Day Fifteen: The Holy Divine

Today after my morning run of 17 miles at a 6:01 clip (recovery), I got a call from my friend Tim (remember SLOW guy who can barely break 4:20 for a mile).  He said that he was helping some first communion children for his local Catholic Church and asked if I could speak to them about running and God.  I told him that this would be an honor for the children to have someone of my stature speak to them and that i looked forward to it.  So I put on an outfit which I thought the kids would really look up to me in and set out to Purpleslake, IL.

Tim told me that the meeting started at 3:30 PM so I arrived at 4:15 PM sharp.  I wanted to teach the kids early that sometimes in life we have to wait for great things to arrive.  In this case, for great people to arrive.  I would have been there earlier, but my gold chain got caught in my car door and I was unable to move for 30 minutes.  Luckily some tow truck driver saw me and freed me.

I arrived and Tim welcomed me in the church with raised eyebrows and a new watch.  well i think it was a new watch as he kept pointing at it and mouthed three words.  Not sure what they sounded like "Shut the truck"... maybe he left his car unlocked.  I wasn't sure but i decided that rather than wait, we will begin this thing right now.

I introduced myself to the children in verse.  I learned long ago that gangster rap was the only way to reach children 6 and under.  I said the following:
"My name is M-Dogg and that is fact,

Even though you're slow, I've always been fast,

I'm the ladies man, from what i've heard,

My mother said that ladies would be lucky to date me cuz my looks are absurd,

I run so fast in my tiger tights,

I run so hard it don't seem right,

I run the marathon and I'm gonna beat Ryan Hall at it,

Because that dude be slow as SH____" 

Suddenly Tim cut me off and said thanks Matt that will do.  I then began a discussion with the kids about my last week's training.  I told them about my treadmill runs, my outdoor runs, my speedwork.  Then i went into every mile split of the week and told them what my thoughts and feelings were at the time.  After forty minutes of this, Tim asked that I tell the children how i found running and how religion is important in my life.  I told the children about running home from Toys'R'Us and then about how whenever other kids would jog in gym class, I would always do sprints because people who jog suck and I don't suck.  I told the kids that God plays a role in my life in that he provided me with gifts and an understanding.  I told them that God created me to inspire others with my speed, and that God created SLOW people to help me along the way by providing me with water, nutritional advice, letting me use their restrooms in their homes on a training run, letting me date their daughters, letting me borrow money from their wallet when they aren't looking to buy shoes, letting me drive my car really fast, and anything else necessary to allow me to win a Gold medal.

By now Tim walked off and he seemed mad.  But it must have been because of something else going on in his life so i did a little Q & A with the children.  Here are some of the questions:

Q:  Mr. Matt, can i be as fast as you one day?

A:  Well Tommy, if that is your name.. oh its not.  Well you will go by Tommy from now on.  Well answer me this, how old are you and what is your mile time?

Tommy:  I am this many (holding up six fingers) and what's a mile time?

A: Well Tommy, a mile time is what people have to determine if you're fast or not.  When i was your age, i was able to hit 4:30 miles easy.  Since you do not know your mile time, you are not fast.  But its ok, your dad was probably not fast either so i am sure there won't be any disappointment.  But don't fret, the world needs people to work the drive thru of Taco Bell.

Tommy:  (began bawling uncontrollably)

Q:  Um, I think i am fast, what type of training should i do.  Oh, I am six years old too..

A:  Well Jimmy.

Billy:  Its Billy.

A:  Anyways Jacky, a good fit six-year old should be able to run 50 miles a week.  What your major runs will consist of will be a long run of at least 15 miles at a clip of 6:10, seven repeat miles at 5:10, and a tempo run where you can at least hit two consecutive 4:50 miles.  That is what i'd prescribe.  You should start next week.  If you are unable to do it, then that would mean you arent' fast and should quit immediately and never take up running again.

Q:  Could you please leave?

A:  But Tim i was just getting started....

And before i could say anything else, these two priests walked me out of the building.  There must have been a time limit or something because I am pretty sure i inspired these children to become the best they can be.  Later that night, as i was passing by SLOW people yelling "TRACK" during a 5-mile run at a 5:55 clip, i couldn't help but feel proud for the job I did in showing the children the light!  Although not one of them will become FAST, or President of the United States, or graduate high school, I know that one of them will eventually end up on my running route, and they will have the distinct honor of getting out of my way when i yell "TRACK".  I guess we all are blessed.  But not everyone is as blessed as me.  Thank you God!



Day Fourteen: Sponsor this

Well its hump day, and as we all know its a pretty good day to get a tan and remove excess from my body.  It was also a sad day, as my one time rival, Alan Webb, failed to break four minutes in race, and thus, has become SLOW.  I will now take it up on myself to become the fastest man on the planet.  I wanna be like Usain Bolt, albeit i refuse to wear the Puma brand, because the pumas are the slowest of all the big cats.  At least that is what my father told me before he sent me to boarding school down the street when i was younger.  Turns out boarding school lasts 24 years because that is how long it took for him to pick me up from it.  Anyways, back to running like material.

