  So i kept running and then noticed the same three horses on that damn farm.  Looked at my watch and just hit 6 miles at a 6:55 clip.  I have now gone over 30 miles... AHHHHHh!  Where am i?

So i decided the best thing to do was run foward until the stop sign.  There was a  left turn arrow on the ground which was seemingly left by someone wanting to be followed.  So i instinctually made a right turn.  Then i reached Algonquin Road.  I know this street so i made a right turn.  I then hit this right on other street that seemed familiar.  Then made a right on RIdge.  uh oh.  Why do i keep ending up int he same spot?  It took about 4 more hours of running and the clip kept getting slower until i finally figured out i was running in circles and got to my car at a 12:00 clip.  Wow!  I just ran 60 miles when i had only set out to do 20.  Ugh.  What a terrible way to end the year.  So i drove my car to that dead squirrel and brought him for my wall.  I needed a reminder of my failure to recognize direction or signs..

Later that day i went over to Iron Mark's house for a New Year's Eve party.  I was not invited but i noticed that this girl, with whom i was involved in a stalking relationship with (i need more background information before i ask her out and we make sweet love), had RSVP'd to his party.  Then i got an address and boom i showed up.

As soon as i got there, i announced to everyone that i would not be drinking because i was a runner and in training for the Olympic Marathon.  I also said that i would be leaving around 10:00 PM so that i could wake up early and go for a training run.  People called me lame and said that it was NYE and i should at least party a little bit.  SLOW!  That is what i declared all of them.... SLOW!  FAT & SLOW!  They don't understand how to be awesome and live awesome.  LIFE is way more fun when you are training and winning stuff.  So i decided to stick to my plans.

Iron mark said that he understood my stiuation and handed me a drink.  i took a sip and nearly spat it out... "Why does this orange juice taste funny?"  he said it was because i was soo thirsty from my long run and proceeded to hand me another... and another.. and another.. Before i knew it i had my shirt off and was singing clay aiken songs on his karaoke player... My  head felt really weird but i had SOO much energy!  I kept drinking the OJ he gave me.  But now i was hungry.. He said he had burgers to which i declined... i am on a diet.  He said that they were fat free burgers from McDonalds.  YUM!  So i ate 15 quarter pounders with cheese... they tasted SOOO good.... i took a sip of my drink and looked around... uh oh!  The room began to spin.  Next thing i knew i woke up on the floor next to a garbage pail and my eyes were watery.  What was in that orange juice? I looked in the garbage and saw puke galore... YUCK!  the smell made me puke more.  i looked at the clock and it read 10:30 PM.  That must be wrong... So Iron Mark asked if i was thirssty. I said yes and he gave me some more orange juice and as soon as i took a sip the world went dark.

I woke up again and the lights were off in the house.  Somehow, i was naked next to the fire place.  I looked at a clock and it read 4:35 AM.  What the hell?  My body felt destroyed... There was puke everywhere and i think someone threw all of his couch cushions all over the place and broke all the beer bottles everywhere...I was thirsty.  So i went to the fridge to get another orange juice drink to quench the thirst.  There was a note.  It read:

"Dear Running Fast Man,

please get the F%*$ out of my house.  You've ruined everything and its going to cost me thousands to fix it.  You weren't even invited to the party.  I think you even made out with a picture i had on the wall.  Then you tried to go further.. By the way, i put vodka in your drink so now your new years day running plans are F$%*ed.  Ryan Hall put me up to this.  Good luck recovering from this, bitch! On a side note, i look forward to kicking your ass in the Indoor Marathon.

i hate you,
Iron Mark"


Boy i felt like crap.  I have never consumed alcohol before but i swear i will never have another sip ever again!  I wish i could remember more but for some reason i can't.  I all know is that Iron Mark cannot win that marathon.  I will destroy him.  and that pussy ryan hall!  Time to go for a run!

Time to Ca$h in like Ke$ha!

