The BIG Announcement

I know that a lot has happened since the last time I wrote you, but i guarantee you that nothing will be as big or as significant as this ANNOUNCEMENT that i am about to hit you with.  So stay tuned for the end of this post for my BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.  It is so huge and I feel that it will definitely change your life for good.  Like the kind of change you seek when you want to seek medical help to surgically repair your private parts because you feel that God made you a woman in a man's body.  Anyways, why don't i catch you up on what has happened.  Because this will be a cooler journey than a Jonas Brothers song.. Actually probably not because the jonas brothers rock my world!

First of all, the Super Fast Elite Chicago Racing Team of Chicago (SFECRTC) is up and running.  We have had many inquiry since officially announcing our existence and try outs last week.   However, this is not the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT but i would like to say that I am a bit disappointed with the level of quality in our applications.  We had some guy named Peter apply who did not meet any of our criteria as he definitely was NOT physically or mentally superior to any other runners let alone himself.  However, he jogged a 2:50-something marathon in Grand Rapids or something and I felt that it entitled him to become Captain of our water support team for the runners.  See, SLOW people can make a difference when it comes to thirst and satisfying the nutrition needs of actual real runners.   There was some dude named Brendona who applied too.  His times were no where close to those of people who are good enough to cool down with me.  I wish he didn't include instagrams of his gps watch verifying that he is SLOW.  I also wish he didn't send me naked pictures of himself... This is not that type of running club...  He should use jdate or something for that type of action.  Anyways, i may not have any members yet but this club will grow.  Who doesn't want to be ELITE and get free stuff? 

I found a new coach!  However, this is NOT the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT so stay tuned for more on that.  its true... I found this guy on Craigslist in the casual encounters section.  .   How did he know that my quads are my favorite muscle?  I had to engage him as i figured he wanted to be my coach.  I mean, why else would anyone make a comment like that?  So i gave him a call and figured i would check him out.

                                        Picture of Juan Sisterino, a potential new coach
                               http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/4298682883.html

His name is Juan Sisterino and he lives in Logan Square.  Luckily for him, that is a neighborhood of Chicago located only 24 miles from my studio apartment... So i arranged for him to meet me at some park in 2 hours because that would be ample time for me to run there.  So i laced up my Saucony brand running shoes.  They were red and fierce and had an 8mm drop.  The backs of them made a statement like "I win" and "You lose".  They were lightweight but provided ample support... Anyways, i started off at a 5:20 mile which i believe is a z2/87.5AG x2.3 type of run.  I was able to maintain this pace for at least 10 nautical miles.   After that i made a left turn onto this random street that said "Forest" and picked it up from there.. I mean, it looked familiar and that is the name of a movie so i knew it wouldn't be a bad idea... Well, my watch was manually ticking off miles every 5:30 meaning that my pace slowed considerably.. My watch read 2:04 which meant that i had gone at least 22 miles and was no where near where i wanted to be... I saw a train station ahead of me and there were some blue coloring around it so i figured i was getting close..  As i approached the train station, i noticed that the blue coloring was a tagged gang symbol and not representative of the type of Illinois Metra train system at all.  Around the spray paint was a group of young men in leather jackets with neat blue hankerchief hats and blue shirts.  They were diverse in that there were members of the African American, Latin American, Asian American, and Caucasion American communities there.  There were about 8 of them, so i figured i would ask them if I was in Logan Square.  As I approached, one of them threw a spray can at me and it hit me in the head.  Crap!  That really hurt... but that guy was only kidding.  Haha!  I love jokes, so i walked closer and noticed that they were starting to circle me.>  One guy ran in and gave me a pat on my stomach.  Only i don't think he knew the power of his strength because it hurt even more than the spray can and nearly took the air out of me.  I fell the ground.. I noticed something red dripping onto the ground.  Oh, my God!  Is that ketchup?  Crap... that is my nutrition pack i was suppposed to take after mile 24!  I can't eat that now and this jerk ruined it... I tried to stand up when another extended his leg into my stomach?  Ouch!  and why are these guys focused on my sexy abs?? it was at that moment when i noticed that my ketchup packet was fully intact in the middle of the underwear of my shorts.  Oh no.. that means... "BLOODS!  BLOODS!  I SEE BLOODS!"  i screamed aloud as it was protruding from my head.. All of a sudden the young men starting running off in the distance and said they were going to get back up... back up?  But they were never down, how could they get back up?  From what?  Stupid teenagers.... So seeing as my ketchup packet was intact, i continued running  until I was far enough away.

Good thing was i found Fullerton a few miles down.  Unfortunately, i was not able to stop my watch during that whole ordeal and now it will seem like i was actaully running during the entire time.  That sucks even more than the stomach ache.  People are going to think i am SLOW!  I am not a SLOW guy.. If I were i would go join the parade with that Brendon dude who seems to think that his mediocrity should be worshiped or something... Crap!  I figured it out.  I lost 2 minutes... Ugh!  Well, i finally made a right onto Pulaski and then onto ARmitage and made it to Mozart park to meet Juan Sisterino.... Boy was he mad!  It took me 2 hours and 10 minutes to run that 24-miles... Well, it actually took me 2 hours and 12 minutes when you include the time i spent hanging out with those blue guys.  Crap!  He was soo mad... but then he approached me.  I asked him if he was Juan and he said yes... He kept staring at me and really studying my running physique.  Then he kept looking at my shorts area.  He asked me if i got done running... Um, yes!  What a moron?  What else would i have been doing?  He then asked if i was ok and pointed at this red stain near my crotch area.  Oh no!  My ketchup packet... What will i eat now to replenish all of those carbs i burned?  I said that i was ok and that it was only ketchup... At that point he got closer to me and was really insistent on cleaning me up.  He even said it would be ok for me to remove my shorts so he could clean them for me.  i told him that i am ok and would really rather focus on the workout he had planned... He said that the only workout he could think of was indoors at his apartment.  Um, what would he mean?  We are at a park... I could do wind sprints, we could do fartleks, we could do repeat 1000s... Why would we need his bedroom?  I appreciate his progressive approach to running but i was starting to think that this guy is not the type of coach that i need.  It was at that moment when i felt his hand on my ketchup packet... So i ran!  This is not going to be my coach!  He tried to chase me but unfortunately he is one of the millions of Americans who suffer from SLOW disease and he would not catch up.  First he wanted to limit my running productivity by taking me to his room.  AND Then he was SOOO greedy that he wanted to steal my race nutrition.  Screw that guy!  Last time i turn to a free internet forum for a free coach. 