After my morning run of 6 miles at a 5:40 clip, which had splits of:
Mile 1: 4:35; Mile 2: 5:00; Mile 3: 5:30; Mile 4: 6:05; Mile 5: 6:10; Mile 6: 6:40

I'm not sure why the clip was on the decline but i imagine its because of alan webb's failure.  His failure hurt my focus, my speed, my inner connection which takes my feet to the streets.  Well afterwards, i went to my favorite running chatroom http://www.letsrun.com/ and started a conversation about how alan webb sucks.  To my surprise a lot of people disagreed with this opinion.  They then revealed that they were SLOW by posting their best times across a variety of race distances.... why do SLOW people feel the need to do that?  Express an opinion in a chat room and then have under their signature "Marathon -  5:10 Topeka, KS; Half marathon PR - 2:45".  First of all, I am not sure who told you those times were respectable because they are not.  Second of all, posting them only hurts your opinion in the chat room.  Of course, the "ADMINS" of the site always try to ban my screen name so i constantly have to change it to "Go Fast Man" or "Fast Dude go" or "Running Fast guy" just so people know that i am a man who runs in a fast manner.

Anyways, prior to doing my evening run, I decided I needed a sponsor if anyone was to take my Olympic run seriously.  So I ended up calling Nike, Saucony, Reebok, Asics, Adidas, and New Balance and no one answered the phone.  So I then visited every store in town which retailed these brands.  I explained to them that I was A) Fast; B) In need of shoes and gear; C) needed money for flights, hotels, and pay-per view movies; D) needed a new iphone (my second one broke on the run this morning, i guess it isn't safe to text and run, but third time will be a charm).  They explained to me that i needed to prove myself in a race.  I then explained to them how hard I train and how as a result of this training my races can hurt sometimes.  I also explained about how weather, type of cement used in constructing the roads, type of paint used to decorate the street, type of water given at water stations, what side of street water is available, left turn/right turn ratio, what degree of left turn it is, and other important factors can turn a sub-13 5K into a 16:25 5k really quick.  I then told them that i run sub-3 minute mile pace all the time and that I am the real deal and when i win the olympic trials, everyone will want to be like me and will buy everything i touch.  Like Midas Oil change....They told me i wasn't good enough.  They explained that there were runners out there who actually weren't affected by these variables i provided..  I said that it was a load of BS and i could run fast whenever i want and they weren't good enough for me.

I was heading back home when i wanted to get some peanut butter.  I stopped at a 7-11 to pick up some peanut butter when i saw my next sponsor.  It was in neon lights and the store looked like it was still open.. i walked in and immediately was treated like a king.  In fact there was no one else in the restaurant, it was as if they cleared everyone out because they knew i was coming over to meet with them.  Well I talked to a guy there and he agreed to give me a full sponsorship.  He said he would buy me shoes, a shirt, some shorts, and all my compression thingys and in exchange i would come in to the place and help out every once in a while.  Like a press conference or something.  He said my main job would be to focus on my running from the dishwasher, and then when i was done there i could discuss it in further detail with the cooks while helping with the dinner shift and then all i had to do would be to pick  up the place and then start again tomorrow.  How awesome!  I now have a sponsor!  I believe this is how sponsorships go.... I gave him my sizes and he said thank you to me. 

So i am very pleased to have this sponsor!  For 40 hours of ambassador work a week, i get to have my running clothes, shoes and some travel expenses covered.  I am not sure why i had to fill out a w-2, but they said it would help with the deal.  Now i gotta figure out which race i wanna do soon to show off my sponsorship.  I am also pondering a q & a session for sometime to answer any SLOW runners questions about how to not suck at running.  

Day Thirteen: T-W-R spells Fail!

I can't believe I am nearing nearly two weeks of solid marathon training.  And not just the walk by the lakeshore type of training that SLOW people do. Only they jogwalk in groups of thirty five on the small lakeshore path and complain when other people use the trail.  The worst part is, when i yell "TRACK" they always scatter like a bunch of pigeons in every which way direction so i end up with a mile split like three seconds slower than my target clip.  Anyways, I fortunately do not have to run the lakeshore path til the summer time when i can just be one with nature in God's perfect running outfit:  Compression Socks, Compression Shorts and my lucky cleveland marathon "Gel Refueling Dispenser Station" which goes around my waste and can hold up to 14 gel packs.

After this morning's run (which was a 5-mile run at a 6:00 clip - RECOVERY SLOW), I decided to pick up an i-Phone so that i could use its functions to better track my mileage and chat with other runners.  I went to the Apple Store in the mall and immediately the sales staff assisted me.  They were very helpful because not only did they make sure I bought my i-phone for $700 but they made sure I protected my investment with a $500/year insurance plan to cover damages to it, should they occur (excluding water, cracks, battery usage, overtexting, and any act of God).  The sales person was also nice enough to make sure that i took care of my phone with three leather carrying cases which clip on my pants at $50/each (she said it would make me more attractive), two extra car chargers at $30/each (in case i lose one, i'll have a back-up), three home chargers (one for the bedroom, one for the tv room, and one for the bathroom) and then a second i-phone for $700, should my first iphone break and i need to use one while i wait for the insurance plan to replace it.  All in all, i think i got a sweet deal and am very excited to try the i-phone whilst running.