Well, i have had the best couple weeks of training.  I was able to get in 175 miles in the last 14-days at an average clip of 6:10 which includes some recovery runs.  While doing it, i was also able to shed about 25 pounds.. To date, i am only 15 pounds over my racing weight which is good because i am hoping to go sub-racing weight by this year's Boston Marathon and for sure by the 2015 Summer Olympics which my friend Iron Mark told me were being hosted in Afghanistan.  He also mentioned that i should make sure to book my flight and hotels because they usually sell out three years in advance.  So in addition to my running goals, i now have the goal of raising $4,500 to book the trip (which i am pretty sure i will receive back thirty-fold in endorsements and prize money for breaking 2:00:00 in the Olympic Marathon finals).  The only trick is to figure out how to raise this money.  I am too talented to waste 8 hours of my day at a job to make money, surely there is some type of way in which an ELITE FAST ATHLETE can make cash fast.  While I plan on phoning Obama about this one, the second best thing i figure i can do is daily visits to the sperm donation bank.  After all, who wouldn't want their children to be as beautiful and as fast and as dashing and as modest and good at heart as myself.  I am the dream!

Today starts a new week.  Yes, i am aware that others like to go Monday through Sunday or Sunday through Saturday for their 7-day running weeks, but i would like to refer to those people as SLOW in this business.  Real men start on a Thursday and end it on a Wednesday and in doing so cram in around 200 miles.  While i am still 8 weeks away from my first 200-mile week, i have scheduled only a pedestrian 125-miles for this week which is in line with the 50% rule.  As a conservative measure, one should never increase one's weekly mileage by more than 50% from the previous week... Lest one is super fast and awesome like myself and has olympic sperm and blood running through one's body.  Yet, i will stay a little cautious this week, i don't want to risk my fat ass getting injured.  As embarrassing as it is being 6'2" and 170 pounds (FAT), it could be worse and i could be back in that hospital.

Today's run was a 20 X 1GRRR with 20m KI plus 40m KO followed by 6 X 400s at 95% AG then finally finished with a 6m RECO @ 5:54.  In laymen's terms, the workout is going to start off with 20 by 1-mile repetitions at Greater than Really Rapid Running Pace (4:40 average) with 20 metre Kick Ins (Foot to Chest) followed by 40 metre Kick outs (foot to ass) on the 3:00 pace with 1 minute rest between each repetition.  Afterwards i am going to run 6 X 400-metre runs at a 95% age-graded pace (49 seconds) with about a minute rest between each one.  Finally i am going to finish with a 6-mile recovery run at 5:54 pace (Easy).

overall, the workout went really well.  While i was only able to hit about half of the miles at sub-5 pace, i really felt like i dominated the Kick-outs (my ass is bruised).  There was a bit of wind on the track whcih i think caused my lungs to over-act and require me to breathe heavier and wheeze a bit.  This was most apparent after the fifth mile all the way until the 20th rep.  However, i still hit the last one at 4:59.55 so it was good.  It was so good in fact that some kid who was running on the track alongside me (until i pushed him out of the way) cheered me on when i left the track and headed on my 6 mile run home.  I think his dad liked me too because they honked the horn while following me for a bit and yelled some stuff out.  Of course i couldn't hear what they were saying as i was jamming to some "i'm yours (The Remix)" by Justin Bieber featuring Hot chelle rae... It is probably ten times as good as the jason mraz original.

As soon as i got home, i made sure to properly nutrition myself with a healthy mix of mueslix, ten gel packs and porn.  After finishing my nutrition process, i was very tired and took a three hour nap just awaking to the sounds of my landlord pounding on my door.  I opened the door and he asked me where my rent was.  I told him that its at the finish line of my next race and when i win all of that CA$H, i will totally pay him back for this month's rent as well as prepay at least three months worth.  He was seemingly not impressed (because he is FAT and SLOW and does not understand anything other than blah!blah!blah! bitch where my money) but he said he would give me another 30-days as that is how long it would take him to find a replacement tenant to "occupy this shit hole!  get your shit together, bitch face!" and then he slammed the door.

Shit!  Now i need to raise $550 for this month's rent on top of the $4,500 i will need to book my trip for the 2015 Olympics in Afghanistan.  Looks like i am going to have to pick up the training and find me some races.  In addition, i wanted to avoid this but it looks like i can't.  I am going to have to start racing on the Chicago Underground Racing Circuit.... While you can make a quick buck, rumor has it that people get injured and some people even die.  You see, all of the races are done underground in the sewers and there are lots of people watching and gambling.  As a result, it is very high stakes but the winners get good cash.  When you don't trip and fall on the random AIDS-infested objects on the ground, sometimes people in the crowd will throw shit at you too... Or even worse, cut off your arm.  If you ever wondered what happened to Alan Webb or Jon Chermak, two of the greatest runners to ever race in high school then look no further.... They were just two victims of being at the wrong prostitute attended high stakes underground mile race at the wrong time. 