I jogged a 6:10/mile clip the rest of the way... Didn't really plan on a cool down like that as i was hoping my new coach would have access to transportation and could have driven me home as well as been able to drive me to and from different marketing events around Chicago at all hours.  When i got home, i saw a weird dude in his car wearing a singlet and with very hairy shoulders and back.  It was Brendon.  He asked if i got his application.  "NOT NOW BRENDON" .  Jeez!  What was this guy's problem?  I saw his times.. he ran like a 16:02 at some halloween race last year.  I didn't have to look at anything else on his Athlinks.. He is not SFECRTC material..  I told him to go away and go run or something.  He could use the training... i told him if he runs a 14:59 in a 5k in the next two months, i will reconsider.  He said thanks and drove off.  Quite peculiar as he seemed too happy.  Oh well, at least he left me alone.


Ok, ok, i will get to the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.  Thank you for waiting for this as this is huge!  HERE IS MY BIG ANNOUNCEMENT:  From now on, i will switch my recovery run day from every third Tuesday of the month to every Second Wednesday.  Boom!

The Super Fast Elite Chicago Running Team!

Have you guys ever had a bad day?  I mean, like a really bad day?  I know i am usually very positive when i write to you, but today was just one of those days when nothing seems to go right.  Until at the very moment when you want to give up, an idea or an inception hits you, that makes it even better.  This was that day for me.  I had a team/sponsor tell me they weren't interested, and then an idea to start my own team and get my own sponsors came to my mind.  I feel like all those prayers Ryan Hall said for me are coming true.  I'm still going to kick his ass in the Olympics, but I'll give him some props here. Still, my day was worse than the Chicago Cubs new mascot, Clark:

The day started off like usual... Did a 22-mile recovery run.  I tried to keep it at a Z3/Z5/90%AG but for some reason my pace declined after each mile passed.  I noticed a lack of energy and for some reason the wind must have been really strong and entering my lungs because i found my self breathing harder and out of breath.  I was only able to get the 22 miles run in 2:20:05 which is probably the crappiest run that anyone could ever go on.  I should probably kill myself, but i think i won't.  I know i will have greater days to look forward to.

After my run and after I ate two halfies, which are partially filled gel packs i found on the ground after the Chicago Marathon, I started to feel better.  I actually have a freezer filled with 1,000 halfies.  They make for great meals, especially after recovery runs.  Some taste like dirt but what are you going to do?  God gave us this green Earth and it is up to us to use it.

I then went to the local running store, Cock Ponds, which is right down the street and asked about their local running club.  They referred me to a guy named Dayne Caifers who engaged in a brief discussion with me.  He told me about how the team was about being friends and achieving goals together and everyone being selfless and for each other and other crap like that.  I told him that I could give a flying flip about that as there was probably no one as fast as me in the club to train with and that the 2 friends i currently have are good enough.  I then asked him if the club sponsored elite runners like myself and was able to provide the following:
1) Free race entries
2) Training Run Support from SLOWer runners
     a. Water stations set up whenever and wherever i run
     b.  Multiple stop watch managers at every track workout
     c.   Towel people to dry me off mid-run
     d.   Massage artists to make sure i have no cramps
     e.   Hookers who will have sex with me for free
 3) Free running shoes, at least 19 pairs per year
 4) Free running gear for life.
5)  Access to a limo, private jet, and speedboat to take me to and from races, training runs, and other endeavors which i may engage into.
6) Access to a 40,000 SF mansion for me to reside in and keep refreshed between performances.

I couldn't even get through all of my little requests before he interrupted me.  He told me about another running group and said they would be more interested.  He then told me to go away.  How dare he?  Does he know who i am?  I don't need this... so i told him to get out of my face and to go away and I left the store.


Processing my thoughts, i decided that I would form my own super team of people who are slower than me but could provide me with company during my recovery runs as well as provide me with the services listed above.  Now, i can't have people who are TOO SLOW as those people suck and will probably just hold me back so i need to establish time standards... Maybe people who can at least run under 5:00/mile for a 5k.  Lets be honest, this will probably open the club up to 1,000,000,000 people plus the entire country of China.  Seriously, if you can't run a 15:29 in the 5k then there is something wrong with you.  You probably should quit running, change your name to Ian Suckington and move to a fucking bed and breakfast in the state of Ohio where you will spend the rest of your sad and pathetic life catering to 60 year old douche bags and divorcees.

Once i obtain those members, i figure i will charge them a $1,000 membership fee.  I keep 100% of the proceeds from the first 100 people who join.  But, here is the thing, once they get 10 additional members to join beyond the first 100, those members can keep 10% of the membership fee from the new members they brought in.  Then if those new new members bring in 10 additional people beyond the 100 who came in before them, then they can keep 10% of the membership fee from anyone beyond that.  Its like i am a genius for figuring out this complex financial infrastructure.  And i am a generous guy for allowing other members of this running club to get rich.

Well, i am about to go for an 8-mile fartlek/tempo/z591.5%AG run.  But if you are interested in more details about the club, here they are:
                                                                                                                                                                    

The Super Fast Elite Running Team of Chicago (TSFERTC)

Calling all sub-sub-elites in the greater Chicagoland area.  We are seeking to form a Racing Team to compete against other racing teams in the area.  We hope to have a sponsor soon who will provide an unlimited supply of shoes and training gear as well as cash stipends for travel, meals & entertainment costs.  We are working with area race directors about free race entries, individual porta-potties, and personal nutrition station set up on race courses.  If you feel you are interested in being a part of this team, please send an e-mail to: SuperFastEliteChicagoRunningTeam@yahoo.com

Lets face it, the running world benefits by the presence of sub-sub-elite runners.  We have earned our confidence and the right to bestow it upon any other runners we come across.   We deserve to gain free entry into all races we choose to participate in because our quickness inspires slower, inexperienced runners who don’t work as hard as us which is evidenced by their slower times.