Well the other day when i was at the gym, i saw this very beautiful girl on the treadmill.  I totally analyzed her form and then gave her my analysis and some reccomendations on improvement when she finished.  She may have been out of breath but the way her eyes raised, I could tell she really appreciated it.  Now she only ran at 9.0 MPH for 30 minutes, but give her some time to work on being NOT SLOW and she would be very dateable.  Now I walked her down to the women's locker room because i am a gentlemen.  She must have been trying to race me there because she would speed up whenever i walked by her side.    Well she finally got in the locker room, and she had dropped her ID card.  Now I couldn't walk in there so i decided to wait until she got out.  After fifteen minutes, she returned and must have been surprised to see me as she jumped about five feet back.  She asked 'have you been standing there this whole time?" and it seemed as if she were reaching her hand back to pull out something from a holster on her side.  When i told her she dropped her card and handed it to her, she replied "How sweet?" and I said "No problem Andrea".  She was stunned and asked how i knew her name, and then i told her the card and she sighed... Then ran in a dead sprint towards the exit.  After she had left, i decided that she not only would need more of my guidance due to me being super fast but also would probably love for a FAST person to call her.  Especially a future gold medal olympian... So i went into the gym's membership database and got her phone number and home address.

Well fast forward to earlier tonight.  I programmed her number into my i-phone and set my garmin watch.  The goal tonight was to run outside for 6 miles at a steady 5:20 clip and text her advice whilst doing this which would make me the fastest texter of the southwest sector of Roselle, IL.  So I began the run and turned onto the main street and began texting...."Hello, how are yo.........." I was about to finish the text when i heard honking and then ending up jumping over the hood of a car.  What the hell!  Its bad enough that the weather conditions are harsh but what is this JERK doing driving all over my training grounds.  I was wearing my USA Olympic jacket i bought off ebay so people would know that an olympian is training in process and don't disturb him.  I got back to the run and looked at the watch and saw that i was at a 5:55 clip (thanks to the stupid car).  So i picked up the pace and saw a text from my future wife.  It read "???? Who the F is this???"  Hahahahaha!  I can't believe it, not only is she gorgeous but she has a sense of humor.  So i began texting "This is M-A-T......" when all of a sudden my footing felt funny and i looked up.  I couldn't avoid it!  I ran right into the front window of the general store on Main Street.  Luckily there was a stuffed bear in the window to break my fall.  But seriously, what JERKS!  Don't they think to place their store in an area more conducive to olympic marathon training.  You know what?  I plan on boycotting their products... and writing a letter to the Gazette in hopes that it will spread the news about how they try injuring runners.  Anyways, i brushed the glass off of my jacket, which had a growing red stain beginning to form on the shoulder..  Maybe its the colors of the flag running because the ink was such high quality?  Anyways, i moved on.  I got about another mile in and was soon at 3 miles going a 6:05 clip (Thanks to JERKS).  So I finished the text "This is Matt from the gym, the guy who anal......." When all of a sudden i ran into a snow bank, managed to do a back flip in the air and land face first on the front windshield of a car.  The worst of it was my i-phone landed on the street and shattered.  My shoulder kind of hurt but i knew the important thing to do was continue running and hit my target clip.  I started running away when i heard yelling in the distance.  it was the driver of the car that stopped my fall.  He must have been cheering me on.  Thank goodness for people like him because without his car, i would have fallen right onto the street and hurt myself.

I finally finished the run in 32:02 which is too slow to even age grade!  My shoulder was in pain and the red ink kept leaking and spreading all over the jacket.  Thank GOD I bought the second i-phone!  Anyways, i think it might be best to save my texting for when i am doing my deep thigh stretches as it Roselle was clearly not built for running and texting. 

Day Twelve: Can two tens buy a story?

Probably my sixteenth most favourite time of the year would have to be the day after the Super Bowl is played.  I guess there was some kind of football match on last night, not sure who was playing, but i heard it went all the way to the fourth inning.  As i said before, i went to my friend Jeff's Super Bowl party from 5:15 PM until 5:45 PM.  Although it was nice to see good friends, the hosts didn't even have gel packs to offer the FAST guests.  I'm not trying to be rude, but they knew i was coming in advance, as i indicated on facebook that i would be coming exactly thirty seconds after its publishing.  And everyone there was drinking this "beer" stuff which made them louder the more they consumed.  Some people must have been thirsty as they would cut a "hole" into the beer and drink it really fast.  Although some of the beers seemed to have gone bad because others would threw up after drinking them this way.   The toughest part about last night was limiting my discussion of how my training is going to my friends to 30 minutes.  As soon as i got there, i told them what my mile paces have been for every run of the week and how i rated my performance on each day.  Some people were rude asking me to stop because they were trying to watch television.  What SLOW idiots.  They clearly don't know a good story when they hear one.  I guess that's why they watch television.  Idiots.

Anyways, I did my morning run and for some reason there weren't a lot of cars on the road at 4:45 AM.  And it must have been icy because the ones that were sure swerved a lot.  One drove into a snow bank.  Must have been driving a while because when i ran by, he was taking a nap.  Must have been a really SLOW person trying to recover from a short 9 mile run.  Anyways, The goal for the day was to run two ten mile runs.  Hit this run at about a 58:33 which is ok for a monday morning.  I didn't really feel like age grading it as i knew it would be disappointing.  Didn't even feel like calling the ole coach either because we haven't talked in a while.  I just hope the evening run would go better.