You call it dangerous.... I call it life!

Ultra Marathons = Ultra SLOWness

Oh boy what a weekend.  I think i have the most fun weekends of all time, i am like Tommy Lee.  First of all, on friday i was able to get in a good morning run and good pm run.  On saturday, i got in a good morning run, a solid afternoon run, and then a great evening run.  For lunch, i met a friend at a panera bread from like 11:00 AM until 11:20 AM (Its called a social life, losers!  so glad i have one).  Then yesterday, i woke up early (having passed out like late night on saturday round 7:30 PM) and was able to run 20 with a friend in the AM followed by a solid PM run.. Man, i did so much this weekend, its hard to believe i had time for it all.  But you gotta remember, I am a FAST guy and people love me.. So that is why i get the killer weekends and all of you SLOW kids have like loser weekends.

While i was able to get in a paltry 60 miles this weekend, its tough sometimes to remind myself that i AM just starting off and that we all begin somewhere.  You don't just start running 200 mpw weeks off the bat.  I mean, that pussy Ryan Hall probably has never even heard of 200 mile weeks... But that is where i will be very soon.

While most of my runs were held at a steady-state pace with age-grading between 88.78% to 90.755%.  I really had fun with my long run... My buddy Iron Mike came out and met me in this place called Barrington, IL.  It is a pretty serene type place with many retail buildings, diners, and cougars to fill one's heart content.  They say that it is the type of place where old money lives but only at the expense of your soul and your dreams.  Trade in that freedom for a Lexus.  Most of all, it is filled with SLOW people.  God made this place hilly because he knew that this was where the SLOW would take refuge.  By putting those hills there, he ensures that studs like myself can run without having to give autographs, converse with strangers or otherwise break out of my olympic routine.

Iron Mike is a crazy guy.  He is kind of slow but ballsy.  He ran a slow 2:30 boston or something (i don't think they record results for marathons after 2:14:59... the clocks just turn off.  That is what i've heard).  But he started off the race with a 3:59 first mile and that is like ok.  Nothing like the low 3's that i usually run, but he was deemed suitable for today's run because i am just starting off and i need someone who has some talent and could hold a conversation with me.

We decided to run 20-miles because i was in need for a recovery run and i guess he was too.  So we set off from the tennis courts of the high school, which i think served as the set for that Friends television show everyone loved..  The first mile was kind of rough, but we hit it at a 7:30.  a seven f%**ing thirty.  Seriously, who the f%**% is this guy?!?  I asked him if he left his testicles at home because this was unacceptable. He said he ran a 60-mile run the day before and was kind of tired... I asked him what pace he ran it at.  he said like 7:40s.. WHAT!?  How can you be tired?  I was like I can run 7:40s for 458-hours straight!  That's right, there is no typo there.  458 hours straight.  he said i was exaggerating, and i told him to exaggerate this and sped off for a 4:55 mile.  Haha!  F%*% Iron Mike, enjoy your slowness and all of your slow people races.

You see, he told me he is planning on racing a 50k, 100k, 100 miler, and some weird 24-hour race in Indiana or Ohio or one of "THOSE" states... For you beginner runners who are NOT in the know (and are probably SLOW), you have to understand the thing about these "ultra" races.  They are for "ultra-pussies" who run "ultra-slow" over "ultra-long" distances.  If God gave you running talent, you RUN and you RACE.  If God didn't give you running talent, you COACH.  If you can't COACH, you bowl.  If you are TOO SLOW for bowling, you "run" ultra races.  its like the republican party.  No one with any real chance or plan goes to these things, but somehow we end up with a winner.  A winner who ultimately is a loser and has no talent and you have to wait until the next race to find a new one.

Well, after that 4:55 mile, my stomach started hurting and my lungs were a little "sore".  I knew they were sore based on the panting and the heavy breathing which had to be an allergic reaction to something.  So i stood by the side of the road for like a minute just to puke out the energy gu gel bar i ate when Iron Mike comes running by and asks if i needed any help.  Um, NO! Go run your 7:40s buddy... Maybe you can get some 70-year old grandmas to be your pace leader. LOSER!  So i muscled enough energy and hatergy to sprint right past him and zoom in some good miles.. 4:45, 5:00, 5:15, 5:30, 6:00, 6:30, 6:45.  It wasn't until i ran a 6:59 when i looked at my watch and realized i wasn't sustaining a 4:30 pace like i thought i was (remember i write these times post-humously which means after the run).  I think there was something wrong with my garmin because that pace was totally 4:30.  And i know i didn't lose that much talent over the 90-days and 50 pounds where i couldn't hit a 4:30 clip for 20-miles... well, the stomach hurt again and this time i fell to the side of the road..   fifteen minutes later, Iron Mike runs by and gave me a number one sign with his middle finger.  Boom!  I know i'm number one and i appreciate his effort and honesty about my superior running skills...