Time Qualifications / Performance Qualifications:

1.       5K: 15:29; 8K: 25:09; 10K: 33:18; Half: 1:11:37; Marathon: 2:32:00

2.       Finished first in at least 4 local races for at least 3 consecutive years.

3.       Finished top 20 in the largest world-class super regional local races such as Shamrock Shuffle, Soldier Field 10 mile, or Chicago Half Marathon.

4.       Commitment to meet and train at any time.

Training Qualifications:

1.       Must be physically and mentally superior to other runners.

2.       Must be able to put in at least 80 miles to 140 miles per week while maintaining your full time job.

3.       Must have the courage to turn down slower runners as training partners.  Even our recovery paces have to be done at a certain speed.  We don’t need dead weight.

4.       Must be willing to race in at least 25 races for 2014.  As a team, we must remain committed to have the same training and racing schedule.

5.       Be willing to market and advertise our membership.  The only way we can continue to attract faster, better runners and gain their friendship is to pay them and provide them with free shoes and gear.

6.       Willing to do whatever it takes to fulfill every need of the team President as he trains and prepares for the 2016 Olympic games in the events of:  Marathon, 1500m dash.

Marketing/Data Sharing Characteristics:

1.       All members are required to review the Letsrun.com message boards for a minimum of 3 hours per day, and be able to contribute post volumes of at least 5 replies per day.

2.       All team members are required to post their mileage on Athleticore for everybody else to admire.  It is proper etiquette to always round up your training mileage and round down training times.

3.       All team members must post details of every completed run on multiple social media sites – Facebook and Twitter are required. Extra consideration will be given for those teammates posting pictures of racing flats/running watches with splits on Instagram.

Other Characteristics/Qualifications:

·         Must be a former college runner.   You have years of wisdom and experience on your legs.  You know what it takes to be at least the 12^th best on your team.  You have faced the pressures that come along with volunteering as a member of a local community college or division III team that does not cut members.  After 5-years at your local, non-descript liberal arts school and through hard work and effort, you were able to shave 2 precious seconds off of your best high school mile time. We do not want any non-collegiate runner because they are not as committed or as dedicated to the sport of running.

·         Willingness and courage to provide a realistic opinion about the state of American distance running anonymously on various online forums.  Also, since you ran in college, you have the right to use the collective “we” when comparing yourself to professional, elite runners.  After all, the only difference between you and them is the pay check.  Lets face it, if you haven’t broken 75 in the half marathon, you probably have no idea how to run and do not know the state of running itself nor have the ability to determine what is good for distance running.  Who else will anonymously post that any runner who can’t break 3:40 in the 1500 should either retire from the sport or kill themselves?  Who else has the bravery to anonymously tell Ryan Hall how to train and that a 2:06 marathon is not very impressive nor is a wind-aided 2:04? Who else can cite the fact that as long as there are at least 3 Ethiopian or Kenyan runners who are faster, then the state of American Distance running  sucks?  Who can explain that everyone who is trying to compete sucks and always will for as long as there are at least 3 individuals in the world who are faster?  Why can we express these opinions freely and anonymously?  Because the only difference between us and these sucky professionals  is that we don’t have the time to train like them.  Just because we have never run those times ever and have no idea about other circumstances surrounding their individual training situations, doesn’t mean that we can’t offer our opinions.  Positivity is for the slower runners.  Professional runners need our input as it will inspire them to run faster.

·         Willingness to use your ego and confidence to inspire slower runners.  In college, the best runners treated us like dirt because they earned that right.  In the current state of road racing, we have earned that right to treat slower, neophyte hobbyjoggers like garbage due to the time and effort we put in.  Lets face it, if you are not running as fast as we are, then it definitely means that you are not working as hard.  We owe it to the sport to always let slower runners know their place and that if they don’t achieve certain times, then they will always remain a hobby jogger who is not good at running and should probably quit.  Whenever we have a bad race, we should let slower runners know about it and reinforce the idea that time does matter.  They, in turn, will be inspired by this message, because lets face it, the fact that we ran in college and because of the sub-sub-elite times we run means that they worship the ground we walk on.  Its called paying it forward and that is what this team will be all about.

·         Demonstrate a willingness to pace SLOW runners.  Sometimes, we have to set our egos aside and show these inexperienced hobbyjoggers how to properly run a race.  Do not fret about what others think about seeing you with these SLOWer runners.  You will be provided ample opportunity to defend your running integrity at any time because whenever you come across any random bystander you can inform them that this is a slow pace for you and that you normally run much faster than this.  Another great technique is to make dramatic and unnatural movements and engage your slower pace with a full discussion about various political topics during their race.  After pacing the slower runner for a few miles, it is often customary to drop out of the race, thank them for being your cooldown partner, and letting them know that you have to leave early because you have a second run to do hours later.

·         Demonstrate a willingness to commit to the workout and its thresholds.  For example, this might be happen if you ever train with slower runners who don’t understand the significant impact it will have on training if you extend any rest period by even a fraction of a second during interval training.  These slower runners will thank you for shortening their rest as it will make the workout tougher and in turn allow them to become faster runners.

RUSH to World Champion!

Today I watched the preview for the movie "Rush" from a computer at my local public library and it changed my life.  Being as fast as a runner as I am, I really could relate the story of two men who risked it all for the chance to take greatness.  I realized that there is a lie that I often tell myself every time i lace up my shoes "Death is only something that happens to other people".

Even as the librarian kept mentioning that my time was up, i couldn't help but shush her back.  After all, I am the next world champion and on the verge to become world champion again!  Nothing will prevent me from hitting this goal, not even a 60-minute time limit at a workstation at the library.  Some fat and SLOW guy in a Weezer t-shirt kept staring at me and expecting the librarian to immediately kick me off.  How pathetic.  That must be why SLOW people stay SLOW.  They expect others to run fast for them.  Not me... and you know what, i got my 63 minutes of watching the "RUSH" movie preview so screw them.  I am going to run.. its time to run.