Later tonight, I was scheduled to run with this running guy named Matt Odin.  A weird name indeed, as i think his surname was Norwegian for chocolate pudding.  Anyways, he is kind of slow but he does try with these cute 110 mile weeks.  I told him that i used to run 110 mile weeks, and then i turned 14.  he didn't find this as funny as i did.  Anyways, we hit the first mile at a 4:45 clip.  We tried to converse during this warm-up but the winds were blowing in an easterly direction and we started off heading southwest which as you know causes the air to affect your lungs in a manner in which your breathing falls out of whack.  Well, HE decided that we should be SLOW and we hit the second mile at a 5:10 clip.  WTF!  I immediately told him that I was training for the olympics and not the Park Ridge Charity Classic.  He told me that we were going pretty fast.  I said that this was probably the slowest mile i have ever run in my life.  I decided to leave him.  So i sprinted and hit the next mile at 4:59.  Those winds must have gotten to me because the breathing fell out of whack again and also my legs began hurting.  I think it was the way i sat at work today.  Sometimes when you don't sit indian style in a desk chair, your legs will do funky things.  well i thought i lost him, when during the fourth mile this kid comes running back to me.  We hit mile four at 5:20, SLOW, DOH!  Well clearly this run isn't going anywhere.  So we get to talking and i ask him how his training is going.  He said something about a run, when i got lost in my thoughts thinking about the olympics.  I hate it when people actually answer the question.  The point of me asking you how your running is going is so you can ask me the question back and then i can tell you how its going.  Well i began to tell him mile-by-mile how my recovery run went and about how awesome my boston jacket was and how i felt during the first mile of this run.  I told him about my diet and about some races i was planning on doing... He started to go on about Boston but i cut him off because i wasn't done talking yet.  We hit mile 9 and i noticed we were at a 5:33 clip.  How the "F" did we keep losing time?  it is totally his fault.  Anways, i started talking about my wednesday run when i noticed he ran across the street from me.  So i quickly caught back up to him and told him more about key runs for this upcoming week.  HE sprinted really quick and then turned a sharp left which was not our planned course.  So i caught up to him and then told him the target mile-by-mile splits for my upcoming marathon.

Finally we get back to our cars, but not without this little game of cat and mouse, where he kept moving to different sides of the street.  Turned out we ran more, we hit 13 miles in 1:13 which is ok, as i think it age grades at an 81%.  But he seemed out of breath as he was hunched over and seemingly in a hurry looking for his keys.  So i figured it would be a good time to relive one of my ole college races with him.  I began telling him about this one 8k i ran when he got into his car and began to drive.  Well i knew he would love the end of my story so i followed him home and then told him as he walked to his apartment.  We walked to his door and i was right about to get to how i was feeling at mile three when he shut the door on me.  I then decided to talk to him through the door.  I don't know what he said through the door but it was loud..i think he was looking for mile splits so i gave them to him.  It was finally 8:45 PM and after three hours i was done with the story and headed home.  After all i gotta get some sleep.  can't be entertaining people all night.  On my way out, a few police officers parked a car and headed to my friend's building.  I wonder what's going on there.  Well i didn't have time to stay so i just went home.

Overall it was a good day and i was very happy i could keep my friends entertained with my great running stories.

Day Eleven: The Super Bowl Run-Day (its a pun, get it?)

I woke up this morning and felt different.  I kind of felt like the champion that i am training to become.  The first thing i did was use the bathroom to relieve myself of the 12-gallons of water i drank the night before in an effort to keep hydrated for today's runs.  I knew today was different, because aside from the normal burning sensation, I truly felt like it was excellence streaming out of my body.  when you train like i do, it is always best to hydrate well.  A good rule of thumb for beginners is that while you can never over-hydrate, beware of under-hydrating.

I went out for my morning run and noticed there was a sprinkle of snow on the ground.  The plan for the AM was just a 5-mile run with a 5X4X3X2X1.  What this run entails, is 15-minutes of sub-5 minute pace wedged into a non-effort clip of 5:57.  This is the exercise that Geb did exactly 92 days before he ran the 5k which preceded the half marathon which preceded the marathon that he ran before he ran the 2:03 marathon.  By my calculations, the successful implementation of this run will get me exactly 2% closer to my goal of winning the olympic trials.  Ultimately, my goal is to break 2:00 in the marathon, but even ben roethlisberger had to start somewhere.  Before he was making love to girls in bathroom stalls at night clubs, i am sure he had dry runs in bathroom stalls inside of burger kings in urban environments.

Well the run started out fantastic, I hit the first mile at 5:57 exactly.  Then like fireworks in the katy perry song i went boom at a 4:45 pace for 5:00 minutes exactly.  All of a sudden i hit an unpaved side street and noticed that my footing was slipping..  I skidded into a parked car and made the alarm go off.  I think i cracked the mirror and scratched the paintjob, but thankfully i was ok.  Who knew that when you run on snow, you cannot get the proper footing.  I got up and ran another mile at a 6:15 clip but it was too late.  I decided that the best way to take care of this would be to deduct 2:00 per mile to account for the snow, the hills, and the headwinds so i could get a better idea of what pace i was actually running.  I ran the next four minutes at a 4:55 pace, or after my calculations, 2:55 mile pace.  Wow!  I knew i was fast but i never knew i was this fast!  Amazing.   I plan on submitting these times to the US Olympic committee so they can give me money, awards and celebrity.  The next mile flew by at an easy clip of around 5:55 (or 3:55) and then i totally nailed my 3,2 & 1 at clips of 2:55, 2:54, & 2:52, respectively. Man, i am such a genious and soo fast too.  I can't wait to show these speeds off at the track when the snow clears.  overall, i finished the five and was ready to shower and go to a super bowl party.

The plan is to go to the super bowl party for the first quarter.  I will then head home to go to sleep so i can hit some good runs tomorrow morning.  Today is a success.  But tomorrow will be better.  I plan on using doing some McMillan type training....