Well, i get back and just re-fuel my run with some more Hatergy (like energy but fueled by hate) and hit the next sequence of miles at 4:55, 5:33, 5:45, 5:59, 5:59, 5:59, 6:01, 6:02, 5:59, 5:59, and 6:40... Again, i looked at my watch and was pretty pissed off about the clip.  I mean, what is going on with all of those satellites?  How are THEY this far off.  I've been running so long that i know what pace is.  I know what pace feels like.  i was going to be a pacer for the 2004 Olympic marathon as a teen ager but i chose not to because i had homework to do that weekend.  I finally got to my car, and somehow i was weezing and panting again.  What is going on with this?  This was not a good day.   Not at all.  Ryan Hall must have screwed with my Garmin when i was sleeping last night and then put random tear gas bombs along the route to screw it up for me...

Well, this was a complete disappointment.  I hit my "recovery" 20-miler at 2:03 something.  Absolutely pathetic.  If i keep this up, i will never win any races, i will never get a girl, i will never become a homeowner, i will never become an olympic champion and i sure as hell will not be able to beat that pussy Ryan Hall.  So tomorrow, we are doing a double.  We are going to do a HUGE track workout in the AM followed by a 12 X Mile X 200 X 30 X 44 X MILE X a-squared type of tempo-fartlek-kickers run on the progressive.  This will kick us back to our original shape. 

If you really want to be a champion, you have to follow through on every word you say.  But you have to follow through!

Hurting for a Spurting

Have you ever felt sick before a run?  Like really felt sick....  Ever since Monday i have just been sore and my body has not been responding to certain runs as i've liked.  For example, this morning during my pick-up run my goal was just to run 5 miles easy followed by 5 miles hard with a 5 mile kick.  So for example, i would want to hit my 15 miles in less than 1:20 for it to really count for weekly mileage.  However, i was so sluggish in the beginning that my easy miles only came in at a 5:52 clip.... Then when it was time to go hard, i hit my first mile in 4:58 followed by 5:50, 6:30, 7:45, 9:02.... then when i went to kick (the actual workout part of it), i had nothing left... i jogged in a 6:20 something which equates to like a pathetic 2:50 marathon.  jog!  SLOW!  What is wrong with me?

After talking with a doctor yesterday, it made me realize that i can't trust anyone.  Doctors just wanna make money so they WANT me to believe something is WRONG with me.  Others are hired by Ryan Hall, that pussy, to try to prevent me from training... Some people are just TOO SLOW to even understand what a fast person's issue could even be... I am quite perplexed, like at the creative writing table for that Chipwrecked movie coming out...

I spent the rest of the afternoon throwing a tennis ball against the wall and made a game of it.  My mom asked me if i was ok, and i told her to leave me alone.  Can't you see i'm trying to get back to my fastness!  She then brought me down a gallon of Edy's ice cream.. yum!  ate that shit right up.

At 8:00 i was scheduled to run 6 miles at a tempo (4:45 clip).  Well that is what i used too run.  I don't know any more... So i just took off.  The first mile went ok at 4:45 when i started to get a stomach ache.... the next few miles are too slow to mention (non sub-5) but i will just let you know i came within three inches of puking on a raccoon and about four minutes close to rescuing someone from salmonella... After i got home, i just fell to the floor.  I could not move.  what is wrong with me?   My body hurts!  My legs hurt... everything is so tiring.. Why?  I know i haven't run in 3 months but its not like i am training hard... I can't take a day off.  I won't take a day off!

Perhaps i'll schedule a run with Schmo Nukeits and the Silver Fox tomorrow.  They probably will have some advice.  They are pretty slow but i gotta figure this out.  After all, if i can't train hard and return to greatness and beat that pussy Ryan Hall.. Then what is the point of life?