When i went home, i opened up my closet which is a shrine dedicated to my hatred of all things Ryan Hall.  He is like the Nicki Lauda to my James Hunt.  I will be champion and I will beat him.  When i was fat in the hospitable, all i could do was think about all of the races he won without me being in them.  I will not let that happen again!  No, not this time!

Today was just a 10 mile run in the AM followed by a 10 mile run in the PM.  A double double digit, yo.  That is how i roll.  I hit the first mile in a 5:30 which was fine as it was good to get the rust out from yesterday's shitbag of a run.  Maintained pace in probably a Z3/Z4 pace around the 90 percentile age grade.  As you are aware, i know the science of running.  I am like a doctor.  I don't gauge my runs through a garmin GPS watch.. Those things are for SLOW pussies.  No, i just need a watch with lap splits.  I know when we reach a mile... i know that distance.  I've run so many that i can barely keep count.  Well, i can.. 10,001,023 miles to be exact.  Well i just hit mile 2, so you'd better make that 10,001,024 miles to be exact.  I run because I am great and I am great because I will be the champion... The world has not even begun to see my fastness.  Pow!  Zoom!  Its hard to create for the reader the scene or a demonstration of my running but those are noises that are generated from the quickness of my feet touching the ground.  STRIKE!  KUMPOW!  I just took two more steps... then two more.. then one hundred more.. mile 3 and i hit it in 4:50 and i am feeling strong...   Sometimes you just have to go and ignore the pain.  You just have to run... like you are born to run.  Born to run but not like a minimalist pussy who runs in Vibram footshoes because, guess what?  Those are still fucking shoes?  The only minimalism being applied when you buy those is a demonstration of your minimal manhood as well as your paying of a stupid person tax to minimalize your wallet... But i digress.  KAPOW!  My left quad stretches out to the heavens allowing my toes to strike BAM!  I just hit miles 4, 5, and 6 at 4:55, 5:01, and 4:59 respectively.  This isn't a fast run by any means, but it is still getting the job done.  BABOOM!  KAZAM!  BALOOONS!  Just nailed miles 7, 8 & 9 in 5:02, 5:02, and 5:03... and I am feeling strong.  The only signs of tiredness are the barely visible red lines in my eyeballs, the heavy breathing from my lungs and the fact that i just landed headfirst into a squirrel nest which conveniently laid before me in a bush ahead... I get up.   I must get up and finish what i started... SHAKOCKA!  Just nailed mile 10 in 4:50.  That's right!  Negative split bitches!  Eat crow, Ryan Hall... You did not win this battle today.  Tweet that and an oatmeal pancake.

As i sipped on my recovery shake which consists of two burger king ketchup packets, some sweet & low sugar, and a taco bell fire sauce packet all mixed in with some rain water i collected in an old boot outside of my studio apartment.  I couldn't help but just bask in this greatness.  My greatness.  So what if i could barely break 50:00 for a 10-miler today which any SLOW person could do... It didn't matter because in 4 years or however long the 2016 Olympics are.  I will be standing at the podium wearing a giant GOLD medal.  Everyone will be staring at me knowing that i am the best in the world.  All of my haters, all of my doubters, and ESPECIALLY that pussy Ryan Hall will just have to stand there and watch... and that is when i will finally achieve my life's goal.  After I post my 1:44 marathon, no one will be able to stop me.  I will become President of the United Estados of America... I will then become President of GE and i'll drive a Buick.  I will be the richest and most celebrated man in America.  Yes, friends.  This will happen so you'd better make sure you support me now.... and make sure you buy Saucony brand running clothes and shoes (Please sponsor me, need money and running gear).

Well, i am going to take a nap... Then its on for 10 miler #2.  And you'd better believe it will be even faster and even harder.  SHAKOCKA!

New Watch / The Mile

Have you ever woke up one day with bundles of energy and more inspired to do greatness than you could ever imagine.  I had dreamed all night about running my marathon PR of 1:44 in front of the billions of running fans across the world.  Crossing that finish line and putting that gold around my neck.  It would be as awesome as getting a blumpkin from Oprah while at the same time your favorite episode of "That's So Raven" comes on TV.

Well i used that energy to continue this Olympic dream.  You know the routine.  Four gel packs as soon as wake up followed by a quick 5-mile 1x1x0.50x3800xAx30x40 work-out.  Took it out at a Z2 and then finished at a Z6 but didn't waste my nut on a Z7.  its like keeping a steady age grade at 91% but not above 97%.  You gotta save yourself for the races, you know.  Still, I am not a SLOW guy so you can't go EASY.  I feel that is what's wrong with SLOW runners... they are always running easy.  They are always running in groups and laughing with each other and looking like they are having fun.  Running is not fun.  Running is not for friendships and groups.  Running means a lot of pain and sacrifices and finally showing Ryan Hall that he is a SLOW pussy and that he should have given me that autograph when i saw him at Chuck E. Cheeze rather than walk away from me.  I keep that memory with me for every long run, every tempo run... I will show him!  I must show him! 

Anyways, I decided to buy a new watch because when i woke up - mine wasn't working.  It started when the screen looked a bit faded.  I typically use one of those cheap GPS watches that you find at a Walgreen's for $9.99.  You know, the kind that measure your mileage and pace but don't specifically display that information forcing you to press the lap button when you feel you come across a mile.  So i really invested into this nice Speedo Watch which should do the trick.  It is made for lap swimmers... While they are SLOW, they still are an underappreciated group who really loves measuring distances and times and stuff.  See the picture below and make sure to put a napkin on your keyboard as you will drool all over it like a teenager attending the boner fest they call 90210.. wait, is that show still on tv anymore?  I was always a Brenda Fan.

For my afternoon run, i decided to test my new watch on the track.  I like to use the local track at my high school down the street.  It has 8 lanes and is the color red for veangeance.  Today is my favourite workout, Repeat Miles.  I went to the track at 3:00 PM so those mean school kids weren't there to say disparaging remarks about how good looking I am and how sexy my legs are when i train in my marathong.  Normally i would wear the 3 inch Saucony shorts, but it was feeling a little warmer this day, and i really wanted my legs to be free so i could run faster.