Day Ten: The Boston Jacket

This was one of the first saturdays in a while where i actually felt a preference to use the treadmill for a 16-mile run in lieu or running outside.  I noticed last night that after I would hit a 4:30 pace for 300 metre sprints, an upper respiratory infection of some sort would augment my breathing causing me to take deeper breaths more rapidly.  I did 20 of these puppies and came to the conclusion that something was up so when i felt a lil out of it this morning, i knew the treadmill was the solution.

When i was getting dressed for the gym, i put on the usual garb: compression shorts, compression socks, compression vest, compression hat, compression arm sleeves, compression gloves.. but then i came across something i have not seen in at least 2 business days.  My 2010 boston marathon jacket.  Now while i truly believe that they should increase the qualifying standards for boston to a 2:15:00 across the board, men & women.  I still hold pride when i wear this jacket.

I arrived at the gym, when i noticed the workers looking at me.  I went over and began a conversation to the extent of " Do you like my jacket?" to which the 20-year old vixen replied "Huh?  Do i know you?".  Ha!  This lil lady was playing coy, she wanted to know more about it.  I felt it in my veins.  So i began telling her how awesome of a marathoner that i am and gave a mile-by-mile analysis of my last Boston Marathon, which was a disaster, as i barely limped across the line in 2:49:16 due to upper respiratory infections, insufficient tapering, sleep deprivation, the use of tap water employed at water stations in lieu of spring water, to name a few..  After 45-minutes, she had quite a quizzical look upon  her and kept looking at the clock and over at one of her co-workers.  I think her eyes rolled a little bit which indicated that she thought i was dreamy.  Well anyways, i told her that maybe one day if she were to remove her SLOWNESS disease, she could have a Boston jacket and then we could marry.  But until then, i will not be able to converse with her any longer.  Upon saying this a smile came about her face and i think she said a prayer because she gave the sign of the cross.  I think this means she is praying that she will be able to train sufficiently enough to get faster and be able to date me.

Anyways, i walked in the lockerroom and saw three naked old dudes talking about the war or something.  I interrupted them and asked them if they liked my jacket.  I told them that it was my BOSTON jacket and that it made me someone they should worship.  They looked confused, so i provided them the background story surrounding my training leading up to it as well as a mile-by-mile analysis.  After an hour of talking, i feel they respected me better.  One of them said that i reminded them of a grandson they would like to have.. die before them.  what an honor!  This man wants for me to be his grandson.  I then asked him his mile times.  He said he didn't know, he wasn't aware he had to have mile times.  I said that he was too slow to be my grandfather then.  I said that until he age grades at 95% or better, then we probably shouldn't talk anymore.

I finished loading stuff in my locker and then headed to my treadmill.  I chose my favorite treadmill and found that girl who liked me from a few days ago was on the adjacent 'mill.  I took off my jacket and laid it over the arm bar of her treadmill.  I started my 16-mile run at a 5:52 clip (warm-ups) when i felt a tap on my shoulder.  it was the girl who wanted me.  Before she could say anything, i looked at her treadmill and noticed she was running at 8.0 MPH.  Albeit slow, i think she could really improve if she kept it up and finally be worthy of dating me.  I asked her what was going on?  I told her how much i missed seeing her?  She looked confused and then asked me what the f$&% my jacket was doing on her treadmill.  She must have had problems communicatng because i think what she meant was "What is this beautiful jacket?  How did you earn it?"  So i went on for an hour and fifteen minutes about training for boston, running in boston, what went wrong in boston, the suicide attempts for not breaking 2 hours at boston, my psychiatrist, my nutrition.  When i was finished, she said "Wow, you actually spoke for over an hour without asking me one thing.  you must be taken."  To which i replied "no, no i am not."  She then said "How surprising.  Well anyways, my name is Kate and if you ever fucking talk to me again i will use my Tae Bo to fucking kick the living shit out of you.  You are a horrible human being.  I hope you get hurt and learn what its like to not run."  She then walked away.  Wow!  What i took from this was that she wanted to know if i was single and that she does tae bo and her name was kate.  I think a little love is in the air.  Obviously, this kate wants me and would kill to have me in her life.  Well, if she really improves her times and can let me review her athlinks.com account, then i think there is a slight possibility that we could date.

I got off the treadmill and noticed that i ran 16 miles in 1:33:32 which is around a 5:51 clip.  Although this was not a challenging run, i just felt like getting some slow miles in.  It did age-grade at a 78% so this was maybe a step up from a recovery run.  But overall, today was a good day.  I got to show people what it meant to be a champion and what it takes to wear a boston jacket.  I also think i may have found someone who may be worthy to date me in three months when her 5k times are down.  Love is in the air! 

Day Nine: Golden Days of Recovery

Today i just ran a recovery run in the morning to help my body heal from all of the work i have been putting in.  I ran for a total of 10 miles in 62 minutes.  And oh boy, do i feel refreshed!  For all those beginners out there, you should probably only take a recovery day once every 2 months (not day off, just light running.  maybe 9 miles at a 7:00 pace).  When you get advanced like me, then you can rest a little more frequently but by rest i mean limit your mileage for the day to a maximum of 20 but a minimum of 9..  After all you gotta save your efforts for your other runs.