Return from Innocence

Went to the doctor this morning to see what is wrong with me.  After hours of blood work, diagnostic checks, and other medical testing.. the doctor informed me that i was suffering from fatigue.  I told him about the lame 25-miler i did a few days ago and he said that it was a phenomenal feat and that i should take a few days off from running and whatever else i do.  what a quack.   I can't believe he would reccomend such things.  Its probably because Ryan Hall, that pussy, hired him to stop me from training and getting better.  Stupid doctor, i'll show him.

First thing i did when i got home was reweigh myself.  Look at that.  I lost 2 pounds.  Woo hoo.  Only 48 more to go til i'm back at race shape.  To celebrate my feat i ate 8 gel packs and a gallon of edy's ice cream... it was a habit i picked up during my time in the hospital.  I only had myself, that silly bird in the window and the seemingly unlimited supply of mackinac island fudge ice cream from edy's to keep me company.  Oh, and that cool television program "Friday Night Lights".  If only God made me as good at football as i am at running, i would be the next Smash Williams.

Seeing that my legs were still feeling a little thrashed, i decided to go for a 10 mile run without the watch.  Running without a watch is quite possibly the dumbest thing anyone could ever do besides fecalphelia.  How the hell do i know what pace i am going?  How about how many miles i've gone.  It seems like its been two hours already when i passed my old coach's mailbox... 1 mile.  damn!  this is going by slowly.  so i decided to pick up the pace.  I was running pretty hard when i came around Old Hillman's Hill which was a 25 degree downgrade made up of cement with yellow stripes in the center lane indicating that there is traffic on both sides.  There were curbs on the east and west sides of the street with an adjacent sidewalk situated about 24 inches from it.   A few telephone poles lined the street as well and they were connected by wires...  It seemed that every few hundred feet or so there was some type of sewer duct too.  It was at that moment when i realized how beautiful my settings were that i ran into a telephone pole... BOOM!  Wow, the shot hit my forehead like kim kardashian with an STD test.  I was on the ground feeling very woozy... my head was throbbing and i felt nausea and dipsea all over the place... I picked it up and continued running.

Wow was i dizzy and it wasn't clearing up.  So i ran into a 7-11 and filled up a large slurpee cup.  I didn't have any money so i explained to the guy that i was an olympic athlete and i needed the fuel and it was his duty as an american citizen to allow me to take it.  He didn't seem to care about the slurpee as much as my demeanor.  He asked if i was alright.. i sadi of course.  He showed me a mirror and i saw a huge bruise over my eye and i was bleeding... oh no!  What if i can't finish the run?  I can't let that happen... absolutely not.

So i finished my slurpee really quick to get back to my run when... F*(#!  What was that?  My head hurts even worse nwo..... i threw the cup at the guy and asked him if Ryan Hall put him up to this.  Why is everyone trying to get me today?  I proceeded down the street when i hit the home depot.  That was the five mile marker usually when i go this route and judging by the sun's reflection off of the cars i would say its 3:15.  Wow!  I started at 3:00 PM.  What that means is i just ran 5 3:00 miles (World Record) which included stoppage time for the fall and the slurpeee.. Holler!  And i knew because of how great i was there was absolutely no way i could be wrong about this.

So i trekked it back home, slowing it down a little bit.  After all, i just set the world record for the 5-mile road at 15 minutes and change.. i deserve to take it easy.  As soon as i got home i wrote a letter with my finest pen on the only available paper i had, the back of my T-Mobile phone bill..  I mailed that letter straight to the USATF to let them know about my feat.  I also put down "CC: That pussy Ryan Hall".  hehe.  I think our champion is back!

Day 2: The Trackwreck

Woke up today feeling a little sore, but i think it has more to do with the fatness than my superb running abilities and supersonic recovery speed.  You see, people who are fat and slow take longer to recover which is why they can never get good workouts in like me.  While they will never hit levels that i hit in my runs, they make up for it with other skills like being able to get me water whenever i need it, eating taco bell tacos, or even advancing to super awesome levels in the World of Warcraft.  not me though, because even at 50 pounds overweight, i am like super fast still and nothing can stop me.

As i finished my Mueslix, something odd struck out at me.  My legs still ached and i felt this sense of lacking energy, but i don't know why.  So i looked at the box of mueslix, and yup there it was "Use by 12/15/2020".  Man, i should've known.  It is an industry secret that you have to eat cereal 12 years before it expires otherwise you get achy.  I knew something was up and it had nothing to do with my recovery.  Still, i loves me mueslix like lil wayne loves hoes and tattoos so i finished off the bowl and put on the running gear and headed out the door.