I stepped to the line and went.  BOOM!  I took off like a rocket... I didn't look at the watch but i could tell i was going really fast.  Now, you know i have run sub-3:00 miles before so i was pretty pumped.   Finished the first lap and felt great so i threw on a big Serj.  Getting faster and rounding the corner.. When all of a sudden, i felt the air coming out of my lungs before completing lap 2.  That is crazy, my lungs don't fail 2/3 into a mile.  It obviously can't be me, because i am in phenomenal shape..  Oh, those dickhead throwers didn't cover up the fences surrounding the track.  I watch the weather channel and it is true that wind carries much faster on Tuesday Afternoons when you are running on a track in a valley.  THat is why high schools don't have meets on Tuesdays.  You  have to optimize performance.

Finally, i hit my third and final lap of the mile and stopped the watch.  A fricking 3:10.  There must be something wrong with this track.  It took me 3 minutes and 10 seconds just to run a FRICKING Mile.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Am I old?

And then it hit me.  The stupid wind.  I decided to run a 10 mile cool down and think about my failure to break 3:00 for the mile.  Right when it seemed everything was going my way... This sucks.   I feel like an Australian in the Olympics... I guess tomorrow I will have to be better.  I must be better.  Otherwise, if i am not better... Ryan Hall wins.  And worse than that, he will beat me because i am too effing SLOW! And then he'll probably tell me that I did a good job and that he'll pray for me or something stupid like that.  UGH...... Maybe its the fucking watch.

The Beast is Back - 2016 Olympic Gold Dream

What is up, my SLOW bitches?

So i decided to kick that pussy Matt off this blog because no one wants to hear about some SLOW ass douchebag running in circles around ice rinks at SLOW-ASS 6 minute paces.  I mean, if i really wanted to read about that, i would walk into an abortion clinic and have them cut off my scrotum and feed it to me and then after i processed it through my butt, i would go to a plastic surgeon and have him surgically stitch my scrotum back in place.  Anyways, your favorite future Olympic marathonner is back and this time i got some beef with every f***ing pussy slow runner who has tried to take my roost in my absence.

As you were aware, i suffered a concussion and was hospitalized a few years back and gained 50 pounds.  I tried to come back and return to form but it just didn't happen for me as quickly as i had wanted it too.  So rather than blow your mind with beautiful anecdotes about me attempting to run, i decided to let the doucherino blog a bit.  I mean, he seemed alright and kind of funny at first, but now he is just a SLOW WHINY BITCH.  I can't fucking take  it anymore and then he fucking writes the same poem from the movie "The Grey"!  Are you FUCKING SERIOUS?  That is like Ryan Hall going out to a race and claiming he is going to win.  It just doesn't fucking happen.  I am over that pussy.  I let him win the Olympic Trials or whatever... and then what does he do?  He backs out of the race.  Sad.  Its really sad.  We have like zero sub-2:00 marathonners here in The America of United Estados or something.  Are we a generation of pussies?  I mean, Pre could run like 60 sub-2:00 marathons in a matter of two months.  He could run a 2:15:00 marathon as a recovery run.  And now you have all of these articles in Running Times or SLOWRUNNERS WORLD about guys who can barely jock off a 5:00 mile pace for 20-miles.  Well, fuck it.  I'm back.  The king of running has returned and i will have my veangance!
 

So today is the first day of training.  I ran an easy 20-miler at a 4:45/clip which consisted of a two minute warm-up, 30x100 metre striders followed by 1x3:00 hard; 1x5:00 hard; 1x60:hard.  Repeat.  That is how men do fartleks.  Who the hell came up with 1:00 hard/1:00 easy.  Who needs easy?  If i wanted to run easy, i would just pace Ryan Hall.  Hell to the no. You think the Kenyans run easy?  Do you think the Ethiopians run easy?  No.  They don't!  And neither should you.

So it feels good to have 20-miles on the week.  I have been training a bit beforehand, but i should get going again soon.  Tomorrow i feel will be a good time to explain to my boss that i will not be working at Burger King anymore.  Hell no, my friends.  I am going back to running full time and i will blog about it.  You can use my training as your lessons on how to run.  I will also take questions.

Lesson of the Day:  When you go on a long run.  Try not to drink any liquid at least 24-hours before hand.  Weather doesn't matter.  The goal is to train your body to create its own fuel.  How do you think Galen Rupp got so mediocre?  So for you SLOW people out there, don't drink fluids.  Seriously.  You're probably FAT as a result of your being so SLOW so you could use the weight loss.  Water weight is bad. You don't want to look like Zach Galifinakis in a swimsuit.  I mean shit!  Its bad enough that you can't even break 4:00 for the mile, hold off the water there hoss!
 

Ok.  I am about to eat a champion's dinner:  One slice of wheat toast with a Burger King ketchup packet.

Shit... that reminds me.  I need to get a sponsor again.  And i need to get a coach.  I guess I got some work ahead of me.

New Year's Grieve?

It was Saturday December 31 and i set out to complete the last long run of the calendar year 2011.  I had decided earlier in the week to try to run with the running team based out of Schaumburg, IL that is sponsored by both Saucony brand running shoes and running gear as well as Kock Lake, a local running store chain.  We met at Barrington High School which was uniquely named as it was located in this community called Barrington.  Everyone had met there at 8:00 AM to go for the run, but i showed up at 8:15 and made them wait.  Rule #1 when you are  a FAST Superstud like myself and celebrity is that you should NEVER show up to any event on time.  While it is already super exciting for everyone just to have the honor of running with you (for a quarter fraction of a second), it makes  it even greater when they have to wait a little longer for said glory.  I told everyone to relax because i was finally there, to which the entire group showed support with the "you're number one" hand gesture involving the center finger which i am so accustomed to receiving.  I love being loved!

Everyone was going some weak distances (12 to 15 miles), so i decided to run with whoever was going to go the fastest.  It turned out to be some kid going 6:40s which was weak sauce but i decided to "active recover" for five miles and chat with him.  After the five, i looked around and no one was in sight.  Pussies.  What kind of running club is this?  Maybe its a jogging club or jelly of the month club.  Either way, i turned up the heat and blasted through the next 10 miles at 5:10 average clip.  I started to circle around just to see if i could find anyone?  I didnt' find them.  I did see a lot of horses and all of the streets looked the same with the exact street names seemingly going forever.  Whatever, i am so fast i just beat these guys by 15 miles before they reached 4. ha!  I am so FAST and such a stud, i guess you can't buy talent!