Another thing I like to do, which i would highly reccomend, is to "clean" your system.  On recovery days, I like to have a huge breakfast of maybe waffles, omelets, turkey, toast, strawberries, mayonaise, peanut butter, salmon, bacon, cat meat, and gel packs.  To wash this down, i would reccommend drinking a coca-cola classic, but make sure it is not the Brazilian kind that contains cocaine in it otherwise you'll fail random drug tests performed by your parole officer.  Then after this large meal, i like to take eight to ten laxatives.  This is where the fun starts because not only do you get to eat the food you love to eat, but you get to drop weight at the same time.  Double Whammy.  You see, in the running biz, this is how we get to our optimal weight before a big race.  This was a huge strategy employed by my favorite athletes of all time:  Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds, Jesus Manzano, Marion Jones, LaShawn Merritt, and Yohan Blake.  These people defined what it means to be fast, to be strong, to be glorious.

Anyways, after you clear your body of this unwanted waste, you will have to work on your appearance.  No one wants to look like Lindsay Lohan after a 7-month bender in which she has no idea what movies she has been in, how much money is in her bank account, how much toxins she consumed, and what guy or girl she is currently dating.

Well anyways, i would recommend that you tan at least twice a day (if legal) or at a bare minimum once a week.  You don't want to be that runner on the starting line who stands out for miles.  You don't want to hear all of those jokes about being called "Powder" or "Whitey" or "Powder Whitey" or stuff like that.  I mean, runners can be so cruel.  I just want to outrun all of them because they are all jerks, and slow, and dicks and they don't deserve to run.  SLOW JERKS!  All of them.... Err... Anyways, just make sure to go tanning regularly so you can maintain a good tone.

Well that is all i have for today.   Remember, Never Say Never when it comes to purging and tanning on your recovery day.

Day Eight: One Republic State of Mind

Have you ever had one of those days when nothing seems to go right from the get-go?  Take this morning for example, I woke up at the usual time and went out for a run and my idiot neighbor parks his car in a snow bank and ends up blocking my favorite running exit/entrance.  And then on top of that, the jerk asks ME if I could push his car with him?  Seriously?  Listen buddy, I don't know what you do for fun, but seeing how far we can push your car does not seem like a fun game to me.  Besides, i have the morning run to complete and do not have time for silly games.  I think he saw things from my perspective because as I ran around his car he gave a gesture indicating the number one, which I assumed was for good luck since I am training to be the best.

The run went good, I only ran around 7.247 miles at a decent clip of 5:55 per mile.  I like setting my garmin watch to record the thousandth of miles because it really lets me get the most out of my workouts.  Any SLOW person on the street could run 7.24 miles, but are they really willing to give 110%?  Are they willing to go the extra .007 miles?  I don't think so.  Well I made sure to shower for work this time and called my nutritionist on the way to work.  I told her my diet consisted of Monster energy drinks and gel-packs.  She said that was the stupidest thing she has ever heard and lauged aloud.  She said that my mom warned her I was a funny guy.  I then told her that I was serious and threw my logic all up in her grill.  There was a lengthy pause which ensued.  She then stated that she would start from the beginning.  She said that there were these things called food groups which consisted of lettuce, tuna, cheese, milk, and eggs and stuff.  I asked where i could get these items.  She paused again.  This time i thought i heard some type of slap in the back ground.  She then informed me that there were things called supermarkets and they were all over and that for money they would sell me these things.  She provided a little more information but my mind drifted into olympics land and before i knew it i was sitting in my car with no radio on and an hour had passed since the conversation.

Well work just FLEW BY today as a majority of these idiots i work with were unable to get themselves to work.  Apparently SLOW people can't drive either..  Good thing i am smart and fast and stuff.  I worked super hard and couldn't wait to go to the SUPER MARKET.  I bought everything the nutritionist told me to buy, but it was very difficult as there were so many things there.  I had to keep asking the people who worked there where the milk was.  They kept indicating the men's bathroom.  I checked and it wasn't there.  Just some big guy named Bubba.  I told him i was looking for milk. He said he could provide.  I said i was not comfortable with this situation and walked away.  I think another person decided to buy from him because as soon as they walked in, i heard the door shut and a scream.  Must have been a yelling contest.  But anyways.  I got home and made my first "meal":

It did not taste very good.  I put in all of the items i was told to eat.  I decided that it would take some getting used to so i just popped some gel packs and called it a meal.  I was very excited for my run tonight, albeit it was just a 5-mile tempo.  You see I downloaded the hit song "secrets" by onerepublic and was looking forward to listening to it on my run.  I got the song really quick and went to put it on my i-pod through the i-tunes.  Some weird menus popped up so i just clicked ok.  I didn't have too much time after my cooking nightmare so I just went on my run.