The objective today is to do a track workout.  Yesterday was a complete failure with my 25-mile suck-ass run so i was going to make up for it today.  For all you beginner runners out there, whenver you have a bad workout or have to miss a day due to injury or illness (SLOW people disease), it is always best to double up not only on miles but on effort too for your workouts the next day.  Otherwise your 7 day running week will be well, weak.

So i popped a gel pack and got going.  it was a 3 mile run to the track and i was going to do 17 x repeat miles on the 4:45 just to take it easy but let out some steam.  I am about two miles into my recovery/warm-up run when i just feel achy and slow.  Why the hell am i so achy?  I look at my watch and the garmin shows i am at a 7:30 pace.  WTF!  This is like the worst warm-up pace ever.  McMillan totally outlines me at a 5:42 warm-up pace because i can run a 3:15 mile so this is crap.  So i decide to sprint the rest of the way... OUCH!  My legs hurt but i am up to my 5:42 pace for warm-up..>> Now there must be that smog in the air because my lungs are hurting too and my breathing is out of whack.  I hope i didn't catch one of those respiratory illnesses again...  Well i finish my warm-up run and get to the track. CLOSED FOR WINTER is on the sign.... So i just assume it means "CLOSED FOR LOSER SLOW PEOPLE", "WINNERS ENTER WITH CAUTION".  Well it didn't say it, so i spelled it out with my urine in the snow.

I did my striders and got to stretching... My legs still ache.  Ok, this is crappy.  How the hell does my body ache after a stupid 25-mile run at a GOD awful slow pace of 5:52. Yuck!  So i crank out the first mile.. I am about at a 5:30 pace halfway through and just feel like absolute hell.  I finish it at 5:40.  Ugh!  Recovery pace.  That is one.  Only 16 to go.   I get through the second one and it is 5:44.  I get through the third and fourth ones at 5:50 & 5:55,respectively... Now, i am on the ground in absolute pain.  My knees hurt, my legs hurt, my balls hurt (from that raccoon yesterday), and i am on the ground heaving... But it obviously is because of the smog that gave me a respiratory illness..  Definitely nothing to do with a 25-mile recovery run.

I start my sixth one and just slipped on a patch of snow.  Nothing is broke but my body is hurting... I got after five minutes when a security guard comes and flashes a light onto me.  That's when i realize i am bleeding a little bit.  But no problem.  I Thank him for his help and continue running.  I get one lap in and he stands in front of me and says "HEY!  Track is closed".  I told him that i know its closed to slow people so i won't tell any.  See that is why FAT & SLOW people are good people, they can keep the track clear of riff raff so that winners like me can train.  He then said "NO!  GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!  You've already fallen and hurt yourself.. you CAN'T be here" and calls someone on his radio.  He then asked if i saw anyone piss outside.  i told him no.  He said just in case, i should wait here while he calls an ambulance to treat my wound.  Right when he turns around, i take off and just get going..

I don't know if it was the adrenaline but i feel like i was going super fast.  I think the FAT security guard took two steps and then was out of breath because he is SLOW.  I was hitting a great pace when i realized!  I forgot to stop my garmin when i fell.  My mile split is currently at 20:05.  SHIT!  I knew something shitty would happen.  Now my garmin mileage is going to be tainted and screwed up because this 20:00 minute mile.  Damn it!  I am going to have to change my computer's password again just in case anyone figured it out the last time.  Ooh, there is a good password "time".  Aha!  Now my secret is safe and i don't have to kill the security guard to protect it.  #winning.

The next two miles were at a 6:50 & 6:30 pace. ouch.  SLow and my body absolutely aches...  I get inside and am about to drink a gallon of orange juice (runner's post-workout secret) when i notice a picture of that HOT Jenny Simpson on the cover of my running magazine....  Although the magazine sucks ass and is nothing compared to the genius that is Chicago Athlete Magazine.  Uh oh, my legs are wobbly and i feel a little bit dazed... As i feel my body fall to the floor, i can't help but think.... Why does my body need a recovery after a 25-mile r..... WHAM!

Day 1: Ground Zero

It was a crisp morning, it was the first morning of my new running regime.  As i sat on my living room floor naked eating my bowl of mueslix and listening to the radio, I couldn't help but get excited to be fast again.  Although i had no milk to enjoy my cereal with (thanks mom, way to be SLOW and not supportive of olympians), there was a murmur in the background that made everything okay.  I think it was the sound of someone's car playing Lifehouse "hanging by a moment" or it was my alarm clock which i programmed to play the same song every single day.