I ran for what my garmin read as 10 more miles but at a 5:40 clip. I slowed it down because i started to see the same scenery again and i think something was wrong.  The same three horses on the MacDonald ranch... and there was the same dead squirrel doing some weird form of a sixty nine position on the side of the road at Ridge Ave.  Hmm... Something was wrong.  I have gone 25 miles and am yet to see ANYONE! 

So i ran a little further (like 2 miles at a 5:50 clip) and then decided to head back.  I made a few turns and looked at my watch... 6:30 clip.  What the hell?  Something is wrong as i don't EVER run this slow when there is effort involved.  I think my garmin was broken and then i also saw those horses again and that same DAMN dead squirrel... so i decided to sprint until i saw something familiar.  BOOM!  I ran so hard and made it to that stop sign and decided to go right.  I ran all the way until Algonquin Rd as i had been doing and then made a right on this other street which seemed familiar.  I then made a right turn at Ridge Avenue and discovered that same DAMN SQUIRREL AGAIN!  FUCK!  So i kept running and then noticed the same three horses on that damn farm.  Looked at my watch and just hit 6 miles at a 6:55 clip.  I have now gone over 30 miles... AHHHHHh!  Where am i?

So i decided the best thing to do was run foward until the stop sign.  There was a  left turn arrow on the ground which was seemingly left by someone wanting to be followed.  So i instinctually made a right turn.  Then i reached Algonquin Road.  I know this street so i made a right turn.  I then hit this right on other street that seemed familiar.  Then made a right on RIdge.  uh oh.  Why do i keep ending up int he same spot?  It took about 4 more hours of running and the clip kept getting slower until i finally figured out i was running in circles and got to my car at a 12:00 clip.  Wow!  I just ran 60 miles when i had only set out to do 20.  Ugh.  What a terrible way to end the year.  So i drove my car to that dead squirrel and brought him for my wall.  I needed a reminder of my failure to recognize direction or signs..

Later that day i went over to Iron Mark's house for a New Year's Eve party.  I was not invited but i noticed that this girl, with whom i was involved in a stalking relationship with (i need more background information before i ask her out and we make sweet love), had RSVP'd to his party.  Then i got an address and boom i showed up.

As soon as i got there, i announced to everyone that i would not be drinking because i was a runner and in training for the Olympic Marathon.  I also said that i would be leaving around 10:00 PM so that i could wake up early and go for a training run.  People called me lame and said that it was NYE and i should at least party a little bit.  SLOW!  That is what i declared all of them.... SLOW!  FAT & SLOW!  They don't understand how to be awesome and live awesome.  LIFE is way more fun when you are training and winning stuff.  So i decided to stick to my plans.

Iron mark said that he understood my stiuation and handed me a drink.  i took a sip and nearly spat it out... "Why does this orange juice taste funny?"  he said it was because i was soo thirsty from my long run and proceeded to hand me another... and another.. and another.. Before i knew it i had my shirt off and was singing clay aiken songs on his karaoke player... My  head felt really weird but i had SOO much energy!  I kept drinking the OJ he gave me.  But now i was hungry.. He said he had burgers to which i declined... i am on a diet.  He said that they were fat free burgers from McDonalds.  YUM!  So i ate 15 quarter pounders with cheese... they tasted SOOO good.... i took a sip of my drink and looked around... uh oh!  The room began to spin.  Next thing i knew i woke up on the floor next to a garbage pail and my eyes were watery.  What was in that orange juice? I looked in the garbage and saw puke galore... YUCK!  the smell made me puke more.  i looked at the clock and it read 10:30 PM.  That must be wrong... So Iron Mark asked if i was thirssty. I said yes and he gave me some more orange juice and as soon as i took a sip the world went dark.

I woke up again and the lights were off in the house.  Somehow, i was naked next to the fire place.  I looked at a clock and it read 4:35 AM.  What the hell?  My body felt destroyed... There was puke everywhere and i think someone threw all of his couch cushions all over the place and broke all the beer bottles everywhere...I was thirsty.  So i went to the fridge to get another orange juice drink to quench the thirst.  There was a note.  It read:

"Dear Running Fast Man,

please get the F%*$ out of my house.  You've ruined everything and its going to cost me thousands to fix it.  You weren't even invited to the party.  I think you even made out with a picture i had on the wall.  Then you tried to go further.. By the way, i put vodka in your drink so now your new years day running plans are F$%*ed.  Ryan Hall put me up to this.  Good luck recovering from this, bitch! On a side note, i look forward to kicking your ass in the Indoor Marathon.

i hate you,
Iron Mark"


Boy i felt like crap.  I have never consumed alcohol before but i swear i will never have another sip ever again!  I wish i could remember more but for some reason i can't.  I all know is that Iron Mark cannot win that marathon.  I will destroy him.  and that pussy ryan hall!  Time to go for a run!

Time to Ca$h in like Ke$ha!

Well, i have had the best couple weeks of training.  I was able to get in 175 miles in the last 14-days at an average clip of 6:10 which includes some recovery runs.  While doing it, i was also able to shed about 25 pounds.. To date, i am only 15 pounds over my racing weight which is good because i am hoping to go sub-racing weight by this year's Boston Marathon and for sure by the 2015 Summer Olympics which my friend Iron Mark told me were being hosted in Afghanistan.  He also mentioned that i should make sure to book my flight and hotels because they usually sell out three years in advance.  So in addition to my running goals, i now have the goal of raising $4,500 to book the trip (which i am pretty sure i will receive back thirty-fold in endorsements and prize money for breaking 2:00:00 in the Olympic Marathon finals).  The only trick is to figure out how to raise this money.  I am too talented to waste 8 hours of my day at a job to make money, surely there is some type of way in which an ELITE FAST ATHLETE can make cash fast.  While I plan on phoning Obama about this one, the second best thing i figure i can do is daily visits to the sperm donation bank.  After all, who wouldn't want their children to be as beautiful and as fast and as dashing and as modest and good at heart as myself.  I am the dream!