As soon as I stepped out the door and turned on my i-pod, it was magic as the song instantly came on.  "I need another story, something to get off my chest..." seductively played from my magic music machine.  I coordinated my steps and soon was hustling at a 5:45 clip.   I felt like a conductor as my feet were at a rhythm with the music and my arms were in sync.  This was a heavenly moment.  The type of moment a runner dreams of when sitting in a swedish sauna dreaming about life in the olympics.  Just ignoring the random old men surrounding you and just thinking about gold around your neck.  Well the song had finished and then i waited to see what could play next:  "Secrets" by One Republic.  Again.  I thought to my self this was a miracle.. it was not often that your i-pod shuffle played the very song you downloaded and were looking to listen to not just once but twice during a very important run.... I felt really good at this point and starting singing aloud between breaths.. "Tell me what you want to hear, something that were like those years, I'm sick of the insincere, so i'm gonna give all my secrets away."  Man, I was flying because i looked at my watch and i hit mile 2 at a 5:30 clip.  And then it hit.  The third song on my i-pod was "Secrets" by One Republic.  Ok.  Two times in a row is good.... but a third time indicated to me something was wrong.  Something went horribly wrong.  I just kept running.  I just kept trying to keep pace..."thought you saw me wink no, i've been on the brink so.." played and the song was soon haunting me.... I pressed skip on the ipod and yet it played again, then i hit backwards and the song played again.  "I'm gonna give all my secrets away..."  Please God Make THIS STOP!  I hit mile 3 and the pace slowed to a 5:40 clip.  Oh GOD!  I had two more miles.... Soon I found myself putting my feet and arms in rhythm to fling myself into the next car which drove by.  The song just kept playing, playing and playing.  That stupid symphonic intro... the constant repetition.  How many times can someone say secrets?  Why is he finally giving all his secrets away?  Why is he telling me this.  Oh God!  How much longer?  I look at the garmin and I am only at 3.50 miles and still at 5:40 clip.  Left right, pause, right right, pause.  I couldn't stop running to the rhythm of the song.  What started out as the greatest run ever took a left turn to the corner of Satan & Clay Aiken Boulevard.  I kept wishing that I would slip on a patch of ice and be rendered unconscious... I pressed forward again on the i-pod and there was the song again.   I screamed for help at some passerbyers... they jumped out of the way.  I waved my arms frantically at the cars passing by.  They must have known.  They must have known that I just caught the One Republic bug and they wanted nothing to do with it.   I looked at my watch and was finally at 4.89 miles but the clip slowed to 5:49.  Yuck.  Needless to say, i mustered all of the courage I could to finish that run.  As soon as i got home I smashed my ipod with a hammer..  But that wasn't enough.  I Felt drenched in the song and i couldn't get it out of my head.  So i put on some "Time to say goodbye" by Andreas Boccelli.  I then made myself a batch of rubbing alcohol and burned the running clothes i had previously worn.

Hours had passed and I finally calmed down.  What i had endured must have been the most challenging run of my life.  It was not going to get any tougher than this.  Woo Hoo!  I passed the first test of Olympic training.  I was ready for the next stage.  Now that my confidence is up i can say bring it on world, because here i come!  NEVER SAY NEVER! 

NEVER AGAIN!  NEVER AGAIN WILL I LISTEN TO "SECRETS"!  DAMN YOU!

Day Seven: The Snow, oh dear God, The Snow

Woke up early today to discover the soothing sounds of Snow plows ever so gently removing the snow from the street to the direct area surrounding my car.  By the time i was ready to go out for my run, it was too late:

But that was ok because: 1) i was going to get in my run and 2) was not going to focus on getting to work.  So I immediately took 10 gel packs.  I like the PowerBar kind.  They taste right and don't require my use of the bathroom immediately afterwards like a shot of tequila on a sunday afternoon would.

The plan for the day was easy:  20 X 100 metre sprints followed by a 2-mile snow fun run.  I sought out an area which was plowed for my 100 metre track.  Luckily there was an area between my apartment building and the adjacent retail building, I think it is an Apothecary, to do this.  So i put on my track spikes and set out.  I sprinted out the first one and when i slowed down managed to slip on some type of snow/ice hybrid which caused me to flip backwards and land on my arse.  Yes, arse.  I looked it up on dictionary.com and found out that the british person from yesterday was being rude.  well anyways, i got up and brushed the snow off of my now bruised body and set out to do another when a stupid SNOW PLOW TRUCK was heading my direction from the other end.  I immediately went up to him and asked "What the hell are you doing?  Do you know who i am?"  He said he was doing his job and that i must have been dropped on my head as a child because no one in their right mind should be outside right now let alone sprinting..  My only thought was:  How did he know?  Did my  mom tell him about the drop?  She said she was going to keep it secret.  Anyways, i told him i needed to use the street for the next 3 hours.  nothing unreasonable.  He said he would move for $100.  So i paid the man and continued my work out.  Whew!  Finally got those sprints in and it was time for my fun run.

I started on my 2-mile saunter, when i started to get a stomach ache.  Must have been the snow, but the stomach remained and was immediately followed by dizziness.. Due to these feelings, i decided to turn around and finish the remaining 1.89 miles in a loop around the 100 metre path which was freshly plowed for me.  Each lap made me feel more successively sicker and more dizzy.  After lap 117, i decided to take a lil nap on the street... I immediately woke up to a loud commotion and saw three strangers hovering above me.  I told them thanks for being my alarm clock and got up to run.  Much to their dismay of course.  One person tried to stop me asking me if i was alright, when i told him that hey, i HAVE to finish my run. 

Finally finished the laps but realized i forgot to turn off my Garmin watch.  Damn it.  Now my Garmin program shows that i completed 2 miles in 4 hours.  What are people going to think when i show them my training.  They are all gonna break into my house, look at my computer to see how my mileage and pace is, and then make fun of me for this.  So i decided to avoid this potential embarrassment by changing the password to my computer to PreFonPain.  haha.  now no one will know the secret code.

Well I was a bit confused as to why i was feeling so sick and tired.  I called my mom's doctor's neighbor on the situation.  I told her that i recently switched to a new gel pack diet.  She must have been impressed because there was nothing but silence which filled the next five minutes of conversation.  She then broke this silence by asking how i came about setting this diet up.  I told her about my dream and my theory and how if it makes me feel awesome in a race then it should be the only food in my body.  Another five minutes of silence ensued.  She said that i should seek both a psychiatrist and a nutritionist.  She then provided me with some people she thought would work out who were near my area.  I thanked her and am scheduled to meet with the nutritionist later this afternoon.  Following this conversation i took 10 more gel packs and felt better.