Now today's run was a scheduled 25-miles at somewhere in the 5:50s.  Although i gained 250 pounds and looked like Meatloaf from "Fight Club" (Fat & Slow), i knew i could at least hit this pace.  I have known all kinds of slow idiots with no talent who run this type of run all of the time.  So if THEY could do it, being completely inferior to me in every single way, i knew that i could do it too.  The goal for this week is to just ease into running again slowly.  You know, something like a 90-mile week.  A week where there is no pressure as i don't need to hit anything dees until tomorrow when i try my first track workout. Yup, like my senior prom when i actually became more of a virgin than i was before, i was going to take this slow.

I laced up my Saucony brand running shoes and put on my compression socks, not recovery socks (those are for pussies).  Although the main difference between compression socks and recovery socks (other than being a pussy) is $15.  That is what my good friend at Kock Lakes told me.  His name is John Itchmyson.  I like a lot of support for my long runs, so i put on the Saucony Hattori which provide me with 4.4 ounces of cushioning.

Boom!  I opened the door and took right out the door.  The garmin seemed to be working fine and Al Roker said that it would be absolutely perfect weather.  I started the run around 10:00 AM So that all of those SLOW people who lack TALENT could go to their loser jobs and allow WINNERS like me to get my training runs in undisturbed.  Who needs money when Saucony will give me money.  Once i get my "wings" back, they will pay me probably somewhere in the millions.  ALbert Pujols got like $250MM and he is a pussy like Ryan Hall.  If he can make that kind of money swinging his stick at some balls being thrown in his face, then i definitely will make billions.  I think Meb made a cool million..probably wasted it on things like a wife, kids and ahouse though.  Those are the type of things that will hold you back.  Ooh!  Just checked the Garmin, i've hit the 0.50 mile marker and we are at a 4:59 clip.  Dees, but good that i started off that slow...

Seemingly a good day, but then i made a turn around this street corner and slipped a bit.  The type of slip that splits your tight shorts in half like a fat guy at a Nickelback concert.  No, literally!  My tight shorts split in half.. shit!  I looked at the Garmin and i'm only 4 miles into this run and my average clip is 5:40. Shit!  Not only have i slowed to beyond recovery pace but now my boys are hanging out in the back.  Oh well, i am a champion and the ladies can now see what a true champion works with. 

I was able to get 7 more miles in at a 5:55 clip.  Slowing down, yes!  but only 11 more to go and i am not too worried about pace this run.  it is the first run of what will be my greatest season ever.  Things were starting to click a lil more, and by that i mean the chafing was now numb so my underbody was finally under control and my clip was up to 5:40 for the next 3 miles.  Then i saw a mother and her three children walking down the street with a police car coming from the other side... Oh Shit!  if they saw me with my split shorts, they're gonna think that I'm wanting to horse around with children like a Nittany Lion.  So i think and then jump over this fence into someone's back yard.  well i landed in a bush and noticed that i was laying on something furry and moving... i get up to begin running again (my garmin is going and i really need to hit my average of 5:50 clip) and then noticed a mother raccoon and her cubs were upset and chasing me in a small enclosure.  So to keep the run going i begin running in 10 metre circles around the raccoons.. They seem to be confused and held back accordingly... the mother would occasionally lunge forward but then back up when i would make fart noises near her cubs.  Looked at the watch, boom!  Just hit a 6:05 mile (shit!) that is so off.... so finally i decide to make my way to the fence.  I take a big leap and stretch my arms over the fence and start pulling myself up.  That's when i realize that my backside is exposed and thats when i feel her claw in a certain area which resulted in a shot of pain that went straight up my spine and  launched me in the air and about five feet into the street below...

Ouch!  I am laying there and all i can think about is that my garmin is still going and i need to pick it up and run.  I get up and start going.  i get around 3 miles and i start to feel a little dizzy... I look at the garmin and i seemed to have gone about a 6:30 clip.  Shit!  I reach behind and just graze my finger on my buttcheek (left) and brought it back.  yup!  blood....  how am i going to get this run finished at my clip if i am bleeding.  Luckily it was only the first run so i didn't need to worry about pace.  Yeah, no worrying about pace as long as i can maintain between a 5:50 and 5:51 clip then pace won't matter.