Today starts a new week.  Yes, i am aware that others like to go Monday through Sunday or Sunday through Saturday for their 7-day running weeks, but i would like to refer to those people as SLOW in this business.  Real men start on a Thursday and end it on a Wednesday and in doing so cram in around 200 miles.  While i am still 8 weeks away from my first 200-mile week, i have scheduled only a pedestrian 125-miles for this week which is in line with the 50% rule.  As a conservative measure, one should never increase one's weekly mileage by more than 50% from the previous week... Lest one is super fast and awesome like myself and has olympic sperm and blood running through one's body.  Yet, i will stay a little cautious this week, i don't want to risk my fat ass getting injured.  As embarrassing as it is being 6'2" and 170 pounds (FAT), it could be worse and i could be back in that hospital.

Today's run was a 20 X 1GRRR with 20m KI plus 40m KO followed by 6 X 400s at 95% AG then finally finished with a 6m RECO @ 5:54.  In laymen's terms, the workout is going to start off with 20 by 1-mile repetitions at Greater than Really Rapid Running Pace (4:40 average) with 20 metre Kick Ins (Foot to Chest) followed by 40 metre Kick outs (foot to ass) on the 3:00 pace with 1 minute rest between each repetition.  Afterwards i am going to run 6 X 400-metre runs at a 95% age-graded pace (49 seconds) with about a minute rest between each one.  Finally i am going to finish with a 6-mile recovery run at 5:54 pace (Easy).

overall, the workout went really well.  While i was only able to hit about half of the miles at sub-5 pace, i really felt like i dominated the Kick-outs (my ass is bruised).  There was a bit of wind on the track whcih i think caused my lungs to over-act and require me to breathe heavier and wheeze a bit.  This was most apparent after the fifth mile all the way until the 20th rep.  However, i still hit the last one at 4:59.55 so it was good.  It was so good in fact that some kid who was running on the track alongside me (until i pushed him out of the way) cheered me on when i left the track and headed on my 6 mile run home.  I think his dad liked me too because they honked the horn while following me for a bit and yelled some stuff out.  Of course i couldn't hear what they were saying as i was jamming to some "i'm yours (The Remix)" by Justin Bieber featuring Hot chelle rae... It is probably ten times as good as the jason mraz original.

As soon as i got home, i made sure to properly nutrition myself with a healthy mix of mueslix, ten gel packs and porn.  After finishing my nutrition process, i was very tired and took a three hour nap just awaking to the sounds of my landlord pounding on my door.  I opened the door and he asked me where my rent was.  I told him that its at the finish line of my next race and when i win all of that CA$H, i will totally pay him back for this month's rent as well as prepay at least three months worth.  He was seemingly not impressed (because he is FAT and SLOW and does not understand anything other than blah!blah!blah! bitch where my money) but he said he would give me another 30-days as that is how long it would take him to find a replacement tenant to "occupy this shit hole!  get your shit together, bitch face!" and then he slammed the door.

Shit!  Now i need to raise $550 for this month's rent on top of the $4,500 i will need to book my trip for the 2015 Olympics in Afghanistan.  Looks like i am going to have to pick up the training and find me some races.  In addition, i wanted to avoid this but it looks like i can't.  I am going to have to start racing on the Chicago Underground Racing Circuit.... While you can make a quick buck, rumor has it that people get injured and some people even die.  You see, all of the races are done underground in the sewers and there are lots of people watching and gambling.  As a result, it is very high stakes but the winners get good cash.  When you don't trip and fall on the random AIDS-infested objects on the ground, sometimes people in the crowd will throw shit at you too... Or even worse, cut off your arm.  If you ever wondered what happened to Alan Webb or Jon Chermak, two of the greatest runners to ever race in high school then look no further.... They were just two victims of being at the wrong prostitute attended high stakes underground mile race at the wrong time. 

You call it dangerous.... I call it life!

Ultra Marathons = Ultra SLOWness

Oh boy what a weekend.  I think i have the most fun weekends of all time, i am like Tommy Lee.  First of all, on friday i was able to get in a good morning run and good pm run.  On saturday, i got in a good morning run, a solid afternoon run, and then a great evening run.  For lunch, i met a friend at a panera bread from like 11:00 AM until 11:20 AM (Its called a social life, losers!  so glad i have one).  Then yesterday, i woke up early (having passed out like late night on saturday round 7:30 PM) and was able to run 20 with a friend in the AM followed by a solid PM run.. Man, i did so much this weekend, its hard to believe i had time for it all.  But you gotta remember, I am a FAST guy and people love me.. So that is why i get the killer weekends and all of you SLOW kids have like loser weekends.

While i was able to get in a paltry 60 miles this weekend, its tough sometimes to remind myself that i AM just starting off and that we all begin somewhere.  You don't just start running 200 mpw weeks off the bat.  I mean, that pussy Ryan Hall probably has never even heard of 200 mile weeks... But that is where i will be very soon.

While most of my runs were held at a steady-state pace with age-grading between 88.78% to 90.755%.  I really had fun with my long run... My buddy Iron Mike came out and met me in this place called Barrington, IL.  It is a pretty serene type place with many retail buildings, diners, and cougars to fill one's heart content.  They say that it is the type of place where old money lives but only at the expense of your soul and your dreams.  Trade in that freedom for a Lexus.  Most of all, it is filled with SLOW people.  God made this place hilly because he knew that this was where the SLOW would take refuge.  By putting those hills there, he ensures that studs like myself can run without having to give autographs, converse with strangers or otherwise break out of my olympic routine.

Iron Mike is a crazy guy.  He is kind of slow but ballsy.  He ran a slow 2:30 boston or something (i don't think they record results for marathons after 2:14:59... the clocks just turn off.  That is what i've heard).  But he started off the race with a 3:59 first mile and that is like ok.  Nothing like the low 3's that i usually run, but he was deemed suitable for today's run because i am just starting off and i need someone who has some talent and could hold a conversation with me.