Gotta Stay Gellin?

Started off the morning on the right foot and on time.  By the time the clock hit 4:30 AM, i was already in my running gear and take on the day!  Today I scheduled a 10 mile run which was to be performed at a 4:30/mile clip.  I decided to switch back to miles from kilometers because when i was updating my running spreadsheet, it got very confusing.  I ended up googling some guy in England (first name to pop up in google phonebooks) and gave him a call.  I don't think he understood the metric system any better than I did because he kept asking who i was and what the hell i was talking about.  I provided an explanation about how i needed help converting my day's kilometers to miles, and he suggested that i convert my face into my arse or something.  I then proceeded to write down "arse", which is how it spells out phonetically, and plan on looking it up later.  "Arse" must mean "wind breaker" because it sure was windy this morning.

Over the previous night, I had a dream about being in a race and getting really, really tired and soon it became a nightmare because it seemed every SLOW person I met was passing me by in this race and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.  That is until I took a "gel pack" and then ended up winning the race, which in turn lead to me winning the girl, the car and the giant mansion.  For those who do not know what a gel pack is, think of the effect of "crack" on homeless people or "Chicago Home Address" for Rahm Emmanuel.  When you take it, this great wave of power and energy hits your body and allows you to run bigger, faster and stronger.  Normally it comes in a little packet which you can bite open and swallow down.  But sometimes, my ole coach in college said he had to inject it into me to help with the race.  These injections seemed to occur after drug tests... Maybe the extra sugar and carbs in the gel packs would skew those results.. so i never questioned it.  Although he did hand me a lot of "gel packs" at an airport once and said they were for my races back "home."

Well anyways, before I digress too much longer, I have decided to go on a "gel pack" diet.  Instead of food, water or vitamins, i am going to take a gel pack every hour of the day.  If one gel pack is able to make me run faster in a race, think of how much faster I'll be when i eat them all day, every day.  I bet you that idiot Ryan Hall will never think of this!  That is why his slow as took second on Sunday at the USATF Half Marathon Championships with an ok 1:02.  Not sub-1, but hey, he is getting pretty old....

So I took three gel packs and then stepped out my door and began the run...

The Run
The first two miles felt great!  I never had so much energy in my life... Although I was only at a 5:20 clip, I knew that this was just warming up and that I all i needed to do was average the paltry 4:30 per mile clip.  I noticed that there was a little snow left over from last night which caused my footing to be a little off, and the wind must have hit my lungs the wrong way because I was starting to feel the effects of that recurring upper respiratory problem which throws my breathing out of whack...Anyways, I hit mile 3 and soon felt very tired.  My turnover was slowing down and I looked at my watch and saw my average clip fell to 5:40, which age grades at a sub-slow percentile of 70ish.  The wind sure felt hard..  The next two miles hit me harder and I kind of felt more tired and sleepy.  My breathing was way out of whack and I just seemed to lack the overall energy i typically have for "easy 4:30s" as i call them.  I stood strong and just kept running.  I finally hit the final mile and finished the run in 59:44.  Wow!  this had to be one of my worst runs to date... How could this be?  How could i be this slow?  Then the answer hit me as clear in the head as anything possible:  I didn't eat enough gels.  I guess for tonight's run I will eat ten gels beforehand and we'll see how that works out.

Post-Run
I did some deep thigh stretches in the mirror to work on my toning and flexing.  Then i realized that I must hae been doing the mirror stretches for too long, because it was time to go to work and I haven't showered yet.  I decided that i would skip the shower and just cover up any odor with deodorant and that no one would notice.  The car ride there sucked because i like to keep the heat on and I started to perspire like a elderly person on the price is right bidding on a washer.

I finally arrived at work and walked straight to my desk.  I kind of noticed a hint of musk, but was 2 feet away from my co-worker Topher and figured he would not be able to detect that which i was emitting.  Things were going smooth until he started making loud snorting noises through his nostrils and asked if i had smelled a dead cat in the room.  I told him that i did not, but was glad he hadn't smelled me yet.  Five minutes later, he came back with an aerosol can from the bathroom and started spraying around my desk with copious amounts of Fresh, Fresh Garden scent.  I immediately slapped the can out of his hand and told him that i didn't know where the dead cat was and he needs to stop.  He then said something very disturbing... He said that he knew there was no dead cat in here at all, rather, he knew i was the smelly one and was referring to my man musk as an expired feline.  what, what?  I was about to lay the smack down, when he pushed me away and i fell to the ground.  It was at that moment that i noticed a dead mouse near his desk... whew!  i immediately moved the mouse to his nose and said "Hey, is this the smell?"  it must have been, because he quickly ran to the bathroom.  problem solved from my end.

My boss then invited me back into his office and asked me what the commotion was about.  He then told me that i need to go home and shower because i smell like Sour Donkey Urine and it is seriously making him ill.  I told him that my manmusk was the result of my champion training and that he needs to take back those words.  he said that he may take away my job and that i should never skip showers after runs.  I said "never say never" to which he sent me home for the rest of the day.  I guess he finally understood and all it took was quoting the biebs.  He let me have the day off for being so awesome and I'm sure enjoyed my man musk... I guess I would suggest to any new runners reading this blog to enjoy that smell you "earn" after a run.  And although you may never be considered fast and probably only able to run a sub-15 five kilometer race at best, at least you'll have your musk.  I know i always will!