I picked up the gait a little bit and make it about 2.5 miles to a street light.  Looked at the watch and hit about 5:45... awesome.  Picked up the clip.  Picked up the clip.  But luckily the pace didn't matter as this was just a recovery run.  I can run a lot faster than this after all, o ne would only have to take a look at my athlinks to realize that i am way faster.

FInally, i hit the home stretch and am about to finish my run in the driveway when my neighbor comes home playing some Britney Spears garbage from her car.  I sprint to the finish and told her to shut her crap off.  Looked at the garmin.... Finished my 25 miles in 2:26:55.  Shit!  That effing sucks, on a run when pace didn't even matter i end up running a piss poor 5:52.  What the hell are people going to say when they break into my computer and read my Garmin?  They're gonna know... OK, so i will change my computer password ... aha!  now people will not be able to see this poor of a day.  Luckily athlinks doesn't show training run times otherwise that would be embarrassing to show too. 

I hate it when you do a race and don't PR.  Then people think that like you're that slow when you totally can hit that PR time or better. I always correct people and let them know that i can run it like a minute faster and that today was just a tempo run.  Yup... this run today was just a tempo.  Pace doesn't matter although a 5:52 is really shitty.... Stupid pace.

The Return of the King

I return to this blog, not as a champion but as a failure for a human being.  Not long after my last post, I suffered what appeared to be an insigificant injury whilst running on the Ice Age Trail in Wisconsin.  I was moving along at a substantially rapid pace (3:45 per mile clip) which is like a really good tempo run.  I was about ten miles deep into the run when it hit me.... I tripped over a root and collapsed about 100 feet into a deep gorge.  To put the fall in laymen's terms, try to compare it to the Chicago Bears second half game plan against the Tim Tebow.. Except in this situation, the Tim Tebow could not perform a miracle on my leg.  The fall lasted what seemed like a lifetime over the course of 7 seconds.  The 7 seconds to change my life.  There was a bone protruding from my leg and it was at that moment, when looking at my bloody leg, that i realized that my biggest fears would come true:  I would not be able to finish today's run.

I had been averaging around 205 miles per week for quite some time, like around 10 days.  I felt like spiderman when it came to my running form because it was perfect...  except without all that spidey web goo.  There was about 30 days left before my big test to get into the Olympic Qualifier Marathon.  So as you can imagine, i needed this 23-mile tempo run.  I needed it more than it needed me.  And i failed.  As the ambulance took me away, some guy kept touching my arm asking me if i was ok...  What a jerk!  Here i am sitting there with a bloody leg knowing damn well that i was unable to fulfill my daily miles today and he is trying to horse around with me like Jerry Sandusky...  Well as they took me to the hospital, i knew in my mind that things needed to change.  BADLY.  SO I planned on reducing my workout for the next day to only 30 X 400 repeats on the 1:20, that way i can get :25 seconds rest.  Easy stuff....

Well the accident occurred about 3 months ago.  I just returned home from the hospital and the doctors, who obviously are SLOW people, wouldn't even let me run or try to figure out how i could run in bed.  I think that Ryan Hall set this up because he knew how great I was.  I bet he hired those doctors to hold me back to keep me from running, to feed me gallons of vanilla ice cream while i watched people dance on the Ellen show.  Sometimes a bird would fly to my window and i would hold great conversations with it.... It was boring though.  Life without running is like rock music without Lifehouse. 

The good news is that i can walk again.  The bad news is that I've gained 50 pounds since the accident.  I have returned home to my parents basement and have come to grips with the reality that i will not be able to race in the Olympic Trials Marathon in January.  However, i know i am fast because you just don't lose fast.  Slow people can't lose their slowness, but i will never lose my fast.  Tomorrow, i begin my new journey.  After three months off, i will begin training again.  Not because of the Olympics, no that is four years from now.  NO, this time i am going to train so that i can once again step on the battle field and defeat Ryan Hall in a foot race... because he is a pussy. 

Tomorrow's run is scheduled for 25-miles at a 5:45 clip.  I figure with three months off, i am probably fat & slow so going at a recovery pace is probably the best idea.  My sponsor dropped me, so i will probably have to stop by Kock Lake's running store and pick up their complementary shoes that are located in a basket near the door.  I think they leave them there so elite runners like myself will always have something to run in.  Not like music by Gavin Degraw which creates sound you want to run from.  The only problem is they don't clean the shoes and they smell... but oh well, new beginnings.