We decided to run 20-miles because i was in need for a recovery run and i guess he was too.  So we set off from the tennis courts of the high school, which i think served as the set for that Friends television show everyone loved..  The first mile was kind of rough, but we hit it at a 7:30.  a seven f%**ing thirty.  Seriously, who the f%**% is this guy?!?  I asked him if he left his testicles at home because this was unacceptable. He said he ran a 60-mile run the day before and was kind of tired... I asked him what pace he ran it at.  he said like 7:40s.. WHAT!?  How can you be tired?  I was like I can run 7:40s for 458-hours straight!  That's right, there is no typo there.  458 hours straight.  he said i was exaggerating, and i told him to exaggerate this and sped off for a 4:55 mile.  Haha!  F%*% Iron Mike, enjoy your slowness and all of your slow people races.

You see, he told me he is planning on racing a 50k, 100k, 100 miler, and some weird 24-hour race in Indiana or Ohio or one of "THOSE" states... For you beginner runners who are NOT in the know (and are probably SLOW), you have to understand the thing about these "ultra" races.  They are for "ultra-pussies" who run "ultra-slow" over "ultra-long" distances.  If God gave you running talent, you RUN and you RACE.  If God didn't give you running talent, you COACH.  If you can't COACH, you bowl.  If you are TOO SLOW for bowling, you "run" ultra races.  its like the republican party.  No one with any real chance or plan goes to these things, but somehow we end up with a winner.  A winner who ultimately is a loser and has no talent and you have to wait until the next race to find a new one.

Well, after that 4:55 mile, my stomach started hurting and my lungs were a little "sore".  I knew they were sore based on the panting and the heavy breathing which had to be an allergic reaction to something.  So i stood by the side of the road for like a minute just to puke out the energy gu gel bar i ate when Iron Mike comes running by and asks if i needed any help.  Um, NO! Go run your 7:40s buddy... Maybe you can get some 70-year old grandmas to be your pace leader. LOSER!  So i muscled enough energy and hatergy to sprint right past him and zoom in some good miles.. 4:45, 5:00, 5:15, 5:30, 6:00, 6:30, 6:45.  It wasn't until i ran a 6:59 when i looked at my watch and realized i wasn't sustaining a 4:30 pace like i thought i was (remember i write these times post-humously which means after the run).  I think there was something wrong with my garmin because that pace was totally 4:30.  And i know i didn't lose that much talent over the 90-days and 50 pounds where i couldn't hit a 4:30 clip for 20-miles... well, the stomach hurt again and this time i fell to the side of the road..   fifteen minutes later, Iron Mike runs by and gave me a number one sign with his middle finger.  Boom!  I know i'm number one and i appreciate his effort and honesty about my superior running skills...

Well, i get back and just re-fuel my run with some more Hatergy (like energy but fueled by hate) and hit the next sequence of miles at 4:55, 5:33, 5:45, 5:59, 5:59, 5:59, 6:01, 6:02, 5:59, 5:59, and 6:40... Again, i looked at my watch and was pretty pissed off about the clip.  I mean, what is going on with all of those satellites?  How are THEY this far off.  I've been running so long that i know what pace is.  I know what pace feels like.  i was going to be a pacer for the 2004 Olympic marathon as a teen ager but i chose not to because i had homework to do that weekend.  I finally got to my car, and somehow i was weezing and panting again.  What is going on with this?  This was not a good day.   Not at all.  Ryan Hall must have screwed with my Garmin when i was sleeping last night and then put random tear gas bombs along the route to screw it up for me...

Well, this was a complete disappointment.  I hit my "recovery" 20-miler at 2:03 something.  Absolutely pathetic.  If i keep this up, i will never win any races, i will never get a girl, i will never become a homeowner, i will never become an olympic champion and i sure as hell will not be able to beat that pussy Ryan Hall.  So tomorrow, we are doing a double.  We are going to do a HUGE track workout in the AM followed by a 12 X Mile X 200 X 30 X 44 X MILE X a-squared type of tempo-fartlek-kickers run on the progressive.  This will kick us back to our original shape. 

If you really want to be a champion, you have to follow through on every word you say.  But you have to follow through!

Hurting for a Spurting

Have you ever felt sick before a run?  Like really felt sick....  Ever since Monday i have just been sore and my body has not been responding to certain runs as i've liked.  For example, this morning during my pick-up run my goal was just to run 5 miles easy followed by 5 miles hard with a 5 mile kick.  So for example, i would want to hit my 15 miles in less than 1:20 for it to really count for weekly mileage.  However, i was so sluggish in the beginning that my easy miles only came in at a 5:52 clip.... Then when it was time to go hard, i hit my first mile in 4:58 followed by 5:50, 6:30, 7:45, 9:02.... then when i went to kick (the actual workout part of it), i had nothing left... i jogged in a 6:20 something which equates to like a pathetic 2:50 marathon.  jog!  SLOW!  What is wrong with me?

After talking with a doctor yesterday, it made me realize that i can't trust anyone.  Doctors just wanna make money so they WANT me to believe something is WRONG with me.  Others are hired by Ryan Hall, that pussy, to try to prevent me from training... Some people are just TOO SLOW to even understand what a fast person's issue could even be... I am quite perplexed, like at the creative writing table for that Chipwrecked movie coming out...

I spent the rest of the afternoon throwing a tennis ball against the wall and made a game of it.  My mom asked me if i was ok, and i told her to leave me alone.  Can't you see i'm trying to get back to my fastness!  She then brought me down a gallon of Edy's ice cream.. yum!  ate that shit right up.

At 8:00 i was scheduled to run 6 miles at a tempo (4:45 clip).  Well that is what i used too run.  I don't know any more... So i just took off.  The first mile went ok at 4:45 when i started to get a stomach ache.... the next few miles are too slow to mention (non sub-5) but i will just let you know i came within three inches of puking on a raccoon and about four minutes close to rescuing someone from salmonella... After i got home, i just fell to the floor.  I could not move.  what is wrong with me?   My body hurts!  My legs hurt... everything is so tiring.. Why?  I know i haven't run in 3 months but its not like i am training hard... I can't take a day off.  I won't take a day off!

Perhaps i'll schedule a run with Schmo Nukeits and the Silver Fox tomorrow.  They probably will have some advice.  They are pretty slow but i gotta figure this out.  After all, if i can't train hard and return to greatness and beat that pussy Ryan Hall.. Then what is the point of life?